Husband came out as bisexual

[TARDISmum]

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual.

It's just so odd.

I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed.

I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

I assumed that heterosexuality was a polite fiction until I was in my thirties, and married with two children, and that fancying people of the same sex was just one of those things that everyone did but just didn't mention out of social convention. I was absolutely gobsmacked to realise that lots of women genuinely don't find other women attractive.

So when I realised that a significant proportion of society in fact believed that I was a lying, cheating, disease-spreading, hypersexual who would ruin her children's lives and be up for a threesome, wanted her husband to be fine with her having casual sex with women, and was incapable of faithfulness in a relationship with a man or a woman but also is actually secretly heterosexual and just wants male attention, it came as quite a nasty shock.

It would be an issue for me as I would no longer feel attracted to them if I knew they were attracted to men.

Your post made me smile because I can remember the exact moment when I realised I was bisexual. I was in my mid 20s and I had always been attracted to females but I thought those feelings were the norm for every woman so had never questioned it.

Then one night I was out with friends and I asked one of them which famous woman they felt attracted to and she looked at me totally horrified! She told she’d never been attracted to a woman and I was gobsmacked 😂 I said, “Never?!” My friend looked at me really confused and said “No, never!” And she just looked so aghast at the suggestion that a lightbulb went off in my head and I realised that the way I felt about women wasn’t how all women felt about women 😂

Even now I still can’t fully understand how a woman can’t look at another beautiful woman and feel sexually attracted to her. The concept is a little bit alien to me.

I obviously know straight people exist but I have no idea what it’s like to see the world like that or what it feels like to only have sexual feelings towards one sex. When I try to imagine what it would be like to never feel attracted to a woman I genuinely can’t get my head around it 😂

Assuming he knew he was bisexual then yes, he absolutely did lie. A lie of omission is still a lie.

It is absolutely not any woman's job to ask the man who is stripping naked with her "Hey, do you fuck and fancy men too?" The time for that discussion is at the very beginning, before you ever have sex at all.

If he knew and did not tell her, he lied. Anything else is disingenuous semantics.

My work friend was happily married to a woman but he too came out as bisexual. He’d been attracted to men for years but hadn’t felt comfortable enough to be open about it.

Unfortunately his marriage did break down as he felt the need to explore his attraction to men. He thinks if he had down this in his earlier years, he may well still be married.

You need to speak to your husband and find out if he is still committed to a monogamous marriage but happens to be attracted to men, or if he feels the desire to explore his sexuality further.

I agree with this. And the fact ppl are so caught up with (pressured) into announcing their sexuality.

Who you find sexually attractive isn’t the sole aspect of your identity. It’s who you find sexually attractive. You don’t need to, or should be expected to, wear this as a badge or reveal this to everyone you encounter - “Hi, I’m Carl/Carol it’s nice to meet you, and before we get this conversation off the ground I need to tell you I actually fancy other men/women. Also I’m a partial vegetarian. My favourite colours purple. I have French and German ancestry. My grandfathers name was Michael…. I like badgers… What difference does it make to them as a person?

I obviously understand the importance of Gay pride and ppl choosing to adopt the LGBTQI(etc) identities as a lifestyle, which is entirely their choice, but for every individual to be expected to announce who they might/would prefer to sleep with in no particular context is bizarre to me. Why is it anyone other than you and your partner’s business? And as long as you are not deceiving them into believing you are attracted and committed to them when you’re not, why should ppl feel forced to announce deeply personal information if it has no bearing on others?

Some ppl can harbour secret attractions to different types and all sorts of varied sexual fantasies and proclivities. It doesn’t mean they they intend or even want to act on them.

-This isn’t in reference to OP’s situation as it appears that her OH has made this statement completely un-pressured and voluntarily and she is doing an amazing job of supporting him and more importantly accepting him.

@TARDISmum “I just want to make sure I support him well as his wife. For him to know it's okay and to talk about.”

What about you?! No skin in the game, no strong opinions on bisexuality but my first thought is you are so focussed on his needs, his feelings.

The huge issue with all the OTT posts fixating on his "lie" is that they ignore the rampant homophobia and biphobia that causes LGBT people to be closeted in the first place. You don't seem to understand that when there's a social stigma attached to your sexuality, accepting it in yourself isn't easy, let alone telling other people. This is particularly the case for people like OP's husband, who were raised in a strict religious environment.

LGBT people can't win for some people. If you come out, you get accused of attention-seeking and paving the way for deviant behaviour, but also that your previous silence means you're a dishonest, conniving liar. I suppose the ideal for those people is that LGBT people simply remain in the closet forever and never talk about it?

If I started believing in God, I would tell my husband, because it would be an important fact about me. Even if I didn’t want to start going to church.

Why do a couple of posters think that him telling her automatically means he wants to date/fuck men?

@Attryn

"I'm bi, been married for 15 years, didn't know I was bi when we got married, it's something I've come to realise through having gay friends and just hearing more spoken about it. I'm 50 and it just wasn't a thing when I was young. There were gay men talked about a bit in hushed tones regarding AIDS but I never heard of lesbians let alone bi people.

I've never told my husband but I want to because it feels like it's who I am and he should know and I'd like him to know me for everything that I am. I feel a bit like I'm living a lie."

