I view my husband as a contaminant

[Cappuccino17]

I feel terrible saying this but I think my husband is unclean. He showers etc. But I am quite fussy borderline OCD due to past traumas. This is affecting our marriage a lot. I hate him touching things including me as I don't think he washes his hands much or for long enough after visitng the loo.

We had a huge argument recently because i heard the loo flush and he was out in seconds. I had to question if he had washed his hands at all. But i noticed he does a really quick soap rub and rinse and dashes. It has made me feel so uncomfortable but when i tell him he distances himself from me and tells me I'm nitpicking. I don't like him touching things in the home and me as a result and feel on edge. It obviously affects our intimacy too he doesn't understand how much this affects our marriage now because he won't change his actions.
He chucks his clean clothes on the floor and rewears them, he also wears just underwear to bed which i hate and find unhygienic and wish he would wear shorts and lastly he walks in the bathroom barefoot and I've always worn toilet slippers from a young age and he won't listen. It all disgusts me a lot and creates so much tension between us.

Am i being unreasonable?

It’s his home and he should be able to relax. What about his rules ? You only talk about your own and yet you share a house?
you need help and support and therapy, as your expectations are not normal.

We have OCD in our family - including myself. Did you feel this way when you first met your husband? Or did it develop over time.
Have you also looked into female autism - OCD is a response to anxiety and can be stand alone but we have found a lot of autistic woman in our family express their anxiety as OCD.
Also, I put off giving my daughter the anti depressants for her intrusive thoughts for years. It is one of my biggest regrets as because when OCD rules get further developed its hard to reduce them.
OCD is very rule driven but the rules are not always consistent. Do you find you are less worried about your husband's hygiene in different circumstances? ie like when on holiday?
My husband's hygiene is very different to my own. Having watched another OCD member of my family consider another family member contaminated....I think you have an up hill battle to climb unfortunately. But if you don't act your relationship will be irreparably damaged. Although speaking from experience, I suspect your OCD will not be happy with the hand hygiene of most people.
Have you tried hypnotherapy?
Unfort the best way forward with OCD is to expose yourself to the thing you are most worried about as much as you can until you get used to it. But I am guessing you know this.

I think your husband's hygiene sounds normal. Rewearing clothes, walking barefoot in your own bathroom, sometimes washing hands quickly etc are all fine in my opinion. I do think you should seek some help about this (no shame in that).

You're going to wear out his love and understanding at some point. I certainly would not live with what he has to. You need to look for more treatment.

Yes you are unreasonable because your issues are related to your mental illness. If you can't find therapy that works why would you want to stay in this marriage that's causing you so much stress?

Apart from not washing his hands after going to the toilet, I can’t really see what he’s doing wrong. More therapy might be helpful.

my home

He presumably pays the bills as well as you. It is also his home.

You have a problem but it is not your husband. How would you cope with a baby - not at all?

Your ocd is making you unreasonable. What type of therapy did you do and how long for?

You sound really stressed and from what you say he is too. I really feel for you but it seems your marriage will soon be ending as your outlooks are so different.

Remember he is not your trauma and so can’t be solely responsible for managing it. Please see your doctor who should be able to point you in the direction of sources that will help you manage it.

I see now that you're already distant with each other. Not really a surprise. This is a mental health issue, but do you even want to stay married? Hope you find some therapy that works. Must be very difficult living with this condition.

Yes, YABU. Its your OCD affecting your marriage, not his cleanliness (all his 'habits' fall into the realm of the norm). You don't seem to have insight into your obsessions either, which is why therapy hasnt worked. How often are you washing your hands, and how long do you spend cleaning?

You need to speak with your therapist about your OCD. It is obviously not under control. If the therapist agrees I would get your husband involved - perhaps he can make some temporary adjustments to help ease your anxiety while you are working on getting well so that you can focus on improving.

