Anyone ever pulled out of going on holiday with your in-laws... experiences please!

[edinburghvibes]

I originally wrote this trying to be totally not-outing, but have probably failed!

I've made the decision not to go on an upcoming holiday with my in-laws in a few weeks (parents in law + sister in law and her family going as well as us, so there's a lot of people going). DH is still planning to go with our young children as far as I know.

My relationship with my SiL significantly deteriorated late last year. We had a big 'falling out' that was really horrible. I've seen her a couple of times since this at family gatherings, only for a few hours each time and still found it really hard to be around her. Hard not to go into loads of details but also don't want to overshare. Suffice to say this person said some absolutely vile things to me and after DH asked her to apologise she chose to continue to attack me instead. She only offered me an apology when DH became angry towards her (very unlike him). She was then quick to tell me it's all my fault as soon as my DH wasn't there, so he thinks I've had a genuine apology but I don't view it the same way. His family's way of managing conflict is that I need to forget and forgive and pretend everything is ok. It doesn't help that on these two occasions I've seen her I haven't felt supported by DH, likely as he's part of the family who doesn't handle conflict well so also just wants me to accept being treated as I have been and just go back to being happy families.

This holiday was literally booked a week after the 'fall out' had occurred and I had said to DH at the time he was asked to confirm our availability that I wouldn't be going. I think he hoped my feelings would change as it's been a few months now but it still feels like this holiday is too much, too soon for me. Relevant information might also be that this holiday location is a field, where there's no phone signal, wifi, or any amenities accessible on foot within a 3 mile radius so feels like if I went and things got bad and I needed space it would be very hard for me to get it. I've told DH my decision and he's said he wants me to come but appreciates he can't force me to.

Purely from the perspective of my wellbeing I know it's the right move to not go. I've really tried to gear myself to go and adopt strategies to help me manage it all, but I end up feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and feel really low at the thought of it. I'm also a people pleaser by nature, so naturally feel uneasy in putting myself first in that I worry DH will struggle with the kids away from home and also that my DCs may miss me (although less worried about this in some ways as I know they'll have a great time with their cousins and grandparents). If anything I'm more worried about them just seeing me very tense and upset while it's meant to be a fun family holiday for everyone. I had to go and cry in the toilet several times we were all around her last time. I find it really draining having to "act" normal and happy all the time we're together now).

Can I ask if anyone else here has made the choice not to go on a holiday under similar circumstances (i.e. poor relationships with in-laws!) and whether on reflection it was the right choice? Happy to hear any experiences - whether it was the right choice or people regretted it.

Thanks all and an additional thank you for reading that essay. 😅

Hi OP,

I haven't read the whole thread, but have read all your posts.

I was in this situation 8 years ago and took the same route out.

I'm sorry to say that it did not go well. DH couldn't explain to them what the problem was. The family labelled me as having anxiety problems which then progressed to being labelled as mental health problems. Unfortunately it got so horrible that I did develop anxiety-related health problems, which made it much harder to argue that they were wrong.

I ended up in hospital seriously unwell, and finally had to have it out with the ILs. Finally DH took my side and stood up to the family.

It ended up with a massive bust-up so that now the whole extended family is not speaking to our family.

On reflection, I think it would have saved trouble if I had just called my IL a rude, self-absorbed knob to his/her face at the time and got it all off my chest.

I appreciate this may not be advice that it is easy to act on. Good luck.

Haven’t read this all but a few things:

• I wouldn’t have ‘agreed’ to dh taking the children on this holiday a week after the fall out. No way.
• i would still go because you shouldn’t get pushed out of your children’s lives.
• id make it clear to your dh that it’s the last time and he needs to stand up for you in future and put distance between your family and his toxic extended family. Time to grow up and look out for his own wife and kids.

Very much laughed out loud at your username @YesThatsATurdOnTheRug. As a dog owner, I've been there! 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

Outing possibly, but I do believe relevant context: It's a hard one to convey to people who don't know us in real life, but in DH's family there are 3 options if someone upsets you: 1) Say nothing, don't share your feelings. 2) Have a massive row and then everyone pretends nothing happened (but with no calm conversation to actually unpick or resolve the upset) or 3) Cut them out of your life completely and forbid others in the family from speaking to that person too.

