Husband came out as bisexual

[TARDISmum]

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual.

It's just so odd.

I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed.

I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

I might sound ignorant but what do you mean to talk about it? What other men or the fact he’s bi? Would you happily sit talking to him about other woman when you thought he was straight?

I agree.
Im bisexual and have always been honest to Partners from the outset. I think its very important to be up front about it asap. I think it is dishonest if not. I call it 'wasting someone else's pretty'... wasting their young years when their partner could have made informed decision before commitment.
We arent in times now where sexuality is massively frowned upon...unless its religious/family fear.

Where have I said that? And how am I supposed to know the sexual orientation of all the posters on here? Throwing around insults isn’t ’calling our bi-phobia’. It’s just childish.
Calling out any form of discrimination is important, calling people names isn’t the same thing.
FYI - definition of bigotry.
the fact of having and expressing strong, unreasonable beliefs and disliking other people who have different beliefs or a different way of life

Except OP says there was family + religious fear

I think for many people attraction really hinges on feeling desired by someone you also desire, and that that desire needs to be strong enough to exclude all others. So even talking about other people who your partner might be attracted to damages your attraction to them, particularly if they are saying they are attracted to people who are very unlike you in some way. So for a heterosexual woman who only feels arousal if she feels a man wants her and wants her enough that any thoughts of attraction to others just pale into insignificance, the idea of a man she is in a relationship with announcing to the world or to her that he is attracted to men and considers it a fundamental part of his identity, that announcement in an of itself damages her ability to feel desired by him and feel desire towards him, in the same way a man talking about how hot women with whatever characteristic she does not herself possess would damage her relationship.

But thats your family...you didn't enter those relationships ...they had you.
A partner, you go into that relationship Knowing yourself, and they have the right to honesty from outset so they can make informed decision before possibly wasting their time. Im bi.

Some of the responses on here OP are exactly why he may have taken a while to process, accept and then share with you that he's bisexual.

Growing up hearing this kind of negative stereotyping and scaremongering about a part of you that is important and deeply personal is hard and it's no wonder many people repress and hide this, even subconsciously hiding from themselves.

Sexuality is who you're (potentially) attracted to, not who you are having sex with. Coming to realise you may be bisexual, if you haven't had any experiences and have been in straight relationships all your life is a gradual process and doesn't always run in parallel to your opposite sex attraction.

If you're not comfortable being married to a bisexual man, you divorce him, you have that right. So does OP. Every human has the right to sovereignty about their sex life.

What you don't have the right to do is to:

• equate being closeted about bisexuality with being a liar
• equate being bisexual with being gay
• equate being bisexual with being a cheat

And I will challenge you on this.

Im talking generally to some replies.

Pointing out bigotry like 'bi people cheat' and 'bi people are gay' isn't name calling.
Policing people in the way you were upthread is also part of the problem.
Gordon Brown was quite right when he called that woman a bigot. Confronting prejudices isn't comfortable for anyone. But the biphobia on this thread is awful. Simply awful.

This is my thought too.
It would be an instant turn off for me and no way back.

Anyone can have any deal breakers they like - anything at all. One of mine would be my partner coming out as bi. Nothing at all to do with any other bisexual people. I can have them as friends, family, colleagues etc while not wanting to have sex with them. And that's OK.

People's sexual orientation is largely fixed, but they can be in denial about it. A person has to be honest with themselves before they can ever be honest with their spouse. Someone at the lower end of the Kinsey Scale might not recognise their same-sex attraction as easily as they recognise their opposite-sex attraction and might only realise it after marriage.

The bigotry and ignorance on this thread is astounding. Bi now gay later? Because he's bi it means he wants to experiment with men? Honestly ladies, if you haven't got a clue what on earth you are on about, perhaps best not to comment at all as you only make yourselves look stupid.

Hi OP,

I’m in my 40s and happily married with children. I am also bisexual and have known it since I was mid 20s, although reflecting back I can see that my attraction to women started when I was about 17/18.

My husband doesn’t know I’m bisexual and for years I have been wondering if I should tell him.

Part of me feels he deserves to know because it’s part of who I am, but the other part doesn’t want to tell him because I’m scared of how he will react.

There are a lot of negative views of bisexual people, as this thread as showed, so it’s more I will take my secret to the grave.

You sound incredibly supportive and I bet he feels a huge sense of relief that you have been so understanding 💐

Well, yes he knew he was bisexual. But she did not. So as far as she was concerned she was married to a heterosexual man.

He lied about this, so of course it's on him.

And yes, sexual orientation is innate, you can't alter it, which is why it's so awful when people try to compel, coerce or convince heterosexual people to be attracted to bisexual people if they are not.

You just can't alter who you are or are not attracted to, and nobody - homosexual, straight or bi - should ever have to try.

The negative views are entirely about him hiding his true sexuality, about possible concerns around that, and about any expectation that she should have to stay with him or support him if she does not want to.

Nobody - literally nobody - cares that he is bisexual.

