Anyone ever pulled out of going on holiday with your in-laws... experiences please!

[edinburghvibes]

I originally wrote this trying to be totally not-outing, but have probably failed!

I've made the decision not to go on an upcoming holiday with my in-laws in a few weeks (parents in law + sister in law and her family going as well as us, so there's a lot of people going). DH is still planning to go with our young children as far as I know.

My relationship with my SiL significantly deteriorated late last year. We had a big 'falling out' that was really horrible. I've seen her a couple of times since this at family gatherings, only for a few hours each time and still found it really hard to be around her. Hard not to go into loads of details but also don't want to overshare. Suffice to say this person said some absolutely vile things to me and after DH asked her to apologise she chose to continue to attack me instead. She only offered me an apology when DH became angry towards her (very unlike him). She was then quick to tell me it's all my fault as soon as my DH wasn't there, so he thinks I've had a genuine apology but I don't view it the same way. His family's way of managing conflict is that I need to forget and forgive and pretend everything is ok. It doesn't help that on these two occasions I've seen her I haven't felt supported by DH, likely as he's part of the family who doesn't handle conflict well so also just wants me to accept being treated as I have been and just go back to being happy families.

This holiday was literally booked a week after the 'fall out' had occurred and I had said to DH at the time he was asked to confirm our availability that I wouldn't be going. I think he hoped my feelings would change as it's been a few months now but it still feels like this holiday is too much, too soon for me. Relevant information might also be that this holiday location is a field, where there's no phone signal, wifi, or any amenities accessible on foot within a 3 mile radius so feels like if I went and things got bad and I needed space it would be very hard for me to get it. I've told DH my decision and he's said he wants me to come but appreciates he can't force me to.

Purely from the perspective of my wellbeing I know it's the right move to not go. I've really tried to gear myself to go and adopt strategies to help me manage it all, but I end up feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and feel really low at the thought of it. I'm also a people pleaser by nature, so naturally feel uneasy in putting myself first in that I worry DH will struggle with the kids away from home and also that my DCs may miss me (although less worried about this in some ways as I know they'll have a great time with their cousins and grandparents). If anything I'm more worried about them just seeing me very tense and upset while it's meant to be a fun family holiday for everyone. I had to go and cry in the toilet several times we were all around her last time. I find it really draining having to "act" normal and happy all the time we're together now).

Can I ask if anyone else here has made the choice not to go on a holiday under similar circumstances (i.e. poor relationships with in-laws!) and whether on reflection it was the right choice? Happy to hear any experiences - whether it was the right choice or people regretted it.

Thanks all and an additional thank you for reading that essay. 😅

Thanks everyone. It doesn't feel too great right now to be honest, but as low as I feel about it all right now that's still significantly better than how I would feel if I was going.

@Secondguess Thankfully our kids are still too young to really be aware of it all and I'm very conscious of keeping them out of it as much as I can. They think I'm not coming this time as I'm working (which is usually true and I would have needed to take time off to go). SiL has apparently said to DH she's really sad that I'm not going as she was hoping this trip would be a booster for our relationship. The whole situation has rather painted me out to be the difficult one. But as you said if one of my siblings had spoken like that to DH I'd be fully supportive of him not having to be around them again. Maybe if I'm being brutally honest it hurts that he seems to struggle to understand why I don't want a relationship with SiL going forward after she literally told me (amongst other things) that my feelings and opinions aren't important and I have no place sharing them in DH's family. That's not healthy and not a relationship dynamic I want any part of.

@Secondguess sorry, to also answer your Q I don't truthfully know. I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd either said I was unwell or given a much diluted version of my reasoning, but I guess I'll never know! He's spent months telling me he didn't want me reaching out to tell his parents as he felt it best to come from him, but then he ended up telling me at the last minute he didn't want to be involved in the conversation at all. (Which I fully understand and respect, but equally wish he'd just been ok with me being open about this when the holiday was being booked. Would have saved me having to do a solo 'shock announcement' at the last minute, in a situation where I already felt quite vulnerable).

