Good sex / bad sex

[Molly2008]

How normal is it to find a partner who can be amazing in bed occasionally but is mostly ok?

I've dated consistently good and consistently ok. But this new guy has moments of brilliance and then lots of ok.

So it got me thinking what's "normal"?!

Oh dear - mumsnet double standards once again.

I hope that you show more respect for your ds if you have children.

Interesting to see that the said posters have disappeared without an apology or follow up!

It depends what you mean by 'not in the mood'. If you mean 'I wasn't already thinking of sex because I'm tired/ preoccupied' but actually when it became clear my partner was thinking about sex and we started fooling around I then warmed to the idea and we had sex and I was happy to have sex because I could see it was important for them (even though I would have been just as happy to have an early night) that's clearly different to 'I did not want sex at all' but felt it better to let someone violate me rather than face their sulking/ silent treatment/ pestering/ offending them.

Do you think it's acceptable to think not having having sex won't have any sort of impact in a relationship when one side does want sex?

That poster used "he" pronouns in part of his post that made me think that his OH is male.

Section 4 of the Sexual Offences Act rightly makes it a criminal offence to force a man to penetrate someone. There's no double standard on my part, merely a misread.

Whether you are male or female, coercing someone into sex is abuse.

Do you think it's acceptable to think that sexual coercion of the person you allegedly love the most in the world is OK?

No but to stop having sex with the person you supposedly want to get married too when it's one of the things that got you together in the 1st place and expect it not to have a impact on your relationship or even have a future with then is naive at best. If you can't be bothered to put a bit of effort in to something so importsnt to the other person it doesn't bode well for the rest of the relationship. If you think the everything you have together isn't worth sex once a week then it would never work out anyway when times get tough.

That’s only backfired once and I’m very open minded and it involved mayonnaise - which I absolutely detest.

You CAN NOT just post this and not explain. @theeyeofdoe

I think this is quite standard actually.

The only "fireworks every time without fail" guy I've been with was someone I only saw every few months at best (didn't live in each other's countries, only saw each other when one of us was travelling). Which is precisely why it was fireworks every time.

In a new relationship you may well have fireworks every time at the start but it'll settle into a mixture of cosy sex, lazy-but-still-nice sex and, hopefully still quite often, the old fireworks. And yes, even "maintenance sex" sometimes.

Having said that, is the difference between the "amazing sex" and merely "OK" because of different things he's doing, positions he's trying etc? Because you can and should tell him how much certain things work for you, so he can do them again! If the actions etc are much the same and the difference is just in energy level then that's quite natural I think.

Yes this is really important. Those two scenarios are hugely different but I've seen the term "maintenance sex" applied to both. I think only having sex when you're at the exact same fever pitch of horniness as your partner would probably kill most couples' sex lives.

For some reason I thought of the lego on our playroom floor or our cat's catnip mice.

No I didn’t; I used he as a reply to the poster about why HER BF might not always be great in bed -

Did you miss the bit where I said "There's no double standard on my part, merely a misread."

I misread your post.

If you think the everything you have together isn't worth sex once a week

That "sex once a week", for a woman, means a weekly invasion of her body with attendant risks of pregnancy, injury, thrush, bacterial vaginosis, and cystitis.

I ask what kind of man makes keeping "everything you have together" conditional upon his wife taking those risks weekly?

It's not conditional, but you can't pick and choose all the benefits of been in a relationship and opt out of the other parts you can't be bothered with. It's all or nothing. Like the expectation of your partner not to cheat for instance or not pay towards bills or share household chores.

Some women do actually like sex and want to maintain the emotional and physical intimacy that they have in the relationship, instead of viewing it as currency in a perfunctionary domestic transaction.

I fancy the pants off my DP, and sometimes while I might be tired or not immediately in the mood, as soon as he gets close and kisses me or nuzzles his face into my neck I crave him, and it’s like my troubles and fatigue melt away. Sex sometimes feels like a remedy or a restorative practice.

The woman i got engaged too was like this, we never fought she never ever said said I can't be bothered I was really happy in the relationship so we got engaged. Now I wouldn't even date her.

For a man having sex masks all the other small issues in a relationship, I'd rather be in bad relationship with sex than a good one without.

If your saying I can't be bothered to me it says I can't be bothered with the relationship and I'm not investing anything into it.

Even if she said I can't be bothered now but we can at the weekend or tomorrow or next week I'd be fine with that. Instead it's I can't be bothered and if you ask me next week I still won't be bothered an be annoyed you asked. Also dont try it on in bed or ask me but please keep upto all the other parts of the relationship.

Then I think what's the point in me investing and doing more in the relationship when she can just say I'm not bothered.

Are you seriously here to try and pretend coercive sex is ok? Fuck off with you.

OP, maybe some encouragement would help? Talk to him!

you can't pick and choose all the benefits of been in a relationship and opt out of the other parts you can't be bothered with

In other words, it is conditional.

And you think that sex is like a household chore. I have no words.

I didn't say that some women don't like it. I said that it comes with risks.

Some people like rock climbing. That doesn't make me wrong for highlighting the risk of falling to your death in a conversation about why some people don't like it.

I highly doubt he’d feel a duty to still do 50% of the house work if he was ill (although I highly doubt he’d do 50% at any other time either frankly).

Entitled men like you why I have given up with dating.

Watch out all, wmale has pm’d me asking to chat. I’ve blocked.

Eww, what a creep.

It wasn't for anything creepy just for advice! Thanks for the prejudice

Sure it was mate, and that’s why you couldn’t post it here, publicly, on an ADVICE forum.