Go no contact with MIL after STBXH affair?

[Mensuckbigtime]

Hey everyone,
Posted before.
STBXH left over a year ago (18 year together, 10 years married, two DD-5 and 2).
Fast forward a few months after he separated, I found out he'd been having an affair.
Noone new of his family.
I've always been very close to.my MIL and love her. I think initially she was very upset with her son, but OW has been introduced to everyone, she's moved in to my old family home and spends time with my DD ( which is still such a painful experience for me).

Anyway, MIL and I keep in touch via WhatsApp occasionally (she's in UK, we're abroad) and told me that she needed to accept her sons decision, but that I will always be part of her family.

Few weeks ago, she text me saying she'd be in town to see DDs and asked if we could meet up for coffee, which I said I'd happily do.

She's been here a week and is leaving today (DDs have been with Ex whilst MIL is in town) and I've heard nothing from her.

I know her loyalties will always be with her son, but just the thought of her spending time with OW where it used to be and the general feeling of being replaced so easily has been really hard for me for thr last couple of days.

And now MIL has not said a word about meeting for coffee.. I don't want to assume any ill intentions, I guess it's weird for her too and maybe she didn't want to disrupt any plans/activities to come and meet me, but it still bloody hurts.

I know she cares for me and I know she wants us to stay in touch for DDs sake to.keep the family unit- which is lovely, but the reality is,my relationship with ex could not be worse, my family never want to see him again (I know this is awful for DD but I can't force my family to see my ex who feel betrayed by him too) and maybe it would make more sense for me to cut my losses.

I wonder if being in touch with MIL, seeing her, asking to meet for coffee to then not get in touch at all with me, is actually causing me more pain knowing that she now also spends Time with OW ( and I know this wasn't MIL choice).

Anyone out there whose been in my position? Someone who can share some.experiences?

Thanks so much for reading, I appreciate it!

It is possible to maintain a good relationship with ex MIL. My exSIL remained close to my mother long after she and my brother divorced. There was no OW, although both went on to have separate relationships. My mother has passed away now and exSIL was fantastic in her he final years, much better than my brother. I’m still friendly with her too although we don’t leave nearby. My brother wasn’t thrilled about it first, but he came to accept they had a separate relationship built over years that was not about him.

I’m sorry op, I think that’s rude that she didn’t even apologise for not seeing you.

i would just fade out of communications with her. I wouldn’t send her any messages because they’d probably be sent to your ex and the other woman.

I wrote a long post then my phone died and I lost it 😕
Suffice to say, whether through choice, outside influence or distance, the chances are the relationship will fizzle out.

I cried earlier when I was writing because I very much miss my ex in-laws. We maintained our relationship for 18 months after my DH of 21 years left me for OW. The last time I saw mil and fil was the same day their new GC, my DC’s half sibling, was born.
Not my favourite day in life. Within the next few weeks it was MIL’s birthday and Mother’s Day. I sent cards and texts but she never responded. I sent a Christmas card with a note saying I missed them both and my FIL sent an email saying he missed me too but that was 6 years ago and I’ve heard no more.
I try not to think about them too much because it does upset me (crying again now) but I can’t imagine what their son said to them about me. I’d always maintained I wouldn’t talk about him to them but I doubt he was so disciplined. He was a total asshat to me so I can only guess.

TL:DR I miss my in-laws but it is what it is.

Aw, too bad you missed seeing her, maybe she was just avoiding awkwardness? Send her a photo of the girls once in a while just to keep the communication open.

I hope that you do manage to maintain a relationship with her, since she will be a part of your life always. Think ahead to celebrations for your daughters; birthdays, graduation, weddings, etc.

I would tell her when she contacts me next time. First because it shows respect and second - and most importantly- to get it out of your system.

As hurtful as it is. This is not your mils fault

As hard as this is for you (and her!) Her son has got on with his life and you are not part of his future other than your connection with his children. Your mil is part of that connection and will always remain so.

She obviously cares for you as she reached out. Shes in an awkward situation where she wants contact with you but can't be seen to rock the boat

Don't gol no contact that will gurt your children as well as her. But keep low contact

Maybe drop her a text giving her the opt-out....say hey I'm free for coffee tomorrow morning ..understand if you have plans let me know

Take control of it this way no one gets hurt. If you do meet her. Dont mention your ex. Keep the conversation light

She has two children who see their father regularly (presumably) so she will always get news of him!

Thanks for all your input.

I'm finding this whole experience pretty painful...as if divorce and becoming a part time mother and dealing with thr aftermath of the affair wasn't enough.

MIL lives in a different country, so there isn't much overlap.
Right now, my gut tells me to cut contact and to also tell her my reasons (as personally I find this to be the most respectful way).

I know she's my DDs grandmother and I will remain cordial should I ever see her, but I also feel like I need to sometimes put my heart and my feelings first.

I have to put on a brave face everything my children mention OW, I have to see my Ex who broke my heart... that's enough for a lifetime.

Sorry for this sombre post, I feel quite disillusioned

It’s so hard when relationships end due to affairs , my ex had an affair , when dd 1 was 3 months old . I kept in sporadic contact with ex pil , till dd was 4 when they psssed away . Dd 2 is now 25 , neither ex dp or his family have had anything to do with her for 20 years.

