Anyone ever pulled out of going on holiday with your in-laws... experiences please!

[edinburghvibes]

I originally wrote this trying to be totally not-outing, but have probably failed!

I've made the decision not to go on an upcoming holiday with my in-laws in a few weeks (parents in law + sister in law and her family going as well as us, so there's a lot of people going). DH is still planning to go with our young children as far as I know.

My relationship with my SiL significantly deteriorated late last year. We had a big 'falling out' that was really horrible. I've seen her a couple of times since this at family gatherings, only for a few hours each time and still found it really hard to be around her. Hard not to go into loads of details but also don't want to overshare. Suffice to say this person said some absolutely vile things to me and after DH asked her to apologise she chose to continue to attack me instead. She only offered me an apology when DH became angry towards her (very unlike him). She was then quick to tell me it's all my fault as soon as my DH wasn't there, so he thinks I've had a genuine apology but I don't view it the same way. His family's way of managing conflict is that I need to forget and forgive and pretend everything is ok. It doesn't help that on these two occasions I've seen her I haven't felt supported by DH, likely as he's part of the family who doesn't handle conflict well so also just wants me to accept being treated as I have been and just go back to being happy families.

This holiday was literally booked a week after the 'fall out' had occurred and I had said to DH at the time he was asked to confirm our availability that I wouldn't be going. I think he hoped my feelings would change as it's been a few months now but it still feels like this holiday is too much, too soon for me. Relevant information might also be that this holiday location is a field, where there's no phone signal, wifi, or any amenities accessible on foot within a 3 mile radius so feels like if I went and things got bad and I needed space it would be very hard for me to get it. I've told DH my decision and he's said he wants me to come but appreciates he can't force me to.

Purely from the perspective of my wellbeing I know it's the right move to not go. I've really tried to gear myself to go and adopt strategies to help me manage it all, but I end up feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and feel really low at the thought of it. I'm also a people pleaser by nature, so naturally feel uneasy in putting myself first in that I worry DH will struggle with the kids away from home and also that my DCs may miss me (although less worried about this in some ways as I know they'll have a great time with their cousins and grandparents). If anything I'm more worried about them just seeing me very tense and upset while it's meant to be a fun family holiday for everyone. I had to go and cry in the toilet several times we were all around her last time. I find it really draining having to "act" normal and happy all the time we're together now).

Can I ask if anyone else here has made the choice not to go on a holiday under similar circumstances (i.e. poor relationships with in-laws!) and whether on reflection it was the right choice? Happy to hear any experiences - whether it was the right choice or people regretted it.

Thanks all and an additional thank you for reading that essay. 😅

I didn't, when I really should have.

At the time I'd been with my partner for just over a year, an aunt on his mother's side was celebrating her 60th birthday, and her husband was throwing a surprise party and paying for lots of relatives to travel up to Scotland for it. My ex MIL was terminally ill with cancer and as I was on good terms with ex H (still am) I'd agreed that if he needed to drop everything to go to her city I would look after our pets - there was literally no one else who could do it.

So when I was invited my partner explained the above to his uncle, thanked him for my invite and said he would be attending on his own. Unfortunately I let myself get persuaded to go...by my ex H of all people! Long story short, a couple of days before we were due to travel I had got very ill with what I thought at the time was a chest infection. Partner's father took great offence at the idea of me cancelling and at the time I still cared what he thought of me so I forced myself to go. Weekend was horrific, partner's father was pissed off I wouldn't stay up all night drinking, and then get in a car with a drunk driver who hadn't gone to bed at all the next morning for a day out...3 days later I ended up in hospital with double pneumonia.

To add insult to injury partner actually said to me that I should 'apologise' to his father. I told him the devil would be going to work in a snow plough before that would happen....best part of it was I was 42 at the time!

I would NEVER EVER EVER go on a trip with inlaws again. Partner now agrees that I should have never gone in the first place and that his father was totally unreasonable.

I'm curious what started or caused your sil outburst to you?

I think you need to tell DH that she retracted her apology behind his back and you haven't felt supported by HIM in her presence and that from your point of view the consequences of her not taking accountability and having any remorse do change things forever.

This is on him to resolve.

How can you pretend for days in end - why are you pretending to your DH that things are ok.

I do not get on with my mil. She is rude, judgmental, offensive and a total joy sponge (she had a problem with me laughing during a comedy we were watching because she didn't find it funny!)

