DH is such a passive parent

[Teddybearteddybearbear]

It isn’t that he’s cruel or horrible, the opposite, he’s lovely but he is so passive. It’s as if it doesn’t occur to him that he can make decisions and impose consequences. An example, I come down and the lounge is absolutely trashed, every toy in the house has been dumped in the middle of the room. DH was ‘I couldn’t stop him.’

It means I’m getting a bit worried about our child’s behaviour although I’m probably jumping the gun a bit, but I do feel we need to be consistent.

I know the answers will be to talk but it never goes anywhere. I feel I’m being pushed into the role of strict parent / bad cop all of the time.

he wasn’t playing with them. He was just emptying boxes.

Indeed! I really just need a few hours to sort the place but it’s few and far between at the moment. It won’t be like this forever and while I know this I do need reminding of it, some days more than others! Thank you ☺️

That's his way of playing though, it's what toddlers do.

@hoonicorn for example when DS has tried to do that with me I’ve got him to put the toys back. I honestly have no problem with mess when it’s part of play but when making a mess is the game I will put my foot down. I probably didn’t explain that well but there’s a difference between toy cars having a race and ending up all over the place - fine - and emptying a box of toy cars into the lounge with the objective of making adults cross. Which is not fine!

See above.

Tell him kids need boundaries and they're behaviours will deteriorate with out them. Then get him some child psychology books and remind him it's his responsibility too. I can't see how much more you can do than that.

Their behaviour, sorry about that

I have the same problem, only it’s a lot worse now ds is a teenager. Luckily ds doesn’t have any major behaviour problems, just the usual annoying teen nonsense. But it means I’m always the one shouldering it, I have to address any issues, I have to shoulder the emotional burden, I worry about the normal stuff (that isn’t even on DH’s radar). He meantime just chats about football to ds and absolutely nothing deeper than that 🙄.

Whether the poster meant to insult or not (and she is all over the board like a rash at the moment, I can’t help but think it’s someone feverishly pressing refresh) it isn’t helpful.

That was a really manipulative way to try and shut someone down. Use some of that energy to sort out your DH. Though this is him probably, nice guy but abit ineffectual. Nice but dim kinda thing. As PP said, it does get easier... when your child is old enough to see to their own mess.

Sorry meant to say get it sorted now, don’t assume it will improve.

I honestly don't think your child was purposely making adults cross. Emptying a box of toys in the lounge is so much fun!

Is your DH just sitting there on his phone or something? Does he read books or actually play with your child?

i think this is one of those cases where you do just know your own child to be honest. Everyone has different levels of tolerance and I think it is reasonable that if you’ve deliberately made a mess to clear it up. If you’re happy with a different system that’s fine (and I do mean that) but just as it would be wrong for me to tell you what your rules and tolerance levels should be that works both ways.

You're being very assertive with posters on here who may be offering advice. Just be assertive with DH. Get him to tidy the mess up. Going forward I think he needs to learn to be more assertive - for example toddler is about to climb up something dangerous, run into road, jump into a lake & DH says "I couldn't stop him". If he can't control him in the living room, is it safe for him to take him out & about?

I’m not married to these posters. I think I’ve only been assertive with one poster who replied with a list of insulting synonyms. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say in response to a list of insults tbh. I think I have been polite and appreciative to everyone else.

How old is your child because that is key. One of my fondest videos of DD (now 15) is when she was around 18 months old is when she moves piles of clothes around from one place to the other. Emptying boxes is a perfectly normal game for a toddler (far more than getting out the cars and racing them) not so much an older child.

your mess levels as well and the fact it is to make you cross and your anger on this thread means it may well not just be a passive husband

He is three.

I have not been angry on this thread at all. I’m sitting in a car while the baby sleeps and a bit at my supposed anger! I do think people like to invent things like this in the hope of starting a row. There’s nothing quite like telling a calm person to calm down to get them not calm. Bear baiting is illegal but OP baiting is alive and well, isn’t it!

Hmm @Teddybearteddybearbear what happened at the end of your scenario? Because if all your examples of his passive parenting are similar to this then it’s the consequence of the mess that’s the problem here.
Taking the example given, there’s nothing wrong with a child emptying a toy box for no reason, it’s quite normal. However the supervising parent then needs to engage the child in tidying up until the jobs done. Did he?
And saying he couldn’t stop him, this is ridiculous and indicates a much bigger problem with lack of engagement if it’s common across all his interactions with his children.

3 is a little old actually for the emptying and filling stage (and yes you are right DH could be helping with the filling stage). It is normally 12-24 months it starts

are there other concerns that his behaviour is delayed or that it is a purposeful making a mess rather than learning

My toddler played this way. I'd have a box of Lego to put in the garage well out of the way. Blink, and he'd have it open, emptied everywhere because you know, it is the ocean after all.

As for the husband: I had a chat with DH about all his failings and made sure he knew I needed back up. I know it's not great but I have to angle everything at him being the warrior who helps me or police giving back up. Like you do with getting the kids to be helpers 🤦 So I just shout back up needed now and he comes and steps in.

So he went from laying like a dead body on couch scrolling while toddler tried to eat coins to actually being assertive and saying no, sticking to consequences and actually watching our child. He's very laid back, is often knackered from very long shifts. Doesn't mean he doesn't have to parent his own kids and allow the room to turn into a tip.

My brother is brilliant with his children and I cannot imagine his wife needs to resort to the stern talking to that I do with mine.

Sit down with your DH and tell him you are becoming worried about you sons behaviour and you need to work together as a team. Young children know how to push buttons! If he couldn't stop him, which I would have rolled my eyes at, then he should have at least tidied up. You do need to sort it or you will end up resentful. Talk to him.

Or is there a new baby on the mix as well

Well yes - safety is a worry. For example last Christmas we went shopping and I went into a shop to buy something and DH rang me as ds was walking away from him and DH was just following. I asked why and he said ‘because he walked off.’ Luckily it was a pedestrianised area but it’s as if he doesn’t realise he can take the lead, leave, hold hands, bribe, impose consequences etc.

I can't help generally, but on the toys issue it might help to have multiple boxes of toys and only allow two out in the room at once, so the others are physically in the loft or spare room or whatever.

It does limit the mess, and we organised it so that if we got a new box down one had to go away and everyone helped put stuff in the box.

Would DH sign up to that?

@Teddybearteddybearbear

mrsdineen2
You've correctly and appropriately pulled a poster up on a response you didn't like.

Why can't you do that at home?

I do, but you’ll also understand it isn’t appropriate for me to be ‘correcting’ DH in front of our children. Also I am not married to the pp thank Christ.

He isn’t a bad man but he doesn’t understand children very well.

OP, then he needs to live up to his grown up responsibilities and learn.

When the children are not around, ask him how he could have handled that better? What could he have done? What would he do if it was knife In the electrical socket rather than toys on the floor? But make him realise that HE must take the responsibility to learn how to parent.