I view my husband as a contaminant

[Cappuccino17]

I feel terrible saying this but I think my husband is unclean. He showers etc. But I am quite fussy borderline OCD due to past traumas. This is affecting our marriage a lot. I hate him touching things including me as I don't think he washes his hands much or for long enough after visitng the loo.

We had a huge argument recently because i heard the loo flush and he was out in seconds. I had to question if he had washed his hands at all. But i noticed he does a really quick soap rub and rinse and dashes. It has made me feel so uncomfortable but when i tell him he distances himself from me and tells me I'm nitpicking. I don't like him touching things in the home and me as a result and feel on edge. It obviously affects our intimacy too he doesn't understand how much this affects our marriage now because he won't change his actions.
He chucks his clean clothes on the floor and rewears them, he also wears just underwear to bed which i hate and find unhygienic and wish he would wear shorts and lastly he walks in the bathroom barefoot and I've always worn toilet slippers from a young age and he won't listen. It all disgusts me a lot and creates so much tension between us.

Am i being unreasonable?

i'm sorry but you need help.
does his hygiene habits cause him ill health in any form? i doubt it.
unless he works a sweaty job sleeping in his undies is not unusual. IF he likes the comfort fit of his undies maybe suggest a fresh pair at night vs your idea of shorts.
clean clothing worn twice or in the case of denim jeans multiple times is again not unusual and isn't a cause for concern. tops and shirts depends on what it was used for when it was changed. putting on a fresh t-shirt after supper in no way makes it unusable the following day.
hand washing after using the toilet, yes in the case of fecal contamination, yes in a public loo, and yes if you work in the food industry BUT urine is mostly sterile and many people don't wash their hands after emptying their bladder with every visit.
i've NEVER heard of toilet slippers.

I have never heard of toilet slippers, and in my house we are generally barefoot all the time, sleep naked and rewear clothes and I don't feel contaminated at all. I think as other posters have said, your hygiene rules are not basic and I think they are a lot. I don't really see how your relationship can continue like this, it must be awful for you both. I'd definitely try therapy again if you haven't already.

I don't cover the sofa with plastic. The sandals get cleaned after each use. Its not a rule either, everyone I know does this, except indoor/outdoor clothes.

Oh dear, I fear you might find sex too unhygienic then, that is not going to help
your relationship last. I've never even heard of toilet slippers- maybe bathroom slippers, but the purpose of those is more to keep your feet warm from the cold tiles.
I'm surprised your DH can live with you, must be hard for him.
It's your choice to find some therapy that works, or wait until he's had enough and walks. You know it's your past trauma that is the cause rather than him, so it is down to you to find a way to change.
Have you been this extreme from the start of your relationship, or has it got worse for you and him over time?

Even if he changed his behaviour your mind would then present a new issue. The problem with changing behaviour in relation to thoughts like this is that it doesn't make things better, it actually reinforces the idea that there is an issue and your mind will feel justified in its reaction and escalate that worry or find a new thing to latch onto.

I have anxiety, panic attacks and intrusive thoughts, the later to a lesser extent than the former. Most of the loops of unproductive thoughts I get stuck in are about safety. Left something unlocked, didn't put the handbreak on, am going to hit the car ahead when they stop and so on. I know the more times I check and double check the more I need to check to feel reassured.

Your thoughts are impacting your life badly. The answer isnt him changing because even if he could that wouldn't stop the thoughts, they'll find something to obsessively worry over. Gently I would suggest you need to see your GP and get some help with this.

Wow.

@Cappuccino17, I am sympathetic. A family member of mine had crippling OCD. Yours doesn't sound as stressful as hers, but it is interfering with your relationship - and other parts of life as well, I'm sure. It's evidently causing you great anxiety, which will damage your health over time.

You know what resolved it for her? Sertraline! Hard to believe one little pill could make SO much difference, but it did. She'll always be a bit of a perfectionist but, now, completely without the fear, the second-guessing, the anticipatory dread. She's laid back, flexible & adaptable, doesn't worry if some small thing goes wrong and has stopped wanting to control everything.

From what you've said, your marriage is dead in the water. But I'd strongly recommend getting some treatment. Give it a month. See how you feel about your husband then. Good luck

Ok but then you're giving advice that is not relevant to other peoples cultures and customs.

Perhaps your rules are unlikely to ever cause any issues in your culture because everyone has always went along with those customs and they're the norm..so there is no battle with one person claiming the other is unclean or contaminated or whatever.

But I'm Irish and living in Ireland so your rules would be unusual and if one person tried to force them on their partner then that could cause a lot of issues.

The OP said she has OCD so it's not down to culture, in her case it is a mental health issue....and people going along with unreasonable and unusual requests in order to appease someone who has rules due to OCD can do more harm long term than good.

