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Original poster

Anyone ever pulled out of going on holiday with your in-laws... experiences please!

146 replies

edinburghvibes · 27/03/2024 14:02

I originally wrote this trying to be totally not-outing, but have probably failed!

I've made the decision not to go on an upcoming holiday with my in-laws in a few weeks (parents in law + sister in law and her family going as well as us, so there's a lot of people going). DH is still planning to go with our young children as far as I know.

My relationship with my SiL significantly deteriorated late last year. We had a big 'falling out' that was really horrible. I've seen her a couple of times since this at family gatherings, only for a few hours each time and still found it really hard to be around her. Hard not to go into loads of details but also don't want to overshare. Suffice to say this person said some absolutely vile things to me and after DH asked her to apologise she chose to continue to attack me instead. She only offered me an apology when DH became angry towards her (very unlike him). She was then quick to tell me it's all my fault as soon as my DH wasn't there, so he thinks I've had a genuine apology but I don't view it the same way. His family's way of managing conflict is that I need to forget and forgive and pretend everything is ok. It doesn't help that on these two occasions I've seen her I haven't felt supported by DH, likely as he's part of the family who doesn't handle conflict well so also just wants me to accept being treated as I have been and just go back to being happy families.

This holiday was literally booked a week after the 'fall out' had occurred and I had said to DH at the time he was asked to confirm our availability that I wouldn't be going. I think he hoped my feelings would change as it's been a few months now but it still feels like this holiday is too much, too soon for me. Relevant information might also be that this holiday location is a field, where there's no phone signal, wifi, or any amenities accessible on foot within a 3 mile radius so feels like if I went and things got bad and I needed space it would be very hard for me to get it. I've told DH my decision and he's said he wants me to come but appreciates he can't force me to.

Purely from the perspective of my wellbeing I know it's the right move to not go. I've really tried to gear myself to go and adopt strategies to help me manage it all, but I end up feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and feel really low at the thought of it. I'm also a people pleaser by nature, so naturally feel uneasy in putting myself first in that I worry DH will struggle with the kids away from home and also that my DCs may miss me (although less worried about this in some ways as I know they'll have a great time with their cousins and grandparents). If anything I'm more worried about them just seeing me very tense and upset while it's meant to be a fun family holiday for everyone. I had to go and cry in the toilet several times we were all around her last time. I find it really draining having to "act" normal and happy all the time we're together now).

Can I ask if anyone else here has made the choice not to go on a holiday under similar circumstances (i.e. poor relationships with in-laws!) and whether on reflection it was the right choice? Happy to hear any experiences - whether it was the right choice or people regretted it.

Thanks all and an additional thank you for reading that essay. 😅

OP posts:
Ivyy · 04/04/2024 09:04

Easipeelerie · 04/04/2024 08:20

I don’t think their world war 3 is your responsibility.mYou don’t have to go and you don’t have to carry their anxieties. Their feelings about you not going are not your burden. Really he should tell them you don’t want to go.

If you want an easy way round it though, just have him tell them you’re ill and can’t go.

This! Easy way out is for dh to say you're ill, I know you want him to back you up op, but I bet if he tells them the real reason you're not going, the holiday will be on a downer at best, or at worst a total shit show of emotions and negativity.

Plus, even if they don't slate you in front of the dc, I'd be concerned about the atmosphere they're bound to witness. Have you told your dc you're not going and why op? I know my dd would question me like mad and would probably only accept illness or work commitments as a reason for me not going! That's just the way she is though Grin

I know it's not what you want your dh to do, and agree he should be backing you up having no contact with sil, but maybe save that as the way forward after the holiday? I know if it was me I wouldn't want to give them the chance or satisfaction of being able to talk shit about me and paint me as the villain. For spoiling the family holiday etc and if it was my own mother (she's the toxic one in my family), she'd be slating me for not putting my dc first, labelling me as unstable etc etc. Whereas if you're simply unwell (stomach bug considering it's in a field with I imagine basic facilities!?) then there's not a lot any of them can say!

Tadpole2 · 04/04/2024 09:12

Hi op. I think it's interesting that your title says "pulled out" of a holiday, when actually you said right from the start you wouldn't be going. So you wouldn't be pulling out, you just have this situation to clear up where they haven't been told you never accepted the invitation. So it's just the in laws being informed that needs to be sorted. I think you'll feel loads better when it's out in the open.

