Anyone ever pulled out of going on holiday with your in-laws... experiences please!

[edinburghvibes]

I originally wrote this trying to be totally not-outing, but have probably failed!

I've made the decision not to go on an upcoming holiday with my in-laws in a few weeks (parents in law + sister in law and her family going as well as us, so there's a lot of people going). DH is still planning to go with our young children as far as I know.

My relationship with my SiL significantly deteriorated late last year. We had a big 'falling out' that was really horrible. I've seen her a couple of times since this at family gatherings, only for a few hours each time and still found it really hard to be around her. Hard not to go into loads of details but also don't want to overshare. Suffice to say this person said some absolutely vile things to me and after DH asked her to apologise she chose to continue to attack me instead. She only offered me an apology when DH became angry towards her (very unlike him). She was then quick to tell me it's all my fault as soon as my DH wasn't there, so he thinks I've had a genuine apology but I don't view it the same way. His family's way of managing conflict is that I need to forget and forgive and pretend everything is ok. It doesn't help that on these two occasions I've seen her I haven't felt supported by DH, likely as he's part of the family who doesn't handle conflict well so also just wants me to accept being treated as I have been and just go back to being happy families.

This holiday was literally booked a week after the 'fall out' had occurred and I had said to DH at the time he was asked to confirm our availability that I wouldn't be going. I think he hoped my feelings would change as it's been a few months now but it still feels like this holiday is too much, too soon for me. Relevant information might also be that this holiday location is a field, where there's no phone signal, wifi, or any amenities accessible on foot within a 3 mile radius so feels like if I went and things got bad and I needed space it would be very hard for me to get it. I've told DH my decision and he's said he wants me to come but appreciates he can't force me to.

Purely from the perspective of my wellbeing I know it's the right move to not go. I've really tried to gear myself to go and adopt strategies to help me manage it all, but I end up feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and feel really low at the thought of it. I'm also a people pleaser by nature, so naturally feel uneasy in putting myself first in that I worry DH will struggle with the kids away from home and also that my DCs may miss me (although less worried about this in some ways as I know they'll have a great time with their cousins and grandparents). If anything I'm more worried about them just seeing me very tense and upset while it's meant to be a fun family holiday for everyone. I had to go and cry in the toilet several times we were all around her last time. I find it really draining having to "act" normal and happy all the time we're together now).

Can I ask if anyone else here has made the choice not to go on a holiday under similar circumstances (i.e. poor relationships with in-laws!) and whether on reflection it was the right choice? Happy to hear any experiences - whether it was the right choice or people regretted it.

Thanks all and an additional thank you for reading that essay. 😅

On this occasion as its prepaid I'd let DH take the kids if he wants. But I'd be wary of that setting some kind of precedence that he can just take the kids to any inlaw event without you and they/she can have unfettered access to your kids. That could turn out bad for the kids especially if they are still young.

Thanks again so much everyone. I'm feeling much more at peace with my decision thanks to you all sharing your experiences and opinions.

@LittleOwl153 I completely get what you're saying. She's revealed some opinions to me that I find thoroughly offensive and abhorrent, definitely wouldn't want those views being trickled down to my kids in any way. On the other hand they only see her five or six timesa year and I'm currently still willing to go to family events at my PiLs around her, so there's a protective element to that I hope.

I would go, you know you will be judged for not going. I wouldn't let my DCs go without me and hear the negative comments.. Tell your DH you expect to be respected and you expect him to support you. Don't let them force you out, that's letting them win.

You’re right not to go. It’s not good for you to force yourself to be in company with anyone who’s been awful toward you. Every people-pleaser has their limits - they’re needed because they keep you safe.

Totally this: 100%.

It's shit, but I've learned as I've aged that only you can manage your sense of self preservation.

Thanks for this @Bumblebeeinatree, it's really interesting to consider it from this angle. Maybe incorrectly, I believe they want me to go (to continue the "everyone's happy" illusion). So I don't feel forced out at all, I suppose conversely I feel like this is me taking control of the situation and doing right by me rather than what is expected of me if that makes sense?

OP like you the big family holidays have been paid for by the in-laws. They think going away together will be great for family relations and to show their friends and wider extended family what a close knit family they are! It’s a farce and I don’t take part in it now.

I gave it one last chance and said I’d go with them all and it was a disaster. It highlighted to me even more why I hate going. Now we don’t join them and I dont spend weeks in the run up stressed and arguing with my DH.

Was feeling much better but having a bit of a wobble.

Upcoming holiday came up in conversation yesterday so I asked DH when he thinks we need to tell his family that I won't be going. To me it would be basic manners to tell my PiLs at some stage rather than literally just not show up on the day!? DG was open in his avoidance of telling them (I'm 'happy' to tell his parents myself but he doesn't seem keen). He said he's putting it off to spare his family the pain my decision not to go will cause. He says this will really upset all of them, including my SiL and that the whole holiday will now just be them asking him what's going on as they think everything's fine now. I can genuinely believe that PiLs may be disappointed, I suspect any upset SiL would feel would centre more around how this reflects on her. To some degree DH surprised me in also acting like it's come as a surprise to him that I still don't want to be around SiL and go back to how it was before. I know he just desperately wants everything to be ok again, but to be honest after what she said to me and her lack of accountability I don't believe I can ever view her the same way again. If anything I feel like from that falling out I saw exactly who she is for the first time. And it's not someone I'd keep in my life a second longer were she not an in-law.

