March 2024 - But we took you to stately homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society

There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support"

I've also now added the post written by Escapingafter50years as detailed below:

"I've copied these links I posted in the last thread and hope they are useful to people here. In addition to therapy and the Stately Homes, I've found them really useful in getting my head around the toxic mess I grew up in".

Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/
https://www.instagram.com/scapegoatchildrecovery/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwait
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

Books
I haven’t read all of these yet, but have read most and would recommend them
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (probably a good first book to read if you're not sure your parent/s is/are narcissistic)
Daughter Detox by Peg Streep
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer (written a long time ago but has good strategies for dealing with people who don't treat you properly)
A couple of other books I have seen recommended by the wise AttilaTheMeerkat and are my to-read list:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Well done @rollerbutterfly. It's only a week but it's huge if you try to untangle from the relationship.

You don't owe her a reply.

You would have thought they can read the room if you aren't picking up or responding but somehow they just see it as a reason to keep trying.

@rollerbutterfly definitely well done on resisting being hooked into their conversation and false narrative. You deserve some peace to heal x

@rollerbutterfly congratulations on 1 week NC. To normal healthy families this is perfectly fine, no effort no drama, mad isn't it, it is such hard work for us, our mothers just refuse to behave rationally. Why even contact today? Go another day, unless you have anything you (not your mum) want to say. Anything you do say will be used against you, you will be berated for the 7 days radio silence, might as well be hung for 10 days than 7.
For me the longer NC continued, the calmer, happier, less anxious I was.
Your mum should not be dictating to you, you are an adult with your own life.

the message I got today
did try to call you again today, but again no answer.
how long does this go on

Until you learn to behave and stop being intrusive!

DESPERATE for opinions on this as my head is a mess.

So I’ve recently gone NC with DD(6)’s Dad after 7 years of being caught up in the cycle of a typical abuser.
He is also an addict & a compulsive liar.
He isn’t the issue here, it’s his mother.

She texts me, every other day updating me on her son & sending his love to DD. I don’t respond to these messages. I bumped into her a few weeks ago & we ended up going for coffee out of sheer politeness. She spoke about X the entire time & I felt myself slowly deflate. I made my excuses and left sharpish.

Today she has asked me to respond to her messages as ‘it will help X on his road to getting clean’. AIBU to think this is a bit manipulative?
The only person I’m interested in protecting is DD, she witnessed his abusive behaviour for the first time last month, which is why I’ve reached this point of NC. Before that I was stupidly ‘protecting his image’ (words from another member of his family)

I feel like his family tread very carefully with me, but I have heard they wholeheartedly disagree with me not allowing access. That I am in the wrong.

I don’t want daily updates on how well X is doing, mainly because I don’t give a flying fuck. He’s getting all this professional help etc, but what about the people who’s lives he’s almost ruined? Do we get any professional help and support? Do we fuck!

@sentfrommyiphone You are not responsible for the recovery of your ex and his mother has no business pressuring you for updates 'as it might help him'. It sounds as though she's making it your responsibility too which it really isn't. You or anyone cannot get him well. He can only do this himself together with professionals.

Have you tried to set boundaries with his mother? Have you told her you won't give updates and won't meet to discuss him etc? How is she reacting? Her reaction will tell you if she can stay in your and your daughter's life.

Also, consider for a moment how your ex might have become abusive. Consider if his upbringing might have played a role. Ask yourself if you feel his mum is a healthy person for you to be around. Can you speak your mind, do boundaries get accepted etc.

I agree with everything @Twatalert has mentioned. He’s not your problem, he is her son not yours. I’d simply say politely but firmly that you personally need time to decompress and recover from the situation you’ve been in and the abuse you’ve suffered and unless she lets you have time away from thinking about your ex & all his problems, you’ll have no option but to go NC with them all. She sounds manipulative and it sounds like both you and your child need a break from his problems.

