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Original poster

Husband came out as bisexual

551 replies

TARDISmum · 19/03/2024 23:14

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual.

It's just so odd.

I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed.

I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 20/03/2024 06:21

Severalwhippets · 20/03/2024 06:17

I would be getting us all tested.

I have watched two families go through this at close quarters and it was horrific. Both started exactly like this. The fallout is horrendous and the kids took the brunt of it.

Show quote history

That's your evidence? Because two men you know of came out as bi and had their marriages fall apart, it means all men who come out of bi are going to have failed marriages.

Severalwhippets · 20/03/2024 06:21

IsiLisi · 20/03/2024 06:15

I think the responses on Mumsnet to this type of topic are always really odd.
No it does not mean he will cheat, no it does not mean he is gay.

I had a boyfriend who came out as bi over a year into our relationship. It wasn't that he was deliberately hiding it or being secretive. He simply took some time within himself to accept that he was bi. He'd only ever been with women.
He didn't tell me because he wanted to experiment with men or cheat. He told me as it was a part of his identity which he wanted the person he loved and planned to be with to know about.
We broke up a couple of years later for a totally unrelated reason.

Mumsnet is really weird about this topic and it screams of some level of bigotry. The assumption that he would only tell you because he wants to experiment or that this must mean he will come out as gay later down the line is absolutely absurd. It's entirely possible to be attracted to two different genders and still have a healthy monogamous relationship.

What on earth would be the point in telling her then? If he has no wish to act on it then it’s simply sexual fantasy and there was no need to share that! He has risked a hell of a lot for something he intends to do nothing about and sown doubt and mistrust into their relationship.

When they have sex of course she is now going to question whether he thinks of a man, prefers a man. It’s not straight forward even if he intends or promises not to act on it, I could never trust him. I would be out of this marriage for sure.

JanefromLondon1 · 20/03/2024 06:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Soontobe60 · 20/03/2024 06:22

DoorPath · 20/03/2024 06:05

@Soontobe60 Because we're part of the conversation, too, and it's important to add our voices to a conversation where bigotry is evident. If nothing else, it's nice for other bi people to see that not everyone is fucking awful.

It’s not a conversation if it becomes a slanging match though. People on both sides of the debate just end up getting hyper defensive and not listening to each other. There’s other more effective ways of getting your point across.

Severalwhippets · 20/03/2024 06:22

HollyKnight · 20/03/2024 06:21

That's your evidence? Because two men you know of came out as bi and had their marriages fall apart, it means all men who come out of bi are going to have failed marriages.

Edited
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Errr they ended up having sex with men. That’s what ended their marriage!

GrammarTeacher · 20/03/2024 06:22

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He hasn't said he might be gay though has he? That's your biphobia talking!

GrammarTeacher · 20/03/2024 06:23

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IsiLisi · 20/03/2024 06:24

@Severalwhippets

I'd imagine because it's part of his identity? Why the hell shouldn't he be able to disclose an aspect of who he is to his bloody wife of all people.
I tell my partner a whole host of things that has no affect on his life, simply because I want him to understand who I am and parts of my identity.
Stop with this biphobic rhetoric already, it's 2024, supposedly the most accepting and inclusive time to be alive yet here we are.

GrammarTeacher · 20/03/2024 06:24

Severalwhippets · 20/03/2024 06:21

What on earth would be the point in telling her then? If he has no wish to act on it then it’s simply sexual fantasy and there was no need to share that! He has risked a hell of a lot for something he intends to do nothing about and sown doubt and mistrust into their relationship.

When they have sex of course she is now going to question whether he thinks of a man, prefers a man. It’s not straight forward even if he intends or promises not to act on it, I could never trust him. I would be out of this marriage for sure.

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Do you think your partner is thinking about other women every time you have sex? It's the same thing!

HollyKnight · 20/03/2024 06:25

Severalwhippets · 20/03/2024 06:22

Errr they ended up having sex with men. That’s what ended their marriage!

