WWYD odd situation with ex wife

[BeingIrked]

I'm going to try and be brief, so happy to answer any questions.

To give some background...

I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years and recently got engaged.

He was married for around 20 years and they divorced 12/13 years ago.

Following that, he was in a relationship for several years which ended before he and I got together. We were friends (as part of a social group) for a few years before we got together and I knew his most recent ex.

He is amicable with his ex wife and they have adult children together.

He plays in a band. I used to go and see his band play and his ex wife didn't go to any gigs but since we have got together, she turns up to nearly of them. Despite having a partner, she has made it very clear that she would like to get back with him. This is something she never did when he was with his ex although he was aware that she would have reconciled if he'd wanted to.

I'm not worried that he is interested in any way, but my issue is this.

When she comes to gigs, she behaves in ways that she used to when they first split up. She dances in front of him whilst he is on stage and openly videos him. Just him - not the band. She has her phone upright (rather than landscape to catch the whole band) and is standing so close to him in front that she will only be filming him.

I think this is a bit odd. My exh has a performance based hobby and I would have no interest/think it a bit inappropriate, to go and see him. I wouldn't be standing in front of him filing him.

Anyway, all of this is a bit odd but what I really don't like is that she stands there staring aggressively at me. I did speak to her the first time I met her and she was absolutely fine with me. Their kids were there too and I thought it was odd that she went but she was with the kids. She was perfectly fine with me but did speak to me as though she had 'ownership' of him and was 'allowing' us to be together.

Now, she turns up without the kids and does the same - dancing and videoing him but just standing there staring at me stony faced. I've tried smiling at her, tried talking to her again and she just blanks me whilst staring at me. On a couple of occasions she's been stood on her own 6-10 feet away from me just standing and starting at me.

He doesn't have her as a friend on SM but his profile is open. He blocked her last summer because she posted a comment on one of his posts when we were on holiday last year. It wasn't a friendly, "Looks great, have a lovely time," comment to us both but more 'territory marking'. He didn't like it and blocked her.

He wants me to go to his gigs. I like going to them, but I really don't enjoy this open hostility. Being watched all evening with someone standing 6 feet away staring at me isn't how I want to spend my Saturday nights if I'm honest with you.

She tends to only turn up to gigs at a couple of venues but they play at them quite a lot. Would it be unreasonable of me to to just not go to these gigs? Of course, this doesn't take its account the times she might turn up at other venues.

He wants me to go and because he doesn't see this behaviour, he doesn't really get how unpleasant it is.

They split up because she was engaging in casual sex with other men. He instigated the divorce. I don't think she expected him to actually leave. He said she never gave him or his partner prior to me any issues but he did say that he always got the impression her attitude was "fair enough, I cheated and this is your payback but we'll be back together eventually." Which explains why she messaged him when he and his ex partner split up saying 'so when are we getting back together then?' He ignored it. I think she sees me as the obstacle to them being together.

OK, to answer a few questions/clarify things.

She messages him. He doesn't reply.

When he gives me the phone, it's not to reply to her. But I do see that she has messaged. He doesn't reply. If it's occasionally something he has to reply to, it's only ever an 'OK' acknowledgement unless it requires more. They don't converse about anything. He doesn't initiate contact. But she will message him to tell him stuff. Not replying doesn't make any difference.

They haven't had sex. That's just not even a concern.

She would get in touch a lot in the early days of us being together to ask him for favours things like staying at her house to babysit the dog if she went on holiday or to fix things in the house. He refused and put boundaries in place. These weren't things she did before I was on the scene. She doesn't do it anymore as far as I know.

I have told him about the staring and ignoring, when it's happened and what its looked like. I've not told him how it makes me feel. It's irritating and I feel like I'm being watched constantly (because I am). It's just uncomfortable.

I've tried 'nice-ing' it out. She just ignores me and stares at me.

I really want to just say that I'm not going to the next gig and tell him why when he asks. I don't talk to him about it and I don't want to make a big deal out of it. And, yes, as someone else said, I'm worried about being seen as the problem because I'm the one making a big deal out of it.

Well then you don't go, and if he asks why, you tell him that his ex's behaviour is inappropriate, and really weird, and you won't be going anywhere she is from now on. He can do with that what he will, but it would be reasonable if he told her to wind it in. If you are sure he's not promoting this situation, then she sounds deluded, and he needs to take steps to deal with it as it's affecting you.

OP honestly you are all grown assed people. I'd probably ask her why she stares at me all the time. Say it's weird and makes me uncomfortable. You tried nicing it out, hasn't worked.

Seriously why don't you just talk to her? My experience of people that stare is they often don't know they do it.