Well if it's any consolation that message made me feel nauseated as well. Talk about OTT.
Personally I never communicate any detail that can be seen as any sort of weakness. Communication is v superficial and generic and I don't really give much away at all . if you must reply to her can you just be upbeat and casual no matter what you really feel that way she has no ammunition to use against you ? x

@rollerbutterfly oh no, this message is so wrong I don't even know where to start. I'm getting so angry - I think I'm triggered.

Maybe you said before, but do you have other people to lean on when being unwell? Your mother really isn't helping. Those are not messages of support or genuine offers to be there should you need something.

I'd put strict boundaries in place and take it from there.

@sentfrommyiphone it boils my piss, both my parents were alcoholics my childhood was unpleasant. I understand some people use booze/drugs due to deep unhappiness, that is their choice but don't ask me to feel sorry for an alcoholic, alcoholics wreck the lives of everyone around them.

Personally I would be honest with this lady it is not your problem, he was abusive. Block her number. Her son, her problem. Don't get involved with his or her drama, it will end in tears. Alcoholics are very devious, there is plenty of help for the alcoholic but very little support for those they harm.

@rollerbutterfly your mother is batshit, keep ignoring. She has no respect for you, your feelings or your boundaries.

Hi,

I'm very interested in @Twatalert I think it was and empathy for abusers. It is so tedious and wrong of a therapist to suggest that. All we ever do is overthink everything from everyone else's point of view.

I also read recently about a psychotherapist saying there is no such thing as an empath. Instead so called empaths are trauma victims who are hypervigilant. Used to overanalyzing and anticipating and fulfilling everyone's else's needs to their own detriment.

I think it was Katie McKenna. I am a so called empaths or trauma victim and I hate it, it is a never ending,exhausting mental maze.

I am forced to stay in LC with my parents as they know very confidential information relating to me and my family, she has this over me. I loathe her and long for the day I no longer have to deal with her. She is mid eighties and bilious and I am still scared and upset by her.

I was abused in every way as a child and it has damaged me for life. I am now 52. I have tried everything and I am on the list for NHS psychology again. However I don't think I can recover, do any of us recover from this shit legacy. I think I am damaged and nothing can fix me. I hate that my parents did this to me and think what I could have been like.

Love and solidarity xx

Both my biological parents were also addicts. One an alcoholic, one a heroin addict. I NEVER use that as an excuse for anything. Yet DD's father blames it on his own childhood & upbringing. I'm bored of listening to it, she speaks about him like he's 10 years old.
'Oh he's got a busy day ahead of him today with an appointment then another appointment then an assessment, etc'. Fuck me this bloke is in his 30's ffs. My father (not biological but the one who raised me after my mother ran away with a 19 year old heroin addict) died from brain cancer earlier this year, then I had my own cancer scare that turned out to be nothing, & my DD is having counselling to process his death. So there's all that going on in my life, do I update them every time I do much as fart? No I do not.

I'm scared they are going to encourage X to take the legal route tbh. However, his criminal record is a short novel so there really is no leg to stand on.

@Lexy70 yes I'm aware of the theory around empaths and don't look at anyone claiming to be one the same way anymore. Calling yourself an empath is like a badge of honour. I actually saw myself as one in my teens and 20s before I understood the abuse I had suffered.

Tbh it's fucking exhausting to be hypervigilant and I can't even switch it off. I notice micro expressions in people, like that split second that shows a flash of anger or something else. I'm not even consciously observing them. I find it really irritating and wish I could just focus on their words and actions.

@Twatalert yes I thought it was great being a so called empaths, being such a sensitive person and such a good friend. I was very wrong.

As you say it is exhausting and relentless. Constantly "on" regardless of the situation. I hate it, I even over analyse emails and WhatsApp msg. X

@Lexy70 I thought it was a weird thing of my therapist to say..what it would be like for my parents to discover now how much harm they did to me.

Maybe she was trying to say that as some protective mechanism they can't open up to it but I didn't want to hear how much they would suffer with it and that it's effectively too much for them. As if that's a good enough explanation in order for them to never be accountable.

