Go no contact with MIL after STBXH affair?

[Mensuckbigtime]

Hey everyone,
Posted before.
STBXH left over a year ago (18 year together, 10 years married, two DD-5 and 2).
Fast forward a few months after he separated, I found out he'd been having an affair.
Noone new of his family.
I've always been very close to.my MIL and love her. I think initially she was very upset with her son, but OW has been introduced to everyone, she's moved in to my old family home and spends time with my DD ( which is still such a painful experience for me).

Anyway, MIL and I keep in touch via WhatsApp occasionally (she's in UK, we're abroad) and told me that she needed to accept her sons decision, but that I will always be part of her family.

Few weeks ago, she text me saying she'd be in town to see DDs and asked if we could meet up for coffee, which I said I'd happily do.

She's been here a week and is leaving today (DDs have been with Ex whilst MIL is in town) and I've heard nothing from her.

I know her loyalties will always be with her son, but just the thought of her spending time with OW where it used to be and the general feeling of being replaced so easily has been really hard for me for thr last couple of days.

And now MIL has not said a word about meeting for coffee.. I don't want to assume any ill intentions, I guess it's weird for her too and maybe she didn't want to disrupt any plans/activities to come and meet me, but it still bloody hurts.

I know she cares for me and I know she wants us to stay in touch for DDs sake to.keep the family unit- which is lovely, but the reality is,my relationship with ex could not be worse, my family never want to see him again (I know this is awful for DD but I can't force my family to see my ex who feel betrayed by him too) and maybe it would make more sense for me to cut my losses.

I wonder if being in touch with MIL, seeing her, asking to meet for coffee to then not get in touch at all with me, is actually causing me more pain knowing that she now also spends Time with OW ( and I know this wasn't MIL choice).

Anyone out there whose been in my position? Someone who can share some.experiences?

Thanks so much for reading, I appreciate it!

[Rania78]

Yes it does cause you more pain and doesn’t allow you to heal. This is not her fault at all and yes she is not to blame but she does remind you of the past and what has happened. I don’t think the relationship offers you anything, thus I would personally go “no contact”. She can always see your DDs through her son.
If she contacts you again tell her that you love and respect her and that this is not her fault but cutting contact with her is a necessary step for you to heal. Place yourself - and your kids - above everyone.

[Mensuckbigtime]

@Rania78

Yes it does cause you more pain and doesn’t allow you to heal. This is not her fault at all and yes she is not to blame but she does remind you of the past and what has happened. I don’t think the relationship offers you anything, thus I would personally go “no contact”. She can always see your DDs through her son.
If she contacts you again tell her that you love and respect her and that this is not her fault but cutting contact with her is a necessary step for you to heal. Place yourself - and your kids - above everyone.

Thanks for your advice
Yet another loss to grieve 😞
But you're right

[saraclara]

I disagree. Going no contact is unnecessary. Making that actual statement is damaging, and she's still your DC's grandmother. This is still early days into your break up and she's probably still trying to configure things.

Given that you loved her and you were close, I don't think you should deliberately hurt her by contacting her to say that you don't want her in your life. Why would you do that? You don't know why this coffee hasn't happened. It isn't necessarily a rejection. I'd give it a bit longer to be honest. Tell her you were sad that it didn't happen and that you miss her. Then see how it goes from there.

[Mensuckbigtime]

@saraclara

I disagree. Going no contact is unnecessary. Making that actual statement is damaging, and she's still your DC's grandmother. This is still early days into your break up and she's probably still trying to configure things.

Given that you loved her and you were close, I don't think you should deliberately hurt her by contacting her to say that you don't want her in your life. Why would you do that? You don't know why this coffee hasn't happened. It isn't necessarily a rejection. I'd give it a bit longer to be honest. Tell her you were sad that it didn't happen and that you miss her. Then see how it goes from there.

Edited

Hey, hope this doesn't come across as me.wanting to deliberately hurt her.
Going no contact with her also hurts me!

Regarding the coffee thing... I don't know what happened, but I think a quick "sorry, it's not going to happen this time" message would have been.kind.

I've just text her saying that I'm sad I didnt get to see her and that I hope she had a good time

[boysgrove]

Your feelings are valid. It's almost as if you were so quickly replaced and forgotten about but you know that's not the case. It's probably difficult for MIL to navigate this situation too. I am really sorry you're feeling like this, it's awful. I hope things get better and you begin to find peace and heal

[rockingbird]

They will always choose their sons, been there .. not nice. Cut all ties and think about yourself healing. She's probably been warned off meeting up with you, sadly it's all too common 😞

[Glitterbiscuits]

I don't know... my temptation would be to keep the relationship with your MIL to annoy and irritate the OW

I have petty tendencies that I surpress! It's probably not the best advice

[Rania78]

@saraclara

I disagree. Going no contact is unnecessary. Making that actual statement is damaging, and she's still your DC's grandmother. This is still early days into your break up and she's probably still trying to configure things.

Given that you loved her and you were close, I don't think you should deliberately hurt her by contacting her to say that you don't want her in your life. Why would you do that? You don't know why this coffee hasn't happened. It isn't necessarily a rejection. I'd give it a bit longer to be honest. Tell her you were sad that it didn't happen and that you miss her. Then see how it goes from there.

Edited

It’s completely necessary for the OP to heal. Talking to her MIL only reminds her of what jas happened plus she will be constantly hearing news about her husband. No. Just no.

[Mensuckbigtime]

@Glitterbiscuits

I don't know... my temptation would be to keep the relationship with your MIL to annoy and irritate the OW

I have petty tendencies that I surpress! It's probably not the best advice

Yeah, it's probably shitty for OW too, but I can't feel too bad for her.

