Giving up on men

[Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain]

I think I'm giving up on relationships/dating. After seeing someone recently who just turned out to be just like all the rest of them I've figured a lot of men, especially now, really aren't worth it. Especially when you get to my age which is early 50s. Or you're forced to look at men who are late 50s/60s, no thanks.

OP I hope you don't mind if I ask something on this thread - I can start my own if you feel I'm hijacking.

As we are being honest here, I am wondering....does anyone think a man can be trained to be better at house work and stuff?

I recently broke up with one and he's still going on about how much he loves me and wanting to get back together.

One of the reasons I thought we were not compatible is that he is very undomesticated, very untidy flat etc and very disorganised.

He does have ADHD, diagnosed from childhood.

He seems to get on fine at work. The tasks he does, he does perfectly - and when he really goes for cleaning his flat you could eat your dinner off the floor! He never left a mess at my house or anything.

He is in his 30s. And I get the impression he would make an effort to change if I asked him, but I feel really uncomfortable asking someone to change. I wouldn't change anything if I was asked to, so it seems only respectful to extend that courtesy to someone else.

I'd be interested to know what you all think. In other ways, he's really lovely. I suppose I'm at a life stage where somebody has to be absolutely brilliant in order for me to be bothered. I'm going to guess that many women here have tried this sort of tactic and it doesn't work and is it rude to ask someone that? I am very polite. If he actually says "what would it take for us to get back together" then I suppose I can bring it up. He thinks love conquers all - I do not!

@MopeyDopey In my experience a lot of men will leech off the labour of the women around them as much as possible. I don’t think it’s even intentional, I think from a young age they (predominantly) see women taking care of them and therefore develop an automatic assumption that the women around them either want or just have to do things for them.
In previous relationships when I have asked a partner to take on what I perceive to be their share of the household tasks, they seem to perceive it as doing it “for me”, as though its a kindness to me. You will possibly find that he will try to do more to please you but ultimately it will decrease again over time as he is just doesn’t really see it as his responsibility

Well all that's illegal now so next time I receive this abuse, I'll be making a call to the police. See how the dickheads like that...

Men are going down the pan, in general. The good ones seem to be few and far between (and even the ones who appear alright, often eventually show what they're really all about).

I honestly think there are now so many women who will never be in a relationship again because it's so soul destroying (and maybe impossible) trying to find a decent bloke.

@LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls Yeah I suppose that's where I see it heading. we weren't together for very long so it was a case of visiting each other's homes, but I've got an impression of laziness from him. I had to plan dates as well. He was very easy-going and would agree to whatever I said.

He was absolutely fine over here. Kept his stuff very neatly. Always offered to do cleaning here, cook and so on.. but tbh wasn't very good at it!

So yeah I just can't see that going terribly well ..unless I actually say directly, you need to be better at this stuff. Previous boyfriends have been very domesticated, so i'm thinking if it doesn't come naturally, it's going to be a hard slog. And might not work!

I think it they have to be that way from the beginning.

For example, a small child with basic tasks like cleaning their room, picking up toys, and then adding more responsibility as they get older, such as taking care of a pet by themselves, cooking meals for the family. In other words, regularly doing things for other people.

The ones that I've seen have that happen seem to have a different attitude that they are part of a household. They just see the household task as things they need to do rather than somebody else's chore, that they're doing them a favor.

@FrenchFairytale I also met someone online but it took him 2 years to finally show the real him. He turned out to be a complete liar. That was 2015 and I've been single since. By choice.

Only seen this now. Yes, men can be trained to do work but as some pps have said, some men resent this or feel like they're expected to do it as a favour.

You could talk to him but he might not change.

All the men I've known/dated have always been able to clean their homes and keep them tidy or get a cleaner to do this. There have been ones who don't do this too. My DB e.g. he's been taught how to do housework from a young age and that it's equal for men and women to do this so that's what he's always done, cleans the flat for his wife if she's working or vice versa. If their mothers did all this for them or didn't expect much in terms of housework then I tend to find this carries on into adulthood and is harder to change.

Brill reply! Love a bit of sarcasm to bat back!! 😁

Very sensible!!

I no longer have any interest in even speaking to another man. They wear me out with their odd behaviours. Cannot be bothered.

I'm genuinely baffled at how there are so many dreadful men out there, and that these guys are always in a relationship, yet I'm now eight years single with no prospect of that changing. Now I'm not saying I'm some amazing catch at all but I'm none of the awful things that I see women complaining about all the time. It's a circle I just can't square.

I know it wasn't intended but it makes me laugh cos I've seen all this myself. Its never their fault, can look like dog sh*t, live like alley cats themselves but still feel they are in a position to judge. It's really funny If it wasn't so bloody disappointing and rude....