March 2024 - But we took you to stately homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society

There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support"

I've also now added the post written by Escapingafter50years as detailed below:

"I've copied these links I posted in the last thread and hope they are useful to people here. In addition to therapy and the Stately Homes, I've found them really useful in getting my head around the toxic mess I grew up in".

Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/
https://www.instagram.com/scapegoatchildrecovery/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwait
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

Books
I haven’t read all of these yet, but have read most and would recommend them
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (probably a good first book to read if you're not sure your parent/s is/are narcissistic)
Daughter Detox by Peg Streep
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer (written a long time ago but has good strategies for dealing with people who don't treat you properly)
A couple of other books I have seen recommended by the wise AttilaTheMeerkat and are my to-read list:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

@Interlevels @Sicario @Luddite26
Thank you for your responses. I really appreciate your feedback and insight.

@Luddite26 My dad is my mums enabler. It's his mum that died. My grandmother had no narcissistic tendencies that I'm aware of. The historical narcissistic issues were on my mum's side of the family. The funeral has never been discussed since.

@Nicknack111 did any of your dad's family organise it or was it your mum and dad?
I think that's a good suggestion about finding a way to pay tribute to your grandma's life yourself.

@Luddite26 There is noone left on my dad's side. It was my mum who led the arrangements with some inputfrom my dad. Thanks for your response.

@IAAP
Sorry just seen your response. I'm sorry about your Great Aunt. My grandmother lives on strongly in my memories and a fitting private memorial is the best way to deal with it. My husband and children are my life and there are plans in place in case something happens to me. My parents have no more control over me or my own loved ones thankfully.

This sounds like the right thing. Just if you can accept that it was their funeral of her but not yours. You can say goodbye to her spirit on whatever wonderful and loving way to like.

Your post @Nicknack111 made me think about the artist LSLowry who is buried in the same grave as his parents. And other people who were controlled by their parents in life and then buried with them in death. I feel it must be like purgatory.

@tonewbeginnings - I can really relate to constantly replaying memories and negative thoughts. It is exhausting and it is like a grieving process when you see them for what they are. I find Atilla's words that you are grieving that parents/birth family you wished you had rather than the one you got, helpful in trying to process it.

Things I found to help me with all of this are a combination of the following📧

1. Therapy - helps me know that I am not alone and that I am finally heard and my feelings acknowledged (something that never ever happened with my family!). Therapy also helped as I had EMDR, hypnotherapy and tapping.

2. Reading & Podcasts - the links above in Atilla's first post especially the Insight Podcast with Katie McKenna and Helen Villers and the Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents book

3. Taking some time to think about the unpleasant memories and then trying to name the feeling (fear, anger, guilt, embarrassment, shame, sadness etc) and acknowledging it. This is quite hard and something you may want to do with a therapist. The weirdest thing is when you focus on those unpleasant feelings, it is awful for a minute or so, but after another minute the feeling dies down and that helps long term. There is a name for this approach but I can't remember it!

4. Yoga - Dr Bessel Van Der Kolk states that trauma is also held in the body and doing yoga helps to release this. Personally, I find yoga helps me focus in the moment and is incredibly relaxing.

I note that you said you are LC with your family. I started off with this approach but eventually, a tragic event happened and made me realise that things would never improve sadly. I found that my NM would trigger me regardless and remind me that my Nsis was indeed the Golden Child. The only regret I had about finally going completely no contact was that I didn't do it sooner. Although it was hard at first, nearly 2 years on, it is a lot easier.

@MyFragility thank you!

I have had therapy in the past and it’s high up on my list for when I get my finances together - I have my own business and it’s been a tough year.

Even though I’m on a tight budget I’m managing to continue with my yoga classes. Starting yoga was one of the first things that made me realise how much trauma I had and my body was holding on to! I would be in floods of tears by the end of each class when I first started! It’s helping me now too - in fact I increased how much yoga I do recently and maybe that’s what’s brought out more feelings - anger and sadness mainly.

Thanks for the podcast and book recommendations- I’ll check those.

On point 3 - I do need to acknowledge feelings. I was journaling daily which helped with this. I took a break and haven’t journaled since September. I’m going to re-start because it’s like you said once I felt something, acknowledged it and wrote it down then the feeling dies down.

