WWYD odd situation with ex wife

[BeingIrked]

I'm going to try and be brief, so happy to answer any questions.

To give some background...

I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years and recently got engaged.

He was married for around 20 years and they divorced 12/13 years ago.

Following that, he was in a relationship for several years which ended before he and I got together. We were friends (as part of a social group) for a few years before we got together and I knew his most recent ex.

He is amicable with his ex wife and they have adult children together.

He plays in a band. I used to go and see his band play and his ex wife didn't go to any gigs but since we have got together, she turns up to nearly of them. Despite having a partner, she has made it very clear that she would like to get back with him. This is something she never did when he was with his ex although he was aware that she would have reconciled if he'd wanted to.

I'm not worried that he is interested in any way, but my issue is this.

When she comes to gigs, she behaves in ways that she used to when they first split up. She dances in front of him whilst he is on stage and openly videos him. Just him - not the band. She has her phone upright (rather than landscape to catch the whole band) and is standing so close to him in front that she will only be filming him.

I think this is a bit odd. My exh has a performance based hobby and I would have no interest/think it a bit inappropriate, to go and see him. I wouldn't be standing in front of him filing him.

Anyway, all of this is a bit odd but what I really don't like is that she stands there staring aggressively at me. I did speak to her the first time I met her and she was absolutely fine with me. Their kids were there too and I thought it was odd that she went but she was with the kids. She was perfectly fine with me but did speak to me as though she had 'ownership' of him and was 'allowing' us to be together.

Now, she turns up without the kids and does the same - dancing and videoing him but just standing there staring at me stony faced. I've tried smiling at her, tried talking to her again and she just blanks me whilst staring at me. On a couple of occasions she's been stood on her own 6-10 feet away from me just standing and starting at me.

He doesn't have her as a friend on SM but his profile is open. He blocked her last summer because she posted a comment on one of his posts when we were on holiday last year. It wasn't a friendly, "Looks great, have a lovely time," comment to us both but more 'territory marking'. He didn't like it and blocked her.

He wants me to go to his gigs. I like going to them, but I really don't enjoy this open hostility. Being watched all evening with someone standing 6 feet away staring at me isn't how I want to spend my Saturday nights if I'm honest with you.

She tends to only turn up to gigs at a couple of venues but they play at them quite a lot. Would it be unreasonable of me to to just not go to these gigs? Of course, this doesn't take its account the times she might turn up at other venues.

He wants me to go and because he doesn't see this behaviour, he doesn't really get how unpleasant it is.

If it were anyone else, I'd confront it but if I say anything to her or film her or am seen to he antagonising the situation in anyway, I'll have played right into her hands.

If I fell out with him over it because it upset his children or they are pushed into taking sides, then she'd have 'won'.

By removing myself (dropping the rope), there's nothing for her to fight against. He still won't be interested in her.

How about showing him this thread? You very eloquently express how you are feeling about her treatment of you. Might he get the point if he reads all of this along with the replies?

I’d just say to him now “oh btw I’ve decided I’m going to see Other Cool Band on Saturday. I’ve given it several weeks to see if your ex-wife’s weird fascination for staring at me wore off but it obviously isn’t, and since being looked as though I’m the shit on someone’s shoe literally all night isn’t my idea of fun, I’m going to give it a miss. I hope your set goes well of course, and I look forward to hearing all about it afterwards.”

The other gig is perfect “drop the rope” opportunity. I’d semi avoid her according to your own schedule, ensuring your DP knows why. It could bring this ridiculous charade to a close sooner if you remove yourself and she moves onto whatever her plan is next.

Whip your phone out and film the weirdo back 😂show your oh so he can see it.

It's easier said than done, but please don't stop going - that's exactly what she wants and you have said you do enjoy going. She needs to give herself a shake.

Tbh, I have considered that!

But I think that this has given me the space to articulate it all - especially my last couple of posts.

So I'll just work out what I'm going to say from this.

I think it's unusual that she wants to go and see him. I think it's odd and inappropriate that she stands in front of him filming him. I think it's disturbing that she stands there staring at me and being openly hostile towards me. He can't really argue with any of that. Not that he'd argue with me anyway but you know what I mean.

Op my dad is almost 80 and been in many many bands ( he's still gigging even now). He had no end of groupies even at his age. Your DH Soto's openly and lovingly dedicate a song to you while she is performing this ridiculous dance and continue to do so every time she turns up.

I stood in for one of the band members who couldn't make one of the gigs. He kissed me a couple of times on stage between songs. Didn't make any difference.

