WWYD odd situation with ex wife

[BeingIrked]

I'm going to try and be brief, so happy to answer any questions.

To give some background...

I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years and recently got engaged.

He was married for around 20 years and they divorced 12/13 years ago.

Following that, he was in a relationship for several years which ended before he and I got together. We were friends (as part of a social group) for a few years before we got together and I knew his most recent ex.

He is amicable with his ex wife and they have adult children together.

He plays in a band. I used to go and see his band play and his ex wife didn't go to any gigs but since we have got together, she turns up to nearly of them. Despite having a partner, she has made it very clear that she would like to get back with him. This is something she never did when he was with his ex although he was aware that she would have reconciled if he'd wanted to.

I'm not worried that he is interested in any way, but my issue is this.

When she comes to gigs, she behaves in ways that she used to when they first split up. She dances in front of him whilst he is on stage and openly videos him. Just him - not the band. She has her phone upright (rather than landscape to catch the whole band) and is standing so close to him in front that she will only be filming him.

I think this is a bit odd. My exh has a performance based hobby and I would have no interest/think it a bit inappropriate, to go and see him. I wouldn't be standing in front of him filing him.

Anyway, all of this is a bit odd but what I really don't like is that she stands there staring aggressively at me. I did speak to her the first time I met her and she was absolutely fine with me. Their kids were there too and I thought it was odd that she went but she was with the kids. She was perfectly fine with me but did speak to me as though she had 'ownership' of him and was 'allowing' us to be together.

Now, she turns up without the kids and does the same - dancing and videoing him but just standing there staring at me stony faced. I've tried smiling at her, tried talking to her again and she just blanks me whilst staring at me. On a couple of occasions she's been stood on her own 6-10 feet away from me just standing and starting at me.

He doesn't have her as a friend on SM but his profile is open. He blocked her last summer because she posted a comment on one of his posts when we were on holiday last year. It wasn't a friendly, "Looks great, have a lovely time," comment to us both but more 'territory marking'. He didn't like it and blocked her.

He wants me to go to his gigs. I like going to them, but I really don't enjoy this open hostility. Being watched all evening with someone standing 6 feet away staring at me isn't how I want to spend my Saturday nights if I'm honest with you.

She tends to only turn up to gigs at a couple of venues but they play at them quite a lot. Would it be unreasonable of me to to just not go to these gigs? Of course, this doesn't take its account the times she might turn up at other venues.

He wants me to go and because he doesn't see this behaviour, he doesn't really get how unpleasant it is.

Surely he can say to her, It’s inappropriate for her to keep going to his gigs especially since he has been with you for a long time. The least he can do is ask her not to film at the front. She needs to move on!

@BeingIrked why is he in contact with her at all? I thought he had adult kids so she doesnt need to be speaking about them to him! you might need to ask him to block all contact with her.

I can totally understand why you don’t want to go and frankly can’t be arsed with it.

Because people do these things surreptitiously, it can seem like you’re the one with the problem.

I think he needs to tell her (in front of you) to stop stalking him in a jokey way, and when she turns up again, repeat. You’re still stalking me then haha.

Any normal self respecting woman would hate that, although she doesn’t sound very normal.

Do you think she genuinely wants him back or do you think she’s doing it purely because she enjoys intimidating you?

Why did they get divorced and who instigated it?

He could:

• Discuss it with his girlfriend to understand how its affecting her
• Discuss it with ExW and let her know its unacceptable behaviour that he'd like to stop.
• Tell ExW to stop coming to his shows. It's time to move on. Ask her if there is an issue that they need to resolve.
• Tell management/door staff at the venue that he is being harassed by his ExW and request that they not allow her access to the venues
• Ask his grown children what is going on. Is his ExW/ their mother OK? Is there a mental health issue that should be flagged here? Is there something he could do to help her disengage?
• Not engage in daily WhatsApp conversations with ExW. Their kids are all grown adults; why do they need to talk every day?!

There are so many things he could do to help this situation, or at least stop making it worse. He is choosing to DO NOTHING. And that is unacceptable. So yeah, in this instance it is very much a boyfriend problem.

Why not just have a good time and occasionally look over and laugh at her??
She sounds ridiculous!
Wear a t shirt with you and him on it!!

i'd be ultra-nice to her every time she's there.

i'd also be tempted to go over to her when she's staring, and tell her where you got your top from.

if she asks what you're talking about, say "oh, you were staring so much i thought you must really like it..." big smile, and walk away

or just smile and wave at her - eventually she'll get that it's not bothering you.

I'd nice it out. Pretend you haven't registered that she's staring, take mates, laugh, have fun, say hi and wave to her, let her burn herself out, it takes a lot of energy to keep up that nonsense and she will either give up, or have some kind of an extinction burst and make a total tit of herself. Be patient, it will resolve itself.

Did you post about this recently but just not name the hobby?
If not then there's 2 of them like that out there 😂

She’s ridiculous. How incredibly undignified.

But you have told him so either he thinks you are a crazy new girlfriend who is making it up or he believes you but doesnt care how you feel.
He is the only one who can stop this - if he wants to

Oh god I could not be dealing with this. Not your circus not your monkeys. I would just stop going. Tell him why. If he wants you there for moral support or bag lugging, he'll need to speak to the ex. Otherwise just don't go, it's not fun so why bother?

Occam's razor - she's like this because they've been intimate again.

With the kids being adults, that level of contact is not normal nor necessary, and is likely encouraging her. He just needs to ignore her messages/leave her on read unless it's actually for something important.

Just go over and say, “You’re staring at me, did you want to say something?” and keep doing it. “You’re staring again. What do you want?”

The only real concrete idea is to ban her from the venue. He could perhaps involve the police.
But she will not stop the other methods of communicating.
This idea the man controls this situation is absurd. I agree the woman is being unreasonable in her approaches. She quite clearly has no respect for boundaries and wants him back.
So no it's not wholly a boyfriend problem.

I did but didn't name the hobby. I thought I'd better to name it because it's easier for other people to understand then.

People last time suggested just didn't tell her. He doesn't bit it's hard when the gigs are advertised by the venues.

She messaged him yesterday to tell him she was going to the next one which is coming up. He hasn't replied. She won't have got that from him promoting it but from the venue because she follows it.

He hasnt replied but he hasnt said he would rather she didnt go.
It doesnt seem like its an issue for him so it depends on whether he thinks your feelings are valid and wants to do something about her behaviour.
He might not be causing this but hes the one best placed to stop it

Get a go pro to film the band for their promotional activities and accidentally film her giving you the glare. Every time.

But seriously, he should be setting boundaries with her. Ignoring the messages hasn't worked so far. He will end up losing you and future romances after if this continues.

OP this behaviour appears to be apropos nothing. Are you absolutely sure nothing has occurred to prompt this?

I’d be inclined to go along and ask her who the videos are for. How old are their dc?

I could understand she might like the footage for her dc in the future but the open hostility towards you etc. suggests that she views herself as his no.1 fan girl. Supportive and amicable is nice but no need to be mean to you.

Yeah. Bloody wierd 🤣
I'd feel like you OP, uncomfortable and not wanting to go. If DP wants you there then he needs to tell the ex wife to pack it in.

OP said they are adults

@BeingIrked

She is clearly insecure about herself and you being involved with her ex ,
so has to make a big thing of how supportive of his musical 🎼 endeavours she is like you are,

She feels she to proof this by acting like that,
and she percieves you as being in competition with herself too..

Get him to contact the venue and ask that she is barred. Problem solved!

He`s liking all this.
I could not live with all that drama.
She can have him back.