I’m getting closer and closer to NC but it feels so complicated with my mum being old and alone. It is because I see her that I occasionally have to see the rest of my family. I am becoming better at navigating this but would love not to have to spend anymore brain cells here. Like you, it was a major event that made me go NC with my siblings.

I’m curious about hypnotherapy as I have had great success with it before for a couple of specific issues. Do you do this longterm and how did you find a good therapist or programme for this?

@JellyWellyBoots
Seriously, your sister thinks it's OK for her (male) flatmate to be the nanny to your daughter? OMFG. No wonder her housemates want her out. Ignore all requests going forward. Keep your daughter out of range as your using sister will use your daughter as a pawn.

@Nicknack111
That's awful, so disrespectful and so hurtful. Things like that take a long time to recover from. Hugs to you. It sounds like your mother wanted to not give any attention to her MIL. Your dad’s views would have been completely discounted if he felt remotely able to voice them.

I've just been through the experience of the Hag’s (vile MIL) death and funeral recently. Mr Monkey did a proper Irish funeral as he felt he owed it to her - he doesn't owe the witch ANYTHING as she was evil and abusive - so I let him get on with it. I just drank wine and stood guarding the buffet!

@IAAP awful! Again, your parents being callous and self-involved. I'm sorry to hear this.

I'm OK. Not the greatest weekend away.

Mr Monkey is not dealing with the conflicting feelings aftermath of his vile mother’s death. Predicted that. Very quiet and anger bubbling under at the whole living with an abusive parent in his life for 55 years.

The legacy passed on - a narcissistic golden boy brother who was equally abusive (now thankfully out of our life again, he just rocked up to be the centre of attention at her funeral) and the emotionally vacant half-brother Slave Son whose life she wrecked. Slave Son can't/won't have a conversation with MM so MM feeling upset about being ignored and then conversely worried about him. I have no doubt that when SS’s disabilty gets worse that we’ll have to step in and do lots of stuff. I wouldn't resent this if I didn't have to be faced AGAIN with more Hag legacy and someone who, frankly, enabled her shit.

I'm tired of Tim the Twat brother. He has ignored the last two messages I sent about mum. She's in hospital, she's never getting home and she's deteriorating all the time. The hospital usually phone me if there's an update and I message him. Social work are trying to get me to apply for guardianship and I'm prepared to do it but I haven't spoken to my lawyer yet. Anyway Tim turned up on Easter Sunday with a bunch of flowers for me allegedly from mum and a story about how he finally persuaded her to get me flowers. Mum has vascular dementia and doesn't know what day is what, so god knows what he meant. I invited him in to see our aunt and uncle who have returned from abroad after three months away. He refuses, then gives me a story - had the hospital told me about a team meeting regarding mum. I replied no. He then pretended to be annoyed that they hadn't contacted me. The thing is, they contacted him, so why would they also contact me? Apparently the meeting should have been weeks ago but was cancelled. News to me. He's going to sit in at the meeting. I suspect he's crapping it in case they decide to move her back home. He's living in her flat and still using her money. Oh, and I was to be sure to let my aunt and uncle know about the meeting. They could hear every word as they were in my dining room! Anyway, I'm not going to the meeting. I have something else on that I refuse to pull out of because he couldn't let me know ages ago about a meeting. He pisses me off all the time. He expects my aunt and uncle to go to the meeting to back him up, despite refusing to talk to them. I think he assumes I'm going too, do he's in for a shock. He'll bad mouth me to the staff and I don't care. I've had enough of him and his weirdness. Sorry, just a rant.

Rant away @LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand - he's got it all worked out in his head and reminds me of when a kid puts their hands over their eyes and says "you can't see me". You're well out of it.

@MonkeyfromManchester - I really hope MM can get back into counselling and prevent his FOG transferring to SS brother. Breaking free from all that trauma bonding is so hard.

Thanks Sicario. I'm just tired of him lying and everything goes to shit. Guess who's expected to sort it out? MonkeyfromManchester I'm sorry that MrM is struggling and therefore you, too. I hope he can find some peace

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand
More self-serving weird batshittery from your brother. He's a player, but not that good a player as his lies are transparent and trip him all the time. What do your aunt and uncle make of him? Yep, he thinks you'll pick up the pieces.

