Husband came out as bisexual

[TARDISmum]

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual.

It's just so odd.

I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed.

I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

By asking him the purpose of disclosing it to you? It sounds like he may want to explore with men - I assume he hasn't yet? In which case it sounds like this could be a marriage dealbreaker as I don't see why he would feel the need to 'come out' otherwise.

I'm bi, been married for 15 years, didn't know I was bi when we got married, it's something I've come to realise through having gay friends and just hearing more spoken about it. I'm 50 and it just wasn't a thing when I was young. There were gay men talked about a bit in hushed tones regarding AIDS but I never heard of lesbians let alone bi people.

I've never told my husband but I want to because it feels like it's who I am and he should know and I'd like him to know me for everything that I am. I feel a bit like I'm living a lie.

So I can totally understand why OPs DH would have told her.

Sorry to hear this, OP, you must be in shock at the moment and I hope you’re as okay as you can be.

I think I would be speaking to him about how he believes this will change the dynamic of the relationship. If he is sharing that he feels attracted to men, that’s one conversation. If he shares that he actively wants to sleep with/have relationships with other people apart from his wife, well then that will likely set the tone for the decisions that are to follow.

How are you doing with all this? x

That's very useful to know.

We have friends who are of varying sexualities and friends who have transitioned so it's not a new area.

I just want to make sure I support him well as his wife. For him to know it's okay and to talk about.

If it is ‘who he is’ obviously that is the person you married.

if the person you married wants to have extramarital sex, the sex of the corespondent being irrelevant, that’s presumably a bit of a change?

I'm not sure what prompted it but felt like pressuring for an answer straight away wouldn't be good for mental health.

It sounds odd to say but part of me wasn't surprised but it has caught me off guard.

Maybe I'm silly but I don't think there has been anything unfaithful. Maybe just wanting to not 'hide' anymore.

He comes from a background where his dad is a vicar and a very Christian upbringing so my thinking is through that he didn't think telling anyone was a good idea.

I just don't know

You'll likely get some very negative views on MN. Ignore the people telling you he'll cheat/ he's gay/ you need an STI check / they couldn't have a relationship with a bisexual man etc

Lots and lots of bi people are happily monogamous in long term relationships. Talk to him and find out more. What's made him realise/ what's made him want to tell you now?

You need to tell him. Don't waste his time...or use his time up

I agree. I think this is testing the waters with the bi card...if you're ok with it...get ready incase he comes out as gay. Id have strong gentle honest conversation about gay and bi and not to waste your life if hes gay. Its selfish otherwise

You need to tell him. Don't waste his time...or use his time up

How on earth is that wasting his time or using his time up? Bi people can stay happily married you know 🙄

**

Agree with this.
There's lots of men online who come out to the wife and they admit that they're planning on asking their wife later on if they can sleep with or explore with men.
They don't admit that to their wives, just on the forums I mean.
The initial coming out is often just the first step, and they say nothing at all about their future plans.

I recently came across an article on changing sexual orientation and evidence that orientation is not “set” and can change over a lifetime. Apparently, there is more research being done on this and researchers no longer believe that orientation as a young adult is definitively the orientation a person will have for ever. I presume that it’s a gradual understanding. Your DH may by bisexual. It doesn’t mean that he wants to enter another relationship. Most important are his morals and values.

Yes they can, but if he intended to stay with OP then why state it? Surely it wouldn't matter if plan on staying with OP? What does he intend to do with this statement?

I totally agree that lots of bi people are monogamous and in relationships- in the same proportion as straight or gay.

but my friend’s husband said exactly the same thing, before coming out.

Obviously, only OP’s DH knows which scenario it is.

@TARDISmum I hope I didn’t sound too abrupt, and I don’t want you to think that your husband is cheating when it sounds like he hasn’t been.

but I think it’s important to get a range of views from people, so you can ask him about this stuff. It’s sounds like you both need to make time to discuss this properly

I'm always confused as to why bisexuality is a concern, and why some people insist they would never want to be in a relationship with a bisexual man. Yes, a bisexual man could be unfaithful and initiate a relationship with another man, but equally, a heterosexual man could be unfaithful and initiate a relationship with another woman.

The main issue of concern here though is the context. This announcement has seemingly come out of the blue and it's not clear why that is. It could be that DH may later decide that he is gay.

Bisexuality in and of itself shouldn't be an issue though.

Thank you for this. That's an interesting thing to look into.

I know what others have said but I don't think he will cheat and I feel his background has contributed to him taking a while to feel comfortable to tell me.

I just feel hurt because I can see him thinking he has hurt my feelings but it hasn't. In a way I was happy he could talk to me. That felt like a good sign that we're doing something right.

Maybe when I've looked into that and he knows that he may feel better about it all.

I don't want him to change. He's still the funny, caring, intelligent man I fell in love with it

why state it

Because OP is his wife/ life partner, you know, the person he's closest to in all the world, the person he wants to be most honest with and who he can talk to when he's finding life hard or when he's celebrating something... Why should he lie or hide it from her?

That's what I wanted.

I thought there must be other people out there who have been through this and will know where to start the conversation in a productive, sensitive way

'FriendS' (plural) who have transitioned?
I'd be wondering if it was an attention seeking move then. If it's common in your social circle for people to 'come out' I'd wonder how many were genuine and how many were just trying to fit in by being different. Coming out as bi is a pretty
..unobtrusive way of doing that.

felt like pressuring for an answer straight away wouldn't be good for mental health.

It's him who's brought it up and it's not pressuring to have the conversation. He must've anticipated you'd have questions when he decided to tell you.

Regardless of where he goes from here, the most concerning thing to me about your posts is how much you're sublimating your own reactions and feelings, mainly concerned not to trouble him at all. This will only bottle things up that you need to explore and talk about together. You're his wife and it's totally fair enough to have discussions after a revelation like this. If you need help, or if his MH really is so much in jeopardy, get a counsellor involved, But you can't be on eggshells not knowing and trying to be supportive. There's a huge spectrum of what could be going on and it's best not to be guessing.

How is it wasting his time? We are married, I've never cheated, why would the fact I fancy women as well as men make any difference?

Some women find it to be a turn off which is why they wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a bisexual man.

MN is incredibly biphobic and you’re already seeing those kind of responses. Personally it wouldn’t make any difference to me at all, it would be a total non-issue. It doesn’t mean he’s cheating or secretly gay. Perhaps he didn’t realise he was bi earlier in his life or feel confident enough to put a label on it and now he does.

I think his background makes it look more like he had pressure reasons to take a conventional path, meaning that he could be gay?
You know him best, there will have been signs over the years of him having an attraction to women if he's bi, so think on that.
Talking to his gay friends made him realise what exactly, that he had an attraction for some of them perhaps? Or maybe he's hung out in gay establishments with them and fancied some of the patrons? I doubt words were enough to bring an epiphany, sound less involved to claim it happened that way maybe.
People tend to gravitate to friends who are kindred spirits, from your description of your friendship circle you seem to have a higher than average proportion of varied orientations than most come across, so I'd guess by that he's known how he feels for quite some time, especially if some are old friends.