I view my husband as a contaminant

[Cappuccino17]

I feel terrible saying this but I think my husband is unclean. He showers etc. But I am quite fussy borderline OCD due to past traumas. This is affecting our marriage a lot. I hate him touching things including me as I don't think he washes his hands much or for long enough after visitng the loo.

We had a huge argument recently because i heard the loo flush and he was out in seconds. I had to question if he had washed his hands at all. But i noticed he does a really quick soap rub and rinse and dashes. It has made me feel so uncomfortable but when i tell him he distances himself from me and tells me I'm nitpicking. I don't like him touching things in the home and me as a result and feel on edge. It obviously affects our intimacy too he doesn't understand how much this affects our marriage now because he won't change his actions.
He chucks his clean clothes on the floor and rewears them, he also wears just underwear to bed which i hate and find unhygienic and wish he would wear shorts and lastly he walks in the bathroom barefoot and I've always worn toilet slippers from a young age and he won't listen. It all disgusts me a lot and creates so much tension between us.

Am i being unreasonable?

Yes people suffering from mental illness are often difficult to live with, and suffering greatly themselves.

Im saying this the nicest possible way and without judgement , but you need medical help because that’s not normal, if you hate your bins and touching you then your marriage is in big trouble . Please get MH care for your old before it destroys your relationships. I have someone in the family that kept getting worse , lost his wife and children

Really you need to live alone, then you'd be happy with all your hygiene requirements. I can't see any man (or woman) living up to your standards. Toilet slippers? Wtf?

Mm. Sounds more than borderline to me. Please try to get treatment again ASAP as DH is not going to be able to manage your condition by trying to follow your rules.

Some couples don’t have sex for valid reasons and are fine, but questioning him constantly about his habits not being able to be at all affectionate because you suspect his hand hygeine is lacking is quickly going to have terrible consequences for the relationship.

And sorry to have to ask, but ‘toilet slippers’ says a lot to me about how serious your problem actually is, and how far back it must go. Did this start with a family member having OCD when you were growing up?

"I also expect my partner to wash his feet & shower as soon as he gets in the house and change into indoor lounge wear"
You wot???

It’s not about blame; it’s about the OP recognising that she has a big problem and that her behaviour is harming her husband as a result.

Recognising that isn’t about her feeling guilty and repenting or whatever; it’s about taking action to make sure that she stops monitoring her husband, trying to control how what he does in the bathroom or what he wears in bed, getting angry at him for touching things in his own home and so on. It’s important that she realises this isn’t ok.

It doesn’t have to be about blame.

I’m a long time sufferer of OCD and can fully sympathise with you.
please get treatment. I had CBT and it helped me enormously to maintain a pretty normal life now. I couldn’t wear clothes that had been on the floor, etc.
if you give into these notions than the OCD wins. It’s a tough treatment but you have to expose yourself to these perceived dangers until your anxiety subsides and the brain learns it’s ok.
there is hope and happiness out there.
if you remove these stressors than new ones will take their place. The solution is to train your brain to manage these and other “dangers”.
wishing you all the best for finding a way and leading a happy life with your husband.

Yes agreed

Explaining what is norm in PPs culture is different to giving advice.

As it's a mental health issue it is not for her H to live by all of her demands.

It needs to be addressed with the OP and professionals. If the marriage is worth saving and OP shows determination and progress to overcome these extreme reactions then you can work as a couple.

But if her H is expected to with a wife in a house he contaminates by moving around then you have to accept it is unsustainable.

Advice was probably the wrong word, it was more like endorsing the OPs views by saying she thought she was just asking for basic hygiene and she didn't think it was too much to ask, which could reinforce the OPs views that her husbands way of living is unclean, and give weight to the irrational OCD thoughts in her head.

It's very different when it's to do with cultural norms rather than OCD.

@crumblingschools yes that’s what i meant

I have read all your replies and appreciate each and every one of them.

It really helps me to see different approaches and what "normal" looks like.

For some context i have struggled with a few traumatic events in the past 2 years nothing marriage related. I've been married for 9. So I've not been like this always. My husband reminisces about the old carefree wife i once was, i wouldn't care about germs at all really! I can't remember what that feels like anymore. My memory is erased of that relaxed feeling. I miss my old self.

Iv read many people have said i am difficult to live with and would have walked away by now. My husband has tried to walk out on me with the kids or talked about walking out on me many times. Understandable. But he never did it.

I've tried CBT wasn't for me, so my husband referred me to counselling therapy. Iv read on here about medication and how that can help me relax my symptoms and hope to speak to my GP aswel.

Toilet slippers are just something Iv been familiar with I'm not korean/Japanese but i do admire their practices. We all flush lid down here, me and the kids wear slippers but dh doesn't. It's not the main concern but his handwashing bothers me.

