DH is such a passive parent

[Teddybearteddybearbear]

It isn’t that he’s cruel or horrible, the opposite, he’s lovely but he is so passive. It’s as if it doesn’t occur to him that he can make decisions and impose consequences. An example, I come down and the lounge is absolutely trashed, every toy in the house has been dumped in the middle of the room. DH was ‘I couldn’t stop him.’

It means I’m getting a bit worried about our child’s behaviour although I’m probably jumping the gun a bit, but I do feel we need to be consistent.

I know the answers will be to talk but it never goes anywhere. I feel I’m being pushed into the role of strict parent / bad cop all of the time.

I don’t know if people are being purposefully obtuse or not here. If I posted a photo of what I came down to no one would be in any doubt that the house was trashed. There is a huge difference in emptying a box of toys for the purpose of play and emptying a box and bringing every single item into another room making a great pile of mess, emptying bookshelves and jigsaws and pens and anything he could find really.

I honestly didn’t expect I’d get the third degeee about this. I work with children and am used to mess, it happens.

To those of you who have made genuine suggestions and offered some sympathy, thank you. I have no wish to sound ill tempered but we’re on page 5 and I’m still being grilled over these fucking toys.

i think the toy situation sounds awful

but what’s more awful… is the idea of his father sitting on the sofa watching the carnage unfold but feeling unable to say anything. To his 3 year old child.

The thing is @TheNewDeer you tell me he’s awful, it’s awful, but you’re not actually saying anything helpful. I do feel as if I’m being purposefully goaded here by you. Anyway, going into church now. I have to pray for the state of my house!

If you mean me, no, not at all - it's your husband's doing in trying to force you to be responsible for everything child related so he doesn't have to and he's at least partly succeeded at this in making you feel that you have to defend him/a criticism of him is an attack upon you.

It's quite a sophisticated manipulation, really, convincing you that you're the only person able to keep a child safe and the house clean and he couldn't possibly be expected to manage those things himself, as he needs looking after too, or people will blame you personally.

Trashed as in .. he's broken the TV/ coffee table? Ripped curtains/ cushions? Broken ornaments? Or just that the toys are all over? Because that's not trashed.. it's normal child behaviour and just need to say when child has finished playing.. shall we tidy them away now.

He does it because decision making is your job. You carry the emotional burden of child rearing, not him. It's woman's work.

If he's a decent bloke then just talk to him about how it makes you feel, how unfair it is, and that you want him to step up. Communicate.

He sounds like he either doesn’t want to make the effort or doesn’t know how to do it or doesn’t want to be the bad cop.

The thing is, he is an adult.
You can’t make an adult do things if they dont want to. There is no strategy to be there :(

So yes it’s back to talk to him and making it clear he needs to step up.
It would start by understanding what he means when he says ‘he couldn’t stop him’. Did he tell your dc to stop but was ignored? Does he need parenting classes?
Or was he worried to tell his dc off? Let’s say he doesn’t want to reproduce what his parents did - I’m thinking underlying trauma there
Or he couldn’t be bothered. In which case, I’d start by leaving to tidy up the whole room himself.
Or is that he sees his dc, the behaviour and is thinking there is something not quite right and doesn’t know how the handle it/him.

I know you were hoping for something better than talk to him. A magical solution that would make him open his eyes. But I’m afraid it just doesn’t exist.

Btw if the issue is about him not being bothered and leaving you to do all the work (whatever the reason incl ‘it’s woman’s work’), the only way you are going to tackle is is with boundaries.

And it might mean that you should be ready to walk out if he is not respecting those boundaries (or accept you’ll live with someone who refuses to be a responsible parent).

Again, I’d love to have a middle ground answer but I don’t think there are any.

I don't understand what you want people to say here. The only reasonable response is that your husband is incompetent at parenting and you are enabling him by saying he's passive but if anyone says this you think we are goading you. He is the issue, you need to deal with the issue instead of just saying he's passive. Get him a parenting book, get him enrolled in a parenting class, tell him to get a grip and be a parent

The situation described is a classic example of a minor issue that is being blown out of proportion. Toddlers often empty toys and run off, which is completely normal behaviour. However, some people are suggesting that seeing a psychotherapist is necessary in this situation.😶

To address this issue, parents can try making a game out of tidying up the toys or simply not worrying too much about small things like this. It is important to remember that such behavior is entirely normal for toddlers and children.