Has anyone on this thread actually told you that you can't do that? Or have we just told you not to call closeted bi men liars?

And a couple of people scratched their heads in puzzlement as to why you'd be bothered by it, but that's a non-issue because your reasons don't matter.

I think a lot of friction has come about on this thread because two things look like they are conflict when they are actually not:

• The absolute right of every person to say "no, not interested" and have that respected when it comes to marriage and sex, no matter what their reasons are and without having to explain themselves.
• The right of bisexual people not to be stereotyped unfairly.

If I don't want to have sex with redheads, or circumcised men, or men who like dogs, or women who shave their legs, I shouldn't have to justify that. It's kind of rapey if I'm expected to, like I'm only allowed to say "no" if someone else thinks my reasons are good enough.

Not wanting to have sex with someone doesn't give me the right to say unfair things about the people who share whatever characteristic it is that I find a turn-off.

These principles are not in conflict.

I agree.

Please be cautious.

My ex came out as bi to me in 2019. He had never slept with a man, had no desire to but said he occasionally watched gay porn and found men attractive.

I supported him, accepted it without many questions. Fast forward to early 2022 he came out as gay, left the family unit and moved back to his parents. He’d been having an online affair. We were together 13 years and this absolutely destroyed me at the time.

hopefully your ex is just bi-sexual, and telling you so he’s not hiding his sexuality but beware in case there is more to come!

This is a challenging scenario. On the one hand I can see why you’d feel a bit disorientated because all the perceptions you had regarding sex between the two of you have been altered by this revelation. You may also be wondering if there is an ulterior motive other than just being honest - does he now want to physically experiment?

But - it could just be a confession that he finally feels comfortable enough to make to you and is (finally?) brave enough to admit. He is putting himself in an extremely vulnerable position and obviously trusts you a great deal.

He may have questioned his sexuality for decades or it may have evolved over time. But the point is, just bc you have found out he is attracted to men as well as women, doesn’t mean he doesn’t absolutely love you, or suddenly finds you unattractive and wants to leave.

Most ppl are attracted to other ppl while they are in relationships, it doesn’t mean they would act on this though and the vast majority don’t. Gay and heterosexual ppl are capable of crushes and finding other ppl attractive but can and do remain faithful - being bi-sexual doesn’t make you any different. Also, as individuals we aren’t programmed to automatically be attracted to absolutely every person matching our gendered sexual preferences when we encounter them. It would be exhausting!

I can see how you may be questioning a lot of aspects in your relationship - past and present - but unless he has said he regrets never being with another man and it is something he would like to do, I’d cross that bridge when you get to it. It’s different I know, and I don’t mean to trivialise it, but it’s a bit like finding out your partner also actually likes a certain type of person - blonde/tall/academic/norwegian - it doesn’t mean he’s not totally in love with you and doesn’t want to stay with you, he’s just attracted to other types as well. As we’re all allowed to be.

Put another way, he’s not saying he’s gay, is not sexually attracted to you and can’t be with you any more, he’s just opening up about a different facet of his sexuality to be more honest with you and let you understand him more as an individual is my guess.

It sounds like you are sympathetic to his situation and being very understanding and supportive OP, which is really positive and I’m sure he truly appreciates that.

Unless he gives you something to feel insecure about - and you’re entitled to ask whether he wishes to pursue something with a man as he hasn’t in the past - just do what you’re already doing and try not to feel insecure, difficult I know when something like this happens presumably out of the blue.

I think though, if he does want to explore that aspect of his sexuality it would be understandable if you no longer wanted to be in a relationship with him, if you value monogamy. Announcing that you are attracted to other ppl doesn’t give you a green card to pursue sex elsewhere.

He may feel it’s something he needs to do, he may want to stay with you, but just for you to have a fuller picture of him. Is it something he has just discovered about himself? Has he harboured these feelings for decades? Only discussing it with him will make things clearer and he owes it to you to be honest with what he wants in your relationship and how he sees your future.

It sounds like you care about him a lot and are extremely supportive OP, he’s lucky to have you.

Unless OP actually asked him "are you straight?", he didn't lie.

No one expects straight people to disclose their sexuality. Only bi people have to do that, like we are the dangerous "other" that needs a warning sign. This is an example of biphobia.

I agree with your first sentence.
Regarding your second sentence, I apologise if I came across as policing people - that was not my intention.
I agree with all your remaining sentences too.
However, I have not made any comments about bi people cheating or being gay, because I know thats just bollocks. I am not a bigot.

I know - ergo people like you would be as suspicious about me being bisexual and suddenly telling me my husband, as you are about the OP’s husband.

You’d all be telling my husband to get out because I’m clearly a lesbian and not bisexual. You’d be telling him that I’m going to start asking for all kinds of strange foreplay and orgies and then you’d be telling him how likely it is I’m going to cheat on him. You’d be telling him that he was nothing to me but a stepping stone. You’d be telling him that the only reason I told him was because I was cheating on him with women, or if I wasn’t cheating on him yet then I was planning to and so he should end the marriage before he wastes anymore of his time with me.