Husband came out as bisexual

[TARDISmum]

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual.

It's just so odd.

I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed.

I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

I don't believe that any woman, truly deep down, would be happy knowing that her DH would like to shag men.

I've actively sought men like that out. Please don't presume to know other women's minds.

You're absolutely entitled to your boundaries and don't have to justify them to anyone.

You sought out men that enjoy sleeping with men? I assume you are not a woman and if you are - your sexual preference is very niche shall we say.

So, at the beginning, before all these silly ad hominem abusive and heterophobic attacks, this was my original post.

As I've already answered every possible permutation of every possible coercive, bullying, grilling, demanding question, there's nothing more for me to say on the subject, and I will leave it at that and be on my way.

OP, whatever you do, make sure you take care of YOURSELF. You're not a doormat or a therapist. You matter. YOUR feelings matter.

Here's my original post:

1. Anyone can leave any marriage at any time for no reason or any reason.
2. Anyone can find a person unappealing sexually at any time for no reason or any reason.
3. Nobody ever needs to offer any explanation as to why they find someone sexually unappealing.
4. It's not remotely phobic to find anyone sexually unappealing for any reason or none.
5. It is however deeply phobic and coercive to try to slyly insinuate that a person doesn't have a right to find anyone sexually appealing or unappealing for any reason or none.
6. Some people try to act coercively and pretend that heterosexual relationships are lacking, they often use words like "vanilla" to try to be slyly derogatory towards heterosexual people. Those people are bigots and coercive.
7. If you no longer find your husband sexually attractive that's absolutely fine - not phobic, not bigoted and not wrong in any way.
8. You do not owe your husband your body, your rights, your life or your support.
9. Your husband has completely changed the terms of the marriage you agreed to, so you must now renegotiate your terms.
10. You are allowed to simply dissolve the marriage if you wish to on this basis alone - and you are in the right if you choose to do so.

These statements can't be argued with, they are irrefutable.

Some questions you probably need to ask yourself.

1. Why is he telling you this now?
2. Has he been hiding this from you all along?
3. Has he only just realised this and if so, why now?
4. Is it possible he wants to fuck men?
5. If he wants to fuck men, are you ok with this?
6. If you are not ok with him fucking men are you willing and happy to lead a sexless life and just stay together as friends?
7. Why are you more concerned about supporting him than your own feelings?

There's a LOT more to consider of course, but much depends on your answers to these.

Whatever YOU decide it is entirely up to YOU.

You do not owe your husband your marriage, life, body or relationship or your support. He has completely changed the terms of your marriage.

You did NOT marry a bisexual man. You married a heterosexual man. (As was pointed out, actually he was always bisexual, but he hid it from you until now so from your perspective you married a heterosexul man).

Anyone who pretends this is unimportant or has low importance is a) a liar or b) without any understanding of how most humans operate.

Anyone who pretends anything I have stated is unfair, unkind, phobic or unclear is being a) irrational, b) coercive or both.

Good luck.

Bisexual doesn't mean "possibly straight". It means "attracted to both sexes". Please stop with the "possibly monosexual" lie.

If a woman asked if I was bi, I would tell her honestly. I don't have to volunteer that information, although if she told me explicitly that she was lesbian I probably would volunteer that I'm bi.

If the other person doesn't tell me and the other person doesn't ask, I'm reasonable is assuming that they are not bothered.

Op...you sound like a very nice woman...please don't feel you have to be too nice and accomodating in order to prove you're the cool wife.

If a huge lie such as sexual orientation has been uncovered ( and I have close friends that have been through this nightmare) It causes a rupture in the marriage and relationship breakdown has the most insidious effect on children.

In one case the children found out at school that their Dad was sleeping with men. It was the most awful situation.

You don't need to be in a relationship with both sexes to be bisexual that's not how it works!

Of course you have to volunteer that information FFS - it’s a huge part of who you are. She has a right to know who you are if it’s to be a long term relationship. You are lying by omission.

She is in total shock duh.
When it sinks in - it will be a very different story.

Being closeted about being bi isn't a lie, as long as the DH loves and is faithful to his wife. It's not the same as using a spouse as a beard.

Dad has been having risky sex with many partners. Picks up HIV, doesn’t know because he isn’t getting himself tested regularly.
Passes HIV to his wife. She passes HIV to their child, either in utero or via breastfeeding or during childbirth.
It’s possible. Obviously the crucial factor is not bisexuality but rather the risky sexual behavior.
I believe in the UK they also test all pregnant women for HIV as part of the general tests when you book in with a midwifery service, which helps to catch these cases before transmission to a baby can happen.

Yes it is a lie. Of course it is.

Are straight people expected to volunteer their sexual orientation? Are gay and lesbian people expected to volunteer this information? Or is it only bisexual people who have to ring a bell as they go like sexual lepers?

I see this thread is going the same way as the last thread on bisexuality which ended up being deleted.

Good. The biphobia is outrageous

EVERYONE needs to disclose their sexual orientation and sexual history. It’s bloody standard in all relationships. Stop playing the victim card, it is boring and unnecessary.

It’s not the sexual orientation that’s the issue - you need to see this - but the lack of honesty and integrity around it.

Straight dad can put wife and kids at the exact same risk through anal sex with women. Even the blood and transplant service recognise this now.

I also think (and sorry to sound condescending here), but when you are in your 20's and 30's, you really haven't seen enough of life, or really been around the block enough, to know when something spells danger. (I ignored many red flags in my 20's, that would be an instant deal breaker now).

So, the husband who says, "I'm bisexual, but I am 100% committed to you" is taken at face value. But 52% of marriages fail. That's without adding in another dimension, such as one person having given up 50% of their sexuality. What do those odds look like?

Are we to believe, that over the course of a 50 year marriage, with long periods of drudgery and child rearing, that at no point a bisexual man would fancy a bit of what he's been missing? It's an added risk to the marriage, because from the day you walk down the aisle, you are sorely lacking in one major thing he desires sexually. That would not be palatable to me, and feels too risky to build a life on. I would feel like I was building a house on quick sand.

Always.

We haven't got to that stage yet where people who aren't grossed out by bisexuality get called rapists for "trying to force people to be in relationships with people they don't fancy"...but it's getting close.