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Original poster

WWYD odd situation with ex wife

231 replies

BeingIrked · 20/03/2024 07:27

I'm going to try and be brief, so happy to answer any questions.

To give some background...

I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years and recently got engaged.

He was married for around 20 years and they divorced 12/13 years ago.

Following that, he was in a relationship for several years which ended before he and I got together. We were friends (as part of a social group) for a few years before we got together and I knew his most recent ex.

He is amicable with his ex wife and they have adult children together.

He plays in a band. I used to go and see his band play and his ex wife didn't go to any gigs but since we have got together, she turns up to nearly of them. Despite having a partner, she has made it very clear that she would like to get back with him. This is something she never did when he was with his ex although he was aware that she would have reconciled if he'd wanted to.

I'm not worried that he is interested in any way, but my issue is this.

When she comes to gigs, she behaves in ways that she used to when they first split up. She dances in front of him whilst he is on stage and openly videos him. Just him - not the band. She has her phone upright (rather than landscape to catch the whole band) and is standing so close to him in front that she will only be filming him.

I think this is a bit odd. My exh has a performance based hobby and I would have no interest/think it a bit inappropriate, to go and see him. I wouldn't be standing in front of him filing him.

Anyway, all of this is a bit odd but what I really don't like is that she stands there staring aggressively at me. I did speak to her the first time I met her and she was absolutely fine with me. Their kids were there too and I thought it was odd that she went but she was with the kids. She was perfectly fine with me but did speak to me as though she had 'ownership' of him and was 'allowing' us to be together.

Now, she turns up without the kids and does the same - dancing and videoing him but just standing there staring at me stony faced. I've tried smiling at her, tried talking to her again and she just blanks me whilst staring at me. On a couple of occasions she's been stood on her own 6-10 feet away from me just standing and starting at me.

He doesn't have her as a friend on SM but his profile is open. He blocked her last summer because she posted a comment on one of his posts when we were on holiday last year. It wasn't a friendly, "Looks great, have a lovely time," comment to us both but more 'territory marking'. He didn't like it and blocked her.

He wants me to go to his gigs. I like going to them, but I really don't enjoy this open hostility. Being watched all evening with someone standing 6 feet away staring at me isn't how I want to spend my Saturday nights if I'm honest with you.

She tends to only turn up to gigs at a couple of venues but they play at them quite a lot. Would it be unreasonable of me to to just not go to these gigs? Of course, this doesn't take its account the times she might turn up at other venues.

He wants me to go and because he doesn't see this behaviour, he doesn't really get how unpleasant it is.

OP posts:
Stormbornform · 21/03/2024 21:41

An ex of my DH used to do this when we first got together. Turn up everywhere, stare, follow us etc. I tried being nice, she wasn't interested. We stopped it by drinking up and moving on whenever she turned up. Once we had literally just sat down. She arrived. I looked at DH. We both downed our drinks and walked off immediately. She got the hint eventually.

Original poster
BeingIrked · 22/03/2024 12:48

Stormbornform · 21/03/2024 21:41

An ex of my DH used to do this when we first got together. Turn up everywhere, stare, follow us etc. I tried being nice, she wasn't interested. We stopped it by drinking up and moving on whenever she turned up. Once we had literally just sat down. She arrived. I looked at DH. We both downed our drinks and walked off immediately. She got the hint eventually.

I think it would be easier if we could do that too.

I'm going for a drink with one of my colleagues after work. She's quite no nonsense so I might run what I'm going to say by her and then speak to him this evening.

They've asked me to dep for them at another gig so it needs to be sorted before then anyway.

OP posts:
GenevièveSapha · 23/03/2024 06:53

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 20/03/2024 08:38

If you allow her to bully/intimidate you in this way, what will be next?

Exactly...

Fabulousdahlink · 23/03/2024 07:00

It sounds very much like a exw issue and that he gives her no encouragement at all. He plays in a public venue and so can really not control the behaviour she displays. Asking the venue to bar the ex will only a knowledge her presence and her attention seeking behaviour.

