Found out friends husband cheating should I tell her?

[Sarahnmills]

Help

I don't know what to do for the best.
I found out my close friend’s husband has been having an affair through another friend that doesn’t know her as well. She has seen screen shots of messages. My close friend and cheating husband have three young children together and are child hood sweethearts. I don’t want to tear their family apart. There is also a possibility she already knows. I had a cryptic message implying things haven’t been great between her and her husband but things are improving.
She has a right to know but I don’t want to be the one to ruin her life. She is currently on a luxury family holiday.

Who the hell is jealous of a friend married to a filthy cheating ratbag? For Christ's sake.

Do whatever you think would be right if the situation was reversed.

Crikey some of these posts. It's very obvious the 🤣 emoji was OP poking fun at herself for finding it difficult to explain. Pretending you can't tell that is just facetious - or if you're really that bad at picking up context, I'd suggest you take a step back from emoji analysis in future!

Anyway...

My friends' health and happiness are things I consider to be very important to me, so I'd want to tell her so she can make informed choices about unprotected sexual/STDs/etc.

If it ever came out, I'd personally not be able to continue a friendship with someone so self-righteous and self-serving that they decided it wasn't their problem or business to tell me that my sexual health was being put in danger.

💯 tell her you shouldn’t have to even think about it ask yourself the same question would you want it kept from you …it will come out eventually and what are you going to say when she asks did you know …fuck that be loyal if your a true friend if you don’t your no friend in my book ….I know my bestie would tell me

The girl he's cheating with didn't know he has a wife and family?

Does she know now? I hope this friend-of-a-friend has told her.

Tell her. I’d want to know, wouldn’t you?

Just tell her what you know and put her in contact with the OW if she wants evidence.

Why the fuck should these piece of shit men have everyone covering for them?

If she's a good friend I would say "I've been shown x messages. They appear to be from your dh, I thought you would want to know"

But if I didn't know her that well I wouldn't say anything

Absolutely tell her. But do it when she gets back from holiday obviously.

Drives me bonkers the number of posts from people who wouldn’t tell. Glad they’re not my friends. My friends would want my personal agency returned to me and my risk of contracting an STD lessened.

This.

Yes, tell her.

Really hard place to be.
I think I would talk to the two ladies and obtain the screenshots. Then two options 1. Tell the husband that you know and that he should tell her first or 2. Show the messages to your friend. Not sure which option is best.

If I were your friend I would want to know

This. Stay out if it.

The trouble is that you are not your friend, what you'd want in her position 'could' be the exact opposite of what she'd want. Have you ever had this type of hypothetical discussion with her in the past where she's said 'I'd want to know'? Even if you've had this convo with her, the reality of it can be awful.

I've been in your position a few times over the last 30 years or so, times have changed I know, but the end result is always messy whether you tell her or she finds out some other way. I've tackled a friend's husband, my sister's husband (they're now divorced) but 32 years on my sister still doesn't believe me and I told her the absolute truth, her ex is still lying. A friend's partner was involved with a woman on our road - we all lived on the same road - I chose to stay out of it - that didn't feel any better than telling her would have but I'd learnt that lesson already.

You have to decide what you want to do, what part you want to play because the messenger always gets shot one way or another.

In a similar situation to you, my friend’s husband is having a LONG TERM affair (almost 4 years now) - just found out! he works abroad as does the OW, family resettled here and I don’t know whether I should tell.
my friend has been long term together (30 years plus & over 20 married). Outwardly it’s the perfect couple, perfect marriage & I don’t know if it’s wise to let her know…

I would 100% tell her. Imagine the betrayal she’ll feel when she learns you knew.

If you're a good friend it shouldn't even be a question

Could it be that she found out about the cheating and has forgiven him, hence the fancy holiday and they are trying to work it out? I would absolutely tell a close friend what I'd heard but be prepared that she might not thank you for it, especially if she knows and kept it quiet.

I’d want to know. You need to tell her. Her sexual health could be at risk too. God some men are bloody awful.

No one told me and it made me feel really stupid on top of the devastation when I found out myself. I never trusted my friends again.

This!

Don’t tell her now. But meet up when she gets back.
See what she says about her husband / the holiday…

Depends how close you are to the friend.. because if it comes out and she finds out you knew all along, she's gonna be quite hurt.. if she's just an acquaintance I wouldn't be saying anything but if she is one of your closest friends you're gonna have to tell her .. but also say you're making no judgement with want she does with the information you're giving her

Do not tell her - these things often fizzle out. It will just cause her hurt, just turn a blind eye and keep quiet.

I wonder if ANY of the people on here suggesting that the OP doesn't tell her friend have been on the receiving end of being cheated on.

Unless a friend said to me clearly that they wouldn't want to know there is no way I'd 'keep quiet'.

I wonder if ANY of the people on here suggesting that the OP doesn't tell her friend have been on the receiving end of being cheated on.
Yes but I suggested that OP gets the friend who saw the screenshots to tell the cheater's wife.