WWYD odd situation with ex wife

[BeingIrked]

I'm going to try and be brief, so happy to answer any questions.

To give some background...

I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years and recently got engaged.

He was married for around 20 years and they divorced 12/13 years ago.

Following that, he was in a relationship for several years which ended before he and I got together. We were friends (as part of a social group) for a few years before we got together and I knew his most recent ex.

He is amicable with his ex wife and they have adult children together.

He plays in a band. I used to go and see his band play and his ex wife didn't go to any gigs but since we have got together, she turns up to nearly of them. Despite having a partner, she has made it very clear that she would like to get back with him. This is something she never did when he was with his ex although he was aware that she would have reconciled if he'd wanted to.

I'm not worried that he is interested in any way, but my issue is this.

When she comes to gigs, she behaves in ways that she used to when they first split up. She dances in front of him whilst he is on stage and openly videos him. Just him - not the band. She has her phone upright (rather than landscape to catch the whole band) and is standing so close to him in front that she will only be filming him.

I think this is a bit odd. My exh has a performance based hobby and I would have no interest/think it a bit inappropriate, to go and see him. I wouldn't be standing in front of him filing him.

Anyway, all of this is a bit odd but what I really don't like is that she stands there staring aggressively at me. I did speak to her the first time I met her and she was absolutely fine with me. Their kids were there too and I thought it was odd that she went but she was with the kids. She was perfectly fine with me but did speak to me as though she had 'ownership' of him and was 'allowing' us to be together.

Now, she turns up without the kids and does the same - dancing and videoing him but just standing there staring at me stony faced. I've tried smiling at her, tried talking to her again and she just blanks me whilst staring at me. On a couple of occasions she's been stood on her own 6-10 feet away from me just standing and starting at me.

He doesn't have her as a friend on SM but his profile is open. He blocked her last summer because she posted a comment on one of his posts when we were on holiday last year. It wasn't a friendly, "Looks great, have a lovely time," comment to us both but more 'territory marking'. He didn't like it and blocked her.

He wants me to go to his gigs. I like going to them, but I really don't enjoy this open hostility. Being watched all evening with someone standing 6 feet away staring at me isn't how I want to spend my Saturday nights if I'm honest with you.

She tends to only turn up to gigs at a couple of venues but they play at them quite a lot. Would it be unreasonable of me to to just not go to these gigs? Of course, this doesn't take its account the times she might turn up at other venues.

He wants me to go and because he doesn't see this behaviour, he doesn't really get how unpleasant it is.

I'd join the band - is what I'd do. Even if it was just to bang a tambourine or sing a few words occasionally, and I'd stand reallllly close to him so she had to film me too.

Some of these suggestions are really good. And I understand why people are making them. Some of them aren't practical but I get the sentiment behind them.

I think what makes it harder is that I've lost a lot of confidence in myself over recent months.

A few years ago, I would have been (and was) a lot more assertive and 'in your face' if someone was disrespectful to me or caused problems but I've just lost a lot of that now. It's unpleasant and stressful and I like to keep my life quiet and drama free.

I'd rather just let other people get on with it and remove myself from the situation.

I just keep trying to imagine how it will look to him.

His ex didn't have a problem with her - because she didn't cause a problem then. But will he see that? Their paths never crossed.

His ex wife's partner doesn't seem to have a problem with her going to the gigs so it's just me. Except that it isn't her going to gigs that is the issue.

He doesn't have a problem with it, it's just me.

No one else has any issues with any of it and hasn't for the past decade+. It's just me.

I'm not going to tell him to block her. Or to say anything to her. I'm not going to start asking public places to ban her.

I'm just going to tell him that I'm not going to any of the gigs at venues she attends and why. It's up to him to choose what to do with that information.

I'm bored and tired of thinking about it and trying to work out what to do for the best.

She’s ‘territory marking’ and sounds completely batshit.

Personally I would just ignore her (she’ll soon get bored). Rise to her crazy behaviour and you are furling her fire.

Remember - you can’t control her actions, but you can control how you behave.

Would going up to her & saying
"Will this bullshit stop once we are married ?" We're not in school.
I didn't take him away from you, you did that all on your own.
You have a partner, just jog on & enjoy your life"

He doesn't have a problem with it, it's just me

That's the bit I don't get. Given this is important to you - and it's obviously batshit, scent-marking behaviour from his ex that's causing you to be upset ( and justifiably so) - then I can't really understand why he's not getting really annoyed with her and telling her to sling her hook off his own bat.

Just say to her partner, "Doesn't it bother you that she's still wanting to get back with P, even though she's with you? She cheated on him - does she really think he'd want her back?" I doubt her partner is aware of their reason for breaking up.

He doesn't know it bothers me. I presented as a bit of have you seen her, the loon.

