I view my husband as a contaminant

[Cappuccino17]

I feel terrible saying this but I think my husband is unclean. He showers etc. But I am quite fussy borderline OCD due to past traumas. This is affecting our marriage a lot. I hate him touching things including me as I don't think he washes his hands much or for long enough after visitng the loo.

We had a huge argument recently because i heard the loo flush and he was out in seconds. I had to question if he had washed his hands at all. But i noticed he does a really quick soap rub and rinse and dashes. It has made me feel so uncomfortable but when i tell him he distances himself from me and tells me I'm nitpicking. I don't like him touching things in the home and me as a result and feel on edge. It obviously affects our intimacy too he doesn't understand how much this affects our marriage now because he won't change his actions.
He chucks his clean clothes on the floor and rewears them, he also wears just underwear to bed which i hate and find unhygienic and wish he would wear shorts and lastly he walks in the bathroom barefoot and I've always worn toilet slippers from a young age and he won't listen. It all disgusts me a lot and creates so much tension between us.

Am i being unreasonable?

Jesus, poor sod ( that’s your husband) 🤦🏼‍♀️

Once someone gets into 'allowing' or 'not allowing' their partner to do things that most people would consider perfectly normal, then either the person doing the domineering needs to sort themselves out, or they need to brace themselves for when the other party has had enough of being pushed around and walks out.
In any partnership, personal or business, if it is to be happy and long-lasting, any rules should be negotiated, not imposed. And on major issues, that negotiation needs to take place before the partners commit to each other. A lot of trouble and heartache would be spared if people just stuck to that; if you can't or won't negotiate, or don't stick to agreements, don't partner up.

Your husband sounds perfectly normal to me and not unclean at all. Also dirt is ok! My daughter has allergies and her consultant said a train of thought behind the increase in allergies is that we are too clean & sterile, children who grow up in farms are less likely to develop allergies. I have never heard of bathroom slippers. That really seems over the top and from what I can tell your husband does regularly shower and he washes his hands. I have 2 kids so there is no hope of a clean house here. Bugs, runny noses, crumbs in random places, toys everywhere. It does sound like OCD. Some level of germs are ok! I also work as a primary school teacher so my life is full of germs. 😂 I have lost count of how many wet laces I've tied because the boys toilets often have pee on the floor. Not pleasant but I wash my hands after and get on with my day.

This sounds extremely onerous. Where do you/partner actually get changed into your “bedroom clothes” from “lounge clothes” ? Do you also change out of “outside clothes” to “lounge clothes” when returning home?

Unless you have multiple levels of inner sanctum clean rooms to do all the changing I don’t know how you manage this. Or all the laundry!

Your poor DH. Why does he need to wear pants and shorts in bed? Words fail me about toilet slippers. Do people in your house wee all over the floor? If not why is it an issue? You need help and fast before your DH leaves it's very unfair on him. Although he should wash his hands properly.

(Having had to deal with someone with OCD, what I do know is that the more the sufferer and their family give in to the problem, the worse it gets. In fact, I think everyone is at least a little bit prone to it, but having seen what I have, if I see any signs of it in myself, I stamp on them first time out and force myself to do the opposite. I'm not saying a real sufferer should be forced to do or not do anything, of course, that would not be helpful, just that if someone has OCD, they definitely need to be encouraged to get professional help rather than be given in to if they are trying to make other people do/not do things rather than themselves.)

I'm guessing people's toilet hygiene can't be very good if you need toilet slippers, which would be more of a problem to me.

If cultures have toilet slippers what happens when using public loos?

Yep, I used to live in Korea and they had bathroom slippers. I have kind of adopted some of their customs since I’ve came back but not completely. I wear crocs in my hallway and living room/ kitchen where there’s hard floor, but I also wear those in my toilet.

I choose not to wear the crocs in my bedroom or spareroom which are both carpeted. I do like having a cleanish carpet as sometimes I like to lie on it and I feel my hard floor despite me trying to keep on top of it with cleaning isn’t as clean as my carpet.

I usually just wear socks in those carpeted rooms OR wear another set of indoor trainers for those rooms.

I take my outdoor clothes when I come in usually but tbf I WFH and don’t leave the house every single day lol don’t mind too much if I sit in the couch as I have a throw but wouldn’t sit on any bedroom furniture in outdoor clothes.

I live alone, depending on who I live with in the long term and what culture they are from, it could become an issue. Need to get me a Korean man lol

It’s not an issue because if it’s a public toilet in say a shopping mall or train station they’ll obviously be wearing outdoor shoes - which they wouldn’t wear in their house beyond the entrance bit where they take off their shoes

"Being barefoot around a toilet is quite gross if you think about it."

