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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Go no contact with MIL after STBXH affair?

107 replies

Mensuckbigtime · 28/03/2024 13:39

Hey everyone,
Posted before.
STBXH left over a year ago (18 year together, 10 years married, two DD-5 and 2).
Fast forward a few months after he separated, I found out he'd been having an affair.
Noone new of his family.
I've always been very close to.my MIL and love her. I think initially she was very upset with her son, but OW has been introduced to everyone, she's moved in to my old family home and spends time with my DD ( which is still such a painful experience for me).

Anyway, MIL and I keep in touch via WhatsApp occasionally (she's in UK, we're abroad) and told me that she needed to accept her sons decision, but that I will always be part of her family.

Few weeks ago, she text me saying she'd be in town to see DDs and asked if we could meet up for coffee, which I said I'd happily do.

She's been here a week and is leaving today (DDs have been with Ex whilst MIL is in town) and I've heard nothing from her.

I know her loyalties will always be with her son, but just the thought of her spending time with OW where it used to be and the general feeling of being replaced so easily has been really hard for me for thr last couple of days.

And now MIL has not said a word about meeting for coffee.. I don't want to assume any ill intentions, I guess it's weird for her too and maybe she didn't want to disrupt any plans/activities to come and meet me, but it still bloody hurts.

I know she cares for me and I know she wants us to stay in touch for DDs sake to.keep the family unit- which is lovely, but the reality is,my relationship with ex could not be worse, my family never want to see him again (I know this is awful for DD but I can't force my family to see my ex who feel betrayed by him too) and maybe it would make more sense for me to cut my losses.

I wonder if being in touch with MIL, seeing her, asking to meet for coffee to then not get in touch at all with me, is actually causing me more pain knowing that she now also spends Time with OW ( and I know this wasn't MIL choice).

Anyone out there whose been in my position? Someone who can share some.experiences?

Thanks so much for reading, I appreciate it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 01/04/2024 09:39

Polominty · 01/04/2024 02:17

I’m the MIL in this situation my son has 2 exes 1 child with each and now a new partner I’ve been navigating this for 6 yrs and counting.
I’m very aware of my son’s faults and don’t automatically take his side, I’m very disappointed in him in fact. I actually advised his last partner to leave before she got pregnant ( he’s not abusive in case that’s how it comes across) she actually asked me for my opinion I didn’t say it off my own bat. Apparently his new partner doesn’t like me because I pulled my son up for bad mouthing both his exes in front of his children. My view is that they will always be part of the family, maybe not close but still part of it as they are my grandchildren’s mums. His second partner used to join in badmouthing his first and now his third partner is badmouthing the first and second, quite frankly it’s a mess. I see my grandchildren regularly on their dad’s time and I’m a very involved grandma
I’m not really close to my ex DIL’s but they know I am always there if they need me, they’ll ask me to babysit for them and we had a big meet up at Christmas. My son wouldn’t try to tell me not to keep in loose contact with them.

Thanks for sharing your experience.

It must be so tricky to get the "balance" right.

I think it's so good that you still stick up for your ex DILs when you DS and his partner bad mouth them. It says a lot about you 😀

OP posts:
BigAnne · 01/04/2024 15:55

Mensuckbigtime · 28/03/2024 13:39

Hey everyone,
Posted before.
STBXH left over a year ago (18 year together, 10 years married, two DD-5 and 2).
Fast forward a few months after he separated, I found out he'd been having an affair.
Noone new of his family.
I've always been very close to.my MIL and love her. I think initially she was very upset with her son, but OW has been introduced to everyone, she's moved in to my old family home and spends time with my DD ( which is still such a painful experience for me).

Anyway, MIL and I keep in touch via WhatsApp occasionally (she's in UK, we're abroad) and told me that she needed to accept her sons decision, but that I will always be part of her family.

Few weeks ago, she text me saying she'd be in town to see DDs and asked if we could meet up for coffee, which I said I'd happily do.

She's been here a week and is leaving today (DDs have been with Ex whilst MIL is in town) and I've heard nothing from her.

I know her loyalties will always be with her son, but just the thought of her spending time with OW where it used to be and the general feeling of being replaced so easily has been really hard for me for thr last couple of days.

And now MIL has not said a word about meeting for coffee.. I don't want to assume any ill intentions, I guess it's weird for her too and maybe she didn't want to disrupt any plans/activities to come and meet me, but it still bloody hurts.

I know she cares for me and I know she wants us to stay in touch for DDs sake to.keep the family unit- which is lovely, but the reality is,my relationship with ex could not be worse, my family never want to see him again (I know this is awful for DD but I can't force my family to see my ex who feel betrayed by him too) and maybe it would make more sense for me to cut my losses.

I wonder if being in touch with MIL, seeing her, asking to meet for coffee to then not get in touch at all with me, is actually causing me more pain knowing that she now also spends Time with OW ( and I know this wasn't MIL choice).

Anyone out there whose been in my position? Someone who can share some.experiences?

Thanks so much for reading, I appreciate it!

I'm confused. You're upset at your adulterous MIL who you adored for abandoning you after her adulterous son also abandoned you. They both sound horrendous, so surely she's no great loss to you.

Lighteningstrikes · 01/04/2024 16:28

@Polominty
This shows real emotional intelligence.
So many families close rank.

Smokeysgirl · 01/04/2024 16:56

I had a similar situation but it was my brother who split from his wife. I'd known her since she was 16, they split aged late 30s, and they had a 2 year old daughter. I tried to stay neutral and maintained a good relationship with them both for my nieces sake, as did my mum, especially as ex SIL didn't have much of a support network and I wanted to be there for her for my nieces sake. Then db married a horrendous woman who was horrible to my little niece and first wife. She also encouraged db to cut off contact with me and my mum because we were still friendly with first wife, she even threatened that we could no longer see niece if we kept in touch with first wife (her and db split after a short time). Luckily we still had that good relationship with first wife and continued to see niece regularly through her instead of via db. It was so difficult keeping everyone happy so I can sympathise a bit with your ex MIL, but there's no excuse for her not messaging you about the coffee date and If I was her I'd do my best to keep a good relationship with you, the wronged party and mother of my grandkids, she doesn't know what's going to happen in the future, what if she falls out with her son or if anything happened to him? her contact with her grandchildren would then depend on you. I'm not surprised you feel hurt.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 01/04/2024 18:20

BigAnne · 01/04/2024 15:55

I'm confused. You're upset at your adulterous MIL who you adored for abandoning you after her adulterous son also abandoned you. They both sound horrendous, so surely she's no great loss to you.

Show quote history

If only it was that "simple"
...
But I now what you're saying and I appreciate it!

OP posts:
PearChutney · 01/04/2024 20:06

Keep stringing things out for as long as possible with those lawyers - that's bound to piss the ex off way more than you seeing his mother would.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 01/04/2024 21:14

You wouldn't believe how much grief he's given me for having the audacity to hire a lawyer, think messages telling me he can't afford birthday presents for DDs because of the mounting lawyer bills.

Well, if you'll want somebody to trust you and your intentions, don't have an affair...
Otherwise be faced with lawyers.

Twat!

OP posts:
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