I probably appeared a bit bemused by it but not bothered. What I mean is that her presence doesn't bother him personally. So if he does say anything at some point, it will be for me and not because he doesn't like it. He's not bothered.

Remember - you can’t control her actions, but you can control how you behave.

Tbh, that's why I want to stay away and not stand in front of her filming her or laughing at her.

And she is territory marking.

It's why she messages so often even though he ignores her and why she replied to alone when she commented on a sm post that he posted.

He's notnher territory. He's not mine either. He's his own person who makes his own choices.

I think to get it out of your head you need to tell you do very clearly what's going on, how it makes me feel and what you plan on doing. Eg
Hi do, I've been giving a lot of through to your last gig. Your ex was staring at me constantly, when she wasn't filming you, the staring came across as agreeing and upset me. Even x and y noticed and asked why she was behaving like that. I've thought through the options and I've decided I'm not going to any events where she's said she'll be attending. I still fully support you and will miss watching you but she upsets me and frankly worries me.

Sorry but I agree somethings fishy.

id be interested to hear her side of this (though I do think she’s acting batshit)

You can go to a different gig for any reason you like or just for a change. It seems like it's a really big issue to you to mention you won't be there supporting your DP this one time. Is there an unspoken understanding that you will turn up to absolutely everything he does?

I know you enjoy it when the ex is not there being weird and spoiling it for you. But still, where is the angst coming from about simply giving it a miss, for one night?

But it’s not just her presence, it’s her behaviour. If she was just present ie standing at the back quietly you probably wouldn’t really notice, but the way she’s acting is bonkers and she’s rattling you. If you’ve just said she’s a loon then I can understand why he’s not bothered - he probably doesn’t think you’re that bothered in turn. The test will be his reaction if you tell him that you are bothered by it - I wonder how he’d feel if an ex of your started turning up at your work, or your gym, or your hobby and acting like that . Chances are you wouldn’t let it just slide, you’d say something to them (unless you wanted him there).

Yeah there are reasons why this one is a bigger deal than usual and I would have gone otherwise

We do normally go to each others gigs because we see other friends there too.

We only don't go if we've both got gigs the same night.

Yes, you're right.

I would lay money on them having slept together between him splitting with his last ex and getting together with you.

I would even be wondering whether he’d given her any indication that they might get back together.

If he was single at the time then it’s not a case of his having cheated on you, however I think there’s definitely something about this he isn’t telling you.

Given she stopped going to the gigs when he got together with his more recent ex, but started going when he got together with you tells me something happened in between those two relationships.

I wouldn’t play games, even though I admit it would be tempting.

But I would have a very honest discussion with him and demand the truth.

Why didn’t he shut her down when she tol him she wanted to get back together? That in itself is suspicious.

Do friends go with you or do you go on your own?

Could you take others for 'backup' and then you wouldn't notice her so much

I usually meet friends there but not always.

I think he ignores too much.

He should answer child-related stuff and shut anything else down.

I have no concerns at all that they have slept together. That's not even a consideration.

If nothing else, I'm sure she'd have told me about it by now had it happened.

I think her side of it is that she was shocked when he ended it because he loved her. She stood back while he was with someone else because she genuinely believed they'd get back together at some point. She was shocked when this didn't happen.

And now she's fighting for what she sees as being rightfully hers.

I think she was just playing the long game

I agree that he should have told her it was never going to happen when she messaged him asking when they were getting back together but, for his own reasons, he didn't.

She brings her partner?
I'd start making sure I chatted to him a lot and made some casual comments about her behaviour. Positive sounding comments that rattle round in your head iyswim. It's so nice she takes such an interest in his band even after all these years sort of thing. We're so lucky they get on so well aren't we? It's really nice his ex is such a fan, I'd love to see some of the videos she takes of him, maybe you could get her to upload them to his bands fb page. It's so good for the children when exes Stay friends and can have a nice chat over texts, I've got a friend who's really struggling with her ex, I was telling her about the really good relationship my x and your y have got.

Yes. I'm a cow.

Tbh, there isn't really much in the way of child related stuff because of their ages but I have an adult child in their mid 20s and, in their early 20s, still had contact with their dad.

He shuts down requests from her but I think he takes the view that no response is a response with regards to other stuff.

But yes I agree he ignores too much and can be passive. I don't get it because I'm generally more direct with people. I just feel this is a more complex situation and i dont want to escalate it. Maybe I'm wrong for feeling like that but it is how I feel.

I just can't imagine finding myself in his position because I'm clearer about boundaries from the outset.

I can almost guarantee the kids are as uncomfortable as you are and just there to try and stop her embarrassing herself too much.

The thing is, the ex's behaviour is escalating anyway - so regardless of whether you remove yourself from the situation or not, it sounds like sooner or later your DP is going to have to directly tell her he's not interested.