Whilst it is very openly hostile to you, she isnt actually doing anything wrong by attending the gig and filming him. She's not breaking any laws by stating at him ( or you, sadly)

You and your partner are sensible people and you know there is no reason to be threatened by her odd behaviour, but it could become an issue if you join in 'playing her little games'. Dont dignify her strange behaviour with a response. Carry on as you have been, and pity her. You have what she had, and lost and cannot get back. You have the man the talent and his love. She lost all that 20 years ago. She only gets to see what she missed by paying to watch the show. How dreadfully sad.
Let her have her couple of hours at the show. Dont rise to the baited trap she is clearly trying to engineer a response. I find being excessively friendly and jolly is a far more annoying response to people who dislike me. It is far more effective ! Dont waste any more head space or energy or game playing or sarcasm with this woman. Dont acknowledge or respond to her. She's jealous and that is a 'her' problem. Dont let it become yours. Carry on going to the gigs and blank her and her weirdness.

GenevièveSapha · 23/03/2024 07:07

If I were in that situation I would get a restraining order on her. If she comes anywhere near you or your fiancé... call the police.

You shouldn't have to put up with being creeped-out by a stalking Ex. As another poster mentioned... 'What will be next'...

Also... as another poster said... their kids are adults now. There is absolutely no reason why there should be any contact with her, or her partner. She is intentionally Intruding on your life.

Personally... I would put a stop to it immediately.

Good Luck... 🫂

tinytim2016 · 23/03/2024 07:27

I would literally go as you know his eyes would find you instead of her. I would be dancing and filming my man too. Nothing worse than being pushed out and maybe she needs to wake up and realise she's no longer part of his life in same way, he's moved on but doesn't seem she has. Good luck

GenevièveSapha · 23/03/2024 07:32

'Whilst it is very openly hostile to you, she isnt actually doing anything wrong by attending the gig and filming him. She's not breaking any laws by stating at him ( or you, sadly)...'

Oh yes she is... there are Stalking laws. She is blatantly stalking the OP and her Fiancé.

ZombieGirl86 · 23/03/2024 08:04

You clearly have made your mind up. But keep not wanting to 'make big deal out of it' solves nothing. Not talking to your DP either is a mistake. You clearly have some insecurities in your relationship if you think you cant discuss something like this.

Dont roll over on this, at least explain to him. At the moment she is challenging you by being there everytime. If shes going to escalate beyond staring she would of by now.

The best stretegy is to keep going thats a grey rock itself. Eventually she will see your not going anywhere.

Stop going, shes.made progress and she might double down and escalate

HulaChick · 23/03/2024 08:13

I think you should keep going - if you stop, she'll (in her weird mind) will consider that a victory on her part. Give her an inch & she'll take a mile.

Boobylicoous · 23/03/2024 08:39

You should film her videoing him everything or get someone to do it n each time show him then he can see how obsessive she is with him. Sitting him down n telling him that it's getting to you would be advisable. I do feel for you and I probably would not go as much and he needs to know this. He needs to take responsibility for your feelings. If he can't see her videoing then ???

Kitkat1982 · 23/03/2024 09:16

BeingIrked · 20/03/2024 07:27

I'm going to try and be brief, so happy to answer any questions.

To give some background...

I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years and recently got engaged.

He was married for around 20 years and they divorced 12/13 years ago.

Following that, he was in a relationship for several years which ended before he and I got together. We were friends (as part of a social group) for a few years before we got together and I knew his most recent ex.

He is amicable with his ex wife and they have adult children together.

He plays in a band. I used to go and see his band play and his ex wife didn't go to any gigs but since we have got together, she turns up to nearly of them. Despite having a partner, she has made it very clear that she would like to get back with him. This is something she never did when he was with his ex although he was aware that she would have reconciled if he'd wanted to.

I'm not worried that he is interested in any way, but my issue is this.

When she comes to gigs, she behaves in ways that she used to when they first split up. She dances in front of him whilst he is on stage and openly videos him. Just him - not the band. She has her phone upright (rather than landscape to catch the whole band) and is standing so close to him in front that she will only be filming him.

I think this is a bit odd. My exh has a performance based hobby and I would have no interest/think it a bit inappropriate, to go and see him. I wouldn't be standing in front of him filing him.

