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Original poster

WWYD odd situation with ex wife

231 replies

BeingIrked · 20/03/2024 07:27

I'm going to try and be brief, so happy to answer any questions.

To give some background...

I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years and recently got engaged.

He was married for around 20 years and they divorced 12/13 years ago.

Following that, he was in a relationship for several years which ended before he and I got together. We were friends (as part of a social group) for a few years before we got together and I knew his most recent ex.

He is amicable with his ex wife and they have adult children together.

He plays in a band. I used to go and see his band play and his ex wife didn't go to any gigs but since we have got together, she turns up to nearly of them. Despite having a partner, she has made it very clear that she would like to get back with him. This is something she never did when he was with his ex although he was aware that she would have reconciled if he'd wanted to.

I'm not worried that he is interested in any way, but my issue is this.

When she comes to gigs, she behaves in ways that she used to when they first split up. She dances in front of him whilst he is on stage and openly videos him. Just him - not the band. She has her phone upright (rather than landscape to catch the whole band) and is standing so close to him in front that she will only be filming him.

I think this is a bit odd. My exh has a performance based hobby and I would have no interest/think it a bit inappropriate, to go and see him. I wouldn't be standing in front of him filing him.

Anyway, all of this is a bit odd but what I really don't like is that she stands there staring aggressively at me. I did speak to her the first time I met her and she was absolutely fine with me. Their kids were there too and I thought it was odd that she went but she was with the kids. She was perfectly fine with me but did speak to me as though she had 'ownership' of him and was 'allowing' us to be together.

Now, she turns up without the kids and does the same - dancing and videoing him but just standing there staring at me stony faced. I've tried smiling at her, tried talking to her again and she just blanks me whilst staring at me. On a couple of occasions she's been stood on her own 6-10 feet away from me just standing and starting at me.

He doesn't have her as a friend on SM but his profile is open. He blocked her last summer because she posted a comment on one of his posts when we were on holiday last year. It wasn't a friendly, "Looks great, have a lovely time," comment to us both but more 'territory marking'. He didn't like it and blocked her.

He wants me to go to his gigs. I like going to them, but I really don't enjoy this open hostility. Being watched all evening with someone standing 6 feet away staring at me isn't how I want to spend my Saturday nights if I'm honest with you.

She tends to only turn up to gigs at a couple of venues but they play at them quite a lot. Would it be unreasonable of me to to just not go to these gigs? Of course, this doesn't take its account the times she might turn up at other venues.

He wants me to go and because he doesn't see this behaviour, he doesn't really get how unpleasant it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeingIrked · 20/03/2024 21:07

YouOKHun · 20/03/2024 20:50

Perhaps her problem with you specifically is that she has detected you might be more of a permanent fixture and now that’s confirmed her hopes are properly dashed.

it is going to become “a thing” between you if you avoid telling your partner in a very direct way how unsettling it is and that he needs speak to her. The fact he doesn’t witness it doesn’t mean it’s not a problem. It’s up to him to put boundaries in place with his ex and tell her the behaviour is unacceptable. It might not stop the behaviour but she needs a much clearer and firmer message from him about it so she can see he’s backing you up and she’s losing currency with him. I think you should keep going and ignore her behaviour (tricky), try and stick with friends and if you do bow out of one evening make sure it’s the evening he has a word with her.

If he’s not prepared to be very firm about her being in the past and in backing you up then to quote an MN favourite “you’ve got a Fiancé problem”.

You're right.

It's just irritating that it's necessary.

It would be so much better for everyone if she could just be civil. Then there'd be no need for anyone to have a word with anyone!

OP posts:
Original poster
BeingIrked · 20/03/2024 21:10

SleepPrettyDarling · 20/03/2024 21:06

Get a tshirt printed with ‘stop staring at me, you weirdo’ on the front and ‘stop filming, you weirdo’ on the back

Some of these suggestions are helping!

I think some of you are more ballsy than me 😁 I'm not afraid to stand up for myself, I just think this is potentially a more sensitive situation.

And, like I say, who needs the drama on a Saturday night? I don't really want to be next week's gossip if I'm honest.

OP posts:
Bluegray2 · 20/03/2024 21:31

I would ignore her and go to as many gigs as you want, your partner has made it clear he has no interest in her so she is wasting her time and making a fool of herself …..she also sounds a bit jealous of you

altmember · 20/03/2024 21:42

she messaged him when he and his ex partner split up saying 'so when are we getting back together then?' He ignored it.

He should have replied with "never" at that point. Clearly deluded, but she's interpreted no reply as there being a chance of them reconciling.

