I view my husband as a contaminant

[Cappuccino17]

I feel terrible saying this but I think my husband is unclean. He showers etc. But I am quite fussy borderline OCD due to past traumas. This is affecting our marriage a lot. I hate him touching things including me as I don't think he washes his hands much or for long enough after visitng the loo.

We had a huge argument recently because i heard the loo flush and he was out in seconds. I had to question if he had washed his hands at all. But i noticed he does a really quick soap rub and rinse and dashes. It has made me feel so uncomfortable but when i tell him he distances himself from me and tells me I'm nitpicking. I don't like him touching things in the home and me as a result and feel on edge. It obviously affects our intimacy too he doesn't understand how much this affects our marriage now because he won't change his actions.
He chucks his clean clothes on the floor and rewears them, he also wears just underwear to bed which i hate and find unhygienic and wish he would wear shorts and lastly he walks in the bathroom barefoot and I've always worn toilet slippers from a young age and he won't listen. It all disgusts me a lot and creates so much tension between us.

Am i being unreasonable?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I prefer people to be hygienic. I’m lucky in that I’m single but I wouldn’t do well with the handwashing after loo situation. I’m very fussy.

im aware that life is much easier if you can let these things go and not worry so much but it’s hard to change these feelings.

Yes you are. If he followed your rules for above you'd find something else. Have you seen the doctor?

Have a look at the symptoms for contamination-type OCD. (I speak as someone close to someone diagnosed with contamination OCD.)

I want to gently say that obsessing about someone walking through a private bathroom barefoot isn't normal. Your thoughts are causing issues in your marriage. You need to speak to your GP. It gets worse the more you allow your brain to listen to all the obsessive thoughts.

I had ocd and was germphobic in my teens.

Is your husband a main trigger for the intrusive thoughts would you say?

I mean...I could suggest seperate bedrooms and bathrooms, that might help. But I'm not sure that would be enough....I suppose it hinges on if you still love him and fancy him or not?

One other thing to consider is stress. Stress made my ocd ten times worse. I had 2 main stressors. One was school. When I left school my stress reduced and my ocd became at least 50% better.

Is your husband a main stressor? Ir could it ve something else like work and it's just your husband is getting the sort of...backlash of your ocd flaring up because of work stress?

Obliterate/change the main causes of stress and your ocd will likely start to decrease.

Have you had any therapy to help you manage your ocd?

I tried therapy but it just didn't work out as well as i thought.
But i do feel some of the things i ask my husband for might be just normal hygiene but it triggers me much more as i place a lot of importance on it and i clean things and he just goes and messes up all my hardwork. He is my main trigger and main stressor yes. I'm on edge everytime he is around as i think he is unclean. If your partner was like this would you view them as unclean?

Is it helpful in the long run that people go along with your wishes or do you need to learn to deal with those things yourself?

You said 'borderline' OCD so does that mean you don't have it or that you haven't been diagnosed with it and so you haven't tried therapy?

Tbh you do sound quite tedious to live with. Of course if there is past trauma or mental health issues I would be understanding to a point, but at the same time I wouldn't be able to put up with someone starting a huge argument with me because they didn't think I washed my hands for long enough or going on and on at me trying to enforce a rule that I wear bathroom slippers.

I seeked therapy via the doctor yes. My husband says the exact thing you said. Id find something else and he feels he's following rules. But then he wonders why I'm so unaffectionate so i had to tell him it's because of his hand hygiene it never went down well and now we are just cold and distant.

I think you are being very very unreasonable. I have never heard of anyone wearing toilet slippers in my life - I am always barefoot indoors and don't possess a pair of slippers, let alone toilet slippers! It's no wonder your husband distances himself from you.

Honestly no.
The truth is that most people don't wash their hands properly.
Lots of people rewear clothes depending on what type they are, or just wear underwear to bed and I've never heard of toilet slippers in my life.

He doesn't necessarily sound unclean to me.

But the thing is, it doesn't really matter whats acceptable to us. What matters is that you can't live with it.

I do think it sounds like it's largely your ocd speaking.

If I'm honest though, I would probably look to end this relationship. Or at least, take a break where you live elsewhere.

He's not doing anything wrong but...I don't see how your mental healtcnaan improve I you are around around your main trigger 24/7.

