Husband came out as bisexual

[TARDISmum]

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual.

It's just so odd.

I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed.

I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

Talking about an ex, particularly sexually or negatively, is a red flag in men.

I have dated.

You sound inexperienced either way. Be authentic about who you are from the beginning, and be respectful of the person in the relationship and of your own self. Be honest and open, then you will find a deeper connection and enjoy a trusting and wholesome relationship.

Start lying by omission and hiding parts of yourself that will only lead to a destructive and undesirable end to any relationships you have. It’s really thar simple. Sexual orientation is irrelevant.

So you like to be told how your DH shagged a classmate behind a bush in the park at 16? I don't think it's at all appropriate to kiss and tell.

Of course you discuss preferences as part of learning to make each other feel good. You don't need to talk about partners or specific encounters to do that.

My dh was completely open but not in a vulgar or inappropriate way. If you are planning a family you need to know who is going to a permanent, life long presence in yours and your children’s lives.

That's great, that's your preference.

It's an absolute turn off for me and many others judging by this thread.

Well the point of monogamy is to stifle your sexual desires isn't it? To not act on the attraction you naturally feel for others? Whether desire wins out above that depends on your own morality.

If my partner came out as bisexual, the question of whether he wanted to act on that would be a subsequent and separate conversation.

As a flat-chested woman I have never felt insecure about other women's tits tbh. Most adults realise they can't give their partner every single type of attractive body shape and accept that.

Do you have any idea how often I am rebuked for oversharing? People get this glazed expression that even I can see.

And you want me to tell more stuff? Where do I stop?

"...and when I was eight I started Brownies and the church had a wooden floor, it was there that I learned knots, oh did I mention that I like bondage? and then I started trumpet lessons..."

What, if I omit it, constitutes a lie by omission?

"You voted Tory when you were 21? Urgh, I want a divorce."

I disagree.

People are entitled to ask about sexual history. People may choose not to share but then people can make an informed choice whether or not to be intimate.

Personally I won't without knowing.

It's just another manifestation of "bisexuals are sluts", innit.

So that would be a deal breaker for me - I wouldn't be able to continue the marriage.

What do YOU want op?
You talk about supporting him but what about you? This is a bombshell and then he expects not to be questioned? Think about what you want and what he wants to happen aswell because it sounds like this is the first step of many. You are either what he wants or you're not. He needs to be completely honest about his feelings.

They can, but with someone agreeable to their orientation.

You need to be upfront at the beginning and find a life partner that accepts all parts of your sexuality. Then you can be happy and enjoy a long term relationship.
It won’t be for everyone, correct, but you can only be you in any given relationship.

But the point is, that bi- sexuality is often used by men who are actually gay but have been in the closet. And married.

I know of two examples of this happening to friends close enough to tell me and another 2 instances to friends of friends. They’ve all been men who have exclusively dated ( several) men after leaving the marriage/relationship.

these men are not bisexual. They are using it as a way of coming out in a gentle way.

I’m not bi-phobic. I can totally accept people are bi - sexual, and ad just as faithful
in a committed relationship as anyone else.

But there’s a reason why people think this. It does happen a fair bit. These men aren’t bi-sexual but say they are because in some unconscious way they are homophobic or don’t want to accept they’ve been lying to their partners for years.

To be fair I got told my opinions and questions were “rapey” about 5 pages ago….

Bi woman here. Just as heterosexual people don’t jump into bed with every person of the opposite sex, the same applies to those who are bi.

He’s attracted to both sexes. But a monogamous M/F relationship with nobody else involved is still very possible.

That was by me, because no one has to justify their "no" to sex. This is true even the person saying "no" is also saying biphobic things.

I wasn’t trying to get you to justify your “no” at all.

You said that you wouldn’t date a bisexual man because you don’t like the idea of “gay sex” - I.e anal sex. So I simply asked you whether you’d date a bisexual man who’d never have anal sex (with a male) and didn’t want to have anal sex in the future either.

Most people on MN understand that people’s opinions can’t be changed about many topics, and especially not when it comes to topics like this. I don’t expect anyone to change their opinions based on comments that other posters make.

For me, discussing these subjects is just about trying to understand other people’s points of view and trying to understand their thought processes, that’s all.

If you felt that me wanting to understand more about how you felt was me being “rapey” then I apologise as it certainly wasn’t my intention.

@HeadInTheSand0324

Pretty sure it wasn't Vito herself who had an issue with anal sex between consenting male partners - I think this is MN quoting gone awry.

I think you are being incredibly naïve. I think being bi sexual is different between men and women. Any guy I know who came out as bi sexual always always always ended up with a man in the end.

I just know why he would tell you otherwise

I’m bi, it’s not ‘biphobic’ for someone to want a specific sexuality in their partner. Plenty of lesbians wouldn’t be interested in me because I’m bi, and that’s perfectly fine by me, dating isn’t about equal opportunities. I agree that it doesn’t have to mean he will cheat or is secretly gay, but it could, men aren’t women, they behave differently. Irrelevant though, OP, is entitled to be bothered by it, even if you wouldn’t be.

I see the biphobia has reached the stage of telling women who aren’t bothered by it (or even like the idea of two men together) that they don’t know their own mind and are only pretending to be fine with it because they’ve been gaslit by men. What’s that thing people
keep saying about not imposing their preferences on anyone else? Yeah, can that work both ways and you not impose your prejudice on anyone else either?

also “heterophobia” isn’t a thing.

I don't like anal, but I have no problem with bi men being "sides".

Well that's the perfect attitude to have and I wish more people would!

I think it's very sad that after a lot of progress was made in making people feel like it was ok to come out as bisexual or gay, that there's now a huge amount of people who tell people who are clearly bisexual "no, no you're still straight". It's gone backwards, not forwards.

Heterosexual people get blamed for much of the stigma that bisexual people face, but I do think a lot of that is unfair.
A lot of the stigma and fear is as a direct result of the people who pretend to be something they're not and lie to their partners and/or cheat. Heterosexual people are the group generally affected by that so that part of the experience can not be denied.

I understand that your issue is with people equating being bisexual with being gay, being a cheat or being a liar.
Of course that is not the case with all.
But it is the case with some, there IS a possibility that there is more to come and that has to be allowed to be discussed.

Shutting it down completely means that arguments on the other side are strengthened.

Also I feel that sometimes when it comes to this issue people make out it's something exclusive to this issue, but on here every time a man expresses that he's unhappy or several other things then people tell his wife/girlfriend to look up the script. That's nothing to do with being bisexual or gay. It's to do with people noticing patterns and saying to be aware that there is a possibility that this could be what's coming.