When she stares at you just smile back at her, like the cat that got cream. I wouldn't approach her and challenge her on why she's staring, that's very confrontational and likely to lead to an escalation. I also wouldn't not go because of her staring. That's exactly what she wants to happen.

tiredandabitfat · 20/03/2024 21:44

@BeingIrked I can see why you are so frustrated.

I get that if you ask him to put boundaries in place, it looks like you are the one causing problems.

Also, that she will probably just ignore any boundaries he does try to put in place.

What an absolute headache for everyone.

I don't really have an answer, but, for one, I would go to the other gig this time. The one you will have more fun at. Just go and enjoy yourself and forget about her for a change.

Going forwards, obviously go to his gigs. I would get a friend to video her when she's staring at you in the hostile manner. Friend can be as subtle or unsubtle as they want, but you can pretend to not notice them doing it.

Or you could look at your friend quizzically, then look at the crazy ex, then roll your eyes and shrug in exasperation, in a kind of "oh ffs, that woman's doing that thing again, like were talking about", then just carry on with your evening.

She'd have to have the skin of a rhino not to be mortified by that.

As an aside, your social life sounds lovely.

aussietrina · 20/03/2024 21:59

Get him to dedicate a song to her, I recommend Taylor Swifts "We are never getting back together"!

Original poster
BeingIrked · 20/03/2024 22:06

tiredandabitfat · 20/03/2024 21:44

@BeingIrked I can see why you are so frustrated.

I get that if you ask him to put boundaries in place, it looks like you are the one causing problems.

Also, that she will probably just ignore any boundaries he does try to put in place.

What an absolute headache for everyone.

I don't really have an answer, but, for one, I would go to the other gig this time. The one you will have more fun at. Just go and enjoy yourself and forget about her for a change.

Going forwards, obviously go to his gigs. I would get a friend to video her when she's staring at you in the hostile manner. Friend can be as subtle or unsubtle as they want, but you can pretend to not notice them doing it.

Or you could look at your friend quizzically, then look at the crazy ex, then roll your eyes and shrug in exasperation, in a kind of "oh ffs, that woman's doing that thing again, like were talking about", then just carry on with your evening.

She'd have to have the skin of a rhino not to be mortified by that.

As an aside, your social life sounds lovely.

Thank you. Yes, it is hard.

Also that's the thing with boundaries - they're about what you will accept. But how you you enforce boundaries with someone in this situation?

He can set out his expectations but has no way of enforcing anything.

I can enforce a boundary by saying that I don't want to deal with it so I won't go to any gigs she'll be at, whether he'd like me there or not.

He then has a choice as to whether he says anything to her or not but he has no means of managing her behaviour. I think the likelihood is she'll just become more belligerent and persistent. I think she's more likely to give up if I'm not there tbh than if I go and ignore her.

Thanks. It is, mostly 😁

OP posts:
Original poster
BeingIrked · 20/03/2024 22:07

aussietrina · 20/03/2024 21:59

Get him to dedicate a song to her, I recommend Taylor Swifts "We are never getting back together"!

😁 now that's just mischievous!

And not really in keeping with the rest of the set! 😁

OP posts:
Original poster
BeingIrked · 20/03/2024 22:08

I don't really have an answer, but, for one, I would go to the other gig this time. The one you will have more fun at. Just go and enjoy yourself and forget about her for a change.

I think I will, thanks.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 20/03/2024 22:13

How about you film her staring at you? Every time she starts get your phone out and let her see you are filming her.

2024please · 20/03/2024 22:25

I wonder what her partner thinks about it all?

Original poster
BeingIrked · 20/03/2024 23:14

2024please · 20/03/2024 22:25

I wonder what her partner thinks about it all?

I've wondered that myself.

He's either oblivious or he just doesn't care.

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 20/03/2024 23:26

She's embarrassing herself 🙈 if I were you, I'd just look over at her and laugh. She's obviously trying to intimidate you so stopping going to his gigs would be giving her exactly what she wants. Just go and act like she's not there. When he comes off stage go and give him a big snog 😂

Original poster
BeingIrked · 20/03/2024 23:41

It wouldn't give her what she wants though.

If what she wants is to be with him, she's not going to get that.

So what she wants to do is stare at me. If I'm not not there, she can't.

It's not going to remove me from his life, it is going to mean she can't be a dick though.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 20/03/2024 23:44

@BeingIrked, are you by chance the couple who were plagued by a thirsty woman in your social group (not an Ex) who wouldn’t stop acting out and vying for his attention on your nights out? I think I recall that some of the group were connected to a band. His M.O. was to ignore and swerve her when possible, but she was relentless and he never would set definitive boundaries with her.

SilverTay · 20/03/2024 23:53

They didn't do a gig in Worcester recently did they?