I'm 61 and had gay friends at school, male and female, and all my life. There were no hushed tones- there was nothing but support and sympathy at the start of the AIDS crisis. Philadelphia came out in 1993 so you would have been 19 or 20. It most certainly was 'a thing'

Perhaps in the circles you moved in it was like that, but in a busy Midlands town it was not. Maybe if things had been different in your circles you would have realised earlier in life. But it's so odd that you sincerely believe it wasn't 'a thing'?.

@Loubelle70

"You need to tell him. Don't waste his time...or use his time up"

Waste his time how? It's perfectly normal for a bisexual person to fall in love and have a monogamous relationship. You're making sweeping judgements there.

As for the absurd "I am only attracted to heterosexual men" (even though you have no way of knowing whether an attractive man you've just seen is straight, gay, bi, whatever) line, it always strikes me as directly analogous to men who get bothered by their partner's sexual history and fixate on how many people she's slept with. Which is also dickhead behaviour.

It's rooted in the idea that sex with (other) men somehow "taints" you and makes you dirty. A woman who's slept with many men is called a slut, easy etc. A man who admits he's attracted to men is deemed unmasculine, deviant, etc.

I've never once encountered a straight man who insists his partner has to be straight as well, and for whom female bisexuality would be a deal-breaker. Funny that.

Wait, do people think bisexuality is a polite fiction? I haven't seen anyone suggest that. How odd.

Edited to add, oh wait, years ago a gay friend of mine in So Cal was dating a bisexual man and he flatly said to me "There's no such thing as bisexual" to which I replied "Don't be ridiculous, that's like saying there's no such thing as homosexual". He didn't like the idea that his partner was into women as well and felt a bit threatened by that I think.

The fact that the vast majority of humans are heterosexual is just reality, it's not a conspiracy against those who aren't.

And you seem to believe that a large proportion of society think bisexuals are lying, cheating disease spreading hypersexuals. Perhaps you are projecting your own beliefs, because I've never heard anyone say this and I didn't see anyone comment in this fashion.

I see what you are trying to do here, but it doesn't work I'm afraid.

@Sceptical123 ”she is doing an amazing job of supporting him and more importantly accepting him.”

Please can we drop the “be kind” bollocks. OP’s DH has thrown a hand grenade into the marriage. It’s not irrecoverable, it’s not the end of the world but it is about her and her needs wants and feelings and all this centering of being a lovely supportive wife isn’t going to get them through it or look after her.

Applause.

"I've never once encountered a straight man who insists his partner has to be straight as well, and for whom female bisexuality would be a deal-breaker. Funny that"

That's because many men fantasize about lesbians! They get off on the idea. You only have to look at all the porn available for men on that topic to confirm it! I don't think the same is necessarily true in reverse, if my partner revealed he was bi it would be a turn off for me I'm afraid and give me the ick.

I don’t think people should have to announce their sexuality to random people, but I think it’s important in a relationship.

Some ppl can harbour secret attractions to different types and all sorts of varied sexual fantasies and proclivities. It doesn’t mean they they intend or even want to act on them.

I’d be concerned that a man was suppressing something that could potentially be an issue later when they wanted to try it. As a woman in a relationship with a straight man, as long as it’s legal and not obviously immoral, everything is possible. If the man is bi, there are things that as a woman, I just can’t do due to being a woman. I think sexuality is such a big part of who we are, that we should be honest with partners. If you haven’t realised, but then do, and tell them, you have to accept that it may change things.

Just grew up in a small town, I didn't think it was that unusual to be honest.

When I was young, in my life in a small town in the west midlands, it wasn't a thing that was talked about. I'm not sure why you can't understand that everyone's experiences are different?

Because when someone comes out to you - child, friend, partner - it is about them, not you.

It's about having the empathy to realise that high levels of social homophobia and biphobia from childhood onwards mean that this is something they've struggled with, and their primary fear is that you won't accept them. So yes, when someone comes out to you, the response should be to support them and reassure them.

Nah, loads of women just don't find men who fuck other men attractive and you don't get to tell them how to feel or why they feel it :)

You sound like you don't have much respect for bisexual men or women who have multiple partners though tbh.

And you seem to believe that a large proportion of society think bisexuals are lying, cheating disease spreading hypersexuals. Perhaps you are projecting your own beliefs, because I've never heard anyone say this and I didn't see anyone comment in this fashion.

This is hilarious.

Yeah, there’s not a single comment on this thread about bisexual/gay men being liars, unable to remain faithful and spreading disease.

Not a sinlge one 🙄

Many straight women fantasise about gay sex. A glance at the female-dominated fan fiction community will prove that.

Why would the idea that your partner finds men attractive give you the ick? Even if he said he didn't intend to act on it? And you wouldn't even have to see it? That one thing immediately undoes all the things you find attractive about him?

I'm not saying you can't feel how you feel, but it really is worth thinking about why the idea of a man finding anothe rman attractive elicits such disgust in you.

Nope. When your husband has been lying to you for years, for whatever reason, you definitely do NOT have to worry about their feelings above your own.

You're not his counsellor and didn't sign up to be his doormat.

Your response should be to ensure that you are safe, looked after and have room to process the enormous bomb that went off in your life.