Thank you re Mr Monkey.x

@Sicario
Thank you.i was pretty firm that he had to get counselling. At the weekend, I'll bring up the subject of putting the sympathy cards into a box - I took them down and they're in a pile (my hands went near the matches, but…) and tipping the witch’s weapon of mass destruction e.g., her fucking mobile.

My aunt and uncle are well aware of his nonsense. They couldn't believe he refused to come in and say hello, having not seen them for three months but expected them to go to a meeting to support him. They are definitely not flying monkeys!

Hello all. I've not posted here for a while and this will likely be long. I went low contact with my mother about 18 months ago. Gradually, reintroduced contact. With other adults around at first, then felt ok for just me and the dc to visit about 6 months ago. Things were better for a while but there was still the odd snide comment aimed at me and/or my youngest dc. Largely things were much improved though and I thought she'd turned a corner. However, it seems I thought wrong.

Things got very bad again over the weekend. We visited and from not long after we arrived my mother was dismissing my youngests needs and making 'comments'. My youngest is 7, eldest 12. She was deliberately targeting my youngest and making her feel bad. It's always either me or my youngest that get it. She always, without fail, sides with my eldest when they have a sibling dispute. No matter how minor, she always gets involved and makes the situation 10 times worse, makes my 7yo feel bad and she usually ends up crying. So this was happening and I was challenging her. Saying that she's not helping and explaining dd's feelings are valid, her behaviour is normal for a 7yo and eldest was the same at that age etc.

At one point I went to the loo and left 7yo watching 12yo and my mother play snakes and ladders. 7yo was left out of the game. She then came in to the bathroom while I was on the loo, she was crying and saying 'they hurt me'. She also said 'I don't like coming to nana's because I always cry'. I calmed her down and asked her what had happened and she said she'd put her hands under the tray the board game was on and they both moved her arms from underneath the tray and hurt her in doing so. My 12yo is likely to have been too rough doing this and probably did hurt her but my mother is also definitely liable to have done so as well and because she said 'they' I went to ask my mother what had happened. My mother instantly assumed that I was accusing her of hurting 7yo and went in to full on deny mode and an argument ensued. She accused my 7yo of lying and said she is not hurt (so then why is she crying ffs 🙄). She's routinely dismisses mine and youngests health issues/pain/feelings etc, eg. when youngest was 4 and had a painful uti that was making her cry and wee every 2 mins she was apparently 'putting it on'. I still feel rage when I think about that.

Anyway, I ended up having a go at my mother and pointed out that she's had a problem with 7yo for years and it's inappropriate. Stuff was shouted back and forth and I ended up telling her she needs to stop behaving like a parent to my dc and start behaving like a grandparent. ie - stay out of it.
We then left.

She sent me some shitty messages and said if I don't believe her over my 7yo then 'we're done'. I told her I will always believe my children over anyone else and then blocked her. I think it's actually really disturbing what she is suggesting here as well.

She's sent me an email today. I've not replied. She's saying she feels upset and anxious and wants to meet up to discuss things, just us two. I'm not going to meet her. I'm currently deliberating whether to reply to her email or not. I was thinking about emailing her anyway. I want to explain the damage she has done and is doing. I've already written a lot of stuff but it's not ready to send yet. I'm focusing my reply on the situation with my 7yo atm as I will not let her to do her what she's done to me. I find it much easier to stand up to her when it's about my dc than I do when it's about myself. Other than the email I want to send, I think we will stay no contact for the foreseeable and only see her if absolutely necessary and only if other adults are present as she miraculously doesn't behave like this when there's other adults around.

Anyway, thank you for reading this far. I'm gutted we're back in this situation again.

monkey I'd let social services deal with Slave Son, I wouldn't feel any obligation to help at all. You said he was MrMonkeys abuser as a child too? And her enabler in adulthood? I know he's had a bad upbringing and he had no chance (being put into care by his dad when his mum died is enough to mess up any child, never mind the rest of it), but that still doesn't make him your problem.