I spoke to him about it and he was extremely offended. He feels he washes well, scrubs into a lather and rinses off. But I'm not sure. It could be more thorough. He said he's always done that since we've been married/premarriage and nothing is changing. In my brain that doesn't process too well. Everything looks contaminated and i exhaust myself by trying not to touch what he has touched. For e.g. the kettle. So if he uses it then i use it I'll wash my hands after because i cba washing the whole kettle. It's just exhausting remembering all these little things. That was just 1 of them.

I hope there can be some compromise between me and my dh. He does try but think he resents me too.

All i think about is germs and it is debilitating.

Why do your children wear toilet slippers? And what would a compromise look like? Do you time/police their bathroom time?

The problem is 100% you. He is doing absolutely nothing wrong. There’s no compromise here, you need treatment for your illness. End of.

Well done OP for being so open to taking these posts on board . That in itself is a huge step.

If your DH says he washes his hands, I’m sure he must at least some of the time . As for not doing it as thoroughly as you would like, it may help you to think about the fact that hand washing isn’t about eradicating germs: it’s about reducing them - which even a rinse WILL do. Short of shoving his hands in an incinerator , reducing is all he can do.

Would it help to have a goal of allowing the dcs to go without toilet slippers? As a first step …

It will feel amazing when you manage to ditch these concerns - which are controlling you.

You need to get on top of this before it makes your children mentally ill too. The fact that your children wear "toilet slippers" because of your germ phobia shows that your illness has already infected them. There doesn't need to be a compromise. There shouldn't be a compromise. There is no compromise. It is you who needs to get your condition under control. Your husband's role is to support you in getting help, not to enable you.

I don't think your ocd will improve if he keeps threatening to leave (not that i necessarily blame him).

I'm sorry but you can't expect compromise because YOU aren't compromising. I don't know if he is, but you aren't. At least, not in his eyes. You might think your 'instead of that I'll do this' is less obtrusive but more often than not, it isn't. Watching you scrub your hands red raw is just as concerning as wiping down a kettle.

You do see now that this ocd is full blown right?
Thats the first step. Admitting you have a real problem.

You are ill right now. If you had cancer, would you refuse to see a gp? Just because one therapist or therapy didn't work, doesn't mean you get to stop trying. You are in a marriage and if you want it to work, you need to do the work to get better. You can't just bury your head in the sand and expect him to tolerate things.

Because there's nothing wrong with him and frankly he shouldn't need to 'compromise' in the way that you want. Because, well, its mad. It's mental illness talking.

Perhaps, make the choice for him and ask him to leave. Then focus on getting better. Couples therapy might be possible once you've recovered somewhat. If you both want that. But for now you need to do the self work.

You can't just carry on as you are. Or something will give.

You say cbt wasn’t for you but why was that? Because you didn’t like it? Because it was uncomfortable and involved doing things you didn’t like doing? Because you did all the tasks religiously and it didn’t work? It’s proven to be effective so I’m wondering if you really gave it enough of a chance.

I do like these facts that are coming through it helps me to understand why it might not make sense to make such a huge deal. This thread is gold to me all the harsh and supportive comments too.

To be very honest CBT wasn't for me because of the therapist and because i was very exhausted of my ocd at that point i just didn't have the drive or energy to sit on a laptop and tap out notes.
I think someone kindly mentioned on this thread that trying meds then therapy is a good option as it could be more effective.

@Calliopespa that actually really helps me to see why my dhs handwashing could ne enough. I think ditching the toilet slippers for my elder one might be tough as she doesn't like to go in barefooted but when we are not home she's fine going in barefooted at grandparents. At home she asks for slippers. My younger one i could try taking the slippers in good time. Think i need to see gp first.

@Cappuccino17 sorry but you need serious help before you break up your family.

I don’t think you are taking it as seriously as you should.

@chimen i certainly don't think it's a joke so not sure i get your point

I also wanted to raise that wearing toilet slippers isn't a terrible practice and even if i overcame ocd id probably still do it. If my kids do it i wouldn't mind. I wear house slippers too some people don't it's a preference i guess.

CBT and specifically ERP (exposure and response prevention) is the gold standard treatment for OCD and for good reason, but it’s very very hard to engage with. You also need to be lucky enough to have access to a good practioner. I personally needed medication also.

I’m not an expert but I don’t think counselling therapy would be very effective.

I would strongly recommend you to seek medication for the condition and to read some books about CBT and ERP to try and prepare yourself. Ideally ask your husband to read a bit too.

I feel for you, it’s awful. I just want you to get better before it gets worse if you know what I mean. It feels intractable but it is treatable. You can get better. I’m certain of that and I’ve really been on this journey and then some.

I hope your DH can make the effort to understand that being offended is an inappropriate reaction, it’s natural to feel that initially but in the context of ocd it’s really not helpful. Your fears aren’t personal and it’s not really about him. He needs to get on board with recovery and how best he can support you in that, for the sake of his children if nothing else. If he needs to vent about it he can talk to other family, friends or a therapist himself.

I say you are not taking it seriously because getting help should be your uttermost priority.
Instead you are justifying slippers in the bathroom and trying to reach a “compromise” with your DH.

You are putting your family through these rituals and you are in danger of passing on your anxieties to your children.