That's so sad, I'm sorry!

@Mensuckbigtime , thank you , my partner of 20 years has bought her up as his own ,and I do feel it says more about my ex and his family than it does her . I will also say the ow is a complete and utter cow .

I can totally understand how you feel, but gently are you displacing some of the upset at the situation on to her rather than STBX?

It sounds like you want the opportunity to say that's it's not fair and it hurts but maybe she isn't the one who really needs to be the recipient- she also dealing with what her son has done

Do you have much support? Someone you can just moan and let it all out? If not are you having counselling? You are dealing with a lot and for the first time in a long time in your own rather than part of a partnership

Maybe, it's hard to untangle my emotions.

I feel like I've been replaced and forgotten and I know MIL is not at fault for any of this and I guess Maybe in some way her finding the time to meet for coffee would have meant that I haven't been forgotten (I know this sounds cheesy but that's how I feel).

I just feel that keeping in touch with her and knowing that what used to be my life with her is now being continued with someone else in my place and seeing her and feeling the weirdness of it all is pretty painful.

My MIL being here has brought up a lot of feelings, as I've also kind of lost my relationship with her.

I'll sit on it and see how I feel in a few days time.

I think in the short term you need to focus all your energy on getting yourself to a place where you're free of the burden of these people. Grieve your marriage as it was, draw a line, and use your child free time to do things that make you happy. There's a lot to be said for being happy in your own skin, with your people, who will naturally be by your side. Focus on them for now and once you're content again (not to say all your sadness will go away but you'll learn to park it) and then see where you are with her. It sounds like you're still very wrapped up in the thick of it all, a shift is needed and the MIL issue will take its natural course at the same time

I left my first h almost 18 years ago

ExMil is one of my best friends, i can't imagine having gone no contact even though my ex her son was an abusive twat, she's such an important part of my life. I went on to have 2 more dc and she treats them like her own and they call her Nanna.
I hope you manage to keep the relationship with her x

I don't see why you can't talk about it. Bottling up things ends in resentment, which damages the relationship.

He did what he did, no getting around it.

I'd let the relationship drift tho.

You're feeling replaced because ow has replaced you as part of mil's life with her son. You have a different place with your dc now but are still a part of her life & history.

I split with my ex and wasn’t that close to my in laws we didn’t live near to them. But I always got on with them. They didn’t check me or the children were ok at all. While my ex seemed to go off the rails and hurry into a new relationship. I messaged father in law once and got a basic message back. Without any care shown. We were together for 20 years. So I removed all his family on social media and they see their grandchildren less than ever. I haven’t had one conversation with them since the split. I guess there is 2 sides to every story. People also show their true colours in these kind of situations. It hurts but in your situation I would step back.

I was thinking this - it will be annoying OW in the extreme that her partner’s DM is still meeting his ex, and that coupled with the fact you share children will make her feel that you will always be a shadow over her life and, despite what you feel, she can never fully replace you.

Your bond with MIL is valid and reasonable, given your long history, and fact she is your DD’s GM. It will be hurtful to an extent at times but you don’t ever have to talk about her and if you ask your MIL never to mention her to you she doesn’t have to impact your relationship at all. I’d give it a go anyway and if you decide it’s too painful then you can explain your feelings and go NC, but this for me would feel like another WIN for the OW, which I’d find unpalatable.

I’m like you @Glitterbiscuits

Cut contact, she said she would meet and she hasn’t it will fade out now anyway her son will come first.

No contact and get on with your own life it’s the only way.

How come you didn't message her when you knew she was in town @Mensuckbigtime?

She's probably just as unsure about your relationship now as you are, if you wanted to see her why didn't you just message saying "Hey, I'm free on X days for a catch up, let me know when works for you". She served you the ball with the initial offer to meet up, and you never returned it. She probably wasn't sure that you actually wanted to meet.

That's not true
She said she would be in town soon and that we could.meet up for coffee.
I said great, I have days off and am.quite flexible.

A week later, I said- when are you in town exactly and again reiterated that I am quite flexible with my time.

No response from her.

I text her yesterday saying that I'm sorry I didn't get to see her and that I hope she had a good time.

I told her I was available, she never responded what more can I do... keep texting her?

Fair enough then, there's not much more you can do.

I'd not cut her off though, just pull back a bit. It may not even be entirely her fault, she may have mentioned meeting you and your ex kicked off about it.

That’s bad she blanked you. Most likely got told not to meet you by her son. But as you are the mother of her GC and you’ve presumably had a good relationship for the last 18 years she should have told him he can’t dictate who she is in contact with.

However, he may be a complete arsehole and say she can’t see GC if she does.

Karma will catch up with him and his OW, don’t worry.

You’ve been wondering if you should cut bridges.
She clearly has done the same and has tried to gently drop you.

I’d take that as a sign you BOTH need to step back. For your own MH. And for whatever reason your MIL has (pressure from her ds, being reminded of his behaviour, whatever else it is).

At least, you both want/need the same thing.

Id concentrate on yourself now.

True. Didn’t think about it.