For me it was like saying that I have only become aware and go through all this because it's not painful enough for me so I don't remain in denial. I think she'd immediately tell me thats not what she meant, but then what did it mean!?

I think I told her that I have had to take a good look at myself and don't see why this shouldn't be expected of them.

I also heard about the myth of empath and I have described myself as such for years. I was proud to be able to pick up on others cues and say the right thing to make them feel better have recently started naming it as hyper vigilant and It IS so exhausting. It’s so he’d to just be present. I am so highly anxious around people I find it difficult being around too many. Events and large gatherings send me into a quivering mess because there are too many things to be aware of and try and prepare for, I’ve had many panic attacks as result. Can anyone recommend any apps to help in these moments , they are so overwhelming at times.

Hello, I created a post yesterday about my DM I have copied it below. Someone suggested it maybe triangulation and suggested I join this thread. My DM appears meek and mild and the only audience she has is family as she has no friends and doesn’t speak to her neighbours. She doesn’t behave in an arrogant way or appear to be full of her own importance she portrays herself as the victim. But she does treat family members differently. I have probably been the most successful in the family and the most unlike her yet within my family I have always felt I was never good enough and felt like she saw me as the black sheep of the family.

‘…elderly DM…playing games and favourites and playing family members off against each other.

How do you handle this if on the receiving end constantly having your offers and invites knocked back and rebuffed in favour of others?

Want to have a clear conscience or would go no contact but actually love her as she is my DM and would like to spend some time with her but don’t think its reciprocated and feel last on the list.

I don’t think she fits a narcissistic profile. Maybe I am being naive but she does sometimes twist things so nothing is her fault but more in the form of excuses. Think she wants to play the victim sad lonely and no visitors we don’t understand what its like without DF etc but then picks and chooses what offers she will take up, which to knock back think etc. It seems like power games and she wants to dictate and control when we will visit and say so and so has done this for me etc etc‘.

Yet compared to many other elderly people she is very well off in terms of visitors but she is still playing the we don’t know what its like loosing your husband card 5 years down the line. I am doubting myself and wonder if I am imagining it as my siblings behave like nothing wring whatsoever. DSIS texted and said to try not to take DM’s actions personally and that she behaves like that with her sometimes etc.

this is exactly what I meant about the situation with my sister I posted about upthread though she cannot be described as meek and mild exactly. Not with family anyway although she will never challenge anyone directly.
I kid you not she is the world's biggest victim. She wallows in it ! No one has ever had it as tough as her,she has had a terrible life and is so hard done to. Any attempts to help or offer positive suggestions or support are always rebuffed with another negative remark and reason why she can't possibly do anything to change things.
She is incapable of any self reflection and uses people until she cannot wring anything else out of them or they see through her and then she moves on to the next person. .She has done it to me now.and not for the first time After my father died she dropped me to latch onto our mother. ( relationship with mum is another can of worms ) She has constantly ghosted me and squeezed me out so that now I feel like I have no extended family left ! She has got my mother paying for holidays and cruises for her and her husband and has got my mum making all sorts of excuses for her. My mother wants me to fall in line again as she is worried about my sister after she has gone. After all she cannot help how she is can she? and we all need to make every allowance for her etc etc. The laugh of it is that I think.she would bounce back following a nuclear blast. These people are indestructible and will always find a way to get their needs met.
. I don't know why I couldn't see it before but I have towed the party line and done just that all my life but now the scales are fallen from my eyes and I can see clearly the damage she has done to.so many people not least her own children who are no contact ( son ) and v low contact ( daughter).
Sorry I.am being selfish prattling on but I so understand how you feel. I have been so v hurt because I still love her and the constant rejection destroys you inside. It really messes with your head and like you I swing between thinking I am imagining it and being over sensitive and then seeing it all v clearly.
I am realising that all I can do.is try to not endlessly mull it all over and ruminate about it . I am even dreaming about it all now. I just feel so rejected and invisible to my extended family and even though I am a nearly 60.yr old grandmother with a lovely close family of my own I feel like I am stuck.in childhood mode in my head.
Anyway welcome on board and hope this thread helps you. it is a lifesaver at times.

