I view my husband as a contaminant

[Cappuccino17]

I feel terrible saying this but I think my husband is unclean. He showers etc. But I am quite fussy borderline OCD due to past traumas. This is affecting our marriage a lot. I hate him touching things including me as I don't think he washes his hands much or for long enough after visitng the loo.

We had a huge argument recently because i heard the loo flush and he was out in seconds. I had to question if he had washed his hands at all. But i noticed he does a really quick soap rub and rinse and dashes. It has made me feel so uncomfortable but when i tell him he distances himself from me and tells me I'm nitpicking. I don't like him touching things in the home and me as a result and feel on edge. It obviously affects our intimacy too he doesn't understand how much this affects our marriage now because he won't change his actions.
He chucks his clean clothes on the floor and rewears them, he also wears just underwear to bed which i hate and find unhygienic and wish he would wear shorts and lastly he walks in the bathroom barefoot and I've always worn toilet slippers from a young age and he won't listen. It all disgusts me a lot and creates so much tension between us.

Am i being unreasonable?

I’m also from a culture that has toilet slippers. It’s something I’ve never enforced in my own home, but it’s as you say - slippers sit outside of the loo and you swap round as you go in and out.

In terms of how to talk to him, maybe follow the “When x happens (neutral language), I feel y. What would help would be z.” So perhaps, “When stress levels are high, I find thoughts about germs really hard to manage and start to feel anxious. What would help would be in the short term if you could do a thorough hospital hand wash.”

The man's had a pee. He's not scrubbing up before performing a triple heart bypass. And when he's doing that, what's the next demand?

And, again, anyone who specialises in treating OCD will tell you not to participate in/accept the sufferer's rituals/compulsions, because it's actively unhelpful long term.

Washing hands is a must- fair enough. But not being allowed to go to bed in underwear and wearing toilet slippers??? Ridiculous.

YABVU

I’m 45 years old and have only today learnt that ‘Toilet Slippers’ are a thing! I’m assuming it’s cultural and if you and DH share that heritage it maybe wouldn’t be as batshit as it sounds.

I do think you’re OTT but that’s not the question here. If you and DH don’t align and neither are willing to compromise then there is no future in the relationship. I suggest you find someone that’s prepared to go along with the craziness instead

What happens if you’re in bed and you remember you haven’t put the bins out? Does it mean changing back into lounge clothes, then into outdoor clothes?

Do you have to wash your hands before changing back into lounge clothes? If so how do you do that without contaminating the kitchen?

And toilet slippers? How are you managing to get wee on your slippers? And why aren’t you wiping the bathroom floor?

He IS washing his hands. Just not for as long as the OP thinks is necessary. Sounds like the OP wants a pre-surgery scrub

No I don't think he is unclean, I actually think you are asking too much.

Your view on normal hygiene are miles from what other people see. Underwear in bed - as long as he changes it for the next day and showers what is the issue with it?
Toilet slippers at a private home? Sorry, that is too much.

If he changes his fairly normal behaviour, what would be next? The way he does the dishes? Cooks? I think you won't be able to relax around him unless you do serious work on yourself.

I'm exhausted just reading some of this. No outside clothes in the sitting room, must be house clothes, no house clothes in the bedroom, must be bedroom clothes, toilet slippers, guests having to wear house clothes....some posters have OHs with the patience of saints. And a helluva lot of clothes.

exactly.

She’s monitoring him when he goes to the bathroom and then having a go because he’s failed to meet whatever standard she has unilaterally set.

This is abusive behaviour. Even if it’s driven by her OCD, the result is she is actually abusing her husband.

Imagine if your husband was monitoring you when you went to the toilet, telling you what you’re allowed to wear to sleep in and so on. This is not ok.

I don't see the need for toilet slippers unless people are pissing all over the floor and nobody is ever cleaning it up.

Toilet slippers are like sliders Commonly used in SE Asia. Then no chance of walking wetness into the rest of the house

This. YABU. Perhaps there is some truth in the fact that your husband could be 'more hygienic', but he IS washing his hands. You are timing him, and still not happy. As PP have said, you will always find fault, as this is your problem, not his. Things like this can end a marriage, please keep trying to seek help.

I completely agree.

This is caused by a MH issue, but it doesn’t make it any less abusive.

I couldn’t think of anything worse than being in a relationship with a man who thinks I’m dirty and monitors what I do in my own home.

There is a young man who posts about life at home with his parents where his mother has OCD and views him as a contaminant.
His parents use various slippers moving through the house, he isn't allowed upstairs, is limited to certain chairs, a certain part of the table. She hems his trousers so they don't touch the floor.
He is angry and quite antagonistic but it is awful to see his mental health being destroyed.
I dread to think of the impact the OPs attitude to her DH is having on his mental health.

Fuck me, I walk around barefoot in the house, garden, bed. I often wear the same clothes twice. I sleep naked. You’d hate living with me. I am normal

I've not read the replies, only your OP but in the nicest way, it's not normal to worry about it to the extent that you are.

I think you might benefit from speaking to somebody, first step would be GP.

Not me thinking about the fact that I often just sleep in whatever shirt or t-shirt I wore that day xD

You sound unreasonable, yes.

However, he should perhaps put up with some small unreasonable demands, if they are important to you. Eg the toilet slipper thing, probably easy enough to accommodate even if it is unnecessary to him.

On the other hand, if I were him, I might fear things could escalate - with you finding more and more things he should do - if he gives into the original unreasonable demands. So it's tricky...

(Maybe unpopular opinion: I don't really think hand washing is necessary at all after peeing in your own house. Poop only. 😄)

Also re. Toilet slippers. Why are bathroom floors dirty - are people pissing on them? I tend to do it down the toilet. Also urine, you can drink it.

and agree handwashing at home after a quick wee isn’t necessary

I think it can explode can’t it? I think this happened to Henry vIII before they managed to bury him.

If he goes along with your OCD compulsions that will just maintain your OCD. It will be much better for you if he doesn't and you learn to tolerate it. The treatment for OCD is to resist compulsions and tolerate the distress.
If it isn't OCD and you just have different standards then you can ask but he doesn't have to comply, it's up to you whether that's a deal breaker or not.

Nah, they eat you from the inside....

https://www.mcgill.ca/oss/article/general-science/death-our-body-feasts-itself

The myth about Henry VIII is that his coffin leaked postmortem fluid. Nice.

OP do you realise that your behaviour and demands consistently shame your husband for being human? Is that what happened to you in your family, or are the origins of your OCD less direct, do you think? Your mind and nervous system must be on a knife edge so much of the time. The controlling behaviour you display is pushing your husband away, and I wonder why you would need to do that. Your life sounds unenviable, and you must be making your husband miserable. I hope for your own sake and his that you seek professional help before too long.