Found out friends husband cheating should I tell her?

[Sarahnmills]

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I don't know what to do for the best.
I found out my close friend’s husband has been having an affair through another friend that doesn’t know her as well. She has seen screen shots of messages. My close friend and cheating husband have three young children together and are child hood sweethearts. I don’t want to tear their family apart. There is also a possibility she already knows. I had a cryptic message implying things haven’t been great between her and her husband but things are improving.
She has a right to know but I don’t want to be the one to ruin her life. She is currently on a luxury family holiday.

This is UTTER nonsense, and so minimising of the damage affairs cause it’s almost mind blowing.

He’s putting her health at risk and he is taking away her right to make informed choices plus her right to informed sexual consent.

So what if it ‘fizzles out’ as a cheat he’s very likely to reoffend thus the harm she is put in continues.

I’m so glad some of the women on here aren’t my friends.

And as for the ‘shooting the messenger’ stuff. At least OP would be ‘shot’ knowing she tried to do the morally right thing.

👆I’d tell him you know and that he either comes clean or you will tell her.

@Usernamechange1234 , what OP risks is that Cheater spins a yarn and CheatersWife believes him. CW then drops OP as a friend.

Someone with actual proof should do the telling.

Seriously, I could not stand by and watch my friend be abused like this, if I lost the friendship SO BE IT, it would be a price I’d be willing to pay, to know that I had tried to prevent further harm.

I would tell her.
Will you be able to get access to the screenshots? or is this one of those situations where people are telling you not to use their names if you tell the truth.

Does the girl he's cheating with know he has a wife and kids now? or is she still in the dark too?

A close pal? If I was sure about the people telling me, absolutely sure, I wouldn't think twice about telling her. No way would I let her continue to be lied to and betrayed

@Usernamechange1234 , the CW needs her friend. Personally, I'd tell but I'd do it via someone who has seen the proof. I wouldn't pass on a third hand rumour.

But how would you find out if he told her though?

Some people don't tell their friends or family when they find out they've been cheated on.

The thing is, you don’t have the proof, you have heard about the proof second or third hand. So there is some gossip going on.
I don’t think I would say anything if I hadn’t seen any proof myself, as it is just repeating gossip.

Yes. OP got it from her friend who works with a girl who is friends with the girl he has been cheating with.

This happened to me too and I felt exactly the same. I never bothered with the friends that knew and said nothing ever again.

I read these threads and think the “don’t tell, none of your business” types deserve to experience being cheated on, then they might understand!

"I read these threads and think the “don’t tell, none of your business” types deserve to experience being cheated on, then they might understand!"

I have been and I still disagree with you.

I would tell her and risk losing her as a friend. There is no way I would stand by and not say anything. In fact I wouldn’t be able to not tell her (I’d see myself as a liar by omission).

Cheaters are abusive. They can pass on STDs and make their partner infertile. They gaslight, lie and that’s emotional abuse. PTSD. Vile behaviour. I’m not twisting myself in knots to cover for such a person. I would tell the truth and risk the friendship. I have to live with me and it’s the best of two shit options.

It’s a rubbish position to be in, yet another shitty thing the cheater has done. Putting friends in shit positions.

So I would meet her in person, apologise for being the messenger and tell her I’ll be there anytime she wants. If she ditched me I’d tell her once more I’ll be there if she ever needs me, day or night.

What if the friend made the story up because she fancies the 'cheater'? What if there's a case of a mix up and it's someone else who's been cheating but the circumstnces or names are similar (e.g. I can think of a few couples with similar names and surnames)

Tell her
I speak from experience when I say that there is nothing more hurtful -on top of finding out you were cheated on - than finding out that you were the last to know and releasing none of your friends bothered to tell you ..

I would never speak to someone who knew I was being cheated on and didn't tell me.

From my perspective, you wouldn't be much of a friend if you didn't tell me if you knew my husband was cheating. I'd also feel so foolish if I later found out you knew and I was in the dark.

I would never speak to someone who knew I was being cheated on and didn't tell me.
The operative word in that post is knew.

It doesn’t matter that it’s been said third hand. I don’t know what would be so hard about expressing what you’ve been told honestly ie ‘I’ve been told this, I haven’t seen the evidence myself but I’d not be the friend I want to be to you, if I didn’t tell you. I’m here for you whatever you decide to do with the info’

Id tell him i know and expect the affair to end immediately, rather than tell her.

I would see it as 'knowing' if my friend was told this information and didn't tell me.

I wouldn't accept 'well I didn't know for sure because it was information passed on by a friend'.

Childhood sweethearts....
Cringe.

Just tell her what you've been told and how you know. Tell her you have zero proof and that even you don't know if it's true or what to believe. Tell her you couldn't not tell her incase it is true. Explain it like that.
The rest is up to her to do what she wishes with the information whether it is a rumour or true. You could even get your best friend to tell her what she knows.

I would never ever forgive a friend of mine who knew about something like this and didn't tell me.

I feel you need to explore the situation with your friend (who knows the other woman) a little more and get some confirmations, such as when and where. Then factcheck.

Then present the information to your close friend, totally factually, tell her you've agonised over this and accept there's a possibility that you will end up being the one who gets frozen out but you're not prepared to keep a secret like this from someone who you think should probably know. Maybe add in that if she wants you'll never bring it up again.