Ultimately, I will have to do what serves me and my healing and yes MIL tends to talk about STBXH as if nothings happened, its awkward and like there's a massive elephant in the room which I'm notmallowed to talk about

[AntonineWall]

My aunt was put in your MILs position. She and ex DIL maintained good relations but they were in the same country so they could meet up independently. Perhaps her son threatens to cut her off if she's too pally with you.

You have done right thing to send a kind message and leave the door open.

[Pallisers]

I wouldn't go no contact but I would let this relationship become confined to being cordial and pleasant when you are in the same place (events with your dd) and maybe occasionally facilitating her seeing your dd when she is with you.

Realistically she is going to continue her relationship with her son and will have to tolerate the woman he has in his life - even if she is deeply sad about the whole thing. I can't see how you keeping a friendship going with MIL will be helpful or nurturing to you at all. You don't have to fall out or have a big break up but I would just stop engaging with her except when you have to. you need to mind yourself here.

[BubziOwl]

@Glitterbiscuits

I don't know... my temptation would be to keep the relationship with your MIL to annoy and irritate the OW

I have petty tendencies that I surpress! It's probably not the best advice

This was my exact thought too 😭 another petty person here!

[DiscontinuedModelHusband]

agree with PP

this is the opportunity to just let the relationship dwindle.

it's sad, but this will be easier for both you and her.

she'll still play a big part in your DD's life, so that won't be lost.

[Rania78]

@BubziOwl

This was my exact thought too 😭 another petty person here!

Ladies! We only have so much energy 😄. Spend it wise on positive things that will make you happy and leave stupid people to their misery. Most of the times you don’t need to do anything to irritate them. They irritate themselves anyway.

[Woohootwoo]

Op I would not go no contact as such but more just distance yourself from your ex’s family. Your paths will likely cross in the future through your daughter ie school events, graduation and wedding etc . Keep it civil with both your exMIL and stbxh but keep your distance for your own wellbeing.

[RandomVillageLife]

Perhaps her son threatens to cut her off if she's too pally with you.

Thats certainly a possibility.
He and the OW won’t take it very well that MIL is still in touch with you.

Unfortunately, when people get divorced, people feel they have to chose sides. I wouldn’t be surprised if ex and OW were putting pressure on your MIL to chose her side too.

The best thing yo do is whatever is least hurtful to you and will allow you to heal. If that means much less or no contact, then that’s what it is,

Having said that, I dint think you have to tell her that you dint want to speak to her. You can just let things die, not meet up/be unavailable. Remember that you’ll probably meet up at some family events involving your dds. Whatever way you chose you send your message, I’d do it with that in mind too,

[Mummame2222]

I think you should go NC because it’s messing with your head and confusing your grief. It sounds like you need a clean break from them all and a fresh start.

[Mensuckbigtime]

Thanks for all your input

Do i just let things slide or do I actually send a message to her that I will "retreat" and my reasons for that (obviously I'd still be nice if I ever saw her)?

I kind of want to tell her why a d how I feel and I know that nobody cares in anyway, but I feel its the decent way to "end" a long "relationship"

Any thoughts?

[saraclara]

@Mensuckbigtime

Hey, hope this doesn't come across as me.wanting to deliberately hurt her.
Going no contact with her also hurts me!

Regarding the coffee thing... I don't know what happened, but I think a quick "sorry, it's not going to happen this time" message would have been.kind.

I've just text her saying that I'm sad I didnt get to see her and that I hope she had a good time

Oh no, I absolutely didn't mean that you were deliberately wanting to hurt her! I'm sorry if it came across like that.

No, just that it might hurt her unnecessarily. Because you didn't yet know whether it was a deliberate snub, or whether she really wanted to see you but something prevented it.

[BBKP]

I don’t think you need to say anything, just let the contact fade.

[saraclara]

I don't know. We all bring our different experiences to this.

I loved my MIL very much, and she loved me. My DH and I were very happy and solid together, but she even said once 'if you and P ever split up, I would still see you and the children, wouldn't I?'. She was obviously genuinely concerned.

So if the worst had happened, even if she didn't follow through on a meet up, I wouldn't have sent her an 'ending' message. Even if she hadn't said that. I'd have said how sad I was not to have the opportunity to see her, and that I still missed her.

But I recognise that that was our relationship, and that I've not actually experienced what a break up might do to me. So others will have different advice based on theirs, and you might feel differently from me.

My MIL died 18 months ago, and I miss her.

[TryingNotCrying24]

I wouldn't do a big "ending" message sharing how hurt you are, etc. I'd maybe just let her drive any contact and be friendly and open when she does. It must be very hard for her, she's probably having to go through the same grieving process as you, while also putting a brave face on and trying to build a relationship with the OW. She might want to prioritise you but in reality she can't. Sharing your feelings of hurt just adds to her load and doesn't change anything for you.
If you really had to address it you could say something like "MIL, you know how much I love you and value our relationship. I understand the position you're in now as you need to adjust to your new family make up and dynamics. I am happy to let you lead how much contact we have and if that needs to be minimal I understand and want you to know you'll always have a special place in my heart. Just let me know so that I know what to expect."

[LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand]

I wouldn't send a message, to be honest. I just wouldn't keep a relationship going. If she messages you, be polite but vague. Keeping in touch would be like picking a scab. I didn't keep in touch with my ex in-laws despite being fond of my fil. It was too painful

[RandomVillageLife]

I’d wait to see what is her answer to your last message about being sad to not have been able to meet up.

And i wouldn’t send a message no.
Just her answer (or maybe no answer) will tell you a lot of where she stands anyway.
She might feel that it’s hard to keep meeting up too,

[Mensuckbigtime]

She's responded saying that it was lovely to see DD ans that time just flew, nothing else...

Not sure what to make of that.
I just said I appreciate that but that it would have been nice to just hear from her that she wasn't going to make it