I haven't asked her because I don't want to engage with her on that level. I'm happy to have friendly chit chat with her, smile, say hello, exchange pleasantries but I don't want a confrontation.

She doesn't want the former and I don't want the latter.

The thing is he may be ignoring her inappropriate messages, the feedback you give him about her behaviour etc.. but ignoring isn’t making it stop. How about he steps the fuck up and handles the problem behaviour of his ex by making it absolutely obvious that it’s unwanted and unwelcome.

he’s avoiding dealing with it by ignoring it.

and I’m quite positive his ex girlfriend could probably tell you a few stories about the ex wife’s behaviour that he’s also dismissed and swept under the carpet as he didn’t observe it etc.

she may be irritating - but he’s the one not shutting it down.

She sounds delusional. My best friends boyfriend was formerly married. His wife cheated repeatedly in the last couple of years of their marriage because she was bored and enjoyed the excitement. She was gobsmacked when he divorced her (no idea why!) Then indignant when he got a new partner as she had expected him to pine for her and get back together once she got the need for excitement out of her system.

I wonder if your partners ex is similar. The woman I know is astonishingly self centred and expects everyone to fall into line.

I can see your partner is getting a lot of criticism on here for "enjoying the attention ". That might be true but could it be more like he doesn't like confrontation and is choosing to ignore the issue? That isn't great either but it's a bit more understandable particularly if he doesn't want his adult kids pulled in if she gets upset and affronted if challenged.

How odd and cringeworthy. Whatever her reasoning, no way should you stop going to his gigs. She's won then and successfully elbowed you out. Front it out, give her a little wave or head nod and acknowledge her presence. I know it's disconcerting but you really shouldn't bow down to these types.

Id just laugh at her shes pathetic....that would really get up her nose, sounds as jealous as fuck so i would play on it but thats just me im no shrinking violet id really play up to it (not saying you are a shrinking violet) she wouldnt intimidate me

I wouldn't let her win, she's trying to intimidate you.
I'd completely ignore her, she stares, you pretend you haven't noticed, look anywhere except in her direction.
Or give her a big grin and a wave then don't look at her.
No way would I let her stop me from going somewhere especially with my partner, doubly so when I'm supporting his hobby/band.
She'll know she's getting to you and she's enjoying it.
Don't let her get the better of you

I’d not go and simply tell him why. Right now he feels it’s not his problem, he’s doing nothing wrong etc. Fair enough he isn’t doing anything wrong but he’s also not setting her straight and it is his responsibility to try to do something about this for you. If you don’t go to this one then you’re showing him it’s a problem for you and therefore it’s a problem for him as he wants you there.

If you go to all the gigs it just emphasises some strange tug of war between you and his ex. I’d just drop the rope. Depending on his reaction etc you can decide whether to go to the next or go to sone but not others etc based on how you feel.

Or just pop along before hand to see everyone (assuming she’s not there at this point) and have a couple of drinks then head off before she arrives.

It’s totally reasonable for you to not want to be around this ridiculousness so I wouldn’t worry you’re feeding into the drama or overreacting.

I think every word of this has hit the nail on the head tbh.

I don't think he 'enjoys the attention'. He wouldn't ignore her if that were the case. Ar a gig, he'll speak to her partner more than to her and that's only really to say "alright mate, how's it going?"

But I do know he's conflict averse. He's never fallen out with anyone. He has friends from school and my friends who have met him think he's lovely. Because he is. I also don't think he'd want his children to get involved. She is their mum after all.

He thinks it's a bit odd she turns up and behaves the way she does re him but he isn't interested so it's a bit of a non event for him. He seemed surprised when I said what she was doing to me but I think he probably thinks it should be a non event for me too. But it's unpleasant.

Thanks for all the feedback everyone.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride

What you are saying is exactly how I'd have felt about it a few years ago. But right now, I jut can't be arsed.

There's another band playing locally to me the same night that we both really like.

When I imagine the night, I see it as having two choices. Go along to see his band. Feel uncomfortable. Spend the evening in a hostile environment and feel crap. I will have a few friends there. One of them I've spoken to about it. She's a bit of a take no shit type and would confront her. But i don't want my evening to be dominated by this.

Or I could go along to see another band, have a few beers, bump into people I know, have a pleasant evening and fun.

Workawayxx

'Dropping the rope' is exactly how I feel about it now. He won't engage with her any more because I'm not there. It'll make no difference.

I'm not in competition with anyone so there is no winning or losing.

If it matters to him, then he'll do something about it. If it doesn't and he doesn't, well that's a different decision.

I don't want to issue an 'it's her or me' ultimatum so I'll just remove myself I think.

