I view my husband as a contaminant

[Cappuccino17]

I feel terrible saying this but I think my husband is unclean. He showers etc. But I am quite fussy borderline OCD due to past traumas. This is affecting our marriage a lot. I hate him touching things including me as I don't think he washes his hands much or for long enough after visitng the loo.

We had a huge argument recently because i heard the loo flush and he was out in seconds. I had to question if he had washed his hands at all. But i noticed he does a really quick soap rub and rinse and dashes. It has made me feel so uncomfortable but when i tell him he distances himself from me and tells me I'm nitpicking. I don't like him touching things in the home and me as a result and feel on edge. It obviously affects our intimacy too he doesn't understand how much this affects our marriage now because he won't change his actions.
He chucks his clean clothes on the floor and rewears them, he also wears just underwear to bed which i hate and find unhygienic and wish he would wear shorts and lastly he walks in the bathroom barefoot and I've always worn toilet slippers from a young age and he won't listen. It all disgusts me a lot and creates so much tension between us.

Am i being unreasonable?

From what I have observed when with OCD sufferers, lot of the rituals don't in reality achieve the desired effect.

All the 'clean' behaviours being focused on one 'contaminant': not touching door handles except when holding the tissue dedicated to the purpose which is itself filthy. Shared toilet slippers meaning that if one person gets a verruca they all do.

A colleague would ritually lock and re-lock his front door a set number of times but would give his windows no more than a cursory glance.

It is obsessive and compulsive behavior, not having higher standards.

You have OCD. How do you function eg eating out, I guarantee you you'd be shocked and never eat again.

This is very unkind.
OP is stressed and frightened about germs.
She isn't trying to abuse her husband.

I think they thought that followed an explosion and a stray dog licked it up.!

You know you are the problem not him. You don't even like the poor man touching things in his own home! You need to get on top of this or live on your own. Is it any wonder he distances himself from you. It must be a living hell for both of you but you are the only one that can do anything about it. Please go back to your Doctor and ask for help or find a private therapist.

@iwafs

This is very unkind.
OP is stressed and frightened about germs.
She isn't trying to abuse her husband.
A lot of abuse stems from the abuser having mental health problems.

The intention may not be to abuse but the resulting behaviours can still be abusive towards their partner

Never heard of the explosion, altho the body might have expanded in the coffin due to gases - the same is supposed to have happened to William I. I dont think there are any (reliable) sources for an explosion. Coffin leaking is much more likely.

It sounds like your OCD is very severe - I wonder why therapy did not work? Your husband is not doing anything particularly unusual, OP. It sounds like you have always been overly attuned to germs and the potential for contamination. Unless you can make a big change, I dont think this relationship is salvageable - you are basically telling him he is dirty all the time, but unless he goes overboard on hygiene, what he does is not going to be good enough for you. Please consider more therapy and look into whether you think you have OCD or OCPD.

What are "toilet slippers"?🤔

I personally think you’re being unreasonable. You should probably see a doctor as this is not normal.

I do agree much of this very harsh on OP. I know it’s intended to jolt her into awareness but some of it ( except perhaps the toilet flippers) I can imagine thinking but then pushing the thought away. I’d probably notice if someone didn’t wash their hands after the loo and would probably tell dcs to wash them, and maybe even DH if he were cooking or similar. It wouldn’t make me fear them as a contaminant. I also don’t put my own clothes on the ground but I am aware plenty of people do. So I don’t think the thoughts themselves are entirely senseless, it’s just she needs to rein in her overreaction. I do think this is something you are allowing yourself to nurture OP and it will snowball if you don’t pull yourself up. You need some strategies such as asking yourself each ti e you worry when DH last got ill or what do you really think dirty feet down the feet end of the bed is going to result in. Because hounding him when he clearly thinks it’s bonkers is going to result in estranging him: it’s up to you.

It's not borderline OCD, you definitely have OCD. I think you need to concentrate on getting help for yourself and then your relationship with your husband will hopefully improve. You are asking things of him that most people would not do, such as not touch anything in their own home and wear toilet slippers, which I'd never even heard of until just now. Rewearing clothes is normal for most people, especially things like jeans, I don't think most people could cope with what you're asking.

I’m sorry OP , this is a YOU problem and not your husband problem, you need to find ways of coping with your OCD not forcing your husband to comply with your compulsive behaviours .

"Toilet slippers" isn't a normal thing OP.

It's perfectly normal to expect people to be comfortably barefoot in their own private bathrooms.

It was only the “norm in my culture”statement that stopped me feeling certain. Lots of cultures have shoe rules from outside to inside
( but I’ve never heard of inside to bathroom. It would be taxing if you had a uti … )

Yes, this. Absolutely agree.