So now I'm back to wobbling. I still believe hand on my heart it's not in my best interests to go, but then if it creates WW3 between me and them all then is the hurt it will cause my DH worth it? I'm also worried now about the impact this will have on my and DH's relationship. We can't both be happy - I hurt him if I don't go but if I force myself to go for his benefit I'll realistically resent him for it. Urghhh bloody families.

@Doveytail Sorry that was your experience. I'm thinking maybe either way I use this as my cut off for family holidays with them. Thinking about it I never went on holiday with either of my sets of cousins growing up and we don't go on holiday with my parents now that we're all married with kids either.

After yet another holiday when MIL had a tantrum because we refused to plan everything around SIL's inability to parent her own kids I said to DH no more (luckily he agreed although he would go if I did). We have only been invited twice since and both times I have just said no thank you and left it at that. If pushed I WILL say that I dont want to go

I wouldn’t be going in holiday in the middle of a field even if I got on really well with my in-laws, I certainly wouldn’t t be going if there was conflict

You’re worried about hurting your husband if you don’t go but what about your hurt?
Does he care that his Sister’s vile words hurt you?
It doesn’t sound like it as he is still wanting you to go right back into the lions den so to speak.
He is not supportive at all. He would rather continue the pretence of happy families rather than actually defending his wife.
I would be furious if my husband didn’t have the balls to stick up for me when someone upsets me to the point of crying in the toilet.
Stick to your guns and don’t go.

I think when adults get together as a family they often regress to their childhood dynamic- sibling rivalry, letting one child get away with crap because that is what they are like or some other flakey reason the parents claim when really they just want a quiet life - hence sweeping conflict under the carpet.

Maybe that is what goes on with your SIL, but it doesn’t mean you have to accept it. Your DH has already got angry with her and she then slyly continued.

That’s their family dynamic, not yours and your DH has to accept that his family’s ways do not out rank yours and what you find acceptable. That’s a conversation you are going to keep having until he understands.

Don’t go on this holiday and be clear and honest with your reasons. Eventually they all might realise that your feelings are as valid as theirs.

If your children miss you to the point of being upset, your husband can bring them home. If they get spoiled with the view of stories getting back to you to upset you because their behaviour prevented you from being there and joining in, tell DH that is the last holiday they will have without you and they unless SIL grows up it will be the last holiday with with her.

Could you go for part of the week? Turn up for the last couple of nights?

Could you meet up with SiL before they go and try to sort it out ??.

@Lurkingandlearning that is exactly what this is, summed up beautifully. My family is by no means perfect (whose is!?) but we have such different ways of reacting to things and relating to eachother, so I find it really hard to be a part of DH's family narrative when I feel like I don't fit with it at all.

Would be really tricky as it's 3.5 hours away direct by car and no train station anywhere near it. DH will have the car to take him and the kids.

You’re not pulling out because you never agreed to go in the first place. Your DH had every opportunity to manage his family’s expectations and instead he’s chosen not to tell them, thereby putting pressure on you. Not your problem.

I appreciate it's hard when I haven't stated the content of what was so upsetting for me, but the reality is I don't want to. She had three clear opportunities before Christmas to apologise and each time she chose to continue to state she'd done nothing wrong and then insult me further. And even after her "apology" in front of my DH she then flippantly blamed me and MiL for it all instead. The hurtful things she said to me and the views she holds are things I would never tolerate in a friendship, I'd just calmly step away from that person and not engage with them anymore. Unfortunately that isn't an option that's open for me with her.

You'll never change your sil or her parents. I think you need to focus on your Dh

He needs to understand how you feel is the only thing that matters and that he should have your back. It seems that if there's a situation that will upset either you or them, he chooses that you will be upset, hurt etc. and that's ok with him....

If doesn't matter that he saw sil apologise, that he thinks everything should be ok, YOU think that she was exceptionally hurtful, didn't care, and didn't mean her apology. So whose opinion matters the most?

I think there's pluses and minuses to going on the holiday, if Dh promised to not leave you alone, if he promised to listen to disparaging remarks and acted on them to shut them down. Would you trust him to have your back in that situation. Or would he be quiet..

I feel for you it's awful being in this position, my story is that I have been with dh for 13 years and over those years I have bent over backwards to please my mil and fil, dh's brother is incredibly abusive and I put up with it for years.

I refuse to go now and after an initial fuss, it's not spoken about. Honestly it's your Dh's circus, his monkeys. You tried, your sil was an arse, why the hell would you go on holiday with them, it's insanity and just to please the mil and fil.

Trust your own judgement, I wish I'd put my foot down 10 years ago, it would have saved so many arguments and discussions with my dh. Honestly mine are just as bad as they were a decade ago, hasn't changed a bit despite much handwringing from my dh and me on how to deal with it and trying different strategies. Total fucking waste of my time and energy

Why?

@edinburghvibes In a field??? no thanks! I also think it is quite disloyal of your hubby to go. he should be supporting you at all costs. ok to visit his parents if sis in law is not there but definitely not if she is.

I honestly don't mind if he does go @allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld Right from when this first 'kicked off' I've always said I want him to maintain a relationship with her if he wants to. I feel I can separate that from asking him to be emotionally available to me if I'm around her (which he struggled with last time. I truly don't believe out of any ill intentions in his part, but I can see why he feels stuck with it all. After all, his relationship with her is very different than mine and she's said to him what he needed to hear to repair their relationship, so I get that). I really don't mind if he continues to have a relationship with her, just wish it was easier for his family system to support my preference to not have one myself.