Good sex / bad sex

[Molly2008]

How normal is it to find a partner who can be amazing in bed occasionally but is mostly ok?

I've dated consistently good and consistently ok. But this new guy has moments of brilliance and then lots of ok.

So it got me thinking what's "normal"?!

I'm also not sure why you would want to have sex with someone doing it out of a sense of duty or quid pro quo

This. I cannot think of a bigger bonerkiller than realising that the other person isn't actually interested.

She just says she never feels in the mood and she just isn't bothered by it. If I ask her do you want things to to get better she just says she doesn't miss it so isn't bothered.

It's hard to talk about it without her feeling pressured so that's as far as it goes. She still speaks about getting married though so I just don't get it. I just feel totally rejected like she's pushing me away and it makes small things I don't like in our relationship feel like big things and I can't plan for our future with our house, finances etc because I don't know if we will be together.

You seem to view sex as transactional and expected, for me that would be a huge turn off.

Also this.

My vagina has slammed shut just from reading @Wmale's entitled attitude towards sex, never mind having to face it in real life.

Women are a lot more likely to say yes when they don't feel pressured into it.

When we were TTC it was a case of get it over with as fast as you can 90% of the time

She's already said don't try it on in bed I respect that.

For a lot of women, it hurts for the man to go on too long. I spend a week on antibiotics to treat the resulting cystitis if he goes on too long.

The clitoris is where the party is at for women. Women who orgasm during penetration do so because the clitoris is being stimulated in the process, not because of the vaginal sensations. The vagina is a mucus membrane and is quite fragile. Rub hard at the inside of your cheek for half-an-hour with your thumb and feel how sore it is, then you might understand.

I feel like I give this advice out a lot on this forum, but it sounds like you both could do with some couples therapy. It comes across like (and this may be out of awareness) a power struggle. She doesn’t feel secure enough to have sex due to a lack of stability, marriage etc. And you are unsure about committing further without the prospect of sex. Your relationship will be very tough if these subconscious processes are not being brought to the surface. I think reaching out for help would be the first step. Of course this needs to be a mutual decision.

Were engaged and she still talks about getting married though.

Yeah, but she still feels pressured at other times.

I always make she has her fun first when we actually do have sex.

That is a good thing. The best lover I had understood that PIV wasn't on the table at all and was accepting of alternative options for getting him off.

Precisely and as you’ve said you’re now unsure about marriage because of your sex life. Do you think she too may feel some rejection because you cannot move forward? I’m not suggesting there is a hierarchy of needs here, but you both may be sitting with a big feeling of rejection, unable to communicate effectively because of it.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia
"The decades of her supporting his career by raising his kids and doing the housework all means nothing to him."

While I agree with the idea of your post, I think you've massively oversimplified it here. You make it sound like raising kids is a favour to him. You're making it sound like he's dumped you because he's no longer getting sex, and he's taken advantage of all your time and uterus etc. They're your kids too, and isn't housework part of giving them a safe, secure and clean environment?

I actually would argue you've got the better end of the stick. If you had a choice, wouldn't you choose to spend time with your kids rather than work? Or to turn it around, would you be happy going out to work while he stayed at home looking after the kids?

I'm pretty sure most men would kill to stay at home to spend time with the kids rather than working...

There’s is no need to do it. Many women here have been sent unwanted PMs on the back of threads discussing sex. The etiquette is, you ask on the thread if you want to send someone a PM. In this case, there was no need anyway.

All of your posts are on threads regarding sex.

Hanging around only threads about sex on the sex board/relationships board and PMing women is creepy. From your posts here and on other threads, and the fact that you are hanging around the sex and relationship boards on a mainly women’s forum, it’s easy to see why your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you.

I'm childfree, never married, and I work full-time because I'll never put myself at risk of financial or any other form of abuse by trusting a man to support me. This doesn't stop me from empathising with the woman who has sacrificed her career and become financially vulnerable in the process to raise jointly-parented kids whilst he maintains his career and financial independence, only to be dumped when she needs his support the most after a cancer diagnosis.

It's very clear that the men who act like this see women as housework appliances and sex toys, to be binned and replaced when we break down the same as you would a vacuum cleaner.

Am I the only person who thinks:

Amazing chemistry = amazing sex

No chemistry = bad sex

The ins and outs (as it were) aren’t important. I mean, there are only so many different things you can do surely? Very basic sex can be brilliant with the right person.

Because I'm trying to understand and trying not to break up a family unit? My current situation is something I want to resolve I came here for advice. My pm said hey ok if we pm nothing pervy or creepy.

I don’t believe your intentions are genuine. I also think you’ve posted in other usernames about your situation where your attitude towards your partner was awful. I could be wrong but I think some of the language you use gives you away.

Anyway, not interested. You made a someone feel uncomfortable. Stop PMing without permission. Mumsnet has a warning at the top of the sex board about no unwanted PMs, maybe they need that warning here well because there’s an increasing number of blokes that jump straight on threads about sex and say/act inappropriately on this board too.

All I said was hey can we pm please that's it is that enough for a reasonable person to feel uncomfortable?

Are you actually telling women what they can feel uncomfortable with? What a surprise.

No I said person. How can anyone be offended by hey do you mind if we pm?

Ask if you can PM before you PM.

You don't walk into someone's house then ask "Can I come in?"

Ffs. Just ask on the thread if you feel you have to.

Many women don’t want ANY PMs from random men. Accept that.

You’re doing yourself no favours to be insinuating that the poster is unreasonable because she doesn’t want ANY PMs from you. You are the problem, not the other poster.

Listen to others here, apologise and learn from it. Decent men would not PM without permission and would certainly learn if they made that mistake. Then there’s you, continuing to say you were right and insinuating that’s she is unreasonable. It says it all really.

Start your own thread instead of pm-ing random posters or posting on various threads about sex, derailing them in order to talk about yourself. Why do you only post on threads about sex (and Hooters)?