Go no contact with MIL after STBXH affair?

[Mensuckbigtime]

Hey everyone,
Posted before.
STBXH left over a year ago (18 year together, 10 years married, two DD-5 and 2).
Fast forward a few months after he separated, I found out he'd been having an affair.
Noone new of his family.
I've always been very close to.my MIL and love her. I think initially she was very upset with her son, but OW has been introduced to everyone, she's moved in to my old family home and spends time with my DD ( which is still such a painful experience for me).

Anyway, MIL and I keep in touch via WhatsApp occasionally (she's in UK, we're abroad) and told me that she needed to accept her sons decision, but that I will always be part of her family.

Few weeks ago, she text me saying she'd be in town to see DDs and asked if we could meet up for coffee, which I said I'd happily do.

She's been here a week and is leaving today (DDs have been with Ex whilst MIL is in town) and I've heard nothing from her.

I know her loyalties will always be with her son, but just the thought of her spending time with OW where it used to be and the general feeling of being replaced so easily has been really hard for me for thr last couple of days.

And now MIL has not said a word about meeting for coffee.. I don't want to assume any ill intentions, I guess it's weird for her too and maybe she didn't want to disrupt any plans/activities to come and meet me, but it still bloody hurts.

I know she cares for me and I know she wants us to stay in touch for DDs sake to.keep the family unit- which is lovely, but the reality is,my relationship with ex could not be worse, my family never want to see him again (I know this is awful for DD but I can't force my family to see my ex who feel betrayed by him too) and maybe it would make more sense for me to cut my losses.

I wonder if being in touch with MIL, seeing her, asking to meet for coffee to then not get in touch at all with me, is actually causing me more pain knowing that she now also spends Time with OW ( and I know this wasn't MIL choice).

Anyone out there whose been in my position? Someone who can share some.experiences?

Thanks so much for reading, I appreciate it!

That is weird that she didn't arrange a time or apologise. I wonder if she might have even misread something, as even if her son told her not to meet you, it would be normal to apologise, wouldn't it? Or maybe he's been telling her porkies about your supposedly bad behaviour to cover up his guilt over his affair.

I have kept in touch with my exFIL, partly because it seems weird after 20 years simply to have no further contact and partly (if only a tiny part) to make a point to my ex, as he always tried to make it seem like I hated his family, simply because I complained about their sometimes overbearing behaviour. So now I have his dad over for a day at Christmas - we get along just fine and it's nice not to lose touch with them all.

MIL tends to talk about STBXH as if nothings happened, its awkward and like there's a massive elephant in the room which I'm notmallowed to talk about
This would not happen with my exFIL, as when I found out about my exh's affairs I was very open about both the affairs and the fact that I was pissed off. It totally changed the dynamic of my relationship with exFIL and he's pretty careful now!

Please don't contact her. Your messages will be shared with your ex and the OW. This will boost his ego and make OW feel like the lucky one. Try to move on. You being happy is the best revenge.

I'm afraid it sounds like your exmil has already made the decision for you. I'm sure she knows that the happiness of her family depends on a seamless relationship between her and OW. Unfortunately, harsh as it may sound, you are not her family. She may contact you again if she needs something (probably for the kids) but I'm guessing that will be it. So sorry.

I disapprove of the way she has handled this. It’s really cowardly.

She could have texted you first (in response to your open and friendly texts) and said she was too busy but sorry to miss you. Or she could have told the truth and said sadly my son feels uncomfortable with us meeting, I’m so sorry and I do care about you.

Sorry @Mensuckbigtime it sounds very hard ❤️

The meet was her idea, so as such she has been very rude and thoughtless, whatever her reason for not meeting up.
The reasons are irrelevant, she could of had the best or worst reasons in the world, but to ignore your texts, and keep you hanging for the week without even letting you know, that's not nice. It says more about her, and you don't need someone like that in your life. I bet you wouldn't of done that to her, so it looks like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You are a more thoughtful and kinder person and probably make for a better friend, whereas they clearly have lower standards of behaviour. Hold your head up high, and forge better relationships, I'm sure you will without them.

I'm a MIL. I think it's bloody rude of her frankly. I can understand her finding it awkward to slip away. She shouldn't have mentioned coffee meet up at all if she was going to bail on you. I love my DILs and could never do something like this.

Thanks for all your kind messages.
It's probably a mixture of things
The weirdness of us meeting, my ex feeding her with all the horrible things I have done continue to do (like using a divorce lawyer which is costing him money as he's had to get a lawyer too- but I'd be a fool not to use a lawyer with an ex-husband who cannot be trusted)

She obviously hears his side of the story ans not mine... she left my FIL for her affair partner, so yes, it "runs " in the family

And I also think it's a bit cowardly of her, but then again, cheating is an act of cowardice...

Anyway, I've got bigger fish to fry then whether or not MIL wants to be in touch or not. HER LOSS

Well done OP - love the attitude! 🩷

Carry on 😎

Just to update
Sent MIL a text yesterday to ask her if she wants to come join me and DD whilst we go "see" a family member at the cemetery who has passed away a few years ago and that we all care a lot about.

Obviously I don't know whether she's still in town.

She's read the messages, no response.

I also told her that we lit a candle in all of our names- message read, no reply.
Whatever

I think she is sending you a very clear signal that she wants to back away from your relationship .
She is team H here.
She also has the same moral compass as him by the sounds of it.

Staying close will do you no good. Perhaps send the odd message relating to DD and try and build a less close but cordial relationship around DDs where you cherish them. It will make seeing her at events in the future easier.

Very gently, OP, I think you have to let this go.