If I say she does it and keep on going to gigs, nothing will change. She'll still do it, I'll still feel uncomfortable and he'll still do nothing.

Maybe you could bring the wedding forward?

😅

I'm not sure I trust her to not turn up!

I guess you need yr Partner to tell her to stop making a fool of herself.
He doesn't want to & wont be getting back with her. Its not Your fault. Its hers.

I’d ignore her completely like if she was a nobody (which she is to you anyway!)
If you end up in a situation where you have to talk to her, I’d go minimal and grey rock much as you much as you can.

What is happening right now is that your DP is doing the exact right thing - minimum contact. Not giving her the time of the day. And she hates it.
She is trying to get at you and him by her behaviour. The best you can do is to also ignore her and carry on living your life.

I do know what you mean about it being uncomfortable when she is starring at you like that. That’s what it’s meant to do!
But the way to deal with it is to hold your boundaries. You catch her up starring at you? Turn your back to her. She is the way filming him? It’s just sad agd pathetic. She refuses to talk to you? Well why do you even try? But just turn your head and concentrate on her dh/children.
Thats you holding your boundaries - when she does something stupid
like the starring, show you’re not having it by moving away.
Youre not making a fuss. But she will get the message (eventually) just like she got the message after your DP refused ton’help’ at the start of your relationship.

Did you ask the most recent x if she found his xw strange??

I find it so hard to believe a woman would consider getting back together with an x after 12 years!

No. I had no need to and she's very sadly since passed away.

I know it's hard to believe but he is a good man and, by all accounts, was a good husband. I think she was just biding her time while he was in another relationship.

I think she genuinely believed they'd be back together someday. The fact she messaged him, when she heard they'd split, assuming as much is testament to that.

VillageOnSmile

I understand what you're saying.

I don't go out of my way to talk to her. Just said hi and have smiled a couple of times.

If you end up in a situation where you have to talk to her, I’d go minimal and grey rock much as you much as you can.

She doesn't speak to me so there's nothing to grey rock.

The time she sat opposite me, I was sitting chatting with her daughter. She came and sat with us opposite me, completely ignored that I was there and asked her daughter how she was getting home. Her daughter didn't answer her. She asked her again and again she didn't answer - she was a bit drunk. I knew so I had a choice to keep quiet or pass on the information. She only wanted to know her daughter was getting home safely. So I told her it was ok and how she was getting back.

In her shoes, I'd have said "ah thanks," or similar but the look she gave me could only he interpreted as "who the fuck asked you?" and she said nothing.

She then just sat there staring at me stony faced. Her partner came over, introduced himself, shook my hand and made a bit of polite chit chat. It was a friendly exchange but she barely took her eyes off me.

That's why it's so unpleasant.

Another time, I was standing outside getting some fresh air. She stood square on to me about 10 feet away just staring at me. I was with some friends, there was no one standing around her. She was just standing there. On her own. Staring at me. I go to the bar - she stares at me. I stand by the dance floor - she stares at me. If it's from across the room, I can ignore it. When she's right in front of me, it's less easy to do so.

Even if I ignore it (which I have done so far), it's not really how I want to spend a Saturday evening!

If I don't go, I'll have a nice evening and won't have to deal with or ignore anything!

You should tell your DP exactly this is why you wont be going

I think that's the conclusion I've come to. The more I think about it, the less I want to be there and have to deal with it. It won't just be this time, it'll be every time.

I'm not sure when to tell him though. I don't want to make a big deal out of it or for him to feel he should talk me round. I don't think he would though.

But equally, I don't want to drop it on him last minute or for it to cause any awkwardness between us because I know he'll be disappointed.

The friend I spoke to about it thinks I should go and do what others have suggested - front it out or film her doing it. But it's different when it's not affecting you directly and it's just a bit of someone else's mildly entertaining nonsense. I have a good relationship with his children and we're getting married. I don't want anything to disrupt that.

I do know that his children won't be there this time but still. She's not the sort of person to take things lying down.

If you don't go, then she's won. She shouldn't get to dictate your life.
I think next time she stares at you, you should go up to her and say "hi Julie. Just want to check if everything's ok?" And see what she says.

Also, don't be afraid to tell him you dont love him. There's this backdrop to these discussions, that "we still live each other despite everything". Tell him "your crying and wanking has eroded my feelings for you, so there's no coming back from that. Unless you spell it out, they keeeeep trying to manipulate you into overlooking all their flaws. Just lay it out there,we are having sex again

It doesn't feel like that though.

I'll have a nice night out elsewhere anyway. I won't see the friends who will be there but we'll see them another time.

I will have peace of mind.

I don't want to do anything that will disrupt things between me and his children, which I think saying anything to her could.