Her last visit was another disaster with more rudeness, treading on eggshells around her etc.

She brushes it all under the carpet and acts like everything is absolutely fine, she NEVER apologises!

Lately she has suggested we all go on holiday together abroad. She also suggested we go to her church for Easter and my birthday as it falls around the same time as she thinks I would really enjoy it. She knows I am a pagan, I even wear a pointed black hat sometimes.

If I decline, I will be the one with a problem, not her! I have absolutely no problem being the bad guy in her eyes. She made her bed.

Only trouble is, I can see my husband going away abroad with her and leaving me and dd at home. He won't like it and I won't like it (we are close) but he will feel like he has no choice.

Stand firm and also say to your DH you will speak to PIL, explain but say the kids are looking forward to seeing you all and having fun.
Your DH will be fine and maybe it might make your SIL reflect on her actions. Be clear to your PIL that your missing out on this one but you will see them at the next gathering (not holiday).

It's not a bad thing for your DH to learn where your line is and if he presses you explain your not comfortable as soon as he left she got bad again and you find it important to avoid the situation for now.

I don't think the important thing here is whether you go or not, but whether you and DH are both on board and at peace with whichever decision is made.

Unresolved resentment between the two of you is going to have a far bigger impact on your future and that of your family. Forget the opinions of the extended family until you've dealt with DH. Do you feel hurt that he hasn't backed you up more? Does he feel backed into a corner and desperately trying to please everyone? Have those conversations before the trip and try to be understanding with each other because families are so messy. Then go/don't whatever you figure out together as best for the pair of you and the kids.

She only offered me an apology when DH became angry towards her (very unlike him). She was then quick to tell me it's all my fault as soon as my DH wasn't there, so he thinks I've had a genuine apology but I don't view it the same way.

OP, have you actually spelled this out to your DH in a straightforward, factual way, in easily understandable words so he can't 'misinterpret' it?

Stop wobbling. You made it clear you were not going to go.
You have a DH problem as well as a SIL problem.
He should have said none of you were going.
That you are happy enough him taking the kids without you, and not resentful, makes you the better person.
If they all have an issue anyway, tough.
Your DH is trying to guilt you into going.
You're being asked to put up, shut up and play nice, for fake family fun.
Remember:
I had said to DH at the time he was asked to confirm our availability that I wouldn't be going. I think he hoped my feelings would change.
Well, they haven't and that ought to be respected.

I agree with @RandomMess here.

No personal experience of this OP, just wanted to say I'm sorry you're in this rubbish predicament.
As you've been clear with your DH from the beginning that you weren't going, I think it's fair enough to stick to your guns and not go. Organise something nice for YOU to enjoy whilst they are all away.
Whatever you decide to do about contact with your in laws, I would have as minimal contact as possible with SIL from now on.

And I agree with @RandomMess that you should tell your DH about the rescinded apology

If you were indeed clear with your H that you wouldn’t attend, he should’ve informed his family. If you weren’t you should both now apologise to PIL.

If what SIL said was bad, and she waited til DH wasn’t there to say some of it, why are you OK with her spending time with your DC?

Is there any risk to DCs’ safety on the holiday? (eg swimming pools. if they’re toddlers / preschool age and its camping or caravanning will your DH be fine doing all of the parenting?)

This might not be relevant because I don't know the full ins and outs but if she has apologised even if it's only for show, couldn't you use this holiday to show that there is peace between you both. You don't have to be close to her, even be friends but just to show that you can be in the same area. This would be so beneficial to you in the future when you go to family occasions knowing it's not going your way spark into ww3. I'm assuming that this is not your main holiday (camping I guess). So it's not like you are potentially ruining your main family holiday (which if it is you will be ruining it by not going anyway).

Just use it as a tool to get over the drama. It might be uncomfortable at first but by the end you will feel more comfortable and confident that next family occasion there won't be a difficulty.

She is never going to be close to you but unfortunately she is going to be in your life so you might as well smooth it over the best you can for your own sake not hers!