SheerLucks · 20/03/2024 23:56

Cripes, how awful.

She clearly sounds utterly deranged and insanely jealous of you. I guess take that as a compliment in the short term.

But the only thing you can do is act as if you just don't care, and eventually she'll back off. It may take some time but stick with it.

Try and make sure you either go with friends or meet friends there, and just basically make her feel irrelevant. She'll eventually get the message.

So sorry you're having to deal with this!

RetroPhonics · 21/03/2024 02:52

I can see why you've decided not to go his gig OP, but I strongly urge you to reconsider. I used to be extremely conflict averse and have been in these types of situation before, where I have avoided attending things to try and swerve the drama and keep away from the nonsense, in the hope that they'd forget about me and back off. But ultimately it doesn't work because you can't avoid this person forever. Unless you make a strong stand and try and nip such behaviour in the bud, she will find other more inventive ways to get your partner's attention; perhaps her WhatsApp messages will ramp up or she'll start some bs gossip about you, in order to reach her ' goal ' whatever that may be. Sometimes the only way to deal with these situations is to fight fire with fire. Stand up to her, hold your ground, don't let her un nerve you, make your presence known ( in a non aggressive manner obviously!) and that you're here to stay. Be consistent and she'll get the message eventually.

Codlingmoths · 21/03/2024 03:04

I think I’d get a friend to film her- less aggressive than you standing there filming her, but might be useful for him to see.

StinkyWizzleteets · 21/03/2024 03:33

My partner was vocalist in a band. He would get and be oblivious to a lot of groupie attention and it is really uncomfortable to stand on the sidelines watching these women try to get with your bf. I do get that and how irritating it can be. It’s worse when it’s someone you or he knows and I Can’t imagine how awkward it must be when it’s his ex wife.

For those claiming a boyfriend problem, your bf is just doing his job in a public place. He can’t stop a gig to tell her to go away. He can ask her to stop coming but if his band is a local band rather than a national touring band then they’ll want it to look like they have as many fans as possible and his bandmates may not want him to be kicking our regular fans. You have to remember who he is on stage isn’t the same person you’re in a relationship with. That’s a performance persona and it’s unrelated to you, your feelings and your relationship.

Tge woman is bullying you and you need to stand up to her. Can you not speak to her current partner and ask how he feels about her behaviour? Get him to rein her in a bit? Or speak to security and say she’s not allowed at the gigs anymore. Most security are used to having to deal with groupie stalkers and the singers long term girlfriend does tend to hold a bit of weight.

Ultimately it’s another world. Real life rules
dont really apply, even or especially in the local band scene. I’m guessing your partner is no spring chicken and is probably hoping for the big break still. Middle aged musicians trying to ‘make it’ are delusional. It’s all manners of fucked up but if the beef is berween her and you that’s who has to sort it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/03/2024 03:43

Film her back when she is staring but make sure she can hear your narration

"Here she is...doing it again! Hi Anna!!! Why are you staring?!" And laugh.

Original poster
BeingIrked · 21/03/2024 07:08

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/03/2024 03:43

Film her back when she is staring but make sure she can hear your narration

"Here she is...doing it again! Hi Anna!!! Why are you staring?!" And laugh.

I don't think this would embarrass her, I think she'd escalate it in response with a more direct and aggressive confrontation.

I don't really want to antagonise the situation in any way.

I've also got to consider the long term implications. Eg If his children get married in the future, etc, I don't want to effectively exclude myself from family events by being seen as the one to trigger an escalation.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeingIrked · 21/03/2024 07:09

StinkyWizzleteets

We both play in bands, we both know the score.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeingIrked · 21/03/2024 07:14

Codlingmoths · 21/03/2024 03:04

I think I’d get a friend to film her- less aggressive than you standing there filming her, but might be useful for him to see.

That's a good point but I don't really want to sacrifice an evening to it. It's essentially what my friend has suggested we do.

Maybe I'll feel differently next time. Maybe I'm just not really in the mood for dealing with it right now.

I don't know.

OP posts:
woahhhh · 21/03/2024 07:28

@Missamyp

What exactly do you want him to do about it?
She's obviously quite determined to undermine the current relationship at all costs. This isn't uncommon.
Funny how Mumsnet tries to make this a man problem and not the problem of a clearly infatuated ex who happens to be a woman.

I'd expect him not to minimise OPs distress by saying he's never seen it. I'd expect him to make it bleedingly obvious in every possible way that he is with OP, dedicate songs, be extra tactile when he's off stage, ignore the ex more.
I'd expect him to hold ex to account and tell her to back off
I'd expect him to have OPs back.

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