WTF ? I get up like 10 times in the night to go to the loo, i walk barefoot into the bathroom and back - if you stopped me getting back inti bed after that i would be telling you to f right off

Being upset that your husband doesn't wash his hands enough after going to the toilet? Not unreasonable in the slightest. That's disgusting for most people.

Him only wearing pants but not shorts in bed and not wearing "toilet slippers" in the bathroom for fear of bringing contaminants back in to another room on his feet? He is not unreasonable, I'm afraid. Kindly, this is where you really do need to look in to additional support for your phobias and fears.

For therapy to work you need:

A - the right therapist - maybe last time was just the wrong person for you; and
B - to be of the mindset that you need help.

The fact that you're asking us these questions suggests that you haven't quite grasped that you are behaving differently than others.

Hopefully this thread will help you realise that your reaction to at least some of his habits are out of the ordinary and will help you seek the help that you deserve and can hopefully help you to save your relationship.

YABU and I think it must be v draining for your partner

I really feel for you @Cappuccino17 , OCD is very tough, exhausting and limits enjoyment of life so much. It’s why those of us who know how debilitating it can be are frustrated by the trivialising of it in TV programmes and people saying “I’m a little bit OCD” because they have a tidy desk! Contamination is just one version of it but OCD can be about any intrusive thought or image that is so real and disturbing that a compulsion is present to try and manage the distress. A compulsion can be external ie washing hands or it can be internal ie thinking a “good thought” to overlay a bad thought, so it’s not always obvious.

there are two possibilities about what your problem is:

Theory A: your post belongs in Relationships because the problem is your husband does not attend to hygiene in the way you need because there is such a high risk of contamination. You know the risk is high because you are monitoring his hand washing and he is putting you both at risk. Contamination is very threatening and you need to keep vigilant especially if others won’t. If this theory is correct you’re going to have to be constantly cleaning and monitoring. This will have to continue as the threat of contamination will always remain high and will take up a lot of time and energy and limit life.

Or what about the possibility of your problem having a different basis?

Theory B: your post belongs in the MH section because the problem is anxiety: intrusive thoughts about contamination. The evidence that the problem is one of anxiety is that you respond by decontaminating things around you which takes up time and you are at odds with other people who don’t have the same worries and behaviour around hygiene. There is never a point when decontamination is achieved. To find out whether Theory B is right and this is a problem of anxiety about germs rather than about germs/ contamination itself what would you need to do? Experiment with not decontaminating and see if not doing the compulsive cleaning and monitoring brings about the feared consequence. That would test whether your intrusive thoughts about hygiene are causing problems for you and it’s anxiety driving your difficulties, not a lack of hygiene. What if you don’t clean, don’t monitor cleanliness around you and nothing actually happens? If you were to find out that it is anxiety that’s the problem and with support you tackle that then with the right support you would be able to learn how to respond differently to your thoughts and this would lead to lower stress, more opportunity to enjoy life and easier relationships.

If you found out that every human being has intrusive thoughts from time to time about all sorts of things but the difference between people with OCD and those without is what we do with intrusive thoughts. People struggling with OCD tend treat these intrusive and disturbing thoughts and images as facts, “if I’ve thought it it must be true”, “if it feels bad it must be bad” when thoughts are focussed, constant and disturbing and so believable it’s no wonder we want to try and manage them but those compulsions to wash and decontaminate until “it feels right”, to check, to monitor actually keeps the problem going.

It would be really helpful to get support from a good CBT therapist; one who will be very aware of understanding your problem in the context of your past trauma which is important. They will help you examine your thoughts and in a graded and controlled way help you expose yourself to your fears and respond differently (Exposure Response Prevention).

I know CBT is really hard to access through the GP because waiting lists are long and services are very stretched so it might be worth you looking for a BABCP accredited CBT therapist on the BABCP website or talking to OCD UK about other options while you are waiting. Do make sure any therapist has BABCP accreditation.

You might find a book helpful, it’s called Break Free from OCD by Drs Challacombe and Bream Oldfield and Professor Paul Salkovskis. I really hope you find support to kick the OCD bully out of your life. 💐.

And apologies for such a long thread!

https://www.ocduk.org/shop/break-free-from-ocd/

You sound unbearable and slightly mad to be honest.

Get a toddler or borrow one. They dont care yet survive. Sorry you are going through this. OCD is hard but you can overcome this or make it managable. Good luck.

Think you’re just incompatible. I hate the idea of toilet slippers, often wear pants or nothing in bed and rewear clothes a lot. I’d find your issues really annoying.

This was very interesting. I posted above that these are thoughts I might have but I push them away. To that end I thought of myself as sort of ocd prone but not suffering from it. But I’m sure it is helpful to OP to realise that actually most people have some sort of intrusive thoughts - helpful because the thoughts themselves can be hard to control, however controlling a response is much easier. In other words “full normality “ on her ocd front is actually one step away ( managing intrusive thoughts) not two ( not having them in the first place AND managing the ones that slip thru!)