Page 9 | Husband came out as bisexual

TARDISmum · 2024-03-19T23:14:02+00:00

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual. It's just so odd. I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed. I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

Eyeroll2024 · 20/03/2024 08:37

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/03/2024 08:30

I refer you back to treating bisexuality as dangerous depraved "otherness" that needs a warning sign as being an example of biphobia.

Unless you expect straight men to explicitly state their straightness, you are holding bisexual men to a different, stricter standard of behaviour than straight men. This is biphobia.

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If you are getting hot and heavy with a man you assume he is heterosexual because the simple fact is that most people ARE heterosexual. There's nothing weird about that, it's not phobic and it's not bigoted, it's just simple reality.

I assume that most bisexuals don't admit they are bisexual to women because they know it is not an attractive trait to most heterosexual women.

Sexual preference is what it is, there's nothing can be done to change it and though I can sometimes sympathise with a person for lying about something that would cause them difficulties in relationships, that doesn't change the fact that it's a lie not to tell them.

And I absolutely expect hetero men (and women) to announce anything important about their sexuality at the START of a sexual relationship. Polyamory, bisexuality, AGP, BDSM. Anything relevant to your sexual orientation should be revealed early on to your sexual partners to avoid sexual deception.

You are not doing yourself any favours by clinging to these disingenuous semantics and resorting to ad hominem slurs because you are unhappy with being unable to trounce me on a basic fact.

MMNB · 20/03/2024 08:40

gannett · 20/03/2024 08:08

Any thoughts on the social stigma around homosexuality and bisexuality, particularly for men, that might cause someone to lie to themselves and struggle with accepting their sexuality? Plenty of posters on this thread saying it's disgusting, for one thing. If I thought my partner would be disgusted by an inherent part of me, I might struggle with acknowledging it too.

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I can see this is a problem and sympathise. That sympathy would not extend to me being ok with being lied to in a relationship and feeling I had to continue the relationship because #bekind. My life, happiness and preferences are important too.

I’m not disgusted by anyone being gay or bisexual, it’s part of who they are, like I’m straight. I’m neutral about it, it’s not important when it comes to friendships, family, work colleagues, neighbours etc. There are gay, (possibly bisexual, who knows), celebs that I find very attractive. But I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship a bisexual man. It’s weird that anyone has an issue with that and seems to want to erode others boundaries.

Calmdown14 · 20/03/2024 08:42

I do think that when it comes out in the context of a long term relationship, there's often more to follow.

I understand many people are bi. I am myself but I did my experimenting before the commitment to marriage. I suspect the vast majority of people experience same sex attraction at some point.

And while yes you can have the odd 'wow she's fit' about someone in the telly, I don't think most people come home and say 'Phil/Phillipa in accounts is drop dead gorgeous and I definitely would '.

Is it who you are if you never act on it, or is who you are the wife or husband if the other party. Or are you telling them this is who you now want to be, which is different?

EarthbarsforMartians · 20/03/2024 08:42

gannett · 20/03/2024 07:59

Because when someone comes out to you - child, friend, partner - it is about them, not you.

It's about having the empathy to realise that high levels of social homophobia and biphobia from childhood onwards mean that this is something they've struggled with, and their primary fear is that you won't accept them. So yes, when someone comes out to you, the response should be to support them and reassure them.

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There’s a huge difference between sitting a friend or family member down and telling them you’re bisexual and sitting your romantic partner down and telling them you’re bisexual.
If a friend or family came out to me I would be supportive. Of course. If a romantic partner sat me down and told me he was bisexual I would dump him. Why the fuck would you sit your partner down and tell them you are attracted to people fundamentally different to them and it’s an important part of your identity and you feel the need to talk about it with people? How fucking insulting is that? If you’re bisexual but happy in a monogamous relationship with an opposite sex partner then your bisexuality should be irrelevant outside of your own head and something you don’t discuss with anyone else. You have your private thoughts and fantasies and that’s fine. In my opinion it’s extremely disrespectful in a monogamous relationship to discuss attraction to others with anyone.

Eyeroll2024 · 20/03/2024 08:43

HeadInTheSand0324 · 20/03/2024 08:36

So if you were in a relationship with a man who was bisexual but hadn’t had any experience with another man, you’d be fine to date him because he hadn’t had anal sex? It’s the specific anal sex aspect of men being gay that means you wouldn't be attracted to them?