It's also not fair on him. I don't think it'll do his self esteem any favours to have his partner view him as gross, do you?

Could one of you live elsewhere for a while and see if that helps things? If he's willing to do that for you.

I personally got over the germphobia aspect of my ocd in part, via exposure therapy. For example, refusing to wash my hands even when I really wanted to. Until the urge to do so past. Or, setting a timer for 10 minutes and doing something else to take my mind of it until then.

But I had to do this in a less stressful time of my life. I couldn't have done it if I was constantly around the cause of my stress. I did have to push myself and it is wasn't fun...but I felt in a healthy place energy wise...as I'd left school and my life was calmer than it had been in a while.

Also you've reminded me,one of my biggest issues with ocd germaphobia - terror at the idea of being barefoot in a hotel bathroom. Even for years after all the other issues had gone, I couldn't do that. I'd have to get out of the shower and straight into shoes.

It was the biggest 'I've finally done it' when I was alone on holiday (a good few years back now) and felt no real worry about walking on the hotel floor.

So...I'd say its likely you're in the grips of ocd. Not just borderline ocd. It makes things seem really icky when infact, they're probably fine. And even if they aren't...they won't actually cause you harm.

I wonder how you ended up married to a man who gasp walks barefoot in the bathroom? Sounds like it's your OCD which has got worse, not your husband's hygiene (which sounds perfectly normal).

I think what you are asking for is basic hygiene. I personally couldn't cope with someone not using house slippers and separate toilet slippers. I expect that from anyone who visits me, but its also the norm in my culture. Walking barefoot in the house/toilet and then getting in bed is just gross to me. To be honest, I don't think you are asking for much. I don't allow outisde clothes indoors either and I expect my partner to get changed into bedroom clothes, so no lounge clothes in the bedroom. I also expect my partner to wash his feet & shower as soon as he gets in the house and change into indoor lounge wear.

That sounds like a lot... if you don't allow outside clothes in the house, what about guests? Do they have to shower and change when they visit? Do you provide guests with slippers and expect them to use toilet slippers as well? (which I also have never heard of, I don't even own a pair of normal slippers as my feet tend fo
overheat so I'm usually barefoot in the house)

You have house slippers and toilet slippers?

I have OCD and you and OP sound like you have it as well.

You're basic hygiene is not basic. And forcing others to conform will only amplify your OCD.

Op, you need to focus on getting help, possibly meds, and overcoming your triggers.

Trust me, I get it. I've been medicated for years and was diagnosed at 17. This is unfortunately about your mental illness and not your dh.

I started to parody this and then i realised, duh, it already WAS a parody.

You lost me at toilet slippers?????

I ask guests to remove shoes and wear beach sandals (we have loads) they are easy to wash, which I do after they leave. No, I don't ask them to shower lol, but I do cover the sofa with seat covering becasue the sofa is for indoor clothes only. I don't think its a lot to ask, sometimes I do provide house clothes to my guests, thats only to people I'm close to if they are staying for the whole day.

Not allowing something only works if your partner is in agreement or will willingly go along with what you say.
I wouldn't go along with that kind of thing just because a partner tried to tell me I wasn't allowed to do this or that in my own house and enforce those kinds of rules

I'm sure this thread would be better off in Mental health, not Relationships.

But here's relationship advice : with no children involved, it may be worth splitting up. The rights or wrongs of any individual situation don't really matter when there are irreconcilable differences at play. Relationship should feel nice, what's the point otherwise!

Tbh I was wondering where they change into the toilet slippers? Outside the toilet?
Half way between the bath and the bog? What's the etiquette there? Lol.

I know its reasonable to expect a degree of cleanliness from those you live with. But, your preoccupation with hygiene is way beyond a normal range, and it is making you miserable and ruining your relationship.

The problem is how you think and behave and not who you live with.

You have said you did not get on well with therapy. The other line of treatment would be via medication, which can be highly effective. See your doctor

You see, I would find it disgusting to be asked to wear slippers that other people have used. And be rather insulted to have to sit on plastic. Your rules do sound a lot, even if they work for you and your laundry pile must be enormous!

But the differences result from a mental health issue. I dont think divorce is the best line of treatment for it.

Different cultures have different customs, in my culture the toilet sandals will be right at the entrance of the toilet. You will remove the house sandals at the toilet door and slip into toilet sandals.