DH is such a passive parent

[Teddybearteddybearbear]

It isn’t that he’s cruel or horrible, the opposite, he’s lovely but he is so passive. It’s as if it doesn’t occur to him that he can make decisions and impose consequences. An example, I come down and the lounge is absolutely trashed, every toy in the house has been dumped in the middle of the room. DH was ‘I couldn’t stop him.’

It means I’m getting a bit worried about our child’s behaviour although I’m probably jumping the gun a bit, but I do feel we need to be consistent.

I know the answers will be to talk but it never goes anywhere. I feel I’m being pushed into the role of strict parent / bad cop all of the time.

And.
Is that not allowed in your world?

Well appropriate is the key word there. You appropriately pulled up that poster in what you said but also in the right time and place. Appropriately pulling up your husband would be also doing it in the right time and place....

This is where we have different ideas of what’s acceptable. To me, no, it’s not allowed. Because if DH doesn’t make DS clear it up and DH doesn’t clear it up, who does? And it’s easy to say that I don’t, but it’s me who the mess bothers.

I don’t want to be accused - again - of being assertive but that post was assertive and bordering on a bit rude tbh.

I really don’t think it’s a slippery slope to Franco’s Spain expecting a three year old not to trash a house and a parent to intervene to stop that.

They’re not insulting you. Just your utterly ineffective partner. That poster was trying to reframe it. You’re being too kind to the useless lump you live with.

My ex was like this.
As our dc got older it became more apparent that he was not going step up, even after we had discussions about it - needing to be a team, on the same page - he was passive to the point where he took no responsibility over his life at all, let alone his dc.
And that is why he is now my ex (poor man, something else that happened to him that he had no control over 🙄).

Have an open conversation. Spell out your reasonable expectations on him as a parent. If it’s not improving and you’re not happy then cut your losses. If he can’t sort it out now he never will, and it only gets more difficult.

That example is completely different and paints more of a picture.

Have you asked your husband why is he like that? Why is he afraid to step in and say no?

Explain to him that children need rules and boundaries in order to grow up safe,secure and well adjusted.

Would he be willing to attend a parenting course? Or at least do some reading on the subject?

Does he ever discipline the children?

I don't think you've been angry and I agree with you that while sometimes kids unloading boxes everywhere is ok sometimes it's bloody annoying and needs cleared up/stopped. For me what probably would have sent me over the edge was your husband's response that he couldn't stop him. This non thought on how to parent would exhaust me and make me angry. If he can't handle him in the living room then how can he be responsible for him out in public. If he was in a restaurant with him and he started throwing stuff everywhere could he stop him? If your husband says no then there is a serious problem. I hope you made your husband and the toddler clean up

On the mess/tidying up stuff, I agree with pp that your DH has to be left to deal with the consequences of his own choices. So he needs to clear up any mess.

On the safety stuff, I'd be absolutely livid. He needs to be able to control your young DC in order to keep them safe and sometimes that means physically intervening.

I don’t think he’s afraid to say no, he just thinks he’ll be ignored which he sort of is because you do need a carrot or a stick depending on the circumstances. He isn’t passive in other areas, either. Maybe it is a confidence thing.

Sounds like he has an external locus of control - that is he believes that what he does doesn't really influence things.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-age-of-overindulgence/202309/external-locus-of-control-linked-to-childhood-overindulgence?amp

He may deep down believe that he cannot control your toddler, and as a result he reacts passively.

Not sure how you fix it.

I think that’s an element definitely and I can sympathise with it to an extent, kids can be really hard work. But it does mean that setting boundaries and any discipline is down to me and I worry that will affect my relationship with ds over the long term.

How old is your son?

Three.

I think it's a responsibility thing. He doesn't see himself responsible for your children, you are - and to at least some extent, you're being pushed into being responsible for them and him; your reaction to the PPs criticising him was to defend 'Us' as though you're his parent as well.

But he's not an older sibling or random cousin co-opted into a bit of babysitting, he's their father and fully responsible for both the children and the home.

when ds was younger, I would sometimes get a similar response from DH “I couldn’t stop him.”

my go to response is “you’re the parent, so do your job” That usually gets him back on it.

i can’t stand lazy, passive parenting

I wouldn't worry too much about this - kids wise up very quickly. Your DC will soon work out who the involved, interested parent is who they are safe with. We have elements of what you describe here with my 6yo, in that their father is around much less than me and is more wishy-washy in approach. 6yo knows that they can fleece their dad for treats when they go to the shops and get away with other behaviour that they'd never try with me, but still prefers me on a day-to-day basis. We're talking a lot about 'respectful' behaviour in our house at the moment - it's not respectful to shout at each other or demand that people do things for you, it's not respectful to leave mess for other people to clean up (though you can always ask for help) and (big one this!) it's not respectful to ruin your parents' trips out of the house with constant demands for toys and treats, although we're lucky that we do have these things occasionally.

I think this suggests why your DH behaves as he does
"doesnt understand children"???????
Total cop out

Sorry, just to be clear, you are putting them blame at my door?

@Teddybearteddybearbear you’re still missing the point. DH’s failure is not in letting your 3 year old dump all their toys out, it’s in him not taking responsibility for either clearing it all up or limiting the toy dump so he can clear it up.

I think that’s being overly nitpicky to be honest. I’m fairly clear that the problem is DH behaved as if he was helpless to do anything about it and that this extends outside of that specific example. We can argue all day about it and I think some posters want to - I’m too rigid and controlling, children should empty their toy boxes everywhere, I didn’t use the right words, no wonder XYZ, but either way, I need a bit more input, is all.

Your Dh is to blame for his lack of Parenting not you but while you continue to cover for him and find lame excuses for it it wont change

He may be good in other areas but in this one he isn't. it seems like ges leaving all that to you with the discipline... could it be suggested he makes a hash of it so you do it...

And I’m pretty sure he’s probably like this in other areas too, not taking responsibility for consequences, not following through, not finishing a boring task because he’s got fed up with it etc

So yes, All My Fault then 😆

@FlowerBarrow in the interests of fairness no, not at all. Which is why while a pp didn’t like it I do think it comes down to not being confident in discipline or setting boundaries. It’s a hard age and I 100% don’t get it right all the time but it would be nice to try!