I get it. You've been thrusted out of half of your family because of an affair, and that's devastatingly hurtful. The rejection by your XH is a killer. But it does sound from ths thread that you're hoping to hang on to a relationship with his mother as a way to maintain some thread of contact with his family, which isn't always the best or the most healthy thing to do when a marriage ends. She shouldn't have offered to meet you for coffee, but I don't think you should have texted her about it, or offered to meet at the cemetary. It's creating drama and isn't going to make her want to spend time with you. You need to let her go as one of XH's people, because he's hurt you too much for this to be healthy.

I do know how hard it is. I loved XH's family very much, but knew that accepting their absence was a part of my healing after the marriage ended. There was no big declaration of NC, and there's still mutual fondness there, but there's a lot to be said for stepping back with dignity.

I'd say she's backed away from you. And this trip specifically has triggered that.

Most likely exh and ow feel uncomfortable with her seeing you and out of respect for them she is following their wishes.

Just wanted to say that it does get easier. I know it's a cliche. Over time the emotions settle and you just become more pragmatic and accepting of things beyond your control.

It's a v harsh lesson to realise which connections are true and loyal and which are not but see it as a gift.

I was in a similar position to you - had known my in-laws for over 20 years and thought I was well liked and respected. We had always got on really well. Ex had affairs and I instigated divorce. He told them all sorts of lies and I presume didn't mention his infidelities or poor treatment. I was dropped like a hot potato. It hurt and I went non contact without explaining myself or trying to rectify their understanding of the situation. I realised I just had to accept that they were his family and had to be loyal to him. In fairness my parents did the same in reverse, knowing what he actually put me through so that helped me understand the dynamic better.

The same applied to friendships. I very quickly found out who my true friends were and who believed his version of events. It actually made it easier as now I know exactly who has my back and who I can trust.

The OW playing happy families with your kids and watching your crappy ex come up smelling of roses in a ready made home and family is a bitter pill to swallow but no one can take away your role as mum. Just be the better person. Your kids will see who is honest and reliable and who puts them first. Mine still see my ex but choose to live with me full time and we are the happiest little unit. There is a real peace in it. It is also very liberating to not be tied to a partner - my future, my choice as it were.

Be kind to yourself and do what helps you move forwards in peace.

I would imagine your ex is putting pressure on her not to see you. She won't know what to do as she wants a relationship with the children.

It's probably really hard and sad for her too.

Thanks so much for your messages.

I'm still in the thick of it.

We were together for nearly 20 years and it's only been 1.5 since he left.

I'm hurt and the fall out from all this is tremendous with a whole family unit collapsing, which is obviously bad for DD.

I will step away, ExH had caused so much havoc, who.was I married to????

Thanks so much!
Yup, that's my aim to.keeo the morale highground, which am really struggling with atm.

Not in front of DD, I never say a bad word, but I can't keep my mouth shut to ExH via text.

But hey, it's been an awful year and I can't get it right all the time.

But it's so good to hear that it does get better.

And if this whole thing has shown me one thing, than it's that all the friends I have are amazing and have been.by my side through all this heartache.

So there is light at the end of the tunnel

Sounds like you’re better off without her the cold bitch

I’d send a ‘disappointing’ or ‘expected better, MIL’ then that’s it

Yeah,it was kind of my last attempt.
I'd rather she just said that she thought it was better for us to.hafe limited contact than to just blank me.

It's so upsetting.

Anyway, have to cook dinner

Totally understand where you’re coming from. She could and should have been a lot kinder in her response, but like others have said, she’s obviously a coward and has opted for the easy way out, like her son. They sound very similar so you’re better off without them both.

Glad to hear you’ve got loads of other support around you x

Probably also made her uncomfortable knowing she treated her ex husband the way her son is treating you and is seeing it from the wrong persons perspective. Probably doesn’t want to look at the devastation caused as it reflects her own actions.

Still a coward.

Not much to add except that I'm in the same boat - STBX had an affair, left me and moved in with OW immediately almost a year ago. My in-laws, who I loved and thought loved me, cut me off and welcomed OW in. I have to pick up DD from their house and STBX's house regularly and it is so hard. Today I picked her up and OW was hanging around the doorway so I told DD to say goodbye to STBX and OW nicely - OW just ignored me and avoided eye contact!

I keep telling myself that by behaving in a civilised and polite way, I will have the moral high ground. But fuck me it's hard sometimes.

I think this is a really difficult one but your feelings are valid and I think you should express them at least. And if she doesn't respond in a way that you can accept then consider leaving it at that?

So I would tell her that you are still reeling from the discovery of the betrayal. That part of the awfulness is losing not just him but the life you had together, including having her as family. That you understand that her first loyalty is to her son, however he has behaved, but that if you're honest, the fact that you have been so easily replaced in her family by the new partner is an extra blow.

See how she responds. Because although she probably does have to accept the new partner, that doesn't mean that she has to drop you like a stone does it - she could do both, and that would have been the kinder thing to do.

God that’s so hard. I feel for you. The OW is probably really insecure which is why she’s making herself visible to you, but avoiding eye contact. The best thing you can do is have a great big smile on your face and be as upbeat as you possibly can no matter how you feel inside. She will hopefully avoid you.

Wow, you're amazing, asking your DC to say goodbye to OW properly. You're a lot better than me!
I avoid OW like the plague, met her once for a coffee for the DDs sake and since then I try not to think about her until DDs mention her (Obviously totally oblivious what pain their DF and her have caused me) and I have to put on a brave face .

It really is the WORST thing ever to have to go through and I sometimes wish karma would exist.