Or you could just sweep the stuff out of the way and chill out.

Haha, the PP clearly says your DH is to blame. Lots of helpful advice on here - fair play for ignoring all of it including the bits pointing out you're being overly fussy with the emptying of boxes. What a mountain out of a molehill.

No, there really isn't any.
I chose to remain child free and not to tie myself to anyone who might wanna become a parent.
The "DH" should have done the same.
Too late....

And if your 3 year old WASNT in a pedestrianised area and had walked into a busy road......what would DH have done then?

Because if DH is pathetic and wimpy enough to just idly follow the child, the child could get run over

DH needs to stop being a limp lettuce, grow a pair and become an active parent

Or YOU have TWO children to parent 🙄

I'm pretty sure the DH assessed the situation and would have grabbed the child rather than let him wander onto a busy road. Why are people on here so bloody dramatic.

My kid is great at clearing up, but nursery really helped that, as they all had to do tidy up, however I always enforced the - if you don't put it away after playing with it, it goes in the bin.

A few times putting the toys in a carrier bag & throwing in the bin caused the inevitable histrionics, but you have to carry out your threats, the toys stay clean in the bag anyway so its easy enough that they can be taken out & put away by the sprog.

Forget the bought toys.
Just put a big box on the floor.
That'll keep the toddler amused for days.

I don't understand why people are threatening a toddler with dire consequences for not tidying up like an adult.

Your husband sounds passive aggressive, and if that's the reason for his behaviour he is making you responsible for the consequences of his actions. I think you need to get outside help to challenge him about this, because its a form of controlling behaviour.

Maybe your DH just doesn't care about mess? He's not bothered if no one clears it up.

It's unlikely to change unless you let him know how much it upsets you and even then, his personality seems more mess tolerant.

you’re after advice OP

but tbh…. you are married to someone who sits on his sofa while watching his 3 year old son empties toy boxes, jig saw etc, knowing that the mess will upset his wife when she walks in, and he all he does is wring his hands because he doesn’t feel he can say anything. To a toddler. His own toddler!

and watch as his son exits a shop, shuffling behind him as he doesn’t want to stop him.

I mean seriously… what advice can we offer. All i can think is that i couldn’t remotely find such a man remotely attractive!! (but i accept that’s besides the point)

This is absolutely ridiculous. I feel like you have to run drills with your dh where you stand in the living room and say that side is the road, put ds down, and tell Dh: what do you do? He looks stupid, ds crosses the room, and you say congratulations, you killed him. Ok this time you DO something. No, you don’t say ‘ds please come back’, you go after him, pick him up and bring him back. Quickly. If he gets to the toy hes in the road again and he’s dead and you’re divorced and alone for the rest of your life as any future partner can just google and see the headlines ‘tragic death where dad watches 3yo run into road and does nothing’

i mean, that’s how ridiculous it is.

ok but if my husband was watching my son walk away and being passive then I would have lost my shit a long time ago.
and if he’s not passive in real life then he’s making a choice to be passive here.
so he pays the price. He cleans up.
and you pull him up repeatedly.
he can afford to be passive because you are not. Does he see parenting as the mother’s role? Do you do a LOT more of the housework? And did you do this before you had kids?
’Doesnt see mess’ btw is not a thing. They see the mess but they choose not to do anything about it. Same with dishes in a dishwasher or clothes in a washing machine. These are choices some men make to get out of every day tasks. Which they can do because their mother/wife will do it for them.

so you have to call him out. Again. And again. And again.

You make an excellent point. Safety is always first. Kids can get in a situation in the link of an eye. In the US we have every year children who die in hot cars because the parent forgot to get them from the car seat because inside a closed car is much hotter then outside. This father desperately needs parenting classes along with the desire to parent. One without the other is pointless.

This isn't being a passive parent, this is being a neglectful parent.