I view my husband as a contaminant

[Cappuccino17]

I feel terrible saying this but I think my husband is unclean. He showers etc. But I am quite fussy borderline OCD due to past traumas. This is affecting our marriage a lot. I hate him touching things including me as I don't think he washes his hands much or for long enough after visitng the loo.

We had a huge argument recently because i heard the loo flush and he was out in seconds. I had to question if he had washed his hands at all. But i noticed he does a really quick soap rub and rinse and dashes. It has made me feel so uncomfortable but when i tell him he distances himself from me and tells me I'm nitpicking. I don't like him touching things in the home and me as a result and feel on edge. It obviously affects our intimacy too he doesn't understand how much this affects our marriage now because he won't change his actions.
He chucks his clean clothes on the floor and rewears them, he also wears just underwear to bed which i hate and find unhygienic and wish he would wear shorts and lastly he walks in the bathroom barefoot and I've always worn toilet slippers from a young age and he won't listen. It all disgusts me a lot and creates so much tension between us.

Am i being unreasonable?

He washes his hands but not long enough- partially fair. I sitting on shorts and u dewar to bed, less so. I think maybe instead of picking on everything, work out one that matters more- because several of your gripes are unreasonable. Maybe instead of piling them all up so that they all seem y reasonable, you could ask him for a compromise on one- the hand washing?

Your OCD is out of control and your demands are irrational and controlling. Your DH isn’t doing anything wrong but I’m sure he must be exhausted and frustrated by your rules and monitoring. You need to get a grip on it or you will lose him.

I wouldn't wear someone else's sandals either, nor would I expect my guests to wear one. I give them clean sandals and they get washed after they leave, thats why I mentioned beach sandals as they are easy to wash and dry.

I’ve lived in cultures where toilet slippers are a definite thing, and indoor outdoor slippers , and indoor outdoor clothes. It’s hard to get your head round if you are from an outdoors shoes inside kind of culture. I’m still not keen on outdoor shoes inside.

but…if that’s not your cultural background, this seems a lot to impose on your partner.

Sorry OP, you are the one with the issue here, not your DH. I couldn't live with someone like you.

If my husband was you I would have not married him, you are being unreasonable and very controlling and saying it is OCD etc. does not change that

I cant beleive he has put up with it for so long

What culture is this? Genuinely intrigued

YANBU AND YABU.
YABU about slippers bathroom and last paragraph
But YANBU first part..my ex was damn dirty ugh... wouldn't even wash hands 🤢...therefore everything had knock on effect... wouldn't eat anything he cooked...he would also touch everything with food on his fingers... his personal hygiene was bad too..b.o...teeth...re wearing stinky clothes...a lot more. Id had enough.

Beyond unreasonable, wtf are toilet slippers? 😂

You would die in my house, I can't wash my hands every time I have a wee as I have eczema on my hands 💀

Some posters have already mentioned Japan, its the same for Koreans and many Asian and African countries. I am from western Africa and shoe etiquette is the same. Have also been to many muslim homes who would offer you house sandals and they will have separte toilet sandals too.

Toilet slippers????

Um, wash your hands after going for a piss ya dirty mare.

Yes you can. Wash with emollient. Revolting to do otherwise.

I think if I was from one of those cultures, I'd have to take my own house slippers and toilet slippers everywhere - I wouldn't want to put my feet into other peoples shoes!

OP, as others have said, you aren't being reasonable (apart from the hands washing after using the toilet) and this is your OCD speaking. I assume you don't have children as their hygiene habits would presumably be intolerable?

You are being very unreasonable and if you don't ger the help you badly need you will drive him crazy over time.

My sister had OCD as a teenager and it was do draining living in a house with her, don't do this, don't do that, etc. Not her fault but still exhausting. Ironically, she would end up catching more coughs and colds that the rest of us.

Your constant prompts will suffocate him.

You are the issue her not him.

Hi @Cappuccino17
i just had to post (I don’t post much). My DP has OCD so I can say from the other side how difficult it is living with someone with it. However he has had intense therapy, is on medication and put a huge amount of work into following his therapy. He has been stable for a few years, but I know that’s because he continues to work at it and is still on meds. I’m very proud of him.

anyway I say this kindly, but you sound very much in the grips of it. Wearing underwear to bed, not wearing bathroom slippers and touching stuff in the house is all totally normal. I expect even the handwashing you are worried about - you are nitpicking. I’m a microbiologist and my DP used to get really cross I wasn’t washing my hands with enough soap etc. Bit honestly he was being ridiculous! So I suspect whatever your DP does won’t be enough.

Please get some help. But having said that I know it requires so much more of your own effort too. Are you on meds?

Your partner isn’t unclean from what you have described. He’s just a normal human being.

I had never even heard of toilet slippers until you mentioned them.

I think you need to try therapy again before you end up divorced. The issue is your OCD, not his behaviour.

I can’t see your relationship surviving unless you find some therapy which works but it doesn’t sound like you want to tbh.

He's normal.
You have (severe?) OCD.
If you don't change, this marriage is dead.

Op it doesn't sound like your ocd is borderline, it sounds intrusive and it's affecting your relationships. You need to go back to the gp and seek more treatment.

It is perfectly normal for people to research clothes again, even if they have been on the floor in your bedroom....this is not going to make anyone ill, it's not like we all go about licking each others clothes. We aren't designed to live in a sterile germ free environment.

Very much this. Does he know how disgusting and "contaminated" you find him?
Am assuming he does as can't imagine there's much physical touch or affection given your thoughts of him.
Although I agree with pp who said it's not relationship advice you need it's treated.
I do hope the posters here have helped you see how unfair and irrational you are. Just because someone has mh difficulties that shouldn't mean they can behave and treat people appallingly.

lastly he walks in the bathroom barefoot and I've always worn toilet slippers from a young age and he won't listen

This is not normal.

I’m afraid this is a you problem.

Some of you you just have airlocks on entering your houses and the garb up like we do in pharmaceutical companies when entering clean rooms 😂

I'm going to tell my husband about your 'toilet slippers' so he won't think I'm being naggy moaning at him for flushing the toilet without closing the lid!

If one type of therapy didn't work for you, try another.

YABU- your risk perception is off.
like he washes his hand after going to the toilet but its not for long enough.
how many dangerous germs would he have from having a wee with good wipe technique.

i am actually a professional in the ‘germ’ field so chain of infection is my bread and butter. I walk bare foot in to my toilet. I will not get any illness from doing this. Sometimes there are clothes on the floor that I re wear. Again I can’t get an infection from this in my house.

you are thinking in a very binary state here but putting a jumper on what? Clean carpet? What exactly are you thinking you’re going to catch.

im sorry but I think you need some help here to separate reasonable adjustments and precautions, with the unreasonable fear related practices. Good luck. My DM is open if you want to chat infection.