WWYD odd situation with ex wife

[BeingIrked]

I'm going to try and be brief, so happy to answer any questions.

To give some background...

I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years and recently got engaged.

He was married for around 20 years and they divorced 12/13 years ago.

Following that, he was in a relationship for several years which ended before he and I got together. We were friends (as part of a social group) for a few years before we got together and I knew his most recent ex.

He is amicable with his ex wife and they have adult children together.

He plays in a band. I used to go and see his band play and his ex wife didn't go to any gigs but since we have got together, she turns up to nearly of them. Despite having a partner, she has made it very clear that she would like to get back with him. This is something she never did when he was with his ex although he was aware that she would have reconciled if he'd wanted to.

I'm not worried that he is interested in any way, but my issue is this.

When she comes to gigs, she behaves in ways that she used to when they first split up. She dances in front of him whilst he is on stage and openly videos him. Just him - not the band. She has her phone upright (rather than landscape to catch the whole band) and is standing so close to him in front that she will only be filming him.

I think this is a bit odd. My exh has a performance based hobby and I would have no interest/think it a bit inappropriate, to go and see him. I wouldn't be standing in front of him filing him.

Anyway, all of this is a bit odd but what I really don't like is that she stands there staring aggressively at me. I did speak to her the first time I met her and she was absolutely fine with me. Their kids were there too and I thought it was odd that she went but she was with the kids. She was perfectly fine with me but did speak to me as though she had 'ownership' of him and was 'allowing' us to be together.

Now, she turns up without the kids and does the same - dancing and videoing him but just standing there staring at me stony faced. I've tried smiling at her, tried talking to her again and she just blanks me whilst staring at me. On a couple of occasions she's been stood on her own 6-10 feet away from me just standing and starting at me.

He doesn't have her as a friend on SM but his profile is open. He blocked her last summer because she posted a comment on one of his posts when we were on holiday last year. It wasn't a friendly, "Looks great, have a lovely time," comment to us both but more 'territory marking'. He didn't like it and blocked her.

He wants me to go to his gigs. I like going to them, but I really don't enjoy this open hostility. Being watched all evening with someone standing 6 feet away staring at me isn't how I want to spend my Saturday nights if I'm honest with you.

She tends to only turn up to gigs at a couple of venues but they play at them quite a lot. Would it be unreasonable of me to to just not go to these gigs? Of course, this doesn't take its account the times she might turn up at other venues.

He wants me to go and because he doesn't see this behaviour, he doesn't really get how unpleasant it is.

@BeingIrked

That's a good point but I don't really want to sacrifice an evening to it. It's essentially what my friend has suggested we do.

Maybe I'll feel differently next time. Maybe I'm just not really in the mood for dealing with it right now.

Sacrificing ONE evening is worth it though. It's not like you are having a great time there anyway.
And your friend is onboard so you don't even need to persuade anyone

So that basically means he doesn’t believe you and thinks you are making it up?

Tbf, if I'd brought it up several times and he was dismissive, then I'd agree with the first part of your comment but the staring, he hasn't seen that. I've only told him about it twice after the two most recent occasions that it happened and we didn't have a big conversation about it. I told him what she'd done. And I told him the next time it had happened again.

In reality, he probably has noticed the filming at least once. He knew she was dancing in front of him and filming him when they first split up to try and win him back but what's he going to do about that? He ignored her then and it eventually stopped so maybe he thinks that's the way to go now?

Tbh, I wouldn't have a problem with her being at the gigs if she wasn't so openly hostile towards me. The first time she turned up to one, I was surprised to see her there given I'd never seen her at one before but I had a brief chat with her and it was fine. It's just been every subsequent one she's attended that she's behaved like this. He thinks that she initially came to 'check me out'. And he's surprised but equally not bothered that she still comes.

I'm surprised her partner isn't bothered given how she acts towards her ex husband but that's between them.

He does ignore her and he is tactile towards me. He kissed me on stage when I dep'd for his band. It makes no difference.

It's her focus on me that's the issue for me. Not her focus on him.

Maybe...

I think I'm just going to have to see how I feel on the day.

I don't think he disbelieves me as such.

I think that because I haven't made a big deal of her staring at me, he just doesn't give that any headspace.

He's not bothered whether she goes to the gigs or not. He thinks it's odd that she films him and him alone but that's all.

In his shoes, I'd probably feel the same!
I mean, if he told me that an ex of mine was coming to gigs and filming me trying to get my attention, I'd think they were a bit of a loser but I wouldn't see it as something I had to 'deal with'. If he said that the guy was being hostile towards him - I probably still wouldn't see it as a big deal or something I had to deal with. I'd know I wasnt interested and that would be it. We quite often go to see bands when an ex of mine is there. They chat for a bit and get on fine. He's been to see my ex's band without me. So there doesn't need to be an issue.

Even if she escalates trying to get his attention, it wouldn't work.

But her hostility creates an unpleasant atmosphere for me and I just don't want to have to deal with it.

Yes but you are clearly bothered by it and upset by it and finding it uncomfortable, surely as a partner he would want to say something to her to help make the situation better? Surely he would rather you be there and if her being there is impacting on that happening then he would step in?

