DH is such a passive parent

[Teddybearteddybearbear]

It isn’t that he’s cruel or horrible, the opposite, he’s lovely but he is so passive. It’s as if it doesn’t occur to him that he can make decisions and impose consequences. An example, I come down and the lounge is absolutely trashed, every toy in the house has been dumped in the middle of the room. DH was ‘I couldn’t stop him.’

It means I’m getting a bit worried about our child’s behaviour although I’m probably jumping the gun a bit, but I do feel we need to be consistent.

I know the answers will be to talk but it never goes anywhere. I feel I’m being pushed into the role of strict parent / bad cop all of the time.

What I’m saying is (giving him benefit of the doubt) if he has to deal with the consequences of his inexperienced lack of boundaries/lax parenting, this will help him to learn why it matters. Ie is he clearing up the mess?

So the problem is the mess is left to you.

on its own as I said emptying and filling stuff is a perfectly normal and good learning tool.

you should be supporting the emptying and your DH the filling by not being passive and being involved.

at the moment you are on opposite ends and that must be incredibly confusing.

you need boundaries I think - and a honest conversation about cleaning up etc

From the examples you've given he does sound passive, and a bit lazy. Have you heard of weaponised incompetence? You're only three years in, you need to nip this passive parenting in the bud now as parenting is active - you need to make decisions, if a kid is walking away on the street you don't ring mummy, you get the kid. It's very easy to let one parent do the parenting and act a bit useless and wide eyed but you're going to get very worn out...

I am not sure how to say I dont think its all your fault beyond saying its not all your fault again but here we are.
Your DH is at fault, not you but you facilitate his crappy parenting so why should he change it? The current consequences are that you step in and he can still be Fun Dad while not doing basic tasks. Nobody "understands children" or knows how to Parent when we leave the hospital with them but we either learn fast or fail and your DH and DS are lucky that while one of you is doing the latter at least one of you is doing the former.
You asked how to change it and you have had suggestions, mostly good ones but it seems you dont like any of them and would rather get very defensive to anyone who is trying to help than accept any advice.

Once more - DH's crap parenting is NOT YOUR FAULT but your reaction to it is.

Tell him its not good enough...tell him youre leaving to go out until its done..he knows exactly what needs to be done

I have @Poettree and I don’t think that’s what’s happening. One of the reasons I don’t want the thread to be just poster after poster insulting DH is because he is a good husband and good egg really. He isn’t perfect obviously but if I’m going to address this properly then I need understand why it’s happening and how to help.

One thing I do know is parenting is hard and I’ve got things wrong and I don’t want to be overly critical but I am conscious ds is starting to work out dad gives in and this isn’t good.

I used to work with trainee teachers.

Unless they'd been involved with young people before they were generally quite worried about interacting with teenagers - the common worry is what do I do if a teenager ignores me or worse argues back?

So there is a standard process for getting them used to a position where they are in the classroom and they both have control and believe they have control.

First they teach classes with the teacher in the room. They teach carefully chosen classes who will nearly always do what they are told. The teacher gains confidence. The kids actually listening to me! They are learning!

Then they are slowly exposed to trickier classes and trickier students, while being given strategies to deal with them. So for example they might take on a class where the students don't always listen first time. They'll need to develop strategies like using a bell, or saying 54321 or something like that, and then telling off those who are not paying attention.

Your DH may lack confidence. He may feel that the child doesn't listen to him. The way to fix this is to fix the dynamic. Set up situations where he is successful. When your kid is being nice and co-operative, get DH to do something nice with him. Maybe sit down with DH and agree a discipline system - when child does this, we do that.

I don't necessarily think he is being a passive parent, but a lazy one. He might not understand children very well - but it's his job to learn, as it is all new parents. By refusing to try, he's forcing you into being the 'authoritarian' parent whilst he gets to be the fun/laid back dad. It's not fair on you. You should both share all aspects of parenting, including teaching consequences etc. I'd just have a chat and try and explain that to him. It's not worth a blazing row, but if it continues indefinitely and you find it's always you having to 'get on' at your child to tidy up, do homework, brush your teeth, get ready for bed etc etc, you'll start to feel a real resentment and contempt can easily creep in. And that really can throw a grenade into even the best of marriages.

It sounds like he presents as a bit disinterested?

I say that because when you got cross about the emptying of the toys, an invested parent may say something like "oh it's OK. He's having fun." Rather than "I couldn't stop him".

When he said your DS 'walked off', an interested parent might have said "I was watching him, don't worry. It was nice to see him exploring."

So basically, he thinks your kid is autonomous and maybe he is giving a vibe of 'not my responsibility'. He is more hands off and it's frustrating.