@RandomMess DH is aware of my position (that I don't believe her apology he heard was authentic), he doesn't agree with this, but did seem to understand my exasperation when she then immediately went back on this during a 1:1 conversation with me. I really feel for him as I know he just wants everyone to get along, I've promised I'm not adopting my position out of malice or stubbornness. She's offended me so much that I just don't want any relationship with her in future. She was one of my only three bridesmaids, I treated her like my own sister and it feels like she threw that back in my face. :(

@SwordToFlamethrower I'm so sorry you're in this position. It's such an awkward yet familiar dynamic that you describe. I hope you manage to stick to your boundaries and DH to his. X

@FortofPud Thank you. You ask some good questions. And truthfully, although I genuinely do appreciate how tricky and painful a situation this is for my DH I did feel very let down the two times we've been around her since. The first time (Christmas) I'd said I'd go back on the condition that I didn't have to speak to her 1:1. Within an hour of us getting to PiL's DH had phoned her, had his angry outburst at her (I don't know what was said on either side and have decided I don't need to) and then immediately begged me to speak with her on the phone as she and him were both asking me to. I felt completely thrown under the bus, and this is when she then essentially retracted her voice note apology she'd sent earlier via DH. I'm aware this all sounds thoroughly juvenile in parts.
The second time we were around her is the time I really struggled, told DH I was feeling really stressed on more than one occasion, cried and hid in the toilets. He honestly says he didn't pick up on me finding it hard and that if anything I "masked my distress" too well as he didn't pick up on it. I really don't think I was personally. We've had open talks about all of this and he accepts it's why the holiday doesn't feel like a viable option for me, as I have no evidence to reassure me that my boundaries will be supported or my needs will be considered.

I really appreciate both your username and saying it like it is @TheIcecreamManCometh Thank you 😁

Thanks for your reply @Drapion. I do appreciate hearing other's thoughts even if I don't personally see it the same way. I would feel very uncomfortable and disingenuous going on this trip to 'show that there is peace between us', because sadly for me there isn't at this time. To respond to your point this is the one holiday that we have booked for this year, but frankly the thought of going literally makes me feel sick with anxiety and stress, so I'm happy to forgo it! I think our kids will still have fun with DH and his family.

Firstly it sounds like a shit holiday anyway. But even if it was the most luxurious trip I would not go . My MIL kept trying to organise a family sun holiday . My SIL was really keen too. I however can't stand them and just knew I would be under obligation if we accepted it . And there is no way a week in their company would improve relations as I couldn't guarantee I could keep my temper or my tongue . Probably end in a worse situation I told my DH . He would have liked to go as he is oblivious to the passive aggressive and head wrecking tediousness of his family but would have to live with me ! My excuse ? I don't want to . A complete sentence , no further explanation given .

Just phone your PILs up tonight and tell them you won’t be going because you don't want to be in the same room as your SIL. Anything else is just drama! Pack your DH and kids off then enjoy a few days alone.

Is there any possibility your kids will be exposed to people being negative about you? If so, don’t put them through it - I speak as the child who was in this situation because it was all about oh why should Rollinroller miss out on grandparents / cousins / etc - but I was super close to my mum and even if I didn’t totally understand what was being said, I knew they were being horrible about my mum and I hated it.

I totally agree you shouldn't go. I think it's absolutely awful of your DH to be letting it all lie after you told him that she retracted her apology and continued to be offensive to you. Of course you don't have to go and sit in a field with her! Your DH needs to consider why he is comfortable with his sister being so incredibly rude to his wife, and why he thinks you should essentially squash down your distress and suffer for her sake.

@Rollinroller I'd like to think I can see the reality, but no I don't think so. Not from PiLs. The only possibile risk is SiL (who openly told her 9yo daughter / my niece the ins and outs of our falling out. When I saw them for the first time afterwards my niece asked me when we were alone "why did you say my mummy is a bad person?" which broke my heart. (and for the record I never said this or anything like this). But I don't think SiL would bad mouth me in front of my DH. Also how she's perceived publicly is very important to her, so I don't think she'd say anything to make her look openly bad if that makes sense. I'll be the bad person who's persecuting her by not going, but I can hold that.

@Rollinroller also wanted to add I'm so sorry to hear of your experience, I can only imagine how I'd feel as a child in that position and it would be horrible.

@Soontobe60 there's a couple of weeks to go. I'm very aware that expressing my own feelings is what angered SiL in the first place, so don't want to repeat the same pattern. I'm happy to let DH lead on when they are told, as it's his family. But I have clearly expressed I think his parents need to know, and that if asked about it I won't be lying about either why I'm deciding not to go, about when I made this decision... I.e last October and my DH knowing about this decision since before the trip was booked. If I go against his wishes at this stage and tell his parents myself, even though I don't agree with him on this, I don't want to cause pain or rupture in our marriage.