@Ratherbeaspoonthanafork stop extending invites and offers. You cannot get water from an empty well, stop trying.
You are desperate for her attention and approval, that isn't love. She is manipulative that isn't love, you are desperate for her love, that doesn't mean you love her.
Covert narcissist are always poor me victims. However I am not a believer in naming/labeling shitty behaviour, shitty behaviour is just shitty behaviour. The only way to deal with shitty behaviour is not to put up with it, stop rewarding her shitty behaviour by trying harder to get her attention, walk in the opposite direction and get a good therapist who understands toxic family dynamics.
Or stick around on this thread we have all been there. My experience is they get worse as they get older. As for don't take it personally wtf, it is personal and it is deliberate. Read the boat rocking analogy, that is your mum, you say power games, control, not good enough, your family is dysfunctional and you are the scapegoat.

@Ratherbeaspoonthanafork
sorry again. I went on a self indulgent rant there.
One piece of advice I would offer us to trust your instincts , you can see the patterns of toxic behaviour that others can't. Often people are so enmeshed that they are oblivious and still others see it but don't want to confront it. People have many, often complex ,reasons not to rock the boat. This stuff can be v complicated x

@Ratherbeaspoonthanafork what do you mean you love her because she is your mum?

I agree you don't need to attempt a diagnosis in order to decide that a behaviour does not work for you. Personally, it helps me to think that my mother is a covert narc, simply as a reminder for myself that her thinking and doing is disordered and there is no point in getting my hopes up ever again that it might change.

What other said. Narcs are not always grandiose and overt. Many appear meek and shy but they are pulling all strings by applying fear, obligation and guilt to their victims and you toe the line because as a child you had to in order to survive. They also lack empathy but fake empathy and remorse at the same time. My mother could appear empathic and remorseful but I don't actually think she was. It was just so she could pull me back in, but I never once felt it was genuine. Also because she never changed her behaviour or genuinely apologised. If an apology came it was still presented in a way that made me appear to be petty, too sensitive etc.

@flapjackfairy I was reading an article the other day that dreaming about stuff is our brains way of processing, sorting and filing stuff so it could be a good thing, internal dialogue is exhausting.
My mum just wanted to complain and moan about everything, she didn't want solutions, she never took responsibility for any of her woes (typical alcoholic). I find I am triggered by the behaviour in others. I have a friend whose husbands mask has slipped and I don't want to be anywhere near it, probably the end of a good friendship which is sad.

Thanks all to coin a recent phrase even when I am reducing contact with DM she is still ‘living rent free in my head’. Growing up she always used to say things like you’ll be sorry when I am gone, when I am dead and buried, you wouldn’t understand, you could never have a baby or be a mother etc.

She portrays herself as this harmless frail lonely woman. But she can be quite hurtful towards me and then sometimes she contradicts this by behaving in a caring way (briefly) and I begin to doubt myself. It is like she wants to be seen as kind and caring, wants attention and visits (which is understandable) but mainly from the favoured my eldest niece, my bro and my DSIS and I am way way down the list. She also says things like he’s very good and tries his best he took me here and tried to do this, she did this and sorted that out for me, she understands what its like for me, he or she stayed for X amount of time etc. She has started ignoring my phone calls and texts for awhile if it suits (prob thinking if she wants to know how I am she can just visit never mind phoning) or if the favoured ones have said they might call in on a particular day (as she daren’t miss that) so she will make excuses as to why she can’t leave the or why I shouldn’t visit.

@Twatalert sounds like the perfect response. Why should she exclude them from self reflection on the basis that they are elderly. My mother is as far from a frail old dear as you can get. She remains as critical and vicious and sharp at 85 as she ever was.