Show quote history

Right. But that's because they were cheaters, not because they are bi.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/03/2024 06:25

Soontobe60 · 20/03/2024 06:02

Are you always this obtuse. Obviously I am referring to situations where the person already knows the other person’s sexual orientation. Let’s compare it to, say, finding someone attractive then finding out that they’re a meat eater when you’re vegan, or vote Conservative when you’re a Labour voter, I’m pretty sure you might not find them quite so attractive. Sexual attraction is so much more than what someone looks like - that’s just shallow!

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I've been very sexually attracted to people who I, for whatever reason, recognised would be an incredibly unsuitable partner, including men who I know are gay. You used "would be happy in a relationship with" and "attracted to" like they were synonyms. No wonder I got confused.

There's a difference between a bi guy who loves and fancies his wife and a gay guy using a woman as a beard. The latter is deceitful and unfair and I'd have hoped that in 2024 we'd have collectively moved past the homophobia that motivates (but never excuses) that kind of lying.

Severalwhippets · 20/03/2024 06:25

GrammarTeacher · 20/03/2024 06:22

He hasn't said he might be gay though has he? That's your biphobia talking!

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Being bi means he also finds men sexy. He finds both attractive - I would not be comfortable with that, I married a heterosexual man.

Mt563 · 20/03/2024 06:25

Severalwhippets · 20/03/2024 06:15

Well then you lied to him. For years. I wouldn’t trust you ever again if you were my partner. That is a huge lie to not share with another person. I feel sorry for your dh, how shit for him.

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I didn't lie. I didn't realise. These are different things. My strict upbringing in a homophobic house made it impossible for me to accept myself until I'd gone none contact and was years away from them.

IsiLisi · 20/03/2024 06:26

@Severalwhippets

I find loads of people who aren't my partner sexy ... doesn't mean I cheat on him does it!

GrammarTeacher · 20/03/2024 06:27

Severalwhippets · 20/03/2024 06:25

Being bi means he also finds men sexy. He finds both attractive - I would not be comfortable with that, I married a heterosexual man.

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I'm bi. I'm married to a man. I find women sexy. Still not cheating. It is possible to stay faithful to someone you love you know!

Soontobe60 · 20/03/2024 06:27

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Are you referring to me as a bigot, or is it the general ‘your’?

Iloveyoubut · 20/03/2024 06:27

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I have to say I agree with this.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/03/2024 06:27

Severalwhippets · 20/03/2024 06:22

Errr they ended up having sex with men. That’s what ended their marriage!

Show quote history

So jf they'd had sex with women, that would have been fine? Didn't think so. Cheating is cheating, no matter the sex of the affair partner.

Severalwhippets · 20/03/2024 06:27

IsiLisi · 20/03/2024 06:26

@Severalwhippets

I find loads of people who aren't my partner sexy ... doesn't mean I cheat on him does it!

My experience of this is completely different, he is preparing the ground work most likely.

GrammarTeacher · 20/03/2024 06:27

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Severalwhippets · 20/03/2024 06:29

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Soontobe60 · 20/03/2024 06:29

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So please explain my ‘bigotry’

GrammarTeacher · 20/03/2024 06:31

Soontobe60 · 20/03/2024 06:29

So please explain my ‘bigotry’

Show quote history

The attempt to silence the bi-posters on this thread. Saying that we shouldn't call out the bi-phobia on the thread.

IsiLisi · 20/03/2024 06:31

@Severalwhippets

Most likely based on your personal experience?

Well most likely based on my personal experience he is just sharing part of his identity with his wife.

Now how do we decide whose personal experience is worth more? Or can we just say that people cheat regardless of their sexuality and this is absolutely no indication of the potential of that happening.
If he goes on to cheat it's because he's a cheater not because he is bi!

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/03/2024 06:33

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"Bisexual" does not mean "might be gay".

The terms for "might be gay" are "questioning" and "curious".

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