March 2024 - But we took you to stately homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society

There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support"

I've also now added the post written by Escapingafter50years as detailed below:

"I've copied these links I posted in the last thread and hope they are useful to people here. In addition to therapy and the Stately Homes, I've found them really useful in getting my head around the toxic mess I grew up in".

Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/
https://www.instagram.com/scapegoatchildrecovery/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwait
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

Books
I haven’t read all of these yet, but have read most and would recommend them
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (probably a good first book to read if you're not sure your parent/s is/are narcissistic)
Daughter Detox by Peg Streep
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer (written a long time ago but has good strategies for dealing with people who don't treat you properly)
A couple of other books I have seen recommended by the wise AttilaTheMeerkat and are my to-read list:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

I agree totally with the comment that what makes estrangement/NC hard, is you often feel adrift, no anchor or family, even though that’s always been true. I think sometimes the abuse filled the hole where normal parenting and love should have been, so we’re conditioned to feel like any attention, even harmful from these abusers was something. When you go NC it’s the adjustment to being fully independent, reclaiming your self worth and seeing these actions as harmful rather than at least some attention to be grateful for that takes time and work. I think that’s why NC is initially not easy, but ultimately if you stick with it, it allows you to see everything for what it really is. You need time to grow into and find the real you so you can replace the person these abusers have projected you to be, which is usually a weak and worthless failure.

Thank you both.
Being adrift sounds fitting, thanks for that, it really makes a lot of sense. I am fortunate to have two supportive brothers and my own husband and children now. Moving to a new country and not knowing anyone here has been a big step. A freeing one but there is a sense of loss and bitterness even resentment that they all live their lives in close proximity and I cannot. Which is crazy because I don’t even want to live near them.
It’s hard to see your parents as broken flawed people and equally hard to know that they would never choose you over themselves. As a parent I cannot comprehend.

@Chipsahoy Sounds to me what you’re feeling is completely normal in the circumstances. I’m the same sometimes, as the rest of my siblings although understanding, are still in contact and have large family get togethers with parents at birthdays/xmas etc. However, they also put up with all her crap and it’s bad at times. They just play the charade of a normal family around her to keep her quiet. I really can’t do that anymore and have to remind myself of what the reality of these get togethers are actually like, not what they ideally would be and remember I’m dodging a bullet (or two with my mum).

I think it will definitely get easier, but you’ll always be grieving for the loss of a normal parent/family but as time passes you work through stuff. I definitely still feel that, I certainly don’t miss my biological mother or even my enabling dad, but I do feel the loss/absence of not having a normal mother/father/childhood family very strongly. However it’s important to see they will never fill that void so there’s no point. As you say, once you become a parent yourself, their behaviour becomes even more unfathomable!

@SkylarkDay my siblings still go along with the family bullshit, that's their decision, they live very near to parents, I left the country.
I had long periods of very low contact because I found the family pretense damaging and it made me feel complicit in the ridiculous lie that we were happy/close.
I don't like the grey rock stuff either as it is further censoring my thoughts and behaviour. It is fake and again let's the toxicity continue, it is damaging emotionally, mentally and spiritually to me going along with anything that reduces me.
Going NC was the only way to clear my mind and live peacefully.

@binkie163 completely agree. Initially I moved to Wales for a while to escape them all last NC, but recently moved back south as I was homesick. However I did make sure I am at least 90mins from all family. That’s because they all followed me to Sussex from South London before. Literally my parents moved 5 mins down the road, and even my siblings ended up moving much closer. It was my mum’s comment about if anything happens to my Dad she’ll sell up and buy into a retirement village (and there was mention of one 15 mins down the road from where I now live) that led me to total NC again along with other stuff. I won’t have history repeating itself.

My mum has always followed me everywhere, tried to push in on my social life when I was an older teenager and dominate every aspect of my life. Where I live, has to become her town/place. I’m not allowed to keep anything for myself. Even my brother/sister (10 years younger than me) were pushed and manipulated by my mum into working for the same company/sector as I initially worked for, and it’s not even a local company but a worldwide one. My sister in particular, is rightly very resentful about this as she didn’t want to work there, but at the age of 19 was pressurised into complying.

Up until NC I felt like I didn’t even have my own identity. My mum runs our family like a religious cult. We all stay together and she has complete control of all, telling us what to think, feel and do. Grey rock stuff would have been impossible for me to do, my mum is like an obsessive stalker. The more you disengage, the more aggressive & pushy she gets. She would see any contact at all as a weak spot to exploit.