No, I never lick my feet 😂

Why is it gross being barefoot near a loo? If everyone actually aims correctly there shouldn't be a problem. If you have to wear slippers what about gloves if someone doesn't wash their hands correctly or dare I whisper 'poo crumbs'

😂

@crumblingschools to be fair aiming is important but so is putting the toilet lid down when flushing and so many people don’t do that!!

No, I wouldn’t view him as unclean and I was brought up by someone who very much needed everything spotless all of the time.

Therapy may not have worked with the person you saw and the techniques they employed. Keep trying. Because all of those things are completely normal…few people wear slippers to the bathroom and, spoiler alert, he’s only touching the outer skin of his penis when he goes to the loo, unlike us ladies who are getting juices and urine all over our hands. It’s just skin…it’s like him touching his arm or his earlobe. As long as he is briefly washing his hands after he pees, that’s fine. If it’s after he poops…yeah, then I would definitely want him to wash more as his hands are doing the same as ours. Many, many people sleep naked…why would shorts be more sanitary than briefs? Wearing one piece of clothing for sixteen hours is normal if you have a long day. Wearing one item for two eight hour periods…no different.

You have some seriously disordered thoughts…that’s not your fault and the disgust you feel is entirely valid. There is a reason why this hits you so hard. But your husband isn’t the trigger…something much, much deeper is and you are transferring your disgust at that to your husband’s behaviour. Either keep trying to get help, to get to the root of your issues with germs or call it a day with your husband as you need to be with someone with a similar level of intolerance.

@Goinoutalone but if the lid isn’t put down it isn’t just the floor that will be impacted.

It’s not unreasonable to want someone to be hygienic and what people consider hygienic varies.

As someone with ocd though, please believe me when I say that your husband’s hygiene is not the issue. If it was then you might be miffed or nag a bit but you would not feel particularly anxious about him touching you or other items, it wouldn’t spiral into unease and a feeling of contamination.

This could get much worse, so I would make sure you’re on meds and accessing treatment again. It’s not easy but worth it.

nonetheless she IS abusing him.

She needs to recognise that and get proper help to stop.

Agree.

This is not normal behaviour, it really isn’t.

Never hear of “toilet slippers” either. Do you mean you have to put on separate footwear for a bathroom? That’s weird. Maybe wash your floors?

OP you sound exhausting to live with. Your poor husband.

If I was being hounded like your H OP I would leave.

But as a compromise if he washes his hands for however long you dictate and you just leave it at that.

Honestly the rest, what are toilet slippers anyway, is way over the top.

The only way you are going to be at peace is in a home on your own. You might want to think about that. Seriously, is any relationship worth this mental stress for you?

"I think what you are asking for is basic hygiene. I personally couldn't cope with someone not using house slippers and separate toilet slippers. I expect that from anyone who visits me, but its also the norm in my culture. Walking barefoot in the house/toilet and then getting in bed is just gross to me. To be honest, I don't think you are asking for much. I don't allow outisde clothes indoors either and I expect my partner to get changed into bedroom clothes, so no lounge clothes in the bedroom. I also expect my partner to wash his feet & shower as soon as he gets in the house and change into indoor lounge wear."

Does he expect you to sit in a bath of dettol before sex ?

OP is getting a hard time here I think.

I have OCD. I was fully aware of the damage it was causing my marriage and eventually my husband did leave me.

Living alone is the only way I can manage my contamination anxiety. This has meant sacrificing many things.

I raised an eyebrow at the repeated insistence that the OP gets help. The reality is that help, if available at all, is usually a one size fits all CBT approach that doesn't help everyone - and the wait for even a few virtual sessions can be two years.

With a few exceptions there are so many tedious and unsympathetic replies from people chipping in to mention being a 'little bit' OCD themselves, calling the OP insane or post unpleasant pictures of dirty toilets.

OCD is a living hell for all those concerned. I'd have this thread moved or pulled OP and look for some real life support.

All best wishes to you.

OMG this post could be me so I totally understand. I get how you feel, I am the same. I have always put it down to being OCD and part of who I am, I just can't help it and it causes a lot of tension. Look forward to reading all of the responses.

Yes, it is a living hell for all concerned and any suggestion of blame towards you OP is completely misplaced. Also counterproductive as guilt worsens the condition. I agree cbt is difficult though it’s worth looking into even reading some books yourself, but that’s why I think meds are sometimes the best start. Not doing anything isn’t an option because the condition can worsen.