It sounds like it's understandably really bugging you they still don't know you aren't going, and we're never going actually.. I think you need to offer your DH the choice that either he tells them in next 24hrs or so, or you will. You can be really polite and pleasant but 100% clear and not engage with any back and forth about it.

justtidying · 04/04/2024 12:28

I think you are super patient, I won't even be in the same room as my toxic SIL! I also refuse to allow my DC to be around her. DH can't do what he wants, his family and your DH sound very similar.

The best thing I did was to call out her BS, after a decade of trying to accommodate and placate.

It's been over a decade now NC now (and LC for DH), and we both agree life is a lot less dramatic!

HalebiHabibti · 06/04/2024 21:52

So what did you decide in the end OP?

Original poster
edinburghvibes · 07/04/2024 07:44

@HalebiHabibti I'm sticking with my decision not to go and have now booked a few things over the days to ensure I'm less likely to buckle. DH still not told.his parents and still doesn't want me to either. I've tried to explain I think doing this will make it more of a big dramatic thing than it needs to be. But I can't force him to say anything and can only choose to be honest with them about it myself after he has.

OP posts:
HalebiHabibti · 07/04/2024 08:01

Thanks for updating OP - good luck and I hope it works out OK.

SunflowerTed · 07/04/2024 08:10

I agree with what you’re doing. I can also see things from your husbands side. I’d respect his wishes and let him handle your absence in his own way and his own time xx

AloeVerity · 07/04/2024 08:17

What are you doing??? Don’t go and be confident in your choice. Don’t let the kids go and be around such toxicity. Expect more from your DH. Why doesn’t he have your back? Your PIL could have taken your family unit away without SIL. They chose not to. I’d tell then straight that you were never going to be in a room with SIL again, they were well aware of that and by pushing their ridiculous ‘let’s all be friends’ agenda, they’ve grossly insulted you and your perfectly legitimate feelings. Everyone else is setting their boundaries, don’t feel bad about setting yours. Mainly though - you have a DH problem.

SunflowerTed · 07/04/2024 08:29

AloeVerity · 07/04/2024 08:17

What are you doing??? Don’t go and be confident in your choice. Don’t let the kids go and be around such toxicity. Expect more from your DH. Why doesn’t he have your back? Your PIL could have taken your family unit away without SIL. They chose not to. I’d tell then straight that you were never going to be in a room with SIL again, they were well aware of that and by pushing their ridiculous ‘let’s all be friends’ agenda, they’ve grossly insulted you and your perfectly legitimate feelings. Everyone else is setting their boundaries, don’t feel bad about setting yours. Mainly though - you have a DH problem.

She’s a nice person who respects that her husband wants a relationship with his family. She hasn’t said her parents in law are toxic just that she doesn’t want to be around her sister in law after her unacceptable behaviour. ?! He has backed her but denying his children a relationship with his family is not what she wants! This is the right solution for her and he has accepted that. It is possible to compartmentalise and prevent World War 3 !

AloeVerity · 07/04/2024 08:36

@SunflowerTed - and you don’t see anything odd about this? Everyone barreling along as though she will be going on the holiday because her DH daren’t tell them no? Nothing strange about the fact that her niece may talk to her children about the falling out, or worse, badmouth her to them? The falling out has already happened. The OP has tried to keep out of further meet ups. Her feelings have been ignored and disregarded. If that’s not toxic, I don’t know what is!

PermanentTemporary · 07/04/2024 08:38

I've no doubt he will tell them you're ill.

Having had various relationships with my inlaws implode, and having had a decade of holidays with them (now long in the past which I'm afraid is a great happiness) I agree with a pp - this is a week's holiday and it shouldn't be freighted with such enormous significance - you dont have to holiday with someone to like them. However, I get entirely that this has become a huge Thing and that inlaw holidays become a test of your 'worthiness' to be in the family.

As your dh is going on the holiday, I would now leave it to him to manage the comms. The positive side is that he will make an excuse which leaves the door open. I'm not a fan of NC but am a huge fan of LC, in fact I don't think I do more than LC with most of my relatives. Life is long. Your h and children are off to have fun with the cousins, you are going to enjoy a blissful few days solo. Make sure you do think of this positively. Maybe very soon you book a holiday next year for just your family - get it in the diary early.