I think decent people underestimate the thickness of some people's skin!

unless you get evidence he can’t refute, you will inevitably end up being accused of being a meddling shitstirrer by him at some point. Men almost always decide their gf/wife is crazy before they believe them.

so I would get a friend to secretly film the ex’s crazy behaviour if it’s that obvious and show him.

and I would literally just go about my business as if she wasn’t there. Or in your head pretend you’re famous and she is part of a large paparazzi stalking you about. Just ignore as she glared as you.

and then don’t say anything else about it. let her show her true colours eventually by herself. Just play absolutely innocent and lovely. And make sure you say hello and smile sweetly and chat to her - just decide to be oblivious to her not liking you

unless you get evidence he can’t refute, you will inevitably end up being accused of being a meddling shitstirrer by him at some point. Men almost always decide their gf/wife is crazy before they believe them.

I'm not asking him to do anything. I'm just not deliberately getting into a situation where he or his children could be affected or forced to choose. It wouldn't be every gig. Just the ones she will attend.

I think filming her could be seen far more easily as shit stirring.

If she were just making a tit of herself I'd let it go but it's the open hostility towards me that's unpleasant.

That's the bit that bothers me.

I wouldn't expect him to do anything that could make things awkward in the family in the future. Eg his children's weddings.

But I'm also not going to set myself on fire to keep everyone else warm by ignoring my own discomfort.

Pretend she doesn’t exist. He obviously doesn’t care about her and she hasn’t moved on. I feel a bit sorry for her TBH. She needs a life and identity of her own that doesn’t revolve around being someone’s ex. But that’s not your problem. Don’t let her come between you and DH by missing his gigs x

I would keep going and be taking 2 friends with me, one glued to each side of my shoulders for the evening.

If she continues to stare at you - she will feel awkward then having three people staring right back at her.

Sounds like she gets a bit jealous when she has been drinking. Either ignore or don't go, please yourself. Be open about what it happening. She's making a tit of herself.

Film her being weird! Show the kids. They’ll be mortified and have a word. Probably ban her from going to any more shows.

Background: I was the kid.

They know that she goes to the gigs and that she stands there filming him. Everyone can see. It's only the staring at me bit they won't have clocked.

Get a tshirt printed for him to wear with your face on or you two kissing that way at least if she's filming him all she will get is you guys?! 😉

Get him to joke about wedding bands and if anyone has recommendations.....
Song dedication to the love of his life.....

I don't think people realise how little you can see when on stage. Including the ex - I don't think he's lying that he can't see her unless you're wildly overexaggerating and it's a step up in a pub with no stage lighting!

If he can't see either of you, maybe you should just be as brazen as her and start filming her. Turn round, slowly raise your phone and record her, if she objects just shrug and say you needed some evidence of her acting like a territorial goose.

That isn't Occam's Razor, that is a reach. If they had been intimate again I doubt she would have failed to let the OP know about it.

I’ve only told him once that she stares at me and he didn’t disbelieve me but we didn’t dwell on it and it hasn’t been mentioned since.

…he doesn’t really get how unpleasant it is.

@BeingIrked, you need to be authentic and honest with your fiancé about how unpleasant her targeting you has been. It’s good that you’re using your agency to remedy this by removing your presence, but he needs to be informed of your continued discomfort caused by her ongoing bully tactics.

Her agenda — staring you down, front and center dancing and filming, and ramped up messaging — is really beyond the pale. I too would be removing myself from her orbit and making other plans.

Is she videoing him to show their children or to make a record of it for them?

Perhaps her problem with you specifically is that she has detected you might be more of a permanent fixture and now that’s confirmed her hopes are properly dashed.

it is going to become “a thing” between you if you avoid telling your partner in a very direct way how unsettling it is and that he needs speak to her. The fact he doesn’t witness it doesn’t mean it’s not a problem. It’s up to him to put boundaries in place with his ex and tell her the behaviour is unacceptable. It might not stop the behaviour but she needs a much clearer and firmer message from him about it so she can see he’s backing you up and she’s losing currency with him. I think you should keep going and ignore her behaviour (tricky), try and stick with friends and if you do bow out of one evening make sure it’s the evening he has a word with her.

If he’s not prepared to be very firm about her being in the past and in backing you up then to quote an MN favourite “you’ve got a Fiancé problem”.

Her children are in their 20s, are often there themselves and have seen him play many times over the past few years. So no.

She used to support him when they were married. After they split up, she stepped it up and would go to gigs and stand in front of him, dancing and filming him. I knew this before we got together when he was with his recent ex because he told me. He also told me how it stopped when he got together with her. This is true because I also knew him then and we would go to his gigs and she was never there.

She hadn't seen him play in years until I started seeing him and now she comes to as many as she can.

Get a tshirt printed with ‘stop staring at me, you weirdo’ on the front and ‘stop filming, you weirdo’ on the back