Anyway, all of this is a bit odd but what I really don't like is that she stands there staring aggressively at me. I did speak to her the first time I met her and she was absolutely fine with me. Their kids were there too and I thought it was odd that she went but she was with the kids. She was perfectly fine with me but did speak to me as though she had 'ownership' of him and was 'allowing' us to be together.

Now, she turns up without the kids and does the same - dancing and videoing him but just standing there staring at me stony faced. I've tried smiling at her, tried talking to her again and she just blanks me whilst staring at me. On a couple of occasions she's been stood on her own 6-10 feet away from me just standing and starting at me.

He doesn't have her as a friend on SM but his profile is open. He blocked her last summer because she posted a comment on one of his posts when we were on holiday last year. It wasn't a friendly, "Looks great, have a lovely time," comment to us both but more 'territory marking'. He didn't like it and blocked her.

He wants me to go to his gigs. I like going to them, but I really don't enjoy this open hostility. Being watched all evening with someone standing 6 feet away staring at me isn't how I want to spend my Saturday nights if I'm honest with you.

She tends to only turn up to gigs at a couple of venues but they play at them quite a lot. Would it be unreasonable of me to to just not go to these gigs? Of course, this doesn't take its account the times she might turn up at other venues.

He wants me to go and because he doesn't see this behaviour, he doesn't really get how unpleasant it is.

Are you sure your partner isn't giving her reason to be territorial!?

Kitkat1982 · 23/03/2024 09:21

BeingIrked · 20/03/2024 14:27

They split up because she was engaging in casual sex with other men. He instigated the divorce. I don't think she expected him to actually leave. He said she never gave him or his partner prior to me any issues but he did say that he always got the impression her attitude was "fair enough, I cheated and this is your payback but we'll be back together eventually." Which explains why she messaged him when he and his ex partner split up saying 'so when are we getting back together then?' He ignored it. I think she sees me as the obstacle to them being together.

OK, to answer a few questions/clarify things.

She messages him. He doesn't reply.

When he gives me the phone, it's not to reply to her. But I do see that she has messaged. He doesn't reply. If it's occasionally something he has to reply to, it's only ever an 'OK' acknowledgement unless it requires more. They don't converse about anything. He doesn't initiate contact. But she will message him to tell him stuff. Not replying doesn't make any difference.

They haven't had sex. That's just not even a concern.

She would get in touch a lot in the early days of us being together to ask him for favours things like staying at her house to babysit the dog if she went on holiday or to fix things in the house. He refused and put boundaries in place. These weren't things she did before I was on the scene. She doesn't do it anymore as far as I know.

I have told him about the staring and ignoring, when it's happened and what its looked like. I've not told him how it makes me feel. It's irritating and I feel like I'm being watched constantly (because I am). It's just uncomfortable.

I've tried 'nice-ing' it out. She just ignores me and stares at me.

I really want to just say that I'm not going to the next gig and tell him why when he asks. I don't talk to him about it and I don't want to make a big deal out of it. And, yes, as someone else said, I'm worried about being seen as the problem because I'm the one making a big deal out of it.

Show quote history

Men can reply and delete. I think he's been sneaky I really do. Just because you don't see his replies doesn't mean they were not there. If he didn't want her to msg he would block her its as simple as that. He would tell her if its to do with the kids then you phone not msg. He's been sneaky believe me and that's why she's acting possessive

Kitkat1982 · 23/03/2024 09:24

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/03/2024 12:12

Occam's razor - she's like this because they've been intimate again.

Exactly what I think! It's staring her in the face but she doesn't want to see it.

Original poster
BeingIrked · 23/03/2024 09:48

Appreciate the replies.

As for him giving her encouragement or whatever, I know it's easy to say but I really don't think it's that. I also understand why people are suggesting it. It might well be the case that him not shutting her down when she asked about getting back together that makes her think he's open to it.

I'm really not a head in the sand, "not my nigel" type but I would be absolutely gobsmacked if he'd gone back to her in any capacity and that would obviously be the end anyway.

Besides, if he had done anything to encourage her, he wouldn't want us in the same room given he'd know what she could potentially say. I know I wouldn't!

