I view my husband as a contaminant

[Cappuccino17]

I feel terrible saying this but I think my husband is unclean. He showers etc. But I am quite fussy borderline OCD due to past traumas. This is affecting our marriage a lot. I hate him touching things including me as I don't think he washes his hands much or for long enough after visitng the loo.

We had a huge argument recently because i heard the loo flush and he was out in seconds. I had to question if he had washed his hands at all. But i noticed he does a really quick soap rub and rinse and dashes. It has made me feel so uncomfortable but when i tell him he distances himself from me and tells me I'm nitpicking. I don't like him touching things in the home and me as a result and feel on edge. It obviously affects our intimacy too he doesn't understand how much this affects our marriage now because he won't change his actions.
He chucks his clean clothes on the floor and rewears them, he also wears just underwear to bed which i hate and find unhygienic and wish he would wear shorts and lastly he walks in the bathroom barefoot and I've always worn toilet slippers from a young age and he won't listen. It all disgusts me a lot and creates so much tension between us.

Am i being unreasonable?

This

No I wouldn't see them as unclean.

You need professional help op.

Toilet slippers .... what on earth are they?
Seriously you do have a problem and you do need help. I hope you are able to find that help and improve your quality of life and that of your partner.

What the fuck are toilet slippers?

I wiuld divorce you and fight to make sure I had primary custody of any children. You need to see a dr and get help if this is real.

Yes you're being hugely unreasonable. The problem is you not your husband. You have a mental health issue and you're allowing it to affect him. Imagine how damaging it must be to him to be told he is dirty all the time.

You need to go back to the doctor and try therapy again. Why didn't it work out as well as you thought last time?

If you don't fix this obsession with being "unclean" it is most likely going to build up into more or switch to some other fixation.

Reading this make me feel like a right dirty fucker 😱

Here’s a thing: There are more bacterial cells in your body than human cells. You are literally a walking scaffold to move an army of bacterial cells around. The cleanest you could ever get would remove an unmeasurably small percentage of bacterial cells from you. If you succeeded in removing all bacterial cells then you would die of starvation or infection relatively quickly.
And bathroom slippers? WTF?

Hand washing I think you have a good point. The others, I don’t think you do. I have never heard of toilet slippers before 😁

@Jerusalemaa

Some posters have already mentioned Japan, it's the same for Koreans and many Asian and African countries. I am from western Africa and shoe etiquette is the same. Have also been to many muslim homes who would offer you house sandals and they will have separte toilet sandals too

It really isn't normal for Korean culture

Wearing house shoes, yes
Changing into home clothes, yes
Changing into bedroom clothes? Do you mean pyjamas or another set of clothes just to hang around in the bedroom? Pyjamas yes, extra set of bedroom specific lounge clothes, no.
Toilet slipper, no
Cover sofas, not that I have ever experienced short of the very old who went through the Korean War. Like all war survivors there are some peculiar behaviours. They also didn't put covers in when guests came. They had hovers on sofas all the time. This generation is very old now

Literally it's just home clothes and slippers. That's it. No multiple showers. No extra things for specific rooms.

OP meant kindly, your title says everything. You see your dh as a contaminant.

I think you do realise you are being unreasonable. You are going way beyond good hygiene.

Firstly I think accepting and communicating that the problem is your illness not your dhs behaviours will go a long way.

There will be no intimacy, emotional warmth or any sort of relationship whilst you treat your dh and he feels like a contaminant

Jesus poor bloke

If your partner was like this would you view them as unclean?

No I wouldn't.

And I'd find your demands to be very controlling and intrusive if you were making them of me.

OP I think you need your speak to the GP again.

Are you serious? He walks in the bathroom barefoot and that's an issue? Jesus Christ if a man was talking about a woman like this you'd all be calling him controlling.

I think you need to split up.
I don't think you are wrong about wanting everything to be clean.
I don't think he is wrong about just wanting to get on with his life without worrying (though, to be fair, used underwear - no!)
So it looks like you aren't compatible.

if someone insisted on covering their sofa so I didn’t ’contaminate’ it by sitting on it, I simply wouldn’t visit their house ever again. It’s outright insulting.