So it’s NC for me or nothing and if I’m being brutally honest, it’s such a relief to know I’ll be well clear of what happens next to my parents. Dad is 85 and I see him going downhill as mum sucks him dry, she’s 10 years younger and fighting fit. Since she was 21 she’s had my Dad supporting, enabling, running after her & being totally compliant. She’ll be looking for her replacement. That’ll probably be when I get my next begging letter from her, but I’ve totally learnt my lesson on that score.

Would it not be time to block her, @rollerbutterfly?

@rollerbutterfly I agree time to block her.
I see friends husbands saying how much they love their wife, nothing they wouldn't do blah blah.....but are lazy bastard's who make their wives lives a misery. Same goes for family, we do not owe them love, when they haven't shown us love. Love like respect and trust must be earned.
Your mum was your dad's coconspirator she wanted him to punish you and then stood by and watched. You owe her nothing.
Her love bombing is intrusive.

@SkylarkDay your mum is absolutely batshit.

@binkie163 she is! My sister and I have come to the conclusion she’s absolutely batshit as well as harbouring various personality disorders or something. But it’s the intense rage and hatred towards everything (including us) that’s so harmful.

@rollerbutterfly my advice would be to definitely block her and go NC. Why tolerate even LC, it does nothing positive for you and is giving her the chance to upset you. The love bombing texts are a form of abuse in themselves. To reel us back in, confuse and manipulate. Also she was definitely co-conspiritor with your Dad which is equally unforgivable.

That’s the hard thing sometimes, seeing the enabler as they really are. I always felt so sorry for my Dad and counted him as one of us, and thought I adored him, because he was the good guy. I now see how he knowingly sacrificed my siblings and I, even putting us in danger when we were young and she was violent. He knew what was going on and still to this day, facilitates her every cruelty. All to keep her happy and to keep things peaceful for himself. He was and is as bad as her. My Mum may be totally crazy, have personality disorders or be vile, but what’s his excuse?

Your Mum had no reason to tell your Dad you’d ’misbehaved’. Why would she want to see her children punished? And watching you be beaten. That’s horrible. I couldn’t bear to see my daughter even get a grazed knee when she was little. Personally I think you’ll be in a state of high alert & anxiety, awaiting the next text/call whilst she can still contact you. I know I was. Each of these calls/texts is a trigger back to our past abuse in my opinion.

Hello,

I'm new on this thread, going through some issues and would appreciate some perspectives.

Some trigger warnings of suicide.

When I was younger my DM developed a problem with drink.

My dad was away working abroad. There were incidents of shouting, some violence, suicide threats (violence and threats were my mum, and my dad never started the shouting but he would snap and shout, they both shouted). DM also said some horrific things to me.

I am subsequently quite a passive and conflict averse person. It hasn't helped me as I have found myself in situations where I am bullied at work. I lack confidence in making my own decisions.

Anyway I would tell my Dad sometimes on the phone and his response would be to tell me 'she just wants someone to listen, perhaps you could try offering solutions.'

On reflection this feels like gaslighting, I was asking for help and told I had to be her parent? Without it being officially acknowledged that she had a drink problem?

It felt like just covering it all up. At the same time, my Dad gave us stability, he stayed until we were 18. But then I think, he just didn't want to have to give my Mum a 3 bedroom house? When they split she could afford a 1 bed ex council house.

The reason she drank was she had an affair so it was her fault, although I understand she felt trapped and their marriage wasn't great communication wise. She took a lot for granted but probably did her best.

So maybe my Dad felt justified in not divorcing her yet but we were kids stuck in the middle.

It's very confusing as I get slightly different stories from each of them.

I am unsure why would a dad not do more and also this experience a child of grey divorce, as they split when I was 18, is so messy, anyone else?

I then had to build my life in my 20s without much support as they were engrossed in their own lives.

I don't mind but it's all left me with mental health issues that have surfaced in my 40s and I need to work through it all and come to some kind of peace.

Words of wisdom please from people who have been through it.

I know really the choice is low contact, or no contact. But am I wrong to think if they just admitted their mistakes it would be better? I have stayed in contact and now feel reducing contact more would cause me more depression.

Dm is very sorry and has expressed empathy and understanding of what she put me through, but she actually doesn't remember it, she doesn't deny it, and says she would have to give it thought as to why etc. so she can give me some closure, she does recognise the importance.

My dad seems to think I should forget it, move on, and if I spend my life dwelling on it I will be miserable etc. Not much self reflection but then he has always been able to just be jolly.

