Go no contact with MIL after STBXH affair?

[Mensuckbigtime]

Hey everyone,
Posted before.
STBXH left over a year ago (18 year together, 10 years married, two DD-5 and 2).
Fast forward a few months after he separated, I found out he'd been having an affair.
Noone new of his family.
I've always been very close to.my MIL and love her. I think initially she was very upset with her son, but OW has been introduced to everyone, she's moved in to my old family home and spends time with my DD ( which is still such a painful experience for me).

Anyway, MIL and I keep in touch via WhatsApp occasionally (she's in UK, we're abroad) and told me that she needed to accept her sons decision, but that I will always be part of her family.

Few weeks ago, she text me saying she'd be in town to see DDs and asked if we could meet up for coffee, which I said I'd happily do.

She's been here a week and is leaving today (DDs have been with Ex whilst MIL is in town) and I've heard nothing from her.

I know her loyalties will always be with her son, but just the thought of her spending time with OW where it used to be and the general feeling of being replaced so easily has been really hard for me for thr last couple of days.

And now MIL has not said a word about meeting for coffee.. I don't want to assume any ill intentions, I guess it's weird for her too and maybe she didn't want to disrupt any plans/activities to come and meet me, but it still bloody hurts.

I know she cares for me and I know she wants us to stay in touch for DDs sake to.keep the family unit- which is lovely, but the reality is,my relationship with ex could not be worse, my family never want to see him again (I know this is awful for DD but I can't force my family to see my ex who feel betrayed by him too) and maybe it would make more sense for me to cut my losses.

I wonder if being in touch with MIL, seeing her, asking to meet for coffee to then not get in touch at all with me, is actually causing me more pain knowing that she now also spends Time with OW ( and I know this wasn't MIL choice).

Anyone out there whose been in my position? Someone who can share some.experiences?

Thanks so much for reading, I appreciate it!

Oh and when I have to.pick up DDs from their dads, we always meet outside.

No way I want to see that bitch

I would not make any effort with MIL in your shoes. Let her go. It's another loss but she's not prioritising you at all and couldn't even be arsed to send a message to say she couldn't meet you for coffee after stringing you along. Even if the ex doesn't like her seeing you, surely she's got her own mind!
I suspect she'd like a relationship with you on her terms but only if she needs it. ie, if she wasn't getting to see the children through your ex she'd probably be your new best friend. She doesn't feel she needs you but will keep you warm in case she does one day.
Make a decision, be civil if she gets in touch, but in your shoes I wouldn't meet her or initiate contact.

I think the fact that MIL left her marriage for an affair partner is really crucial here. As a PP said, she probably feels unable to accommodate seeing you knowing how her son has hurt you and she did the same thing to your FIL. Personally I wouldn’t send a message. Just let things drift.

@Dery , I totally agree , the fact that my ex and split , due to him having an affair affected everything.

It’s still such early days and so terribly raw for you.

I would let the dust settle and give it time to see what’s best for you.

It’s your choice and whatever you decide, she loves you and she will understand.

Getting back to your ex-H, I bet he’ll live to regret what he’s done. You on the other hand will be okay and the sun will shine again 💐

That's not nice behaviour on her part so you are better off out of it.

You still have your dignity.

@Lighteningstrikes , I wish my ex regretted things ! Sadly he seemed super happy with the ow , and dropped dd 1 , he hasn’t seen her for 20 years.

Somebody who drops their own flesh and blood to ride into the sunset with OW is totally morally corrupted.

He either carries tremendous guilt for what he's done to his DC or he has a black heart- either way he deserves neither you nor his child.

What a horrible human being !
My Ex is currently on holiday with OW for 10 days... eldest DD has already been howling as its "too long"... but her DFs mantra is" the children are happy when I am happy"

Makes me sick to my stomach

It's entirely possible your ex and the OW don't want her to maintain a relationship with you amd she feels torn as a result.