Havoc giving her a piece of your kind won't help or bring closure. It'll bring more nasty responses. Your mum is [however old] now, you can't teach her how to be a decent human being at her age, not least because she has no desire to learn or to change. She's upset and anxious at not getting her own way, not because she's feeling guilty for her behaviour. Send her emails to the spam folder and they'll be automatically deleted after a few days, don't read them.

@CreatingHavoc I'm sorry things have deteriorated with your mother again. I can really relate to what you have described as she sounds similar to my mum, and I also have 2 DCs of similar ages. My eldest dc is my mum's 'golden' grandchild and it feels like she sees my youngest as just a companion to my eldest. Her different treatment of them has driven me nuts over the years

My approach these days is:

• Limiting contact, we see them every 1-2 months for just a few hours
• Staying calm when my mother throws a tantrum about something, dont get drawn into giving an emotional response, be the adult and don't give her any ammunition for attacking me
• I used to try and explain (verbally or by email) what I didn't like about her behaviour, either to my mum or enabler dad, but that just led to arguments and my feelings/wishes just being completely ignored. It just made things 10 times worse so I realised that in order to be able to maintain any kind of relationship with my parents I had to do the first two points above
• 'Grey rock' method - only just discovered this name recently but I've naturally been doing this for the past few years
• Enforcing boundaries and calmly/politely sticking to them, even if my mother throws a temper tantrum about it

The above has generally worked pretty well. It's certainly not the idyllic relationship with my mother that I would have hoped for (by a long way) but we can just about get by and we don't have the big 'blow ups' that we used to have. She still causes me lots of stress and anxiety, and I am working on how to deal with that better for myself. Annoyingly I still feel responsible for her feelings, when I know I shouldn't.

Anyway, I hope things settle down for you and you find a good way to move on 🌷

@CreatingHavoc
Honestly I would block her on everything and stay that way. She is damaging your kids already and no amount of explaining will cause her to change. I would protect yourself and your own children and let your mother go. Sorry you are having to deal with this crap x

@CreatingHavoc your youngest is already being damaged, that stuff stays with you for LIFE. The older one is being moulded in your mothers image taught how to be spiteful and hurt her sister. I feel so sad for your youngest.

@CreatingHavoc I'm so sorry for what you and your children, particularly your 7 year old, are going through. It's odd about how narcs (certainly mine) portray kids as liars. I couldn't tell a lie to save my life, yet she'd scream at me as a child "tell me the truth!". Pitting one child against the other is something else they do; my sibling grew up to be an overt narc (she's covert) and I had to go NC with him decades ago as he was trying to destroy my family, triangulating - saying one person had said something about someone else when they hadn't (it was really his thoughts!). It is impossible to stay in a family dynamic like this and stay mentally healthy.

Since my "mother" finally pushed me too far over 2 1/2 years ago, I have read everything I can get my hands on, listened to hours and hours of podcasts and audio books, posted on here and other places, educating myself officially - certificate and diploma, etc. etc. (Read my list of resources in @AttilaTheMeerkat's initial post on this thread).

In all the things I've read and listened to, I haven't come across any instances where someone has been low/no contact and then re-established contact successfully. These people don't change. Grey rock only lasts so long, they sense you distancing yourself and apply more pressure and abuse.

Your mother has shown no insight into her behaviour. She is trying to carry on the toxicity through your children. She wants to meet up but trust me, it's not to listen and understand what she's done, she wants to tell you about all you do wrong. If she was going to take responsibility she would have done it by now. She's not, which also tells you that she fully intends to continue her abuse.
I'm afraid you only have one safe option.

This is just a general message for anyone struggling with the concept of going NC with a toxic relative.

Since I blocked my sisters three years ago, my mental health has improved.

I no longer have a constant, unsettling feeling of dread at the back of my mind.

Just do it. You'll be surprised how much easier your life becomes.

I too feel sorry especially for the youngest child. She's in an abusive relationship with her nan. She's come to her mum asking for help to leave that relationship. The only acceptable response is to agree and apologise for putting her into that situation in the first place. Anything else is going to cause damage in the relationship between the child and mother. Imagine if it was a romantic relationship, you'd never (I hope!) be saying ah well tough luck you need to stick with it.

The older child at 12 is probably not beyond redemption at the moment, but if allowed to continue being around nan, may well become so in a few years.