I would try for a different therapy. Did you have CBT?

I think it's important you recognise this is your issue not your husbands.

I have asd, I'm fine with dh (thankfully) I'm not keen on eating food prepared by others and part of that is the hygiene element so I tend to avoid it. I have had CBT in the past to help with other anxieties. I also found hypnotherapy helpful.

I think it's important you recognise this is your issue not your husbands.

I agree

I fully understand that, but my reply was to the poster who was mocking the toilet slippers. My partner isn't from my culture and he follows my way of hygiene in the home, its not forcing someone either, I simply wouldn't continue to have a relationship with somone who found it difficult to follow what I consdider simple house rules, we wouldn't be compatible.

I know you said it's cultural but I was just imaging Hyacinth Boucay' making Richard strip down to his skivies on the doorstep because 'you're not wearing work overalls in here. This house is much too middle class for work overalls'.

Then she gets the garden hose out and gives him a scoosh for good measure.

Then it cuts to him needing to get up for a pee at night and he looks over to check she's asleep. And yes, she is snoring away. So, he ever so quietly... puts his feet...out of the bed. But the second his feet hit the floor she goes 'slippers!'.

So he puts them on and heads through to the bathroom and you see him think about not changing into the bathroom slippers...but she shouts 'bathroom slippers Richard!'.

... ...gosh I'm old.

Apparently Japanese households feature house slippers, bathroom slippers and outdoor slippers for the balcony/terrace. I'm glad I know this because, despite having no OCD tendencies whatsoever, I really wouldn't like to put my bare feet in sandals that might have been worn by somebody else. We all have our quirks, I guess

Expensive Japanese slippers

You may be old, @Pinkbonbon, but you're funny!

That's fair enough.
It was just the language you used, "I don't allow", "I expect" that made it sound like you thought what you say goes.
I agree that it's an incompatibility.

OP, if you ever want to leave your husband, here is your new housemate.

Yes, you are being unreasonable.

You need to address your OCD. Your husband isn't the problem here.

THIS.

The problem here is that you are never going to trust that he has washed his hands long enough or followed the house rules well enough.

This is because you have a condition that is not under control.

I urge you to look for effective help.

Oh that setraline idea might be a winner! Maybe your gp could prescribe something short term to help you feel calmer and see if that makes a difference. No harm in talking to your gp at least.

Or move to Japan!

But if I was your DH one of us would have divorced the other a LONG time ago

He triggers your condition. YOUR condition. He is not the problem. The problem is your OCD which you are responsible for managing with his assistance. It is not all on him to change his life to make your unreasonableness better. Therapy didn't help. Ok. So what else are you trying? What are you doing to manage your anxiety?

I'm curious what is the reasoning for toilet slippers?

I put the toilet lid down before I flush, so I feel like there's not pee or poo particles flying everywhere?

I’m pretty relaxed about everything but funnily enough wearing someone else’s sandals would be pretty gross to me.

Sometimes what's needed is a combination of medication with therapy. Medication can help some people to get the mental space necessary to engage with therapy so that therapy can work. Therapy is highly individualistic and it's often necessary to see the right therapist. Out of 5 psychologists I've seen at various points in the last 25 years there were two who were a good fit for me. Medication is the same, you need the right one for you. It's hard to keep trying when you're struggling with your mental health, but reaching out for help could make a massive difference to your life.

If you're being accurate on the couple of seconds hand washing, then yes I do think that one aspect of his cleanliness isn't good enough. The thing is any valid issues have got caught up with and fed into the larger issue and they're all mixed together now and together they're not reasonable. You need to focus on and deal with your thoughts first not with him.

You admit to being 'quite fussy borderline OCD' which suggests that, deep down, you know that a lot of your fears are irrational.

If you genuinely want to live a happier and more relaxed life then you need to find ways to dial down your anxiety, not enforce your anxiety-driven expectations on your husband.

Speaking as one germophobe to another, the only thing you have mentioned that is a rational concern is not washing hands after using the loo, because of the possibility of fecal contamination. Even here, I'm sure many men will be quick to point out that when they're doing a wee, they've only touched their willy and the flusher, and that you have nothing to worry about!

No-one is getting ill or dying due to not wearing toilet slippers, re-wearing clothes that have touched the floor, or sleeping in undies. Your reaction is excessive and is not adding anything positive to your life.

I have a friend who recently split from his wife, and one of the reasons was being completely worn out with his wife's contamination-based anxieties. Constantly being given instructions about changing clothes, washing hands, not touching this or that, not allowing bare feet to touch the floor, etc etc - she had a justification for every single one of them. He got to the stage where he simply couldn't take it anymore.