So for DH my approach is completely unfamiliar and rocks the boat within his family. I tried to adopt the calmly talking with SiL to resolve it in the early stages and this request to talk it through was met with her telling me (verbatim) that she doesn't care about anything I have to say or feel, that I'm not entitled to express my opinions or feelings within DH's family and I clearly have ulterior motives in doing so. From that point on I stopped engaging with her, despite further messages, a word document and a letter of her own personal opinions and thoughts thrown at me. All with the clear underpinning that I wasn't entitled to say anything back, so I didn't bother.

Where I've further rocked the boat now is that I've not pretended to forgive or genuinely forgiven her. I've also not cut out all contact for her between me and our children... So I don't think DH really knows how to handle the situation because this has never happened in his family narrative before. By just calmly stating my boundaries of what I will and won't accept in relationships with his family I've very much gone off script.

If my dh continues a relationship with somebody who spoke to me the way she did id be cutting him loose too/

I think you need to stand up for yourself! Why are you putting up with this? I wouldn’t be letting my kids anywhere near these people

@SpringingAlong Thank you for sharing your experience, I'm sorry it's been so hard and horrible. I've definitely been labelled by SiL as "fragile" and oversensitive, which frankly just gives me the rage. I'm not either. My MiL has tried to support me as best she can, which I appreciate, whilst also telling me that the lesson to learn here is this is why we don't share our feelings... 🤦🏻‍♀️

I worry that if I do go I'll end up as you describe - anxious and very low in mood. I don't want my children to see that. I don't want to dictate whether they have a relationship with her or their cousins. But I also don't want to model to them that you should be around people who treat you badly just for the sake of others.

You’re doing the right thing, I did this but not with my in laws, with my own family. Sister used to organise big family gatherings. She’s not toxic. But whenever we got there the family dynamics would play out with a few people and I’d end up being blamed for stuff I didn’t even do as I was the family scapegoat’. First two I didn’t attend my husband went alone with the small kids but now knows how ridiculous that was and now we just don’t get involved. It’s such a shame but as he keeps telling me ‘you didn’t cause this’ he now sees them
for who they are but he didn’t used to and he also used to blame me. Until I kept pointing it out ‘okay so how would you feel
if your dad said that’ etc. eventually he got it

I wouldn't go. I value my holidays and would never agree to go with people I can't relax with families or not. I think your husband is being really selfish and putting his extended family's wishes above yours. Holidays aren't meant to be ordeals. I don't understand why so many people go on extended family holidays. I'm quite introverted so wouldn't want to have to be sociable all the time either.

@2Rebecca I agree that extended family holidays are a lot, I even found them exhausting with my family who I get on with really well and love dearly! 😅

Personally I really don't view DH as selfish for wanting to go on holiday with his own family. I understand why he is worried about his parents feeling upset because I'm not going (I'd feel the same in his shoes), but I agree in this not telling them he's putting their potential emotional reactions above my feelings that he is very much aware of.

I think he just wants me to forgive and forget for the sake of maintaining a happy family facade, and I wish I could do it for his sake.

I have a bit of experience of going nc with an in-law. I missed a few meals and get togethers but never a holiday.

It was the right thing for me and I always encouraged dh to take the kids so that his other family members didn't miss out. No cousins on that side though.

If the shoe were on the other foot, I would never, in a million years, put pressure on dh to go on a family holiday with my side. My side has all the cousins but I would still put him first.

Stick to your guns. Someone has to look out for you. I'm just sorry it's not your dh. Maybe forward him the messages to jog his memory.

I think you're right to decline and for your dh and dc to go. This might give sil a wake up call now you've drawn your line in the sand. You married your dh not his family. Protect your peace and enjoy the time alone. What they may or may not say is on them and says a lot about them as people not you.

Thanks @WildFlowerBees. Definitely what I need to hear. DH is still saying he doesn't want to tell his family until the last minute as this will 'tear them apart'. It's making me feel rather preoccupied by it all as I'd rather just let them know and be done with it. Your words all made sense to me though and I'm trying to hang onto them and not consider buckling (which I suspect in part is why DH isn't saying anything, as he hopes I will change my mind and go).

Make some lovely plans and tell dh, while you're away with the dc I'm going to start my new book/ finish doing x/go swimming whatever you fancy but that will let him know you have no intentions of changing your mind.