Yet I bet you spend a lot of your interior time thinking about what is best for your kids, what they might like to do, what makes them tick, what would make their day better so that it's a successful one for you all....etc. Basically, your internal monologues are different and you are frustrated because, actually WHY isn't he thinking about them all the time? Or he is...in a different way?

If you did not want people insulting your husband then why come on with a problem you know would lead to it?? It does sound like you are angry with the posters on here. You yourself posted that your husband was 'acting helpless' I think most people would assume he was pathetic from that! I thought you would be embarrassed to have a man like that! If you are happy with that, then don't ask opinions. Most people would call him wet lettuce or laugh if they saw him helplessly following a 3 yr old!! Tell him to man up and get him to sort the mess they create. It's not hard.

You asked for advice and are taking everything personally!

The blame isn't at your door. What people are trying to say is that you need to stop thinking of your DH as "passive" and think of him as "incompetent" when it comes to parenting.

Passive suggests a type of parenting style. The picture you paint is of someone who is a useless and ineffective parent when it comes to discipline and anything except fun and games. You need to redirect your schoolteacher-like attitude away from posters on here and towards your DH instead.

I like the idea someone posted of saying I'll leave you and ds to tidy up. A parenting class would definitely help your dh see that boundaries will actually benefit your son. Especially in safety situations like walking off. There is no shame in classes to help out. But I'd do it now before ds gets any older.

ds is starting to work out dad gives in

That is what happened to us OP, and as I mentioned in my previous post it caused massive problems as they got older. Now they’re adults it’s still an issue, because he isn’t able or willing to assert boundaries with them, including when they’re in our home. He agrees with me for example when I say that DC should tell us whether they’ll be home for dinner, or that they should clear up after themselves in the kitchen, or not put washing in the machine, go out and expect us to take it out of the machine, dry it and put it away for them without even asking us. He’ll moan about these things but never tackle them about it, and if I tackle them about it they ignore me, because dad just gives in to them every time.

It’s definitely worth addressing this with him now, properly.

He isn’t a bad man but he doesn’t understand children very well.

Then he needs to. Starts with books. He can read 123 Magic first, then How To Talk So Kids Will Listen.

If that doesn't teach him, he can go through the myriad podcasts, blogs and internet articles about how to parent.

If that doesn't work, there are parenting classes. I did a few.

And if that doesn't work there are counsellors and psychotherapists who will work one on one with families to look at dynamics.

Basically, make being a good dad the 'lazy' option. Starting with him or the toddler clearing up. He can choose which of those people does it, but it won't be you.

Maybe joint parenting classes to find a happy medium in your approach because emptying the boxes was fairly normal and not doing it to make a mess abd you angry

Hi there I understand your frustration, I have a husband exactly like yours, I have posted already. I am not at all convinced you are going to change him. Mine used to think I am way too strict. You would think 12 and 10 years old can put their pyjamas inside the chest of drawers- I was in the wrong. Apart from the issueof tidiness mine is a decent husband and a really good dad. Very involved in all other areas. I used to rotate the toys - split them in 4 boxes and only leave 1 box out. I would ignore the whining- mum, no clean socks - of course not, they are all behind the bed, wear the dirty ones. Now as our children are teenagers I withhold the weekly allowance if their bedrooms are messy - this helps to a degree. If your husband thinks you are too strict and unreasonable- you are not going to shift his perspective. He has as much a right to his viewpoint as you. And since men usually don't mind a messy house- you are stuck. I suggest you put some toys away and generally lower your standards of cleanliness. A harmonious untidy home is better than a spotlessly clean and miserable one, in my books. I hope it helps

brilliant post!

he followed his son out because that’s where his son was walking?

for all your assertiveness on this thread, it would seem your DH utterly lacks.

oh and calling your DH a “limp lettuce” is not criticising you both. Squarely aimed at him

i could never ever trust a man like this to solo care for one child let alone the 3 year old and the baby

i am guessing you don’t either op

If he is watching the toddler, then it is he who must pick up the room after.

Tell him that. "Ok. Put the room back to how it was, this needs to happen at the end of every play session"

What happens when your child decides to play in the knife drawer or throw glasses at the wall. Will your DH step in then?

Some of the dramatic responses on here are hysterical!

OP it may be more about what triggers one parent does not trigger another. My OH is quite obsessive about tidiness for example, so he comes down hard about mess with the kids. To my eyes he's a tad extreme, but then I am a bit more relaxed about mess than he is, so my threshold is very different. My kids are older, they have just learnt that we have two slightly different outlooks which is not catastrophic. Both parents will never ever be completely signing from the same hymn sheet. That's impossible. But maybe if your DH realises how important mess is to you, he should make more effort ensuring both him and toddler tidying up their mess.

Don't be so dramatic.

She just said the child walks off and he says he can’t stop them!

Emptying toys out is not 'trashing the house' for god's sake 😂