Haven't posted on here before. Feeling low and frustrated after a trip to see my elderly dad with dementia and his toxic wife of 25 years. She tried to guilt trip me that we don't bring the grandchildren to see them enough. We go annually for a week, and as dad and my ASD DD both struggle sharing the house we now pay £1200 to rent a caravan. They live 4 hours away. A long car journey is an ordeal for us (ASD DD is very sensitive to her sister when she can't seek her own space and they bicker and fight a lot of the way) I know I'm not unreasonable. It's just aaaargh.

Did anyone else think ‘fuck this crap’ when they hit 40? I feel like I am finally letting go of my toxic family and childhood, at the ripe old age of early 40s. It’s liberating but also I feel like I am getting to know myself without all the layers of anxiety and expectations.

Hi everyone, I am new here, not even lurking much before posting. I found this forum after a google search that was something like: "why don't I feel anything for my family"

I'm having a hard day today. My stepmom (who I am not close to and barely knew growing up) is having some health issues and I came to take care of her for two weeks. I'm living at her place because she cannot be alone at night for the moment, and I was thinking it would be nice to get to know her. I don't have much in the way of loving relatives and had hoped that a bond would grow between my stepmom and I. But it's not working out that way.

I don't mind helping her out, just as I would do for anyone, like a neighbor or even just a stranger honestly. It feels good to help people. But on the other hand, she asked me last night about my mom - I am estranged from my mom and she knows this - and she said I just need to email my mom and in all-caps tell my mom I love her. I think she only brings up my mom because she likes to poke at people's wounds. My stepmom basically admitted this when she was talking about my niece. She asks questions because she knows it bothers the person.

I've been estranged from my mom for two years. I emailed my mom for over a year without any reply before I gave up and accepted that we'll never talk again. My stepmom knows this, but still she can't stop pushing me to keep reaching out despite never getting a reply.

My stepmom has never met my mother. When I explain what my mother is like and why I can't just email her that I love her to solve the problem, she gets hung-up on how my dad could have married someone like my mom if she's the way I describe her. My stepmom doesn't think about how I feel to have an unloving mother, but more about what this seems to imply about my dad who married an unloving mother, or about my stepmom for what this says about her being chosen as a wife by the same man who chose an unloving woman. I believe this is partly why she brings up my mom. It's painful for me, but to my stepmom she doesn't care, it's all about her.

I told my stepmom point blank that I no longer want any relationship with my mom now, because it was too painful to be rejected so much and the door is no longer open. Finally I just said "I don't love her" to get my stepmom to backoff.

And my step-mom then asked me if I loved my dad who died last year. My dad was hardly around when I was growing up, which she knows because she was dating my dad then and she herself never saw or spent any time with me as a kid. She did not allow my dad to bring his kids over when she was home.

Also my dad was busy. He had 6 kids with three different women. So no, I don't really love my dad, if I am being honest. But I lied and said I did, because what could I say to my stepmom who just lost her husband, my dad, last year?

But then all of this talk about love just made me realize.... I feel almost nothing for any of my relatives because there were so few positive interactions. I had a good childhood because I had great friends and their families really liked me and I spent a lot of time out of the house. My relatives are not the people who I have a history with really.

But still, I am here, I flew a few thousand miles, left my husband and family for two weeks to be here to help my stepmom. And I feel like a bad person anyway, for not loving my mom or my dad. Do I have to also FEEL the right feelings too? Isn't it enough that I am here both to help physically and to say all the right caring and validating things for her? I am a helpful and curious person, it's not hard for me to be interested in other people without trying, and I have a lot of empathy. But I refuse to pretend the past was different than it was, or that I feel something that I don't feel. I hardly say a word about myself because she doesn't care anyway. And yet there is still judgement, and scrutiny and questions seemingly designed to find fault rather than gain understanding. How could you not love your parents?

Ugh, I'm doing it, another 10 days to go before I can go home. I'm feeling good about helping her still, but I can't say I will ever do this again. I believe everyone deserves help and care, and to not be left alone in a time of need, but it would actually be easier to do this for a stranger.

Thank you so much for listening. I just needed to write this down so that I can get it out and put on my smile again and chat with her about her heart problems again. Putting on my own oxygen mask as soon as I can get home.