@rollerbutterfly just be kind to yourself. I think there comes a time when something snaps inside, and a realisation of how dysfunctional our childhoods actually were suddenly hits, and it’s very traumatic. This happened to me when I first went NC in 2014. I never planned or thought to go NC, but my Mum finally pushed me over the edge one day and I ended up an emotional blubbering wreck! Looking back I think I had severe burnout from years & years of continuing abuse as described in earlier posts. It was like the penny suddenly dropped. All the conditioning to accept and conform to my role within our vile family suddenly snapped. Childhood abuse can be buried so deep within us and as an adult can suddenly come bubbling to the surface and it’s not easy when it does. It’s like someone taking the blindfold off and you suddenly realise the horror & reality of it all. Recovery doesn’t happen overnight, it definitely took a good few years for me to stop feeling a complete mess, stop blaming myself and to cope with the guilt. It also took time for me to replace the person they had told me I was, with the real me. I had a lot of self doubt and it’s a very gradual healing process. But there is definitely hope, so do things at the pace you can cope with and don’t blame yourself for any of it.

With regards to your sister, some people deal with trauma differently and either completely block it out of their memories and convince themselves it never really happened or have kicked puppy syndrome where they still want to desperately please their abuser. We deal with things differently. The realisation of how your childhood wasn’t normal and saying it’s not acceptable is the first step to regaining yourself. You might need longer before you have the strength to consider going NC, and thats fine, it’s a big thing to do as we’ve all been so horribly conditioned.

@BitsNBibs40s your Dad should never have put that responsibility onto you, that was wrong and it sounds like he avoided dealing with any issues himself whilst leaving you to it. I understand when you say you’re conflict adverse, I am too and I think this is another trait from growing up in a home with an angry aggressive or violent parent. Safety for us is not engaging and being invisible. We are shaped by our childhoods and it’s hard to change. Again, NC might be something you will consider in the future, or maybe not, but again I think recovery takes time so you shouldn’t pressurise yourself into doing anything until ready. My sister says she should definitely go NC with my parents but hasn’t got the strength to do it. I respect that as she’s had addiction issues, severe depression, anorexia and sometimes just dealing with everyday normal life is struggle enough for her. We are all different people, dealing with our own complex dysfunctional childhoods and therefore may deal with things differently. Some people find counselling very beneficial, some don’t. Sadly there’s no one path to recovery but there’s lots of us out there to hopefully share our experiences & work towards a recovery of some sort.

@BitsNBibs40s don't expect any closure from your parents. My mum was a mean, nasty, screaming alcoholic and a serial shagger/adulterer. She used the old 'I don't remember, not my fault' bullshit and it is bullshit. Your dad can afford to be 'jolly' at your expense, conveniently absent leaving you to pick up the pieces, he is a coward and of course wants to 'move on' without responsibility. They will NEVER admit their mistakes.
We all think that if they just understood, if we could find the magic words for them to realise so everything would be ok. They won't, the truth is they are selfish and don't care. This is their failing not yours, it is not your fault.
I don't believe you can heal from childhood trauma while you are still enmeshed in it, the wounds stay open.
There are some good books, podcasts that explain toxic families, once you understand how messed up they are you are in a better place to make decisions that benefit you.

@rollerbutterfly I started getting anxiety and panic attacks in my early 30's and wish I had sought help instead of soldiering on and making myself ill. Please see your GP explain how you are feeling about work, I felt like I was losing my mind and I was on the verge of a complete breakdown.
I would take physical pain over mental pain any day. A broken leg heals.

@binkie163 me too. And you get sympathy for a broken leg. When your brain is broken from hundreds of tiny little blows it’s the final little blow that makes it snap. But that tiny blow looks minor to everyone else so ‘oh here she goes again over reacting why can’t you just move on’ blah blah. My mother was vile to me as a child and teenager but I actually actually forgave her. I understood her trauma. I thought she like me, was trying to heal. Turns out not. She just continued the abuse into adult hood. As my life panned out as hers hadn’t the jealousy and weirdness got worse. So all the old wounds in me got re-opened as I was face to face again with the psychotic witch id had to deal with aged 10. But this time I was in my 40s and more than capable of telling her it wasn’t okay. It didn’t stop it hurting but it was the classic ‘big me standing up for little me’. Of course…now I’ve put my foot down and gone virtually NC she’s wailing ‘poor me’ so I’m feeling even more isolated than ever. But I stood up ti her and she can wail all she wants. I’m sick of having to carry the cross so everyone else can pretend it’s all fine.