I haven't brought it up yet because I know he's going to be disappointed. I'm just kicking the can down the road. I know that.

I understand why people are saying to go anyway. I spoke to my friend last night and told her pretty much what I put in my op.

She said she'd also stay away. She said that presumably he'd prefer me to be there but if I go, I can say it bothers me as much as I like but it'll look no different to him.

She thinks it's 'fucking weird' that she goes at all. Add to that the dancing, filming and staring.

She also said she's clearly spoiling for some sort of fight. If I go and say nothing then I'm still going to be uncomfortable, she won't stop and it won't impact him at all.

If I say/do anything (laugh, challenge, film her staring) then I'll have been the one to escalate it, which is how I see it too.

OP posts:
Concannon88 · 23/03/2024 09:58

BeingIrked · 20/03/2024 07:27

I'm going to try and be brief, so happy to answer any questions.

To give some background...

I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years and recently got engaged.

He was married for around 20 years and they divorced 12/13 years ago.

Following that, he was in a relationship for several years which ended before he and I got together. We were friends (as part of a social group) for a few years before we got together and I knew his most recent ex.

He is amicable with his ex wife and they have adult children together.

He plays in a band. I used to go and see his band play and his ex wife didn't go to any gigs but since we have got together, she turns up to nearly of them. Despite having a partner, she has made it very clear that she would like to get back with him. This is something she never did when he was with his ex although he was aware that she would have reconciled if he'd wanted to.

I'm not worried that he is interested in any way, but my issue is this.

When she comes to gigs, she behaves in ways that she used to when they first split up. She dances in front of him whilst he is on stage and openly videos him. Just him - not the band. She has her phone upright (rather than landscape to catch the whole band) and is standing so close to him in front that she will only be filming him.

I think this is a bit odd. My exh has a performance based hobby and I would have no interest/think it a bit inappropriate, to go and see him. I wouldn't be standing in front of him filing him.

Anyway, all of this is a bit odd but what I really don't like is that she stands there staring aggressively at me. I did speak to her the first time I met her and she was absolutely fine with me. Their kids were there too and I thought it was odd that she went but she was with the kids. She was perfectly fine with me but did speak to me as though she had 'ownership' of him and was 'allowing' us to be together.

Now, she turns up without the kids and does the same - dancing and videoing him but just standing there staring at me stony faced. I've tried smiling at her, tried talking to her again and she just blanks me whilst staring at me. On a couple of occasions she's been stood on her own 6-10 feet away from me just standing and starting at me.

He doesn't have her as a friend on SM but his profile is open. He blocked her last summer because she posted a comment on one of his posts when we were on holiday last year. It wasn't a friendly, "Looks great, have a lovely time," comment to us both but more 'territory marking'. He didn't like it and blocked her.

He wants me to go to his gigs. I like going to them, but I really don't enjoy this open hostility. Being watched all evening with someone standing 6 feet away staring at me isn't how I want to spend my Saturday nights if I'm honest with you.

She tends to only turn up to gigs at a couple of venues but they play at them quite a lot. Would it be unreasonable of me to to just not go to these gigs? Of course, this doesn't take its account the times she might turn up at other venues.

He wants me to go and because he doesn't see this behaviour, he doesn't really get how unpleasant it is.

Hes sounds dismissive and I'd have a bigger problem with that tbh. Their children are grown up, they don't need to have anything to do with each other anymore, why can't he tell her to fuck off and if she continues its harassment and he'll inform the police????

Original poster
BeingIrked · 23/03/2024 10:09

I think he's being passive rather than dismissive, which probably isn't much better.

He doesn't really want to confront it because he doesn't want to cause trouble. He doesn't want his kids to be put in a difficult position.

He sees her as being stupid rather than harmful.

Essentially, he's doing exactly what some people are suggesting I do - ignore and carry on regardless; hopefully she'll get the message.

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 23/03/2024 10:39

If the kids are also going to gigs - and see mum staring at dad. Dancing right in front of him. Videoing only him. Then surely they will also feel it’s a bit weird.

these aren’t children. They are adults. And as adults they should be able to have some empathy and understanding about the situation being separate to their relationship with their parents if dad has a polite word with mum.

becauseidonwantto · 23/03/2024 10:41

God some people are bloody weird.

