Good sex / bad sex

[Molly2008]

How normal is it to find a partner who can be amazing in bed occasionally but is mostly ok?

I've dated consistently good and consistently ok. But this new guy has moments of brilliance and then lots of ok.

So it got me thinking what's "normal"?!

[BCBird]

Well if there are moments of brilliance encourage him so it continues. What's 'normal mean? No.such thing.

[theeyeofdoe]

You just say ‘tonight I’d really like it if you’d…,”
job done. They generally tend to ask back, if they don’t you ask them what they’d like.

That’s only backfired once and I’m very open minded and it involved mayonnaise - which I absolutely detest.

[kkloo]

What's different about the times that he's amazing in bed versus when he's ok?

[JIMMI85]

@kkloo

What's different about the times that he's amazing in bed versus when he's ok?

Almost certainly tiredness or he’s not in the mood but doesn’t want to cause offence by saying no would be my guess.

if i’m not in the mood(which is rarely tbh) my OH gets offended so we often have sex anyway and i’m pretty sure it’s/i’m never as good as when we are both up for it.

[WinterDeWinter]

@JIMMI85

Almost certainly tiredness or he’s not in the mood but doesn’t want to cause offence by saying no would be my guess.

if i’m not in the mood(which is rarely tbh) my OH gets offended so we often have sex anyway and i’m pretty sure it’s/i’m never as good as when we are both up for it.

That's abuse.

[JIMMI85]

@WinterDeWinter

That's abuse.

How is that abuse?

it’s not manipulation or forced sex, I just want to make My OH happy

[WinterDeWinter]

@JIMMI85

How is that abuse?

it’s not manipulation or forced sex, I just want to make My OH happy

If he’s offended when you don’t, he’s pressurising you. Youre having sex when you don’t want to to avoid whatever it is he does when he’s offended. Sulking, whatever. He wants you to ‘give in’ and behaves in a way that manipulates you into doing so.

You just can’t see it the abuse because it’s the air that you breathe.

[JIMMI85]

@WinterDeWinter

If he’s offended when you don’t, he’s pressurising you. Youre having sex when you don’t want to to avoid whatever it is he does when he’s offended. Sulking, whatever. He wants you to ‘give in’ and behaves in a way that manipulates you into doing so.

You just can’t see it the abuse because it’s the air that you breathe.

I’m a man….

is it still abuse?

[WinterDeWinter]

@JIMMI85 yes.

[Opentooffers]

I saw someone for a while who did some great things, then the great things became the same regular things and I started getting bored. Though it got results, in my mind it became formulaic and it turns out variey is important- no imagination. So I introduced a toy, that helped. Sometimes too much of the same good thing can leave you flat.

[Pinkbonbon]

I had to reread things but...if someone acts offended because you're not in the mood. So you have sex just to stop him sulking, then the poster is correct, this is abuse. It's called sexual coercion. You're having sex you don't want, just 'for a quiet life'.

Maybe it hasn't seemed like a big deal to you but... would you even behave that way to anyone? If not, who on earth would you excuse someone behaving like that to you?

Anyway...initial poster, not all sex is excellent all the time. People have better days and not do good days. Not sure what your issue is. Just sounds like a boast tbh.

[User135644]

@JIMMI85

I’m a man….

is it still abuse?

I think it's just expected that men will want sex anywhere anytime.

[Pinkbonbon]

@JIMMI85

I’m a man….

is it still abuse?

Yes.

Coercive control is abuse regardless of the sex of the victim.

[Sashya]

OP - back to your original question. Of course it is possible to find someone who you'll have good/great sex with. This is why people date and checking out sexual chemistry and fit is a big part of it.
Here is my take on sex in a longer term relationship...

If sex starts off as good in the early days of the relationship; AND you are able to communicate openly about likes and dislikes; AND both of you care about how the other feels; AND both put in an effort to learn about one another - then you have all the building blocks of good sex in the long term.
Next - it's important to understand that neither of you are a machine - and sex will vary. Tiredness, stress, etc - all come into it and affects how it all unfolds.
You can not have "brilliant" every time. Not on a long term basis - it's unrealistic to expect that.
Finally - I think sex gets better with time as you grow closer. And as long as you both don't lose interest in keeping it interesting; it'll work.

AND a separate point. I don't think it's fair to expect the man to be a magician and deliver some sort of brilliant performance. This makes the woman some sort of a passive receiver and a judge. For me - sex is a joint endeavour. Both need to participate and make an effort.