What about a bisexual man who enjoyed sexual activity with other men but had never wanted to give/receive anal sex as it wasn’t something he enjoyed. Would he be dateable in your eyes?

Or is the fact he’s attracted to men, even if anal sex isn’t part of his sex life (and never will be), enough of a reason not to date him?

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Why are you grilling women on their sexual orientation? It's none of your business who or why women want to, or don't want to have sex with.

You're behaving like a coercive bully. Maybe you're getting off on it.

Daffodil18 · 20/03/2024 08:46

There is nothing wrong with being bi. However how can he be anything if he’s married to you? It sounds like he wants to explore this side and that shouldn’t be negotiable for a healthy relationship.

Namechangey23 · 20/03/2024 08:46

HeadInTheSand0324 · 20/03/2024 08:36

So if you were in a relationship with a man who was bisexual but hadn’t had any experience with another man, you’d be fine to date him because he hadn’t had anal sex? It’s the specific anal sex aspect of men being gay that means you wouldn't be attracted to them?

What about a bisexual man who enjoyed sexual activity with other men but had never wanted to give/receive anal sex as it wasn’t something he enjoyed. Would he be dateable in your eyes?

Or is the fact he’s attracted to men, even if anal sex isn’t part of his sex life (and never will be), enough of a reason not to date him?

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I wouldn't want to date a man who might be attracted to a man over me anyway! It's not about doing it even, it's about being into that when I am not. It's about being compatible. If you met a person who really was into bondage and that was a complete turn off for you, you wouldn't want to date them would you because you'd be incompatible sexually? If you met a person who was into dressing up as a baby during sex and that was a turn off for you, you wouldn't want to have sex with them even if they had never done it or didn't do it with you because it's the THOUGHT of it that counts. That's perfectly acceptable as we are all into different things aren't we? Of course if you don't know they are into that thing then you may be ok as under a misapprehension, but at such point as it is then revealed you may then get the ick! I'm not sure why that concept is so hard for you? You seem to be trying to trip me up to try to point the homophobic finger, which is funny because I am far from that. I can be fine with gay people but not want to date one...the two things are separate.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/03/2024 08:46

Eyeroll2024 · 20/03/2024 08:37

If you are getting hot and heavy with a man you assume he is heterosexual because the simple fact is that most people ARE heterosexual. There's nothing weird about that, it's not phobic and it's not bigoted, it's just simple reality.

I assume that most bisexuals don't admit they are bisexual to women because they know it is not an attractive trait to most heterosexual women.

Sexual preference is what it is, there's nothing can be done to change it and though I can sometimes sympathise with a person for lying about something that would cause them difficulties in relationships, that doesn't change the fact that it's a lie not to tell them.

And I absolutely expect hetero men (and women) to announce anything important about their sexuality at the START of a sexual relationship. Polyamory, bisexuality, AGP, BDSM. Anything relevant to your sexual orientation should be revealed early on to your sexual partners to avoid sexual deception.

You are not doing yourself any favours by clinging to these disingenuous semantics and resorting to ad hominem slurs because you are unhappy with being unable to trounce me on a basic fact.

Edited

Show quote history

If you are getting hot and heavy with a man you assume he is heterosexual because the simple fact is that most people ARE heterosexual. There's nothing weird about that, it's not phobic and it's not bigoted, it's just simple reality.

I assume nothing of the sort. You are protecting your values onto me. I don't assume that anyone I meet is straight.

Dazedandconfusedma · 20/03/2024 08:47

TasteOfHerCherryChapstick · 19/03/2024 23:26

You'll likely get some very negative views on MN. Ignore the people telling you he'll cheat/ he's gay/ you need an STI check / they couldn't have a relationship with a bisexual man etc

Lots and lots of bi people are happily monogamous in long term relationships. Talk to him and find out more. What's made him realise/ what's made him want to tell you now?

Couldn’t agree more.

OP, you sound like a very open and supportive wife, he must have told you because he feels safe. I wish you both luck in figuring this out.

Eyeroll2024 · 20/03/2024 08:48

MMNB · 20/03/2024 08:40

I can see this is a problem and sympathise. That sympathy would not extend to me being ok with being lied to in a relationship and feeling I had to continue the relationship because #bekind. My life, happiness and preferences are important too.

