Found out friends husband cheating should I tell her?

[Sarahnmills]

Help

I don't know what to do for the best.
I found out my close friend’s husband has been having an affair through another friend that doesn’t know her as well. She has seen screen shots of messages. My close friend and cheating husband have three young children together and are child hood sweethearts. I don’t want to tear their family apart. There is also a possibility she already knows. I had a cryptic message implying things haven’t been great between her and her husband but things are improving.
She has a right to know but I don’t want to be the one to ruin her life. She is currently on a luxury family holiday.

I've seen a few posts like this and always thought that Mumsnet should set up a slouthing team with members all over the country who can follow cheating spouse's around to get evidence or whatever. Amature PI stuff. Plenty of us seem to enjoy nosing into others business and serving justice would be a bonus!

"Is there a way of telling her something is up in an innocent bemused sort of way. E.g. oh my friend saw your DH in town on (specific date) with a young lady, was he away with work/visiting family etc. try to choose an example where he might be somewhere he wasn't supposed to be."

Wtf? 🤪 make up a lie that he can easily get out of because he wasn't fucking there? Bizarre.

OP - if you do tell her wait for her to get home and unpacked from holiday and then just tell her matter of fact what you've seen. Surely your best friend will allow her to read the screenshot messages?

It's the messenger who gets shot. Get your messenger to tell her.

I couldn't keep that sort of thing from a close friend. I'd feel complicit in the deception.

I wouldn’t dream of telling her. The chances are she would stay with him anyway and never speak to you again.

It’s not nosing. I was distraught as I knew something was up for months and couldn’t prove it, I’d have been so grateful to be told,

Why the 🤣 emoji?

Sounds like you want to stir the pot and are jealous.

It's third hand information. Leave it alone until you have proof with your own eyes.

She has seen screen shots of messages

She has seen them, but you haven't. She can tell the wife, not you. What you have is complete hearsay. Your 'best friend' might be hot for the errant husband and desperate to break up the marriage, using you as the stooge. Tell her to tell the wife herself, and keep your nose out for now.

I let a friend down by not telling her.
I should have done a bit of detective work myself. Again it was 4th hand information but true.
It might have saved a lot of pain and she would probably have left the lying cheating coercive controlling thief sooner.

Nasty rumours ruin lives. I was once the subject of a nasty "He has a right to know" woman. The damage done to me, my husband, my friendships - was awful. All because some very unpleasant woman wanted to feel superior.
She love telling my DH what she "knew". Smug, superior, virtue signalling - and completely wrong. (But even if she had been right what business was it of hers?)
I'm sure OP will enjoy the telling immensely.

Tell her when she’s back. She deserves to know and let her know you’ll support her whatever she decides to do.
if I found out my friend knew and said nothing I’d be even more devastated.

I would want to know. Just imagine your bf knowing that your DH is having an affair, and choosing not to tell you. Not only would you be left living a lie, without the full facts so you can make sensible choices for your own future, but your best friend would be 'in' on the lie - I'd never trust them again if I found out they knew.

If you tell her, it won't be you ruining their marriage. You won't have done anything wrong.

Some years ago, I was pursued (actually stalked) by the husband of someone I knew (although not very well). I chose not to tell her. She later found out (from the police, it got very complicated) and was quite angry that I hadn't told her. As she put it - she'd been living a life which was a lie, thinking she was happily married, thinking she could trust her husband, and I'd known differently. She said if I'd told her, she would have made the decision to leave him, and wouldn't find out 2 years later (and three other victims later).

I echo what pp have said... only tell her if you're confident of your sources though.

How well do you know the DH?

I told my them best friend that her husband was having an affair and she never spoke to me again !

Consider also that if she is already aware - she might be using the holiday time to work through things with her DH and find a way forward / or not.

Go for coffee -only when she is back and settled is what I would do.

Is she still with him ?

Thank for this advice. This is the reason I wrote this post.
upsetting nasty comments, like I am jealous or that I would get immense pleasure out of telling her are not required. Mumsnet can be so toxic

Sorry that wasn't a dig at you ( or at anyone really) I speaking in general.

Yes - 20 years later ! He knew that I knew . A couple of other friends knew but because I was ( I thought) closest to her , I told her . She immediately said she didn’t believe me . A week later I received a letter saying that her DH had explained everything . Apparently I made a move on him and he turned me down so this was my revenge . Absolute rubbish .

Ask your friend to pass on to her mate that works with the other woman, that he most definitely is married and has 3 young DC's if you haven't already done so. Unless she's mental, that should make the OW blow him out. If I was OW, I'd be quite angry about being lied to and would not want him to get away with it. Perhaps bearing that in mind, one of your chain could pass on to her a way she could contact - via FB or something? That way, it doesn't have to come directly from you, whilst at the same time, it does come directly from the person who can give her answers and show her proof.

The laughing emoji was in reference to my confusing post not the situation. I care a lot about my friend, all I’m trying to do is reach out for advice as I feel a bit lost. Not that I need to justify myself to you..Thanks though!!

Would you like to be kept in the dark and made a fool of? What if you were in that boat and you found out your friends knew and didn't tell you, @BiggerBoat1, wouldn't you be miffed? I would be.

Why don't you tell him (cheater) to tell her it you will.