Also your dh is trying to make you feel guilty and manipulate you by saying 'it'll tear them apart' tell him to give over, storm in a teacup it's no big deal and he's more than capable of holding his own against his family. Then draw a line under it and get planning some lovely days to yourself!

Why are you letting your DC go on a holiday with the ILs where you won't be and it doesn't sound like your DH has your back? The damage they could cause is extraordinary!

Dh, the reason I can’t go is you haven’t supported me. I’ve been clear I’ve been distressed and you’ve ignored it to keep the peace. There will never be a holiday until you’ve proven you can do that on a much shorter exposure. Call your parents, tell them you have fucked up as a husband to protect your wife from your frankly fucking toxic sister and I will not ever be on a holiday until you’ve stepped up as a husband.

that seems to sum it up. Why should you keep trying when he keeps failing? He needs to demonstrate being supportive in a much safer situation than 3 days in a field with no out.

Keep strong.

It's better all round if you don't go - I stopped going after an incident where we all exchanged robust views about each other and honestly that is worse.

Your DH will keep putting pressure on you because they want to play happy families. Try to just grey rock him, or say on repeat that you just feel it is better if you don't go.

Them being " torn apart" sounds overly melodramatic. He has forgotten they are your inlaws. If any inlaw or even member of my family chose not to go on holiday with me I'd accept it. If I liked them I'd be disappointed but my holiday enjoyment doesn't depend on having a large entourage. Is he always this melodramatic?

Also here you told your husband when the holiday was planned that you wouldn't be going. He could have said then that it would just be him and the children. Who pays for it is irrelevant as you said all along you wouldn't be going, your husband has just been too passive to tell people. Holidays paid for by other people are a poisoned chalice

The problem with asking for advice without giving details or what the opposition perspective is is that everyone just agrees that you are doing the right thing and nobody is able to gently suggest that you should do things differently.

Aside from that. It’s your DHs family, their holiday, he is supporting you (mostly) about not going. Therefore let him deal with it how he wants. If he doesn’t want to tell them and just turn up without you, so be it. He’ll have to deal with the fallout when he gets there anyway. I suspect he’s considering arriving without you and telling them you are ill.

They'll be more upset if they only find out at the last minute! Tell them yourself OP, if that's your decision.

How old are your DC? I am worried on your behalf that the ILs will talk about you a lot when you're not there and that the general vibe will be how awful you are. Your kids will inevitably pick up on that and will at least be confused and at worst absorb the attitude (this is their family by blood after all, and they will want to fit in with it).

I'm not trying to put you off your decision, but I think I'd do it differently. I'd be planning to turn up and grimly stand my ground in person, so no-one can say you backed out at the last minute. I'd also tell them that you as a family are never attending a holiday with SIL again tbf (so they don't waste their money) but I think I'd show up to this one.

Forgot to say - good luck however you play it.

Do you think your DH might chicken out of telling them the real reason and try to make out you're ill instead to soften the blow?

I don’t think their world war 3 is your responsibility.mYou don’t have to go and you don’t have to carry their anxieties. Their feelings about you not going are not your burden. Really he should tell them you don’t want to go.

If you want an easy way round it though, just have him tell them you’re ill and can’t go.

Agree with PP - last minute illness means you can’t go. Tell DP that on this occasion he can tell them you’re not well but that if he ever agrees to an extended family holiday again and then you won’t be going and you will be telling them why.

Your DH is avoiding and hoping you’ll be guilt tripped into a change of mind to save him from the embarrassment of not playing happy families. I have in-laws with a ”head in the sand, nothing to see here” mentality ref their sometimes appaling behaviour. I have panicked the hell out of of my DH with my refusal to play ball and annoyed the in-laws with my non conformity. So be it. They either get over that or they don’t, they are so dreadful at keeping in touch with each other it makes no odds to me for the once or twice a year I see them or not. I have bailed on a few in law trips, always happy for the kids to visit their relatives and a few days peace and quiet for me 👍

You never agreed to go, you have said you wouldn't go, and you don't want to go.

All this handwringing about "should I go?"

Of course not! You all sound really involved in each other's lives, voice notes and messages etc, it's not something I can relate to but can you not just cool it a bit? I don't go on holiday with extended family even though I love them, it's just not my kind of thing. It's not a requirement for a happy family!