I’m not disgusted by anyone being gay or bisexual, it’s part of who they are, like I’m straight. I’m neutral about it, it’s not important when it comes to friendships, family, work colleagues, neighbours etc. There are gay, (possibly bisexual, who knows), celebs that I find very attractive. But I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship a bisexual man. It’s weird that anyone has an issue with that and seems to want to erode others boundaries.

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"It’s weird that anyone has an issue with that and seems to want to erode others boundaries."

Yes, this. The absolute grilling being given and the incredibly coercive rudeness in some of these posts is astonishing.

It's just not their place, their right or their business to scream at heterosexual women like this.

I don't find bisexual men attractive.

The. End.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/03/2024 08:49

EarthbarsforMartians · 20/03/2024 08:42

There’s a huge difference between sitting a friend or family member down and telling them you’re bisexual and sitting your romantic partner down and telling them you’re bisexual.
If a friend or family came out to me I would be supportive. Of course. If a romantic partner sat me down and told me he was bisexual I would dump him. Why the fuck would you sit your partner down and tell them you are attracted to people fundamentally different to them and it’s an important part of your identity and you feel the need to talk about it with people? How fucking insulting is that? If you’re bisexual but happy in a monogamous relationship with an opposite sex partner then your bisexuality should be irrelevant outside of your own head and something you don’t discuss with anyone else. You have your private thoughts and fantasies and that’s fine. In my opinion it’s extremely disrespectful in a monogamous relationship to discuss attraction to others with anyone.

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Short version: back to the closet, you bi freaks.

How I am meant to be out without being out to my partner, pray tell?

ZekeZeke · 20/03/2024 08:49

OP he most likely has already explored his bisexuality-my advice, get yourself tested.

If you are still sexually active, use condoms.

I would have the total ick to be honest, I couldn't be married/in a relationship with a man that found other men attractive, that's just me.

Namechangey23 · 20/03/2024 08:49

EarthbarsforMartians · 20/03/2024 08:42

There’s a huge difference between sitting a friend or family member down and telling them you’re bisexual and sitting your romantic partner down and telling them you’re bisexual.
If a friend or family came out to me I would be supportive. Of course. If a romantic partner sat me down and told me he was bisexual I would dump him. Why the fuck would you sit your partner down and tell them you are attracted to people fundamentally different to them and it’s an important part of your identity and you feel the need to talk about it with people? How fucking insulting is that? If you’re bisexual but happy in a monogamous relationship with an opposite sex partner then your bisexuality should be irrelevant outside of your own head and something you don’t discuss with anyone else. You have your private thoughts and fantasies and that’s fine. In my opinion it’s extremely disrespectful in a monogamous relationship to discuss attraction to others with anyone.

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Yes this!! This this this.

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/03/2024 08:49

HeadInTheSand0324 · 20/03/2024 08:36

So if you were in a relationship with a man who was bisexual but hadn’t had any experience with another man, you’d be fine to date him because he hadn’t had anal sex? It’s the specific anal sex aspect of men being gay that means you wouldn't be attracted to them?

What about a bisexual man who enjoyed sexual activity with other men but had never wanted to give/receive anal sex as it wasn’t something he enjoyed. Would he be dateable in your eyes?

Or is the fact he’s attracted to men, even if anal sex isn’t part of his sex life (and never will be), enough of a reason not to date him?

Show quote history

The thing is she doesn't have to explain to you or anyone.

It's her preference. She doesn't want to. Accept it.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/03/2024 08:51

HeadInTheSand0324 · 20/03/2024 08:36

So if you were in a relationship with a man who was bisexual but hadn’t had any experience with another man, you’d be fine to date him because he hadn’t had anal sex? It’s the specific anal sex aspect of men being gay that means you wouldn't be attracted to them?

What about a bisexual man who enjoyed sexual activity with other men but had never wanted to give/receive anal sex as it wasn’t something he enjoyed. Would he be dateable in your eyes?

Or is the fact he’s attracted to men, even if anal sex isn’t part of his sex life (and never will be), enough of a reason not to date him?

Show quote history

People don't have to justify their sexual preferences. Back off. Its rapey to insinuate that their reasons aren't good enough.

Eyeroll2024 · 20/03/2024 08:53

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/03/2024 08:46

If you are getting hot and heavy with a man you assume he is heterosexual because the simple fact is that most people ARE heterosexual. There's nothing weird about that, it's not phobic and it's not bigoted, it's just simple reality.