Maybe. But he doesn't know yet that I'm not going to go.

So far, I've told him twice that it happens but not attached any emotion to it.

Tricky situation but needs dealing with - maybe get some legal advice/speak to the police to see if any offence is being committed. Two elements to this - 1 is her filming him 2 is her behaviour towards you. Her behaviour to her husband is a bit stalkerish and towards you is intimidating......
You are clearly trying to keep the peace but it may not be possible to do this longer term.......
If your fiancé is not prepared to do anything, you may just have to bite the bullet and do something to get this situation resolved.

Why did he ignore her when she text him about wanting to get back together? He really needs to make it absolutely clear to her it’s never going to happen. It sounds like he hasn’t done that.

It does sound annoying though. If it was me, I definitely wouldn’t go. I love my husband and enjoy listening to him play, but if he was in a band I don’t think I could go and see him week in and week out playing the same songs! I’d prefer to see a new band!

I wouldn't go and tbh I'd throw this one back. Too complicated at this stage of the relationship and he sounds a bit spineless. Not sure I'd waste my time on this drama.

You sound very sensible OP and it's clear he isn't remotely interested in her and doesn't know what to do about it. Suspect he's slightly burying his head in the sand but given the situation, I think I'd be expecting either her partner to say something first!

I do wonder what her plan is though. Do you think she'll back off once you are married? It's so so weird but wonder if it's related to drink and whether she would behave the same outside of the gig scenario?

Well then, you need to be honest to him about the way it makes you feel and see if he steps up. If he’s dismissive of it then you know what kind of man you are marrying. I mean the ex is clearly displaying some bonkers behaviour so let’s hope he’s supportive and puts some boundaries in place.

Just tell her to stop staring

@BeingIrked wondering why he still has ExW on WhatsApp as children are in 20s? I would maybe be asking for him to block her. If there are problems with children I assume they can tell him directly, or maybe suggest a WA group with just him and the children in.

I think my concern would be that you're giving her encouragement by not going to see him. She'll think her tactics are working and ramp them up even more.

I know you shouldn't have to endure a shitty evening, but for the sake of the long term, I think you should make sure there's not a single chink in your united front.

I would absolutely get a friend to film her. I think it would be really useful for your DP to experience what you do. Telling him she stares at you isn't the same thing as him actually seeing what she does. He might be shocked if he's able to witness her behaviour firsthand.

Also random idea, how big is the venue? Would there be any possibility at all of them refusing her access?

Also OP, maybe something to consider is what would YOU do if you were in his shoes?

You're trying to protect yourself while being remarkably tolerant. I don't think there's anyone who wouldn't think his ex attending and filming is really fucking weird. I think if your ex was filming you and only you while slavishly attending your gigs, you'd think it was very bloody strange. Add in the fact that he's staring your DP down and making life unpleasant - would you just shrug? Or would you tell him to knock it off?

Perhaps how you would react might give you an idea about what's reasonable to expect from your DP. I know you haven't gone into full detail with him but even so, he seems remarkably passive about his ex wife's odd behaviour.

He should block her on WhatsApp for a start, and l agree with the pp about starting a separate WhatsApp group for him and his kids.
I would be open with him that you find her attitude towards you weird and upsetting. Do attach a bit of emotion to it, he needs to hear how you feel and stop brushing it under the carpet.
Still go to the gigs if you want to, don't be put off because of her which is obviously her aim.Take a couple of good friends with you, she will be much less likely to stare if you are with others. You can all have a good giggle at her obvious attention seeking dancing and videoing too. At any other social occasions just grey rock her don't even try to interact. Hopefully she will get the message.

So the last ex got her to stop acting like an inappropriate stalker. You need to work out how she got the exw to stop.

And no this is not normal there should be boundaries in place and if she’s being inappropriate any venue can ban her. If I was you I would not attend anything again until she is no longer there.

I'd get up on that stage and kiss him 😂

You’re in a band too? Does he come to watch all your gigs? And has she started turning up there too, yet?

Edited to add: Would you notice her?

I’d go and talk to her directly so she couldn’t ignore me and probably stand in front of the camera ‘oh sorry, were you filming him? Did I get in the way?’ ‘If you turn it landscape you’ll get everyone in’ type of thing.

It’s very hard to just sit and stare at someone if they’re looking you directly in the face and talking to you. If she continues to stare and not reply, talk louder because she ‘must not be able to hear because of the volume of the music’.

If she is bluntly staring at you and not speaking to you in front of the new husband, perhaps have a word with her or him along the lines of ‘are you / is she OK? I’ve noticed that you/ she seems to be staring a lot and not responding when I talk to you / her. Are you / is she unwell or upset about something?’

No, she hasn't. I would notice, yes.

So the last ex got her to stop acting like an inappropriate stalker. You need to work out how she got the exw to stop.

It wasn't necessary. She stopped of her own accord when he started dating her. She only started again when he started dating me.

Get a T shirt printed - I am so happy 'boyfriend' is in love with me.