I actually think your husband has been quite unreasonable pulling this last minute 180. As you acknowledge, this has led to increased stress for you with it hanging overhead for months and then heaping the last minute stress of informing your in laws of your non attendance on you. This will inevitably have contributed drama that you wanted to minimise. So I don't think you do need to respect him on this and I would be expecting a sincere apology.

I think you have absolutely made the right decision not to attend though OP and I hope you can begin to feel better about your decision.

Your SIL's comment about wanting to booster your relationship shows that she is on a totally different page to you, and I agree that addressing this in a field with no escape is unlikely to go well.

I forgot to add, I know this has been a hard decision for you, but I think you have been very brave and confronted the problem in a polite but firm manner with your in laws

SiL has apparently said to DH she's really sad that I'm not going as she was hoping this trip would be a booster for our relationship
If she truly wanted this, she would have tried to make amends to you before the trip away, and then if that went well, the time away would cement your relationship.
She has made no effort to apologise or see she was being unreasonable to you, she just wants you somewhere where you can't get away, and then be made to feel like an outsider. As you said previously, how you are dealing with this isn't the way the family do things, and as the family haven't said anything to her with regards to her behaviour, she will feel she is still very much in their favour.
If your dh is still going with your children, I was would ask him to stand up for you should SIL say anything against you, or anything negative to your children about you. I would reiterate to him that she withdrew her apology so she can't use that against you.
I hope you enjoy the plans you have made during that weekend they are away.

My exes family constantly tried to force me into trips and holidays with them.

It's my idea of hell personally. I just said I couldn't deal with a large group like that. I never went.

I think my ex resented it after a while as he didn't think I made enough effort with his family. I didn't care to be honest, I can't stand families who pressure you into anything. It's completely wrong and I'm an adult who can make my own decisions.

He's spent months telling me he didn't want me reaching out to tell his parents as he felt it best to come from him, but then he ended up telling me at the last minute he didn't want to be involved in the conversation at all.

Your DH expected you to cave in to suit him and his family and go on this holiday and just pretend everything was fine and forgotten. He was trying the old delay it until the very last minute and then you cannot possibly back out now, it's too late routine. Well done for standing firm and not just going along OP, but to be honest in your shoes my opinion of DH would be considering how often he puts others wants over your needs. Does this man really have your back.

i too think that you have dealt with this admirably @edinburghvibes

You said this: I think he just wants me to forgive and forget for the sake of maintaining a happy family facade, and I wish I could do it for his sake

Your H wants you to forgive and forget to make HIS life easier. Pure and simple.

He is focusing on himself.

He SHOULD be standing behind you and saying to anyone and everyone, "My DW has decided not to attend this gathering because of the treatment she has been repeatedly on the end of. She's not stamping her feet for attention, far from it, she is putting her foot down about her boundaries and we as a family need to understand that and respect it. There is no drama, no kicking off, shes just choosing not to attend." but he won't.

You do need to communicate to him @edinburghvibes that while you are choosing not to attend this and allowing him to do so - with the kids, that you DO feel that he has not had your back in this and that he too needs to think about his priorities.

Thank you for saying this. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being oversensitive or stubborn as opposed to brave, but I think it's probably more than I'm terrible at putting myself first so really struggle with doing it when I know it hurts DH to do so. Your words have helped me feel better about doing so, thank you.

The next time you do have to meet up with her I'd recommend starting a voice note on your phone as you step in the door and leave it running until you leave. That way, when Dh leaves the room Dh can't refute evidence.

@Dontbeme I definitely wondered this same thing and have asked him openly if he was hoping I'd change my mind. He says he never expected me to but wanted to leave it to the last minute to minimise the time his family was left hurting from my decision. I really do love him and his motivations are good at the root of it (ie wanting people he cares about to be happy/ not hurt)... But I do agree that at times it's felt like my needs aren't the priority here. But then I'm not sure that I believe my needs should automatically trump his family's either, maybe I wish there was more middle ground / that it was 'safe' to have disagreements in his family and to work through them. It definitely isn't.