I assume nothing of the sort. You are protecting your values onto me. I don't assume that anyone I meet is straight.

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Luckily, that's not what I said. These logical fallacies are getting very tiresome. Ad hominem, straw man, what else I wonder...

I couldn't care less and never think about people's sexuality as a whole.

And a fact is not a value.

I said that if you are getting hot and heavy with a man you assume he is heterosexual. Which is true.

It wasn't terribly well worded, I should have said "If a heterosexual woman is getting hot and heavy with a man a heterosexual woman will assume he is heterosexual since most people are".

Again, just a fact.

Naturally, you will consider things differently since you are bisexual. As a minority with different sexual preferences to the majority naturally you will think of things differently.

HollyKnight · 20/03/2024 08:53

It's interesting that all the comparisons being made are with deviant activities. It's almost like people think being anything other than heterosexual is deviant. 🙄

betterangels · 20/03/2024 08:53

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/03/2024 01:31

Bi now, bi later. Quit with the biphobia. We exist.

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Thank you! Yes, we do. Wow at some of these answers.

JacquiSun · 20/03/2024 08:55

I've been with my wife for 16 years. We're lesbians, I knew that when I met her. If she had told me she was bisexual back then, I wouldn't have dated her. It just wasn't something I could have related to at the time. If she announced now, I wouldn't like it.

TheGhostILoveTheMost · 20/03/2024 08:55

I haven't RTFT I only saw the first few responses.
The amount of biphobic nonsense given here 🙄

I'm also bi. I came out to my husband when I realised because I felt I was hiding something from him.
I'm bi, I'm also monogamous.
Bi doesn't = promiscuous.

Eyeroll2024 · 20/03/2024 08:55

HollyKnight · 20/03/2024 08:53

It's interesting that all the comparisons being made are with deviant activities. It's almost like people think being anything other than heterosexual is deviant. 🙄

Not by any of the heterosexual women on the thread. Only bisexual commenters have alluded to bisexual people being seen as deviant and have attempted to project those values onto others and put those words in the mouths of commenters who have not said, implied or inferred them.

Eyeroll2024 · 20/03/2024 08:56

TheGhostILoveTheMost · 20/03/2024 08:55

I haven't RTFT I only saw the first few responses.
The amount of biphobic nonsense given here 🙄

I'm also bi. I came out to my husband when I realised because I felt I was hiding something from him.
I'm bi, I'm also monogamous.
Bi doesn't = promiscuous.

Edited

Did anybody say bi equals promiscuous? I may have missed it.

Could you quote that please? Thanks.

HollyKnight · 20/03/2024 08:56

Eyeroll2024 · 20/03/2024 08:53

Luckily, that's not what I said. These logical fallacies are getting very tiresome. Ad hominem, straw man, what else I wonder...

I couldn't care less and never think about people's sexuality as a whole.

And a fact is not a value.

I said that if you are getting hot and heavy with a man you assume he is heterosexual. Which is true.

It wasn't terribly well worded, I should have said "If a heterosexual woman is getting hot and heavy with a man a heterosexual woman will assume he is heterosexual since most people are".

Again, just a fact.

Naturally, you will consider things differently since you are bisexual. As a minority with different sexual preferences to the majority naturally you will think of things differently.

Edited

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Well, I'm straight but also smart enough to realise not everyone is and so I've never assumed to know anyone's definite sexuality just because we're getting hot and heavy. But if it never occurs to you, then maybe that explains your attitude towards it.

HeadInTheSand0324 · 20/03/2024 08:58

Eyeroll2024 · 20/03/2024 08:43

Why are you grilling women on their sexual orientation? It's none of your business who or why women want to, or don't want to have sex with.

You're behaving like a coercive bully. Maybe you're getting off on it.

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😂😂😂😂😂

HollyKnight · 20/03/2024 08:59

Eyeroll2024 · 20/03/2024 08:55

Not by any of the heterosexual women on the thread. Only bisexual commenters have alluded to bisexual people being seen as deviant and have attempted to project those values onto others and put those words in the mouths of commenters who have not said, implied or inferred them.

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Yes by heterosexual women. One tried to use dressing as a baby as an equivalent reason to be turned off. Others have mentioned bandage/BDSM.