But yes, it’s unreasonable to be so upset about someone walking barefoot in the bathroom. Humans have immune systems and trying to avoid any and all germs is impractical, unhealthy, and unnecessary. This is your mental illness controlling you.

YABU.

what you describe is way beyond normal hygiene. Your husband obviously resents being controlled in this way. If you are telling him you can’t stand him being near you because he is unclean, then expect your marriage to end.

I can relate, I am OK with my husband most of the time but have real issues with other people in the house and can't relax when we have guests until they have gone and I can clean. Being barefoot around a toilet is quite gross if you think about it. I don't walk barefoot on hotel floors ever, I always use slippers when I'm away. My issues were triggered by PTSD and get worse if I am stressed

He doesn’t sound unhygienic to me, really what harm could come from wearing pants in bed or rewearing clothes? And I’ve never heard of ‘toilet slippers’ and I think you know this because if he was as unhygienic as you’re imaging he’d have infections and be unwell more than is normal, which I presume he isn’t.

I’d listen to this poster OP and so many others here.

Your DH isn’t at all unusual in the things you describe. I can relate to you stressing about them as I also don’t like things being put on the floor that will be reused. However I constantly remind myself to keep perspective as worrying too much about hygiene is a tunnel to no quality of life whatsoever.

Has DH got really ill recently? I think that’s what you need to focus on in deciding if his way of doing things is untenable or grossly unhygienic. You have chosen to marry him as he is and if his practices don’t make him ill, maybe think of him as your Guinea pig for loosening up a little. Otherwise you will destroy your marriage.

Re specific practices mentioned, toilet slippers are nonsense. Accept your feet won’t be the cleanest part of you, but that’s manageable: just don’t put them on your pillow/ on the table you eat from etc.

Re hand washing , it is good practice and I routinely do it but the truth about loos is they are far from the dirtiest part of our home. Provided he isn’t actually coming in contact with faeces ( which most adults manage not to do when toileting) hand washing is actually belt and braces. We teach it to children as good practice and I think that’s why so many of us are programmed to think if we leave the loo without washing our hands we will be struck down by the Germ God on departure. His phone is probably far filthier.

What's the issue with barefoot in the bathroom? Are you peeing on the floor?

Your poor dh.
You need help, OP. Seriously.

Your dh sounds normal to me. We never evolved to live in a sterile world. I couldn’t live with your rules-walking barefoot in the house is a no? He sounds very patient.

What are toilet slippers? Do you mean normal slippers? Unless your bathroom floor is filthy which I would imagine it isn't given your need for cleanliness why is it a problem to walk on it barefoot? You sound a bit obsessive. Not washing hands after using the toilet is gross but your husband sounds normal to me.

Well, yes you are being unreasonable but that’s because you’re mentally unwell.

What did the doctor suggest?

Your H sounds perfectly clean enough to me. My house is tidy, I have a cleaner once a week, I ensure all dishes are done or in dishwasher every night and surfaces wiped down. If something spills I wipe it etc.. I’d consider my house normally clean and tidy.

I have wood floor downstairs and a dog who goes where he likes. I have no idea what toilet slippers are. I wash my hands after the loo but it’s definitely sometimes a splash and dash, I wear a nighty and no underwear to bed, I often rewear yesterdays jeans that live overnight on a chair. My DP would clean less than me!

Kindly it sounds like your isssues are the problem here!

I think you need to decide what’s more important.

Cleanliness or your husband.

Do you work?

As a microbiologist @Cappuccino17 i can tell you yes he needs to wash his hands but that’s about it. You will not be able to decontaminate your home to the level you think you can…we shed approx 400,000 skin cells per minute NOT moving, the air is full of contaminants so opening the door or window for any amount of time introduces a host of microorganisms, the air we breathe is full of them. Most cause no harm. We do so much in pharmaceuticals to decontaminate and stop this spread in our graded areas where medicines are made and we are still sometimes not successful! It’s that hard!