DH is such a passive parent

[Teddybearteddybearbear]

It isn’t that he’s cruel or horrible, the opposite, he’s lovely but he is so passive. It’s as if it doesn’t occur to him that he can make decisions and impose consequences. An example, I come down and the lounge is absolutely trashed, every toy in the house has been dumped in the middle of the room. DH was ‘I couldn’t stop him.’

It means I’m getting a bit worried about our child’s behaviour although I’m probably jumping the gun a bit, but I do feel we need to be consistent.

I know the answers will be to talk but it never goes anywhere. I feel I’m being pushed into the role of strict parent / bad cop all of the time.

DH was ‘I couldn’t stop him.’

you say passive
i say
pathetic
lazy
can’t be arsed
unsupportive and useless co parent

Right. So any actual suggestions, or are you just going to try to insult us?

eek!!!

didn’t insult you

Insulted your limp lettuce of a husband

good luck!

i don’t have much advice for how to make a man be able to parent his own toddler child to stop throwing toys around 🤷

I was always bad cop, DH was the fun parent

No advise, except to have a chat with your DH about being more parenty

How old is your DC?

Is there anything fundamentally wrong with him getting all the toys out?

Is your H trying to stop him and bring ineffective, or just not trying?

Maybe it's just different expectations?

My main advice would be to ensure DH feels the consequences of his inaction. So rather than pitching in to tidy the devastation just say 'Oh dear. I'll leave you and DS to clear up together whilst I <make dinner> <have a coffee> <nip out for a walk>'

Tbh you asked and you get replies...he does sound he wants to be good cop and youll be left to do all the emotional invisible labour here. Youll resent it.. and him if you dont have this out with him. My ex was same... I ended up resenting him...weak

I wouldn't say they were actually trying to be insulting more pointing out you're being way too kind to your husband. It's not being passive that he can't get a toddler to stop trashing the place, it's that he can't be bothered to take it on and be a parent and actively do something - that's why the previous post is probably saying he can't be arsed. If he doesn't get a grip and actually parent you're going to be the bad cop for the rest of your life and the only one imposing restrictions, doling out punishment, etc while your husband gets to be the fun laid back one. If your child was running around with scissors cutting the curtains would he say he couldn't stop him?

Whether the poster meant to insult or not (and she is all over the board like a rash at the moment, I can’t help but think it’s someone feverishly pressing refresh) it isn’t helpful.

Anyway, I think the threads taken a sour note and while I could have dealt with the first post better and accept responsibility for that I do stand by the fact it was not remotely helpful.

You've correctly and appropriately pulled a poster up on a response you didn't like.

Why can't you do that at home?

Did your dh tidy up?

I had strong words. I said “ Fine. I will do the discipline this time. Again. And I will keep doing it. But, when madam is 14 years old and decisions need to be made, I will make those decisions. You will not get a say. The reward of being able to discipline a 14 year old is due to the work you put in now and in future years.”

He stepped up.

I agree with pp - make dh feel the consequences. When toilet training one of ours, I said make sure they do a wee before watching TV as they would definitely do one then..he couldn't be arsed, didn't do it before dinner and weed all over the floor and chair. I said, ah daddys going to have to clear that one up.
Same thing now kiddo throwing food. You dd need to pick that up - inconvenience them, not you.
Same advice for parenting toddlers and dh's 🤣

My dh was a bit like this. He has always been the soft one and it definitely caused huge problems as the kids grew older. He would agree with me that we needed to be consistent, but almost every time he'd weaken and back down with the kids. Then he'd just refuse to talk about it and get grumpy.
I'd advise you to have a serious talk with him about this, with a professional if necessary.

I do, but you’ll also understand it isn’t appropriate for me to be ‘correcting’ DH in front of our children. Also I am not married to the pp thank Christ.

He isn’t a bad man but he doesn’t understand children very well.

I have a husband like this. Way too soft. The upside is that our 2 teenagers really easy going. Most likely because I had to lower my self imposed standards on discipline and cleanliness. They are both doing very well at school. They could probably spend less time on the computers. However our house is a happy house, no shouting. Probably in good part due to my husband's easy-going nature. One issue I strongly advise against is voicing any disagreements in front of your children. Argue behind closed doors. You must always present a united front (ideally). This is the only point I ever argued with my husband. I hope it helps

It does thank you and helps get things in perspective too. The state of the place is driving me a bit mad at the moment!

What's the problem with the toddler playing with their toys?
I don't understand this ordered hyper-micro management of everyone in the household.

I think your irritation is misplaced. Aim it at your husband rather than us.
Pp is not insulting you both, just your husband because as your op, he is absolutely useless!
I guess it hit a nerve.

Been there, done that. Life with young children is hard. It will get better

An example, I come down and the lounge is absolutely trashed, every toy in the house has been dumped in the middle of the room. DH was ‘I couldn’t stop him.’

Do you have any more examples of his passive behaviour? Because on the face of it, this doesn't sound too bad?

Has there been a time when he has been passive in a dangerous way (e.g standing by when child is about to fall off a sofa or something?)

(edited for spelling!)

You both need to go on a parenting course, he definitely needs it & you should attend so you can remind him of the message at home.

What do you want your husband to do OP?

When my kids have been in that mad trashing phase and pulling all toys out at once, I've always found I have to get down and either play with them and engage with one toy at a time (ie it's attention seeking behaviour) or I need to encourage and remind them that we have one toy out at a time and they need to clear away the first thing before dumping the second out. For this I'm talking about it when they want to play with the blocks then they tip the train set out, then want to play with the paw patrol stuff etc and it's all little bits everywhere. They need to be taught to look after their toys and be able to help tidy them away and that takes an active parent.
Is this what you are looking for your husband to do?

What does he do when the toddler is playing? Is he sitting watching tv or on his phone? Have you asked him why he doesn't want to engage with the child properly?

My DH is exactly the same, drives me nuts.

I have the added issue of the two eldest being my stepchildren (although they are with us full time and no contact with mum) so I theoretically should defer to his judgement... although if I did they'd walk all over us.

He prefers to discipline by 'negotiation'. Fine, for minor infractions, but that just doesn't work when a major bollock is dropped. I tend to mention something to him, let him try his way first, when it inevitably doesn't work, then bring in the big guns and they know shit has got real.

I have gone over his head three times in the five years they've been with us, because it was a situation where I wasn't prepared to bugger about with the softly softly pussy footing approach. Behaviour had to be stopped there and then. Lo and behold, it worked 🤷🏻‍♀️

We also have a toddler and he's baffled that his negotiation techniques don't work with her. It's starting to sink in that clear yes/nos and explanations of behaviours might just be the answer.