Obvs you need to tell him how it’s affecting you.

I had sthg similar once… though the girl was in her early twenties so immaturity played a part. She was a bit unhinged. The passive fiancé is a common factor. She eventually gave up but yes it was bloody annoying!

I hope she soon gives up!

Original poster
BeingIrked · 23/03/2024 10:44

TheCatterall · 23/03/2024 10:39

If the kids are also going to gigs - and see mum staring at dad. Dancing right in front of him. Videoing only him. Then surely they will also feel it’s a bit weird.

these aren’t children. They are adults. And as adults they should be able to have some empathy and understanding about the situation being separate to their relationship with their parents if dad has a polite word with mum.

I don't suppose they'll have given it much thought tbh.

I think that one of the reasons he'll have ignored it so far though is that so far he's used the reasoning that, because the kids are there, she's having a night out with them.

Except I know that neither is attending the next one and she still is.

When I queried why he thought she'd started going again after all this time he just said, "She always used to go and she likes the music."

Well she managed without going for the past 10 years or so, so why now? He couldn't answer that.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeingIrked · 23/03/2024 10:47

becauseidonwantto

It smacks of people pleasing to me and, unfortunately, I find that a very unattractive quality in someone

Usually, because the only person not being pleased is the person who should be the people pleasing person's priority.

OP posts:
Richconstance · 23/03/2024 10:50

Chrisfromcardiff I agree that letting him read through this thread is a great idea 💡

Teenytrish · 23/03/2024 10:52

Hmm I have a friend divorced for nearly 38 years but stalks her ex on FB and compares herself to his wife! He has moved back to Scotland and now lives near their son. On NYE they had a party and she was invited. She claimed her ex stared at her longingly etc, yet photos only showed him staring at his wife of 30 years! A friend and I pointed this out but we we wrong and she " knows " he wants her back etc etc. What I've concluded is , she still loves him and can't let go and is deluding herself. Nothing anyone else says gets through to her. Her ex even had words with her about how happy he is with his wife and how he wishes she'd find someone but she claims he's just saying that because he can't admit how he feels! Until this woman faces up to the fact that her ex has moved on, no longer loves get, she will stay deluded. Your guy needs to tell her to go and to stop coming to gigs etc , unless of course, as suggested, he's enjoying the attention!

Original poster
BeingIrked · 23/03/2024 10:59

Teenytrish

Bonkers! Tbh, thats reminded me, I know a woman who has a crush on a married man and she believes it's mutual.

She has also shown me photos as evidence showing that he is gazing at her but they show nothing of the sort. She is gazing at him but, she's shown me photos where he's not even looking in her direction!

If he is enjoying the attention then fine. I don't have to be there 🤷🏻‍♀️

He knows me well enough to know that, once I've made a decision, I'll stick by it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeingIrked · 23/03/2024 11:10

Richconstance · 23/03/2024 10:50

Chrisfromcardiff I agree that letting him read through this thread is a great idea 💡

Tbh, I'd be too embarrassed to admit I'd posted! 😅

I am going to tell him what our mutual friend said and what my friend/colleague said though because they, helpfully, each took the two main positions of responses here - one advocated for challenging; filming and ultimately humiliating his ex. The other advocated for removing myself and letting him see the consequence of him not dealing with it.

Neither suggested I just kept going and ignored it.

OP posts:
Richconstance · 23/03/2024 11:48

OP what a shit situation though!

I'd be the same, not wanting to come across as the trouble maker, so what I'd suggest is being (what seems) your normal lovely, "cba with drama" self and explain calmly to your parter that you don't want to come across as the dick/cause problems (all the things you've mentioned) but you're feeling super uncomfortable, and are going to just remove yourself from the situation...

She is an absolute asshole and is making a tit of herself.... you're probably doing the right thing by just removing yourself from the situation and not antagonising the situation, you know she'd turn it into a "poor me" situation and try and make it look like you're the asshole 🙄

Do keep us posted, and good luck!

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