@KaleQueen my mum's violent alcoholic rages were horrifying, she was jealous of everyone even me as a child. She had an easy comfortable life but always wanted more. My mum was the queen of the pity party.
Feeling isolated is a normal part of recovery which is weird because we are isolated within our families anyway. Toxic parents like to foster feelings of injustice, unfairness and resentment to keep control, divide and conquer.
My best revenge was being happy, successful, and independent. Something she was too lazy to do for herself.
Let your mum carry her own cross, it's not yours to bare xx

Personally I do have to add in my case, I completely agree with @binkie163 comment about not being able to heal whilst still enmeshed/in contact with them. I tried LC/having boundaries the last four years when I stupidly gave them another chance. I ended up straight back to square one, constantly being triggered. Luckily because I had been NC for 6 years previously, and worked through a lot of stuff then, it’s been much less stressful & traumatic this time. Plus it totally confirmed it’s the only way forward for me. The peace and relief I feel of NC is overwhelming. That’s not to say it’s always easy.

My mother was never a drinker. She was just plain messed up. From her own childhood. Which is why I’ve given her so many chances as I kept thinking she couldn’t ’help It’. Then I had children. And I was like ‘wtf’. I also suffer with my mental health but I do all I can to keep on top of it so it doesn’t impact my children. Every day is a battle with it but it’s a battle worth fighting.
she is suffering now - she doesn’t give a hoot about me but she’s not able to see my kids as much and that’s what’s ‘upsetting her’. Yet when she could see them whenever she wanted, she often wouldn’t even bother for months. Or would turn up late to a pre arranged pop in. Or not at all. She would literally drive past my house three or four times a week but not ‘have time’ to pop in to see them. Now she’s in full on wounded rage that I finally said enough. Obviously the wider family is placing the blame of this firmly on me 🙄

That’s it, isn’t it. You just end up back to square one. And it feels worse every time.i have pleaded for her so many times to see sense or see what she’s doing and apologise. Never happened. I could scream at her tbh ‘what are you doing? Why are you doing this?! I’m your bloody daughter’ In fact I did do that in a fashion when we had an argument just after her own (awful) mother died. I thought here we are, here’s the chance for her to bloody realise…nope. Just carried on being her usual knob self.

I'm just glad I live a 2hr flight from this family and they haven't been part of my every day life for a long time. It would have been much harder to see sense. But then, I knew as a teenager I'd move far away to escape it all but it took another 20 years to sever the emotional connection and enter those final stages of healing.

I get major emotional flashbacks and am sometimes just so angry that I was treated in a way that would cause this. My therapist keeps saying 'these flashbacks come from a very young place'. I sometimes wish I could remember what my mother did to me as a very young child but I'll never know.

I honestly wonder how these people sleep at night and how they not have panic attacks. Why was I the only one to come out so obviously damaged?

I think my brother is damaged too but he's never had a total breakdown whereas I can no longer count mine.

Thanks for the replies. I've always put my dad on a pedestal and never would dare think he was wrong, but you are right he avoided the issue and should never have put that responsibility on me. I was quite angry at him for being absent. Although he was also a model dad in many ways, playing with us and taking us out when he was there. Maybe I just got used to scraps.

I think honestly I blocked it out so much, I always thought I was self aware but it's the unconscious stuff. I did struggle massively with relationships, in terms of feeling comfortable.

I'm looking to be a foster carer in my later life. Selfishly at the moment that is putting me on a healing journey to do the work I need to do for me.

@binkie163 thank you for replying and sharing. Those words it is not your fault really hit home. My dad has found someone else to take care of him, a new partner, she adores him, but she has a wicked stepmother thing going on. She has shouted at me numerous times.

I've been diagnosed with ADHD and I think I am autistic and am being referred by the GP for an assessment. They have no interest in my discovery of being cognitively diverse and I think I need to just go on the journey alone for my sanity. This has cemented my decision to move.

I'm sad to read of other people's experiences with an alcoholic parent and other forms of abuse 💐

@KaleQueen totally agree. I thought after my Dad had a stroke (although he’s made a good recovery), she would perhaps see the problems she’s caused to the family and realise things needed to change. But no, not one single flicker of remorse, empathy or compassion for anyone but herself. She was right back to being toxic and cruel. She’s a total psychopath! Pointless trying as she’s not wired normally.

@BitsNBibs40s I am high functioning autistic. As a child I just didn't understand wtf was going on or why I was so confused and angry all the time. However in later life it helped me focus on work and switch off from the family shit. I am very rigid in my thinking, which made it easier once I decided NC I didn't look back. My autism and family also meant I was able to spot friends who were selfish, I dropped a lot of friends in my early 30's I no longer cared, it was very liberating.
I applaud you for working towards fostering, giving kids the chance of emotional security, mental stability and love. All the stuff we didn't get xx
Edited: yes the unconscious stuff is weird, deep down we know stuff is wrong/bad but I could never put my finger on it and as a child had no choice anyway. I do now x