I spent decades trying to work out why she behaves the way she does. Now I simply don't care, it is an active choice that she makes to be nasty and critical. What is that quote about if a snake bites you you don't chase it down to ask it why it bit you, you get away or something like that.

@Supamum3 I'm exactly the same and it is exhausting isn't it. I too get exhausted and overwhelmed. I unfortunately don't know any apps to help. I try to in general look after myself with nice walks along my shore, it calms my mind and stops me taking to bed to ruminate.

@binkie163 interesting what you say about dreams. I've been having nightmares recently this always happens when I've had dealings with my mother. I am not dealing with the upset during the day so it comes out in my dreams I think

I haven’t posted for a long time but I think an update is in order.

So I joined here in December / January 2021 after my abusive parents had just persuaded me to relocated across the country back home for their support as - a 46 year old single mum. It was a disaster, in 3 months my hair feel out, my autoimmune disease and stress levels entered a new stage and it was awful. Financially I was screwed over big time. I was scared of my own shadow and opinions.
I did over 2 years of serious therapy. We live in the same area and are thriving. My daughter won a double scholarship to a local but renowned private school for sixth form. She’s head girl there and on track to get five A* star at A levels and applying for Cambridge and medical degrees. My son is also thriving, due to SEN he was 4 years behind his peers back in 2021 and now his latest school report is that he is exceeding in all areas at primary. He got a full EHCP. Work has been amazing.

These are the tangibles on paper - what no one sees is the change in me. I no longer think twice when asked my favourite book or music (they would ridicule me what ever I said). I and we are very happy in our no shouting supportive - household. I put the boundary in place that we wouldn’t see them unless it was in a coffee shop etc. we last met them in October 2023. My mother said how much we were missed and my father berated my daughter for her A level choice and my god, I was proud- she took him down calmly, with logic and made him look like a fool. Eg he told her religious studies was a ridiculous A level for a doctor and she told him exactly why it was superb and the skills needed for ethics etc and then asked him why he was having a go at her when he wasn’t a parent or someone who had spoken to her for over two years why did he get a say? Etc

This thread was a life saver, as was a therapist who allowed me to heal and grow and find the real me as well as validate my childhood abuse (including things I never even mentioned on here).

I love this area, I grew up here and now it’s my neck of the woods, no longer afraid to bump into them.

After we met in October 2022, I dropped around Xmas presents and a card and never got a thank you so - in December 2022 I stopped reaching out. The first year was hard. But now it’s not. Calm is good. Having good people in my life was amazing for my confidence.

I met someone, after my therapy had long finished and we fell into each others lives. He is the kindest, most gorgeous man ever. It was two years after the incident with my parents and I came at it with new confidence and boundaries from counselling and boosting my self worth. I was in a good place when I met him but he is interesting, loving and kind and is only positive and a huge champion for others. I’ve met his friends and children etc and he met mine (took a long time but happened organically) - we are now looking to buy a house together and it’s awesome. All our children get on together and respectful.

I didn’t need him to be whole but I was whole and he met the real me when I met him.

I used to think about my abusers ( my parents) daily or even hourly / now it is fleeting and more - it’s their fault and I’m not engaging. I have dropped the rope. It’s changed my life. I can’t believe how far and how changed I am from that 45 year old who felt like she was only 7 years old, with 3 degrees who felt totally stupid but only my parents company.

most of all, I have friends and family that I have made for me.

so my advice if anyone wants it -
find a brilliant therapist
it was so expensive and so worth every single penny
go no contact, mine chose this as they couldn’t control me - but it was so good for me
I Stopped thinking - if they phone what will I do? If they are ill what will I do? And changed this to - I trust myself and I can decide when or if that happens or change my mind. I can’t thank you all but a very special @AttilaTheMeerkat for her wonderful advice, it was always spot on and @MonkeyfromManchester who always was in the back of my mind for her grace and dignity with the hag and her support for Mr M.