[Zarahlovesthebeach]

In my last long term relationship I can honestly say for 12 of those years we had a fantastic sex life , he also agreed. It was everything else that didnt work our personalities were so different. I've been asking myself a similar question actually.
I was dating a man last year , I found him very attractive , he said he did me too, we had incredible chemistry... when it came to having sex it was so strange , it was like our bodies didnt match or something, at 1st I thought maybe it was nerves, but it was so awkward the sex was so meh everytime, I came away dissatisfied even though he was a generous lover , he wasnt selfish at all... it's so hard to explain we could try a load of positions , lots of foreplay and it was just blah ... every single time , like going through the motions ...we had more chemistry while chatting and hanging out then in bed! It was one of the wierdest things. Sadly we matched in every other area, we had loads in common , talked for hours , same hobbies, but I couldn't live with the bad sex life and neither could he. Strangest thing!

[CherryBlossom321]

@JIMMI85

I’m a man….

is it still abuse?

Yes. Sexual coercion happens to women AND men.

[Zarahlovesthebeach]

@theeyeofdoe

You just say ‘tonight I’d really like it if you’d…,”
job done. They generally tend to ask back, if they don’t you ask them what they’d like.

That’s only backfired once and I’m very open minded and it involved mayonnaise - which I absolutely detest.

I'm intrigued over the mayonnaise 💁‍♀️😂

[FoodieWoodie]

@theeyeofdoe

You just say ‘tonight I’d really like it if you’d…,”
job done. They generally tend to ask back, if they don’t you ask them what they’d like.

That’s only backfired once and I’m very open minded and it involved mayonnaise - which I absolutely detest.

I’m guessing this was like a chocolate sauce situ, instead with Mayo?

You’ve won the open-minded award. I thought I was but I would go no further than salad cream lol

[VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia]

@JIMMI85

Almost certainly tiredness or he’s not in the mood but doesn’t want to cause offence by saying no would be my guess.

if i’m not in the mood(which is rarely tbh) my OH gets offended so we often have sex anyway and i’m pretty sure it’s/i’m never as good as when we are both up for it.

LTB. There's a word for men who don't take another person's "no" for an answer. It starts with R and rhymes with papist.

[SwordToFlamethrower]

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia

LTB. There's a word for men who don't take another person's "no" for an answer. It starts with R and rhymes with papist.

Edited

OP said he is a bloke, so it is a male homosexual relationship.

Coerced sex is gross.

[Xenoi24]

@SwordToFlamethrower

OP said he is a bloke, so it is a male homosexual relationship.

Coerced sex is gross.

It might be a straight relationship (?) It's not impossible.

Some women get offended if men don't want to have sex when they want to ... especially given the cliched assumption is that men are always up.fpr sex.

The poster would need to clarify.

[Wmale]

@WinterDeWinter

If he’s offended when you don’t, he’s pressurising you. Youre having sex when you don’t want to to avoid whatever it is he does when he’s offended. Sulking, whatever. He wants you to ‘give in’ and behaves in a way that manipulates you into doing so.

You just can’t see it the abuse because it’s the air that you breathe.

Is it OK for a man to break up his family leave his partner and 2 kids under 5 homeless and also leave all the pets needing to be rehomed because his partner just doesn't like sex anymore?

Is it OK for a partner to want a relationship without sex all the good bits of a relationship but not sex cause they can't be bothered but happy to be fully supported financially and otherwise by there oh.

[JIMMI85]

@SwordToFlamethrower

OP said he is a bloke, so it is a male homosexual relationship.

Coerced sex is gross.

I’m a male and OH is female.

definitely NOT coerced sex!!!

[C1N1C]

@JIMMI85

I’m a male and OH is female.

definitely NOT coerced sex!!!

I love all the leapt-to conclusions around all your posts in this one thread.

A woman can't possibly coerce you, so you MUST be gay! :)

[JIMMI85]

@C1N1C

I love all the leapt-to conclusions around all your posts in this one thread.

A woman can't possibly coerce you, so you MUST be gay! :)

I know right!!!

it also makes me laugh ( metaphorically speaking) how all woman think men are obsessed with sex!

it will no doubt go from coercion and rapist to , she probably just wants to feel loved 😂

But, my original statement, before all the jumped to conclusions, still stands. A man can be ‘less good ‘ in bed if he’s tired or not in the mood, the same way a woman can be.