SunflowerTed · 07/04/2024 09:11

PermanentTemporary · 07/04/2024 08:38

I've no doubt he will tell them you're ill.

Having had various relationships with my inlaws implode, and having had a decade of holidays with them (now long in the past which I'm afraid is a great happiness) I agree with a pp - this is a week's holiday and it shouldn't be freighted with such enormous significance - you dont have to holiday with someone to like them. However, I get entirely that this has become a huge Thing and that inlaw holidays become a test of your 'worthiness' to be in the family.

As your dh is going on the holiday, I would now leave it to him to manage the comms. The positive side is that he will make an excuse which leaves the door open. I'm not a fan of NC but am a huge fan of LC, in fact I don't think I do more than LC with most of my relatives. Life is long. Your h and children are off to have fun with the cousins, you are going to enjoy a blissful few days solo. Make sure you do think of this positively. Maybe very soon you book a holiday next year for just your family - get it in the diary early.

Good advice x

Newestname002 · 07/04/2024 10:52

edinburghvibes · 07/04/2024 07:44

@HalebiHabibti I'm sticking with my decision not to go and have now booked a few things over the days to ensure I'm less likely to buckle. DH still not told.his parents and still doesn't want me to either. I've tried to explain I think doing this will make it more of a big dramatic thing than it needs to be. But I can't force him to say anything and can only choose to be honest with them about it myself after he has.

Good for you OP. 🌹

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 07/04/2024 11:12

They really won't care that you aren't there only that you have defied them by making choices best for YOU....
Dh can deal with them if he is leaving it to the last minute.. Maybe divert their calls to him and block any messages.... Do not let them ruin your trip.

Original poster
edinburghvibes · 18/04/2024 15:21

Update if anyone wanted one 😅

I ended up calling my MiL today to let her know, DH was feeling so stressed about how to tell her and there's really not long to go now at all so I convinced him to just let me own my position and do it myself.

I felt very anxious going into the conversation and MiL immediately asked me if my decision is because of SiL, so I answered that truthfully it is. But didn't go into any more detail than that. She's understandably disappointed, but said she understands and accepts it is how it is. So I'm going to take her at her word that she understands. I feel a bit calmer now that they know, whilst also being aware that MiL may now say something to SiL about it and this might blow back on me. But we'll see. If SiL does react poorly then there's little I can do and would just reinforce to me that I've made the right decision.

Thanks again for all the replies that helped me to stick to my boundaries on this. I think I'm so used to letting my boundaries slide for the desires of others that it will do me good in the long run to start asserting myself a bit more.

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 18/04/2024 15:26

Well done OP.
And don't let yourself be drawn into conversations about it.

heldinadream · 18/04/2024 16:46

WELL DONE! This kind of finding and holding to your boundaries is life-changing stuff and it gets easier and easier. You are fabulous and you did it! 💪

HesterPrincess · 18/04/2024 16:46

Well done. It can't have been easy but once you've started saying No, you'll find it comes much easier each time.

WildFlowerBees · 18/04/2024 17:44

Well done! Enjoy your own 'holiday' Flowers

2Rebecca · 18/04/2024 18:03

I will feel I've failed as a mother if my son ever feels too frightened to phone me about something, especially something that should be relatively unimportant like whether his wife/ girlfriend is coming on a holiday I've arranged.

Tadpole10 · 18/04/2024 18:49

Well done!

HalebiHabibti · 19/04/2024 14:21

Well done OP!

Newestname002 · 19/04/2024 16:48

Well done @edinburghvibes! The more you assert your boundaries the easier it gets. 🌹

Isometimeswonder · 19/04/2024 17:04

I could not go on any holiday with someone who made me so sad. Let alone in a field with no tech!
You are fine @edinburghvibes, stick to your guns.

Secondguess · 19/04/2024 17:27

Well done on having some boundaries. It's such a shame that your husband is putting his family's facade first. I expect that if anyone treated your husband the way his sister treated you, you would be more loyal to him than he is being to you. Unfortunately he is also willing for your children to toe the line- how sad for a child to know that their dad doesn't stand up for their mum, and his sister can behave as badly as she wants with no real consequence. You can't control anyone else's behaviour but at least you have some boundaries- not going on holiday, and not pretending that you will go. Do you think he'd have invented an excuse on the day, like sudden illness?