I'm sure she feels torn, I just wish she would say so rather than ignoring me .

I think that would be the mature thing to do

I'd agree. But people get weird. I really don't blame you for being upset at all. I totally get it.

But I do suspect she came fully intending to see you and it probably caused WW3 with your ex and the OW so now she just doesn't know what to do.

I have heard often that people threaten their parents if they engage with the ex at all.

Yeah, it's a shitty situation for everyone and I appreciate that MIL will always "choose" her son over me.

Ex has really not only broken up his immediate family but the extended family too with his stupid little affair.

So many casualties.

Anyway, he's no loss

The way I’d view this is that your relationship with her needs to go through a massive shift in terms of dynamics, BUT that does not mean you need to back out of it entirely or cut off form her

she knew you for a very long time. You were her daughter in law, and as it seems you had a very good relationship treated you like a daughter. And her son was her son. The two relationships independent of that you had as husband and wife. In effect like 2 of her children. It contains nothing of the dynamics of your relationship as spouses. This is why she talks to you about STBEX line nothing much has happened. In same way as she’d talk to two DC of her own who’d had a minor disagreement, the “least said soonest mended” approach. She is simply not able to process that you and her son are not “siblings” at all, even though that’s a close approximation for how ILs treat a loved DIL or SIL.

both of you are now in situation where you are no longer in an adult “child” and mother relationship. And you both need to forge out what a new relationship would be. And that can be as friends. but this would mean you both need to go through that and be actively seeking to change and adapt your realtionship

Time for an honest and difficult conversation. Tell her that you would like to continue to have a relationship with her- that she’s important to you. Does she feel same? If so, then explain why the way the relationship you have is causing you pain- the reminders of stbex, and how him leaving your marriage made you feel abandoned and rejected. That when she talks about him to you, it opens up a wound that hurts very keenly still, and often can catch you unaware when you’re not prepared and marshalling your emotions (eg just throwing him into conversation). ONLY use me/I type statements, “I feel” “I hurt”, don’t use “you make me feel “ type stuff. Once you’ve explained then ask Would she be open to evolve the relationship, in light of this, to a friendship where your relationship is about just you, her, and her gc, but she leaves conversations, comments, observations about her son and his new partner at the door . Yep, it’ll be difficult for her, and youto an extent, to do this, but give it a try.

it is a big thing to say you loved your MIL. There’ll be times in future that having a good friendship with her will pay dividends, even if she is abroad. You talk about having to process that grief of loosing her too. So don’t right now, try first to help her understand that talking to you about her son is really painful and difficult for you, but you value her friendship and can you and she shift your relationship to one that is completely independent and not relevent to your stbex. It’s worth a shot I’d think having read what you say about your feelings. If she won’t do it- refuses, then yep, it’s probably far better for you to break off contact quietly and put her at a very firm arm length. If she says yes, then can’t let go and keeps bringing up stuff about her son, then again you can back off. But try an open conversation first - see if you can both make the change

He’s her son. Chances are if she maintains a relationship with you and meets for coffee etc it will affect her relationship with him, if she’s perceived to take sides.

dh had the opposite. His ex had an affair, kicked him out and moved OM in the same night. His parents and sister carried on as normal with her, doing childcare, pet sitting, going round for visits. The ex encouraged it as it validated her idea she wasn’t in the wrong (!)

however it irreparably damaged his relationship with his family. Not only was he homeless, with a new bloke ensconced in his home parenting his kids, he couldn’t even turn up at his parents without finding her there having coffee.

so I think I’d accept she’s going to cool a little. Especially if she doesn’t need you to facilitate a relationship with her grandchild.

What? His parents has her over for coffee after what she's done?
Did I get that right???

Thanks so much for your response which has been quite eye opening

The way in which she has left you hanging waiting for coffee plans to be finalised and now, read and ignored your messages doesn't sit right with me. Friends (let alone family!) don't behave in such a rude and dismissive way. I don't care how 'torn' she is, that's not nice behaviour.

