Husband came out as bisexual

[TARDISmum]

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual.

It's just so odd.

I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed.

I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

I would argue that if someone requires that their partner have a particular orientation, that they ask.

You compared being bisexual to a list of paraphilias, like BDSM and AGP, that one would reasonably expect disclosure of.

My sexual orientation is not a fetish! If you wanted a clear example of biphobia, comparing bisexuality to wearing adult nappies would be it!

Any poster saying that the husband has announced he is bi as he wants OP to agree he can fuck men aka cheat/stop being monogamous to her has got a “bi people can’t help themselves shagging both sexes” mentality. AKA accusing them of indiscriminate sexual behaviour, AKA promiscuity.

HTH.

OP, I am sorry your thread has turned out this way. You may be better starting a new one in the Sex topic as many posters hide that.

What attitude towards what?

You mean my attitude that a person shouldn't try to argumentatively and bullying coerce anyone into shifting their sexual boundaries?

Or my attitude that people have a right to be attracted to whomever they are attracted to without explaining it to you or anybody else>

Or are you heterophobically saying I am not allowed to be attracted only to heterosexual men?

Or, to get back to the point of the thread, do you mean my attitude about not wanting the OP to be a doormat counsellor to her husband and that if he has been lying to her I find that unacceptable?

Please only reply to what I have said, not what you imagine I have said or wish I had said, it just makes for less odd discussions.

I'm not seeing any quotes here? So nobody actually said that then?

Well I am glad, as I don't like bigotry, and it would be bigoted to infer or imply that bisexual men are necessarily promiscuous.

It is clear from my post that it has been implied ( and I have inferred from those implications)

HTH.

You can read the thread and find your quotes as well as I can. 🤷‍♀️

Did you get banned or just change name?

Nope, your sexuality is even more important than any paraphilia. I actually couldn't come up with anything which was just as important in a sexual relationship as disclosing your sexuality, as not doing so equals sex by deception.

You're right, of course, you can alter paraphilias but not sexual orientation so it is deeply and acutely important to be upfront and not lie to your partners about your sexual orientation.

You seem to be implying that bisexual people can't be trusted to tell the truth to their sexual partners. I just assumed bisexual people should be held to the same standards as anyone else.

There is not a chance I would date, marry or have children with a bi man. I wouldn’t find that side of him sexually attractive or appealing in any way.

I would question my ability to satisfy him. I would question whether he dreamt of having sex with men. It would undermine my confidence and trust and that’s assuming he told me from the beginning.

I don’t believe adults wake up one day and suddenly become bi out of absolutely nowhere, they would have had an inkling years before, and yet decided not to share such important information - it’s pretty unforgivable in my book - a deception of this magnitude decades into a marriage. I would end the marriage because in my eyes it would all be based on a lie. The trust would be gone for good. The thought of intimacy would give me the ick, I would want to be with a truly heterosexual man, that is not messy or complicated.

Either you come out before getting into a relationship with a partner and they know and are fine with it. Or if you figured out that you are bisexual while already in a committed relationship then you accept that telling your partner might mean they are no longer attracted to you. Your choice. Is it more important to you to stay in this committed relationship with this partner, or is it more important to tell everyone you’re attracted to people who aren’t like your partner. I don’t think there’s one right choice there for bisexual people. If it’s more important to be out then fine. But it’s ridiculous to expect your romantic partner to not be affected by your announcement. Like I said earlier on, for a lot of people, attraction has to be mutual. There simply isn’t an attraction if they do not feel desired by their partner. And talking about how you desire people who are different to your partner could damage their attraction to you.

My response would be to ask why did he tell you? Because he's attracted to a guy and wishes to explore that, or has something already happened in his past? Or is he saying he might want to look in the future? Or is it just "fyi" (after 12 years?) Depending on the answer only you can decide whether that's a deal breaker for your ongoing relationship. You say you want to be supportive so you need to talk honestly about future expectations of your marriage.

I don't believe that any woman, truly deep down, would be happy knowing that her DH would like to shag men.

What I do believe, is that (younger) women these days, are so conditioned to be "cool", and accepting (even if it goes against their core values), that they will, at their own expense, twist themselves into any shape, to fit around the current trend. Because if they don't, they could be called Bi-phobic, bigoted, homophobic etc. We are constantly being conditioned by men, to put our own needs last. We have seen it in these posts here.

The Op, a case in point, not wanting to push her DH, lest she impacts his mental health. HIS mental health? He wasn't thinking too much about her well being, when he married her under false pretences. He's not thinking about how she feels, now that he has sat her down to reveal his bomb shell. It's all about him. And the Op can't see it. It's all softly softly, instead of saying how she really feels, which is truly blindsided.

I also wonder, why this revelation now? 100% he wants to act on it, otherwise why upset the apple cart?

I'm 54, and I couldn't give two shits what people think about me. Call me all the names you want, I don't care, and there's no way that I want a man in my bed that shags other men. It's a turn off for me. Those men can do what they want in life (of course), but they're just not in my dating pool. Neither are skinny men, short men, aggressive men, men who kill animals, men who won't travel, men who don't work, men who have small kids.......and so on and so on. My vagina, my choice.

This makes no sense, please clarify what you mean. Are you ESL?

Marvellous comment :)

You may be better starting a new one in the Sex topic as many posters hide that.

Lol at recommending the sex board. It’s full of blokes trying to erode women’s boundaries and there have been many men deleted for pretending to be women. It’s also known for being used to gain info for wank fodder and men oversharing. Good luck with that. 🤮

@Adhdorlazy

''Hmm - Bi now, gay later.''

This is such an ignorant comment.

It is daft to suggest that every bisexual person is a gay in waiting.

Some people are attracted to men and women. End of story.

It is also bonkers that people can't grasp that being bisexual does not mean you can't be monogamous.

So, again, no quotes. I didn't see anyone saying what you claimed, but thought I might have missed it. It seems I did not.

@mmnb Whereas this thread is full of shitty meanness.

I will leave you to it. Good luck, OP.

Yet if I was straight, which would also rightly be deemed important, I wouldn't be expected to proactively disclose it...

Double standard.

I don't believe a single person said that being bisexual meant you could not be monogamous.

Perhaps I missed it.

I agree with you. How on earth is it any woman’s interest to be with a man that swings both ways - and a life time of double guessing and insecurity. I can not see the appeal, but I am sure there are women that will put up with it.

Nope, already asked and answered. As the vast majority of people are heterosexual, the assumption by everyone (yes everyone whether they admit it or not) is that you are hetero if you are getting hot and heavy with a person of the opposite sex.

Just reality.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia Don't you know the rules? Lying is wrong. Unless you are already married. In which case it's ok to lie so you don't upset your partner.

You absolutely WOULD have to disclose that you were possibly straight if you were in a gay relationship!

It is not a double standard. It’s called honesty.