@forrestgreen She won't say anything to me at this point that isn't part of the happy family charade. I feel very short-changed by the whole thing as she's attacked me repeatedly even when I offered an apology if I'd hurt her feelings (via message so DH has seen all of that, including when I apologised to try and make peace and her response was that she accepted my apology but had nothing to apologise for herself. And then further attacked me.) She's been very clear that I don't have the right to say anything in his family (so silenced me from the off), but gave DH the full blown apologetic, vulnerable conversation that she refuses to have with me... so I'm left having to sit with no resolution and only feeling hurt and silenced, with DH feeling that I've mis-characterised his sister and we need to be chummy again.

Sorry, that was a proper rant there! I just need the holiday to be done with and then I can go back to tolerating being around her once in a blue moon. 🤦🏻‍♀️ And maybe find a way to gently communicate my feelings of being let down with DH.

I do think you need to reiterate what SIL maintains that your thoughts or feelings do not matter hence she isn't someone you want to spend time as she clearly thinks you have no value as a human being let alone a member of the wider family.

You need to be clear with the PILs too about what she has said and never apologised for.

@RandomMess This is definitely where I sit with it. Lots more was said that I won't share here, but I truly don't think I can ever view her the same way again after how she spoke to me and the things she said about me. I've known her for 10 years, she was one of only three bridesmaids at our wedding. So knowing how she truly sees me was bloody painful.

I haven't told PiLs any of what she's said to me. They know she can be difficult as it were, but I would feel disrespectful essentially bad-mouthing their own daughter to them if that makes sense. MiL is disappointed but accepting on a surface level, so I'm grateful for that. I think if she was to start being unaccepting then I'd reconsider sharing some of the content with them to help them understand my position better.

Your husband has been pathetic and crap OP, with his head buried so far in the sand that he's halfway to Australia. The family narrative for him and probably all the rest of them will now be that you're the problem, as you've said. The fact that he seems fully on board with that narrative is sad and says nothing positive about him.

Your DH sounds useless and borderline abusive tbh as he's sitting back and allowing this bullying

Just clarifying that DH has definitely let me down in some of this and I'm not saying he's perfect (who is!)... But he is also very caring and kind. I truly believe he is doing the best he can to navigate this situation, given that he's been brought up in a family where he's been taught it's not ok or safe to talk about feelings, to communicate anything that goes against the family grain and the most important thing is maintaining status quo and a surface happy family. Clearly by asserting my boundaries I've well and truly rocked the boat and I get that this feels very uncomfortable for DH.

I appreciate the concern and as I say, I do feel frustrated by some of his choices and tenancy to avoid. Just to be clear and reassure, DH is not abusive in any way and I'd reflect that on mumsnet threads we tend to only get a snippet of what's going on or who a person is. 😊

I don't even think SiL is bullying to be honest. I think she's clearly got her own mental health issues and has decided to behave very aggressively towards me, with little to no accountability for it afterwards. Not ok, but not bullying if that makes sense? I was bullied as a child but this feels different. Just not somone I wish to be around or spend time with anymore!

@edinburghvibes

Your DH expected you to cave in to suit him and his family and go on this holiday and just pretend everything was fine and forgotten. He was trying the old delay it until the very last minute and then you cannot possibly back out now, it's too late routine.

I agree with this. Next time (and I'm sure there will be a next time) I'd speak out loud and clear - in your timeframe, not his - that you won't be attending the next family trial holiday and take your control back from your husband who was trying to manipulate you. 🌹

Your Dh needs therapy frankly. His inertia when it comes to his family and you in particular hurts him as well as you. He’s been trained to not be a boat rocker but a further boat steadier.

Why are you subjecting your kids to people like this?.

If a relative is too toxic or otherwise too difficult for you to deal with, it’s the same deal for the kids too. You all need to stay away from such people like his sister and the enablers that are these other family members.

And I would not blame Mh issues re his sister, I’d be instead looking along the lines of she potentially having some form of untreated and untreatable personality disorder.