I'm sorry OP, to sound harsh but I also judge her for being a cheater and raising a cheater.

🤮 he sounds an absolute bag of shit.

What an absolutely self-centred narcissist - he’s got that the wrong way around - he should be endeavouring to make his DD’s happy, not using his affair as some kind of sick justification that he’s done it for them, bc they’ll obv be over the moon when they realise what’s happened as they get older.

Vile individual

As well as guilt that she has done the same to her exH, there may also be guilt that she has somehow provided her son and example that it’s ok to chuck in your family in the pursuit of your own happiness.

I’m obv not saying all children whose parents cheated will inevitably cheat themselves or that ppl don’t have a right to be happy and should stay within a toxic marriage, everyone’s circumstances are different. But there may be that element too to consider and she finds it, after consideration, a bit uncomfortable, even hypocritical to meet with you.

But she should have the integrity to at least respond and explain her situation.

Sadly most ppl would choose radio silence rather than confront a difficult situation. Look at all the ghosters out there. She’s no exception.

This is probably very difficult for your mil as well as she can't exchange her own son but then the situation is too awkward and frankly embarrassing for her having give birth to a piece of shit. At first she may maintain contact but overtime, how frequent should the contact be? Then there's the element where you might meet someone which might make it even more awkward but first of all i bet the OW's insecurities (because once a cheat always a cheat) probably dictating your dicktwat ex husband hence he may be affecting your ex mil contact with you. I'd let it fizzle out and if you ever cross paths just keep it civil.

I’m the MIL in this situation my son has 2 exes 1 child with each and now a new partner I’ve been navigating this for 6 yrs and counting.
I’m very aware of my son’s faults and don’t automatically take his side, I’m very disappointed in him in fact. I actually advised his last partner to leave before she got pregnant ( he’s not abusive in case that’s how it comes across) she actually asked me for my opinion I didn’t say it off my own bat. Apparently his new partner doesn’t like me because I pulled my son up for bad mouthing both his exes in front of his children. My view is that they will always be part of the family, maybe not close but still part of it as they are my grandchildren’s mums. His second partner used to join in badmouthing his first and now his third partner is badmouthing the first and second, quite frankly it’s a mess. I see my grandchildren regularly on their dad’s time and I’m a very involved grandma
I’m not really close to my ex DIL’s but they know I am always there if they need me, they’ll ask me to babysit for them and we had a big meet up at Christmas. My son wouldn’t try to tell me not to keep in loose contact with them.

You assume the OW would either know or care.

There is a world of difference between going no contact and just no longer making an effort.

My exMIL is superficially friendly to me, but is busy making sure that there is no possible way I receive any financial benefit from anything she may do, even if it hurts my DSs, her DGC.

I don't get a cent from my ex in maintenance, btw, and he caused us to lose everything so I have no assets and had to start again.

But she is my DSs DGM and for their sakes I remain civil. I make no effort to keep in contact though. Hell will freeze over before I put myself out in any way for her.

I have, though, reached out to some of my ex BILs and SILs - ex treated them badly too and hurt them a great deal as well. I knew them for 30 years, some of them very well, and saw them without my then H most of the time. I'm hopeful that my DSs can reconnect with some of their cousins on that side as well. However if they were more supportive of my ex I probably wouldn't have done that. But the only way my DSs will see their cousins on that side of the family is through me so I'm willing to do that.

she left my FIL for her affair partner, so yes, it "runs " in the family

I'd text her "like mother, like son", and then block the bitch.

Exactly that! She'd rather go radio silence than have a difficult conversation, there's a part in me that "understands" that, but I also feel that the fact that we've known each other for 20 years would warrant a conversation and not her "ignoring" my messages.

But my ex is exactly the same, incredibly conflict avoidant, sweep things under the rug kind of person, pretend everything is OK, when it's not...

It's been quite eye opening.

My next partner will be able to hold difficult conversations...