I don’t agree that the description of this is just ‘cultural’. Insisting that there are outside clothes, house clothes, lounge clothes, bedroom clothes and various assorted slippers with changing rituals to cross the threshold of rooms, and issuing some guests with not just guess slippers but also guest house clothes and insisting they change - and covering your sofa to avoid their contamination - is likely to be extreme in any culture.

This isn’t just having a no shoes/slippers only house. Or even just ‘bathroom slippers’ in addition to that. It sounds massively arduous to anyone who is misfortune enough to cross your threshold.

Dressing up OCD as ‘culture’ doesn’t make it not OCD. You can tell by the language used that it’s about one person being in control and everyone else following their rules.

It’s very hard to live with someone with OCD who wants to embroil you in their illness and make you responsible for ‘managing’ it by conforming to (ever more restrictive) rules.

The only answer is admitting that it’s actual OCD. Not fussiness and borderline OCD. And seeking proper treatment. Sometimes we have to recognise that we are ‘the problem’ because of untreated mental health issues. The only thing that can improve the situation is treating those issues.

It doesn't sound like your husband is the problem 😕 your OCD is the problem and you need to get help with it.

I don't think I could live with you, if I were your husband I would want a divorce.

OP I can sympathise. I'm not super clean or OCD but DP has really poor personal hygiene (forgets to brush teeth, never goes to dentist, always spills food down his front and often has food in his beard) and it has had a massive impact on our relationship. I've come to think of him as a bit gross/unhygienic which means I don’t want to get close to him which means no sex. I've tried talking to him about it but nothing changes.
You have my sympathy.

wearing the same pants to bed he’s worn all day and not washing hands fully after the loo are a bit grotty but in all honesty the problem is more likely your OCD. He showers regularly and wears clean clothes so he can’t be that unclean. And what the hell are “toilet slippers”?

He should be respectful of your concerns about hand washing after using the loo. That is a basic hygiene issue. He isn’t being respectful and that is triggering to you and sparking a cascade. You know you have work you need to do for your OCD however he isn’t respectful or understanding of his part in this for the handwashing and the knock on effects.

Try to find a new therapist that can actually help you. OCD can be part of the ASD and ADHD spectrum and some therapies for NT don’t work so well for those with ND and also, that aside sometimes the therapist isn’t particularly skilled or there isn’t a good working relationship so there’s many many reasons to find someone new to help support you. I would also suggest that your DH and yourself have some sessions together as it doesn’t sound like he’s respecting your issues (I am focussing on the hand washing which is a very reasonable request) and you both need to learn to communicate about this as it is eroding your relationship

sorry to add I hope you can get help because if this was a woman posting from the POV of your husband she’d be told her partner was abusive and to leave, and I wouldn’t disagree.

You only have to look at your header OP to see that your view of your husband isn’t normal.
You obviously have problems with OCD which need to be addressed as soon as possible if you wish to save your marriage. It’s no life for your husband to live in such a way and be under such constant pressure.
Its not advice you need, its treatment I would urge you to speak to your doctor.

OP, in the kindest possible way, you know this is a 'you' problem.

He doesn't sound unclean in the slightest, and I imagine it must be really hard for him living his normal life and being nitpicked for things not important to him.

I don't really understand OCD very much, but what do you thinks going to happen if he doesn't wear shoes in a bathroom? Literally nothing will happen even if 'germs' do happen to transfer elsewhere, we used to live in houses with animal manure packed into the walls and floors - we live in the most clean and clinical times of human existence!

Germs/bacteria are a fact of life that we live in day in, day out - yes I'd be pissed if my boyfriend did a number 2 and not wash them, that's disgusting - but a number 1, yeah I'd be a bit uncomfortable but not enough to cause an argument about it.

Things I would be annoyed with is if somebody smelt of BO, or didn't ever shower, but he really does sound very normal. In terms of cleanliness, consider how other people live in all walks of life and get by fine.