Husband came out as bisexual

[TARDISmum]

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual.

It's just so odd.

I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed.

I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

But you have no idea whether any given man you see fucks other men unless they tell you. Presumably you can still find them attractive. If the idea of gay sex then elicits disgust in you, well, there's a word for that.

Nah. Nobody has to submit to the Spanish Inquisition because it would suit you and it would make zero difference as sexuality and preferences are inherent and won't be changed by badgering, bullying coercion and deep and meaningful discussions.

We can just fancy anyone we fancy and not fancy anyone we don't fancy, your permission neither required nor requested :)

Any thoughts on the social stigma around homosexuality and bisexuality, particularly for men, that might cause someone to lie to themselves and struggle with accepting their sexuality? Plenty of posters on this thread saying it's disgusting, for one thing. If I thought my partner would be disgusted by an inherent part of me, I might struggle with acknowledging it too.

Saying you are only attracted to heterosexual men isn't absurd. It's offensive and heterophobic for you to claim that.

You wouldn't tell a gay man he's absurd for wanting to only sleep with other gay men.

It's the same claptrap that elements of Stonewall come out with when lesbians are called transhobic for not wanting to sleep with transwomen with a penis.

It's coercive and ultimately removes freedom of consent. Appalling.

If you're so against discussion and unpacking deeper issues around social attitudes towards sexuality, I'm not sure why you think your loudly ignorant voice is so valuable to this conversation.

I've never once encountered a straight man who insists his partner has to be straight as well, and for whom female bisexuality would be a deal-breaker. Funny that.

Just because you’ve never encountered them, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. I know my partner wouldn’t have liked it if I was bi, and I know a couple of men who haven’t continued relationships with bi women once they knew. Maybe some/many men wouldn’t care, some because they fetishise women who are attracted to women, but not all, and for some, a bi woman would be a dealbreaker, which is ok,

I don’t know any women who would be ok with dating a bisexual man but it doesn’t mean that I think those women don’t exist. It only means that I don’t know any or I haven’t had that conversation with them. A friend who is gay would not date a bi woman when she was dating, she only dated other lesbians. Her now wife apparently felt the same.

Who you date and what criteria you have isn’t anyone else’s business, it doesn’t have to conform with the equality act. You can not date someone for any reason at all.

Im bisexual... repeating that again. I have always known since teens and always been honest to partners.
My ex before the last one...came out as gay. He wasted 5 years of my life. I asked him if he was gay, i was open to the answer..that i wouldn't judge him or tell anyone, that wasnt my job...but leaving it another 4 year was the stinger when id already asked him few times. And the dishonesty. He knew.

Heterophobia doesn't exist. HTH.

Every gay man I know has been attracted to straight men in their time. Because the straightness is not something that's necessarily a visible characteristic.

It is fine for him to talk about it ( if you are fine to listen to it) but if he is telling you about it because he wants to act on it ,or already has, then that is no different from an entirely heterosexual married man wanting to sleep with other women. It isn't brave and strong. He is married to you, a woman, and IMO that's that . It would be a total deal breaker for me if my husband decided he wanted to actively explore his bi sexuality just as it would be a deal breaker if he accidentally fell into another woman's vagina.

Yes, I could think a gay or bi man is attractive. But I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with one.

Now you're not even trying to hide it. The double standard is disgusting.

You don't get to decide for others. Stop gaslighting women.

I'm sure some women do fantasize about gay men..but it's not exactly so commonly eroticised as the whole 'lipstick lesbian' stuff is for men is it? Which you will often see mentioned in mainstream movies with men slathering over a pair of lesbians (yawn!) But rarely the other way around. Honestly, anal sex gives me the ick, tried it several times, didn't like it any time I don't like anything that's been in poo going near me, you could say I have an aversion to it. Changing nappies is fun! So thought of gay men having sex doesn't do it for me (sorry!). Trust me there are many other things to get up to for spicey sex, that just isn't my thing. And that's ok. I don't have an issue with men finding other men attractive at all as I have friends who are gay...but I wouldn't find my husband attractive anymore if he was bi sorry. It would be the lack of trust and lying which would be the major deal breaker for me.

I told my husband I was bi despite having no desire to be with a women or another man for that matter. It's part of who I am, why wouldn't I tell him?

Sorry I attached the wrong quote to this, removing.

Nope, nobody on this thread said it was disgusting. Just you.

She's not his therapist and the marriage has now fundamentally changed. She needs to look after herself.

Any thoughts on the thousands of years of violence against women by men and the terrorising, coercing and doormatting of women so they are forced to be emotional supports and counsellors for men no matter how miserable they are and no matter whether they want to be there or not?

No, thought not.

@gannett so if I don't like the idea of gay i.e anal sex I must be a homophobe 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Way to go! Light the torches, grab the pitchforks and fetch the ducking stools!

I refer you back to treating bisexuality as dangerous depraved "otherness" that needs a warning sign as being an example of biphobia.

Unless you expect straight men to explicitly state their straightness, you are holding bisexual men to a different, stricter standard of behaviour than straight men. This is biphobia.

I don't like anything that's been in poo going near me

Neither do some gay and bi men. They are called "sides".

@Namechangey23 would you expect a straight male partner to disclose before the third date if he had ever had or fantasized about anal sex with a woman?

No it isn’t?
If they didn’t want to say or wernt sure or it didn’t even occur that’s totally fine.
Actually it’s a bit selfish in my mind to reveal this now, unless you want to have sex with someone else.
It makes not a jot of difference in real terms.
I don’t want to know when my husband is fancying someone else on tv or just out and about and the same applies for me. We don’t tend to go cor look at him / her, I fancy a bit of that. So what on Earth does it matter

I wouldn’t be impressed if my husband came out and told me he was BI after so many years today.

I wouldn’t ever date a bisexual man.

Id be furious he kept me in the dark and lied for so long and wouldn’t understand why he had a sudden urge to tell me.

Next he will be telling you he wants to explore that side of himself. No way.

I have a couple of friends who used to be married to men and who are now married to women (met after their marriages broke up). I guess they’re bisexual but probably didn’t know it before. They just fell in love with people.

Loads of bi people among my children’s friends. I think everyone’s more relaxed about sexuality in that generation. There are probably loads of older people who are bisexual but are or have been typically in straight or gay relationships. If you’re monogamous, I just can’t see why it matters.

The OP’s husband may have thought for years that he was harbouring a ‘dirty’ secret (not necessarily to do with the church — the CofE is very broad and it’s not a small number of Christians genuinely obsessed with other people’s sex lives). Now he isn’t. It’s probably no more than that.

So if you were in a relationship with a man who was bisexual but hadn’t had any experience with another man, you’d be fine to date him because he hadn’t had anal sex? It’s the specific anal sex aspect of men being gay that means you wouldn't be attracted to them?

What about a bisexual man who enjoyed sexual activity with other men but had never wanted to give/receive anal sex as it wasn’t something he enjoyed. Would he be dateable in your eyes?

Or is the fact he’s attracted to men, even if anal sex isn’t part of his sex life (and never will be), enough of a reason not to date him?